I (31F) have been friends with “Jake” (31M) for 15 years. He’s one of my closest friends. His birthdays usually mix his core circle with people I barely know and only see at weddings or holidays. They’re not really my friends they’re his.
The issue:Jake asked me not to bring my boyfriend “Mark” (32M).He said there’s no open conflict but that he feels a “stream of coldness and discomfort” around Mark and that he doesn’t fit the group vibe. He even didn’t invite another friend for the same reason because someone else in his group dislikes her.
For context, Mark is not the bubbliest or most talkative guy (think Ron Swanson vibes), but he’s genuinely kind, has plenty of friends, and we’ve been together 3 years, living together. I had already told him we’d both go, assuming of course we were invited as a couple. Now I have to explain that he’s unwelcome.I know him: if someone told him not to bring me, he’d refuse to attend on principle.
I suggested maybe I could stop by for 30 minutes, drop off a gift, then leave. ake thought that was a good compromise. But to me, it feels humiliating like I’m sneaking in without my partner just to keep appearances.
When I asked Jake not to tell guests why I’d be leaving early, he admitted he never “takes part” in conversations about how weird Mark is. That’s how I learned these conversations had already happened once after a wedding where people said “She’s great, but what’s with her boyfriend?” and once after camping with his friends.Jake says he defends me, but he’s also admitted he personally doesn’t like Mark.
So I’m stuck between two bad option:
- Go alone for the sake of appearances and not to upset Jake, but hate every minute knowing half the guests are gossiping and my boyfriend isn’t welcome.
- Don’t go at all, which might not only mean skipping his birthday but also ending a 15-year friendship that has been really important to me.
I’m honestly mad at Jake for putting me in this position, but I can’t tell if he’s in the wrong or if I’d be the one blowing things up.
WDBTA if I chose not to go at all and maybe let this friendship end?
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I (31F) have been friends with “Jake” (31M) for 15 years. He’s one of my closest friends. His birthdays usually mix his core circle with people I barely know and only see at weddings or holidays. They’re not really my friends they’re his.
The issue:Jake asked me not to bring my boyfriend “Mark” (32M).He said there’s no open conflict but that he feels a “stream of coldness and discomfort” around Mark and that he doesn’t fit the group vibe. He even didn’t invite another friend for the same reason because someone else in his group dislikes her.
For context, Mark is not the bubbliest or most talkative guy (think Ron Swanson vibes), but he’s genuinely kind, has plenty of friends, and we’ve been together 3 years, living together. I had already told him we’d both go, assuming of course we were invited as a couple. Now I have to explain that he’s unwelcome.I know him: if someone told him not to bring me, he’d refuse to attend on principle.
I suggested maybe I could stop by for 30 minutes, drop off a gift, then leave. ake thought that was a good compromise. But to me, it feels humiliating like I’m sneaking in without my partner just to keep appearances.
When I asked Jake not to tell guests why I’d be leaving early, he admitted he never “takes part” in conversations about how weird Mark is. That’s how I learned these conversations had already happened once after a wedding where people said “She’s great, but what’s with her boyfriend?” and once after camping with his friends.Jake says he defends me, but he’s also admitted he personally doesn’t like Mark.
So I’m stuck between two bad option:
I’m honestly mad at Jake for putting me in this position, but I can’t tell if he’s in the wrong or if I’d be the one blowing things up.
WDBTA if I chose not to go at all and maybe let this friendship end?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am considering ending 15 years long friendship because my friend didn’t invite my boyfriend to a party. So WIBTA
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA absolutely this guy is trying to make problems in your relationship, end it.
NTA. Jake is putting you in an impossible position. Asking you not to bring your boyfriend—and admitting he personally dislikes him—puts your relationship with Mark on the line. You shouldn’t have to attend social events where your partner is unwelcome or risk humiliation just to keep someone else happy.
Your feelings about being “sneaky” or having to leave early are completely valid. The fact that this isn’t a one-time concern but comes from ongoing gossip about Mark shows this isn’t just about “vibes,” it’s about excluding someone close to you. That’s not fair.
It’s okay to set boundaries. You could:
Be honest with Jake that you won’t attend if Mark isn’t welcome, emphasizing that you value both your friendship and your relationship.
OR
Consider sending a gift or card and letting him know you’d like to celebrate together in a way that doesn’t exclude your partner.
