So here’s the deal: I had a baby two months ago and wasn’t about to plan a giant, all-family birthday party this year for my daughter turning 3 years old. It’s exhausting, expensive, and I just didn’t have it in me. My husband and I already had plans to celebrate separately with his parents the following weekend.
My stepmom, who is incredibly close with my daughter, wanted to do something special anyway. She put together a small princess party at her and my dad’s house. She invited her side, so my aunt/uncle, her nieces (and their kids), and my siblings. That’s it. Even my bio mom wasn’t there. My daughter had an amazing time, and that was the whole point.
I posted a few pictures online, and my MIL texted me asking if she missed the party. I told her no I didn’t throw a party, my stepmom just did a little gathering. Now she’s upset she wasn’t included.
Some added context: my MIL doesn’t really like my side of the family. My FIL actually let it slip once that she gets upset and thinks it’s “unfair” how much time my dad and stepmom spend with my kids compared to her. On top of that, my MIL is very difficult to be around. She thinks she’s always right, has a big victim mentality, and can be really judgy. For example, she came over once, saw the house was clean, and said to my husband: “Wow, you did a great job cleaning!” I laughed and said, “Ha! That was all me, not him!” And she actually responded with: “Oh, in that case, if we’re being honest, you should’ve cleaned the baseboards.” 😵💫
I did tell her after that situation that I wasn’t okay with her talking to me like that and thought it was incredibly rude. Ever since then, she’s been more passive-aggressive in her comments.
So now with this birthday thing, I can’t help but feel like she’s making it about her when it wasn’t even my party to plan or invite people to. We already had plans to celebrate with her, and my stepmom’s little gathering wasn’t meant to be the “family party.”
So… AITAH here?
Comments
Why aren’t you having your husband handle his mom??
NTA. They’re getting their own time with your daughter. Tell your husband to sort out his mother. But you don’t have to engage if she’s disrespectful.
Where is your husband in all of this?
Tell her the baseboards at SM and dad’s house were a little dusty so you didn’t think she would want to come.
NTA – try laughing in her face. It works a treat!
Ooh 😮 No! You are giving to much credence to her, Don’t waste your time even thinking about it, she is always going to find something to complain about. She needs to learn everything is not all about her and there will be other times when she won’t be invited to functions. Don’t cater to her whims and stay firm with her.
A birthday party…. For a two month old?
Make sure you post pictures of your daughter and mother celebrating her birthday.
NTA. Some people just need to be the center of attention in their own minds.
‘Oh if we’re being honest you should’ve cleaned the baseboards.’
‘There’s a cloth over there feel free to help yourself to it and wipe those baseboards to your liking. Or better yet teach your son to clean them to your standard.’
‘MIL, my stepmom threw a party for my daughter. I had no say in the guestlist and it was an incredibly kind and loving gesture from her that gave my daughter happy memories. You are free to do the same if you want to.’
If she wants to make it about her put it on her…stepmom went to the effort to do it. Stepmom invited. She’s not even blood related and put the effort in. There is nothing to stop you putting the effort in. Pull out your calendar and make a point of saying you are free to have her this weekend to plan something. Throw it back on her. Gush at how generous kind and loving the gesture was to organise it. How thoughtful step mom was. How she’s such a kind and thoughtful person.
NTA, maybe ask MIL why she is upset about not being invited to your family’s party when she hasn’t invited all of your family to her house for the party she is throwing and see what she has to say. Asking her to explain to you how it should be and why, is one way to have her be accountable for her behavior. If her behavior is unreasonable she won’t be able to explain it or why she is right with any logic to back herself up. It can be quite entertaining to witness the stuttering and backpedaling.
If she makes these comments when no one else is around, feel free to say STFU!
Tell her, “If we’re really being honest the event was a present for a 3 year-old not a grandma who thinks she is a princess.”
Nta. But you have a husband problem. I have called out mutuple members of my “family” for their rude and worse comments about and to my wife. Up to and including throwing ppl out of my home.
NTA. “Sorry, MIL, but it’s not up to me to issue invitations to someone else’s house.”
I’d be honest with her: the amount of time she gets to spend time with daughter is dependent on how much time you want to spend with her. It can be less, if that’s what she wants.
NTA. I assume step mom and MIL both knew you were to tired/burnt out to plan a party. Both took that info and said okay. Step mom decided I will take that off your plate and planned a fun party for their circle of family. Outside of giving step mom the green light and showing up sounds like you knew little of what was happening party planning wise. It would be pretty rude to start telling step mom do this or do that for a party she is throwing out of what sounds like kindness and to make your daughter smile. MIL could have done the same thing but she doesn’t strike me as the type to put time and effort into something like that.
Omg the baseboards! My mom told me once that my grandmother told her the same thing about her baseboards. It was the 70s, I was a kid when she told me, my mom was so mad. I guess MILs never change.
NTA. I just wouldn’t respond and if she says anything just respond “so?”
Ask your husband to intervene here – he needs to “remind” her that neither you nor he has the right to invite guests into another person’s home, especially for a get-together that the two of you had no part in organzing. It was your step-mother’s thing. Besides that, MiL already had a separate birthday plans with the grandchild. She has no legitimate reason to be upset, and he will thank her to stop it with the dramamongering.
NTA and next time she feels like your side gets more time just let it slip that it’s just so easy and drama free when we visit there.
