Throwaway because my family knows my main.
I (25M) just left the military after being stationed abroad for 7 years. After my return, I moved in with my mom (56) and sister (24) who shares a house with her husband and their 3 kids.
It was originally a temporary plan. I was going to get my own place, but my mom and sister offered me the kids’ old room to stay and split the rent so we could save more money together. I thought it was a win-win situation – my sister is saving for her own place, my mom is getting older, and I will be going to college from the spring.
However, to be honest with you, they don’t sit right with me… Like we are not really a family here anymore. Some background: My mom raised us all by herself and worked two jobs to support us. I always admired her for that. But at the age of 13, one of my older sisters passed away. After that, my mom sort of went into a shell. Becoming distant, sometimes abusive, and as a result, I also moved away from her emotionally. It’s a major reason why I joined the military.
Upon my return, I have made several efforts to restore our bond. I offered to my mother support such as financially so she could quit one job. Nevertheless, she declined saying that she didn’t require any help. I asked her to join me and my sister for lunch so that we could create new memories, but she rejects the offer.
She said no to us, which was the most painful of all… nevertheless, she gave a positive answer to my older sister (30) who lives 3 hours away. Her reason? “She lives farther.” As if I was gone for seven years.
Over the last couple of weeks, I have found myself in the middle between her and my younger sister while they are arguing over trivial matters. Today I finally lost my temper and asked them why we couldn’t just pretend that we were a family. I even told them if this went on for long I was likely to end relationships because it felt like nothing would ever change.
So… AITA for pushing this issue? Or am I expecting too much after being gone so long?
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Throwaway because my family knows my main.
I (25M) just left the military after being stationed abroad for 7 years. After my return, I moved in with my mom (56) and sister (24) who shares a house with her husband and their 3 kids.
It was originally a temporary plan. I was going to get my own place, but my mom and sister offered me the kids’ old room to stay and split the rent so we could save more money together. I thought it was a win-win situation – my sister is saving for her own place, my mom is getting older, and I will be going to college from the spring.
However, to be honest with you, they don’t sit right with me… Like we are not really a family here anymore. Some background: My mom raised us all by herself and worked two jobs to support us. I always admired her for that. But at the age of 13, one of my older sisters passed away. After that, my mom sort of went into a shell. Becoming distant, sometimes abusive, and as a result, I also moved away from her emotionally. It’s a major reason why I joined the military.
Upon my return, I have made several efforts to restore our bond. I offered to my mother support such as financially so she could quit one job. Nevertheless, she declined saying that she didn’t require any help. I asked her to join me and my sister for lunch so that we could create new memories, but she rejects the offer.
She said no to us, which was the most painful of all… nevertheless, she gave a positive answer to my older sister (30) who lives 3 hours away. Her reason? “She lives farther.” As if I was gone for seven years.
Over the last couple of weeks, I have found myself in the middle between her and my younger sister while they are arguing over trivial matters. Today I finally lost my temper and asked them why we couldn’t just pretend that we were a family. I even told them if this went on for long I was likely to end relationships because it felt like nothing would ever change.
So… AITA for pushing this issue? Or am I expecting too much after being gone so long?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I confronted my family and my family saying I was in the wrong for loosing my patience. (2) they both thought I was in the wrong for losing my patience and getting mad
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Something in between n a h and e s h. You come home after some years and are upset that your family is how it is. You make some honest efforts to make things better. No quick results so you start yelling and threatening.
While you’re feeling the way you do, it might be better if you’re not in the house right now. Some day if you can move past the disappointment and bitterness, maybe there’s room for positive, if limited, relationships.
NTA. It sounds like you’re all hurting and there’s no easy solution. I do believe that you can’t force the healing process as much as you want to, and as much as it’s a good idea. I think you should suggest family counseling so that you can all try to find a way forward, but let your mother know it doesn’t have to be on your timetable, she has a right to sit on it and think about it for a while first.
NTA for pushing the issue because you hoped that after 7 years, they had changed. or for being hurt by all of this. But you would be TA (to yourself) if, now that you see how they are, you continued to push and expect them to change.
I’m a vet, and my husband is retired military. There’s a really powerful essay that’s written about being a missionary but it also applies 100% to Vets and military families. (I read it because a military spouse who grew up as a missionary kid suggested it.) I think it might help you, as well. It talks about how living “overseas / away from home” changes us in ways we might not think about, and how that can make moving back hard. It’s not very long, and it’s called “I am a Triangle”. Here’s the link –
https://medium.com/repatriation-after-the-shipment-is-unpacked/i-am-a-triangle-3b9fd76169f2
NTA you did the right thing
NTA for wanting a cohesive family. It sounds like things were going downhill for many, many years, long before you enlisted. I’m sorry you had to grow up with an emotionally distant mother. For your own sake, you need to acknowledge and work on accepting the fact that you can’t change her, though. You can’t force her to want a close familial bond with you. Continue doing lunches with your sister, who sounds like she is open to a relationship. Go to veteran’s events. Make friends. Date. Build your own family. It won’t take the pain away, but it will ease it. Maybe one day, your mom will see what she lost. If not, you at least haven’t spent your life waiting.
NAH. The way you’re feeling is very valid. Families are tough sometimes, and it’s incredibly frustrating when you’re putting in effort and being shut down, as well as being stuck in the middle of an argument. However, your mom probably still has a lot of healing to do herself. It sounds like she’s had a tough life, and she’s been left with painful scars that can take a lifetime to heal. She probably just needs more patience and time, but it’s also okay if you’re not in the right place to give that to her right now. You’ve also had it rough by the sounds of it. You’re allowed to express your feelings, but yelling at them probably wasn’t the best way to do it, but we live and we learn. Someone else mentioned moving out and getting some space, and I agree. My relationship with my family has improved soooo much since I’ve moved out. But stay nearby and don’t give up on asking to go to lunch.
NTA
I’m not saying I think your mom is the AH either because the pain and anguish of losing a child is something I wouldn’t wish on my greatest enemy. I have seen people go through this and never return back to reality.
I hope your family is able to heal and if nothing else find at least 1 thing that brings you close together on a regular basis.