A 15-year friendship is meaningful, but a friendship that forces you to compromise your personal relationships isn’t healthy. Choosing not to go doesn’t make you the bad guy. It’s standing up for yourself and your relationship.
Bottom line: it’s Jake’s problem, not yours. If he can’t respect your partner, that’s on him, not you.
NAH – Jake isn’t obligated to spend his birthday with someone he doesn’t like just because you’re dating them. You’re also not obligated to attend.
YTA. Jake is fine to not invite people he isn’t close to his birthday. If you new Jake for 15 years and know he only has his core, why would you pre-emptively invite your BF without talking to Jake? And how is it Jake’s problem you did that???
Then, you suggest a compromise, he agrees, you find it humiliating??? You suggested it!!!
Then you want Jake not to tell folks why your leaving…who cares? Your 30. You only had 30 min. it happens.
Every step of the way you get an idea and then get upset at it being implemented.
Look, your BF isn’t talkative so of course folks are going to question that. Quit turning that bigger than it is.
Jake has done absolutely nothing wrong.
NTA
As I get you’ve known Jake since you were a teenager, we change as we age. It’s okay to let go of old friendships once they become unhealthy. Sounds like it’s gone into that territory since he openly talks about not liking Mark and shit talks him behind your back. This has happened frequently. He may “defend” you, but not really since he doesn’t like your boyfriend.
Not sure if you two plan on getting married, but once you do, Mark is your immediate family and comes before friends. I have a feeling if the situation was reversed and his buddy was shit talking about you, that guy would be out of his life faster than you can blink, because that’s what Ron Swanson would do since he’s so loyal lol
NTA, and I’m going to speak as someone who was Mark in a similar situation: It really hurts to watch your loved one pick their toxic friends over you, especially if you’ve done nothing to earn their distain. My ex chose his friends and thought just doing stuff ‘separate’ was perfectly fine. It’s one of the reasons he’s an ex.
I would also question about whether such gossip happened, or whether he just wants to get under your skin. He doesn’t need to be romantically interested to also want you to himself. I’ve seen many such duos, where one member doesn’t want to date the other one, but they sure as heck don’t like sharing them.
INFO: are you sure that skipping a birthday party definitely means your 15-year friendship will be over? I don’t see why it would have to come to that. It doesn’t sound like Jake is thinking of it that way. He’s just prioritizing the comfort of his guests, who don’t like Mark. Couldn’t you just go out for a birthday drink with Jake instead?
Where’s the friendship in that scenario?
YTA. He’d known your bf for 3 years if he wanted to invite him he would have. Stop being one of these people who assume an invite to you includes your bf. If you had done that you wouldn’t be in this awkward situation
INFO
Are you sure that other people have said they don’t like Mark. Have you only heard that from Jake?
If there are multiple conversations going on about how people don’t like Mark, that makes me wonder about Mark. Is there something going on with him that you are overlooking?
I’m raising it because it’s a known behaviour for controlling partners, to behave in ways that isolate them from their friends. It is possible that Mark is great, with his own friends, because he likes them and wants to be with them – but doesn’t want to be good with your friends because he wants to isolate you.
I think you should give that some serious consideration.
It’s also possible that Jake is the controlling one and is weird about friends getting partners and moving on in life.
I just think you have a lot to think over.
YTA, it’s his party and your bf doesn’t have to attend each event because you do. It’s healthy for couples to have different friends and activities that they don’t do together because not everyone a couple knows mix well together nor do they have precisely the same interests. I don’t think anyone at the party will be obsessed with you coming solo or not. Why not go and enjoy rather than be angry and end a long friendship. Btw, you think others are talking because others don’t like your bf, consider if there’s a reason and if they have a point. Maybe that’s why you’re so upset, since it isn’t just Jake, he was just honest with you.
NTA
Jake is an asshole by singling out your boyfriend and making this an issue. Honestly, by insulting and calling him weird, it comes across as petty jealousy.
Did you two ever date or have unrequited feelings? Either he can grow up to accept you’re with Mark, or you need to say no
NAH
Mark just doesn’t vibe with that group. It is what it is.
Jake isn’t obligated to deal with the discomfort of having him there and people talking about it on his birthday.
You equally don’t have to attend any event your partner isn’t welcome at.
Offer to take him out for a separate birthday lunch sometime and call it good.