NTA They don’t have to be invited to everything just because they are the grandparents. You can definitely have separate events. Don’t bother explaining yourself when these things happen. Let her feel however she needs to feel. I don’t engage with mine or ask her constantly “what do you mean by that?” It always rattles her to have to keep explaining herself and keep asking “what do you mean?!”
Should have said the baseboards were your husband’s job. The one job he was supposed to do
Ntah: you didn’t throw the party, do the guest list is the decision of the person who threw it. Your mil needs to grow up, and doesn’t matter if she says stuff outside of husbands earshot, you should tell him snd he should tell her to stop. If she doesn’t listen then just go low contact with her period.
Regardless of whether he’s there for the comments or not, he can handle it with his mother. Adult humans can be corrected after the fact, unlike puppies or babies. Unless he thinks you’re making it up, which doesn’t sound like the case here.
He should make it clear to her her comments aren’t welcome and she’s risking her time with the kids in general and the birthday celebration specifically. Any time with your husband or kids after her comments and general attitude is literally rewarding unwanted behaviour. That’s not going to teach her anything. Losing access might not teach her much, either, but at least you’ll be rid of her, so still a win for you.
NTA. Not your party to invite people to. I would ask her the last time that she invited your family to her house.
Obviously, NTA. She’s not entitled to attend every event for your daughter, but it’s not like she wanted to be at a party thrown by your stepmom anyway. She’s just taking whatever opportunity she can to be the injured party. I recommend ignoring her.
In the future gasp and say it was a surprise party. You thought it was just a family chili cookout with some hot dogs.
NTA. Just don’t post photos of the parties anymore. Just post a photo of the birthday girl without context.
NTA
But you are worrying to much about her.
You say you hate conflict but there is none here. She can talk all she wants, you are not the one throwing the party and she doesn’t even like the host, so she can take a hike.
Don’t let her live rent free in your mind while you are pp.
Growing up, both my mom and dad’s families were friends and we’d STILL have separate parties, one for each side of the family. Tell MIL she’s welcome to plan something for her side of the family if she wants
Are you the asshole for going to someone’s home and not bringing additional guests that were not invited?
No.
If your dad and stepmom are amenable, maybe you should invite them to go with you to your mother-in-law‘s house. I mean, she’s clearly OK with people showing up that aren’t invited.
“Are you inviting my side of the family for her birthday celebration you are having this weekend? Didn’t think so, but that’s ok with me & them. Just enjoy your time with her & stop keeping score.”
NTA
NTA. It wasn’t your party to invite people to. Ask her if she would like you to invite your family to her party.
Every time your MIL quietly says her back handed comments to you while hubby isn’t around, you need to loudy say something like “THAT COMMENT WAS COMPLETELY UNCALLED FOR” to get everyone’s attention. She will poo herself
NTA
Tell her to ask your stepmom why. This shouldn’t be hard for her to figure out once you said your stepmom threw the party. If it wasn’t this it would be something else. She just likes drama so I wouldn’t worry about it.
Next time she criticizes your cleaning, hand her your cleaning supplies and tell she welcome to show you how it’s done.
When you made plans to celebrate with them at a later time, did she ask about your family’s availability and ensure they all got invitations? Probably not. Because she does know the difference between a dinner and a party… NTA.
When she complains about your family getting more time, lean into it. Say something like, “Yes they are so supportive and make everyone feel good about themselves. It’s always a pleasure hanging out with them.”
I never did big parties. I always had a cake on the day.
We celebrated with my parents and any aunts/uncles when we all got together.
We celebrated with my husbands family when we could all get together.
The kids loved it as they celebrated their birthdays for weeks🤣
NTA! That MIL is your cross to bear for real now…I’m sorry for you. Very strict boundaries will have to be instilled, that’s clear. She was horrible with that cleaning statement. Horrible!
I mean damn, it wasn’t even your party!
If the subject or one similar comes up tell her it was a party thrown by someone else and I had no part in it! And you are so right to not do some ridiculous over-the-top party for a 3-year-old, she’ll not remember a second of it! You only spend ridiculous money trying to be like the others! IN my family for generations we had one party, family, and possibly some of the birthday child’s friends could be invited. All this inviting the entire classroom (future for you…2-3 yrs? Lol) and other friends really only made other families feel obligated to bring a gift and there are many right now that can’t afford gifts for every child’s friends’ parties! I had 3 daughters and each daughter had at least 23 students in their respective classes and buying gifts every other week for some 5,6,7 yr 7-year-olds was really hard. And the parents…spending literally hundreds of dollars on a bunch of other people’s children is ridiculous. But, I digress. My daughters ended up being pulled into the exact thing and felt horrible guilt and grief if the birthday fell on mortgage week or such and they couldn’t keep up with the “Johnsons”. That’s hundreds of dollars you could have spent on an adventure with your children!
Oh I got lost there, sorry. You ARE NOT TA. your MIL THO….
My MIL once said “I hope you get a nice, normal job so you can be better about cleaning” while she cleaned our bathroom. After I told her not to. Repeatedly.
So I told her I wasn’t the only one who lived here and that it wasn’t my piss on the side of the toilet.
My husband was like “mom why” 🤣
From your previous comment, hubs is aware and generally avoids her. Just ignore her.
Why do you even care what she thinks after you know husband doesn’t even care?
Post-pregnancy hormones and all that I understand, but if no one else cares, neither should you.
However, take no shit. Call her out on her shit every time it happens – but do it as if you were working in an office and had to maintain a professional demeanor. It will rile her up, but you won’t be TAH just because she got handed her ass on a platter.
NTA. Tell her your side isn’t coming to the celebration with her