Look, never end the 15 years friendship over a boyfriend. Never. Especially if you know your friend is nice and he’s important to you. YTA i think.
Don’t go he doesn’t even deserve a gift
NTA…do what feels right for you, which probably means not going. If declining an invitation means starting drama, then you know what kind of friend you have.
NAH If your friend dislikes your boyfriend, he does not have to invite Mark. Plenty of us have friends who dislike our spouses and plenty of us have spouses who dislike our friends. There is nothing wrong with attending events without your spouse.
Have you spoken with Mark? Does Mark like these people? Does he want to attend?
If you decide not to attend the party, then that’s ok too. It’s best not to give up friendships for a boyfriend though. You never know when you need your friends.
Why would missing 1 party end a friendship? That’s a pretty flimsy reason especially when Jake knows exactly why – you won’t ditch your boyfriend.
Seems too controlling of Jake to give you all of these conditions of friendship.
Personally I don’t think you ever need a good reason to end a friendship, or any kind of relationship. Ending a friendship would not make you an asshole.
You’ve been friend with this person for 15 year and you say that this friendship is really important for you. Sometimes people don’t mesh with each other and that’s ok. Not everybody gets along and that doesn’t mean that there is a reason behind it. I’m sure you have experienced not liking one of your bf’s friends, but also recognizing that it doesn’t mean that your partner has to choose between the two of you.
I know it can feel very harsh because romantic partner are often tied to your sense of self, so by saying that they don’t like him, it feels like they don’t like you. If you care this friendship, I would have an honest conversation with them to figure things out before making a decision.
But either way..NTA
> Now I have to explain that he’s unwelcome.
..and that’s wholly on you because he was never invited. Not your birthday, not your choice.
NTA for not attending however, that’s your choice.
I am wondering with your boyfriend though, if he’s getting badmouthed so much by large groups.. I know we all have the odd personality clash but it sounds like a no smoke without fire kind of deal.. I suspect he’s doing something to be so disliked.
NTA I was on the best friend’s side until to got around to the whole group talking behind your back around your boyfriend. Those aren’t people to hang around. Tell your best friend they make you uncomfortable and good like to take him to lunch or dinner (just you, no boyfriend) to celebrate together.
If he can’t make that compromise, let the friendship go. If he continues to double down on defending people who make him of your boyfriend when he knows it upsets you, he’s not worth your time.
I just can’t believe this is happening between 30 year olds. If you were all around 15 , I would say it’s pretty normal. You know what to do , you are an adult. I assure you, your bf not going will result in Jake not getting invited to an eventual wedding if that ever happens
I don’t see Jake as having put you in any position. He’s having a party, he invited you, you invited your bf. You’re responsible for having to walk that back.
You can decline the invitation because you don’t wish to go where your bf isn’t invited. So far, Jake has been cool with your choices, if he has threatened to cut you out if you skip this party, you should say so. Otherwise, you just decline the invitation.
NAH, leaning towards you being an A H if you make more drama.
What you really need to decide is, you know Jake doesn’t like your partner, does that impact the other 364 days of the year when you are friends with him, or just when he’s having a party?
ESH except your bf
Jake and his friends for being stuck in their high school gossiping and judgmental phase at 30 and for hating your bf for no reason. You’ve been in a relationship for 3 years so he’d be a total jerk if he ended your friendship for not going. That said, he isn’t obligated to invite Mark because it’s his birthday.
You for telling your bf you’d both go without asking the birthday celebrant first. You don’t get to bring +1s to events without asking the host first. You’re greatly contributing to your bf’s disappointment for assuming he was invited.
YTA It’s Jake’s birthday so he gets to decide who comes. I wouldn’t want someone at my party I didn’t feel comfortable around either.
NTA if you dont go but what is wrong with your boyfriend? it isnt one friend that thinks he is weird it is ALL of your friends..so again what is wrong with your boyfriend? He must be giving a very weird vibe to make everyone else not like him. I dont trust your instincts at all. I would not want him at my party either
I think Jake’s not a very good friend for putting you in this situation and you should have a really careful think about what that means. You don’t want to toss aside a 15 year friendship lightly – but there are some really hinky vibes here that suggest this is just the tip of the iceberg and Jake isn’t and maybe never has been the friend you think he is. I wouldn’t go. A three year live in partner is a pretty significant component of your life for Jake to take aim at. What happens if you and Mark get married? Have kids? Is Jake still going to sideline your life partner? And, more importantly, are you going to put with his attempts? NTA.
NTA- though may I say, how are you friends for so long but you cannot trust his judgement on the people you decide to date? Think about this. I dont know if its in your culture, but in mine, my old friends and my mother disprove of someone, if they are asking whats wrong with them, I will ditch that person coz my love tinted rose glasses cant see what they are seeing. Trust your people. And talk to them.
This is only a birthday but you are ignoring a bigger issue and isolating yourself to please him and thats a RED FLAG.
PS: in my culture, we INVESTIGATE your boyfriend and find out who and where he comes from haha I dont think your BFF and pals are being unkind AT ALL. i am kinda shocked you want to lose an old friendship and group of friends over a guy you only started living with, he hasnt gotten serious enough to marry you (you shouldnt have moved in if they dont like him btw) But you must think it through for yourself, all the best.
Make a choice and be prepared to deal with the consequences either way. You will hurt someone one way or another.
Make the choice based on who is more likely to forgive you tbh. I assume your bf is more likely to forgive you
NTA How rude and positively middle school. Your alleged friends don’t like your partner’s “vibe” and gossip about it. It sounds like their “vibe” is milquetoast.
I hate to say it but a lot of my male friendships ended when I met my partner. Not all, but several.
But yeah NTA
I certainly would not go. You are not going to be able to remain friends with Jake after this. You also will never enjoy yourself in that group anymore.
Urgh. How playground. Don’t go. Get a better best friend.
Don’t go at all.
You and your long-term boyfriend are a package deal; either both of you go or you will decline.
End the friendship if you must.
YWBTA if you demanded that your boyfriend comes. As painful as this situation is, your friend is allowed to invite whoever they want to invite. Sometimes we don’t get along with the significant others of our friends. As much as that sucks, that’s the way of life sometimes.
I think it also depends on the severity of how unlikable someone is. Sometimes you have a friend who has a significant other who you’re not thrilled about, but you don’t hate them either. Their presence is tolerable enough, so you just remain civil with them whenever there is a gathering. If this were the case, then I think your friend is a bit of an asshole then. However, I don’t know the full story here and know what your boyfriend is like.
I had a friend once who had an incredibly abusive girlfriend. I explained that as important as his friendship was to me (and my husband as well), we didn’t like his girlfriend and weren’t willing to hang out with her. You can’t strong arm people into being friends with everyone. Unfortunately his girlfriend did the whole “it’s either me or them” move, and he chose her. It wasn’t exactly a surprise because that’s what abusive partners do.
I think in your case, it maybe also depends on whether it’s just this birthday party he’s not invited to, or if your friend doesn’t want to see him period moving forward. Maybe that would be a determining factor for you. I have girls days with some of my friends in which we don’t invite our significant others. It’s important to sometimes just hang out with your friends and that’s it. That doesn’t mean that they never want to see the significant others ever again, they just want some one-on-one time with their friends.
NTA. Jake’s putting you in a no-win situation. If your boyfriend can’t come and you feel uncomfortable going alone, it’s fair to skip it. True friends respect your relationship; if this ends the friendship, it says more about him than you.
NAH it’s just a shitty situation for 2 long time friends that may realize the friendship will never be the same from this point forward.
Jake doesn’t have to spend his birthday with someone he doesn’t like and feels uncomfortable around.
You don’t have to attend his birthday at all if you want your BF to be there.
I think the compromise is fine IF your BF is comfortable with it; if not, then I think you know what you’ll need to do. Good luck with whatever decision you make.
I think you are at a crossroads. You need to decide who is more important to you: your boyfriend or Jake and his circle. It sounds like your relationship is serious. Would you want your boyfriend to go to parties where you weren’t invited because you didn’t “fit the group vibe”? I find it a little strange that you aren’t more upset at Jake and even considered putting in an appearance. In fact, I would want everyone to know exactly why I wasn’t there. Their gossip is insulting. While Ii’s Jake’s prerogative to invite who he wants to his party, I certainly wouldn’t attend.
NTA.
If Mark is “the one” you need to talk to Jake and tell him that. I almost wonder if Jake feels competitive against Mark.
Info: have you asked anyone else their feelings on your bf? I’d confirm what Jake is saying about everyone disliking your boyfriend before doing anything. Ask a trusted friend that won’t stoke any more drama.