(Throwaway account for obvious reasons)
My brother has always been a thief. He’s stolen from friends and family, burglarized their homes and a ton of stuff. He eventually cleaned up his act when he met his girlfriend and got a job.
He was still on parole when our mom came to me crying and suicidal because she had gone thousands of dollars in debt with the bank to pay his drug debt. He was working in a factory and paying the bank but decided to steal from his employer and got caught so ended up going back in jail. She couldn’t pay the debts so came to see me and my wife for help. She was crying because she couldn’t afford it and said that on the way here she wanted to throw herself in front of a car.
We paid the debts (about $20,000) which tanked our savings and we couldn’t afford to upgrade to a bigger house (we had another baby on the way) so had to put our plans on hold for years. He thanked us in a letter from jail and promised to pay us back.
A few months after he got out he visited us and asked me to be the best man at his wedding and for our daughter to be their bridesmaid. I wasn’t happy that he was paying for a wedding and hadn’t paid us back any money but I didn’t tell him that. I told him I’d like us to be friends again but we aren’t there yet and being his best man would feel dishonest, but our daughter will be really happy (and she was).
One day we saw her post on Facebook with a list of bridesmaids and the seating plans for the wedding. Not only was our daughter not on the list, but we were no longer even invited. We said nothing.
Months later we were trying to sell our home. I emailed him and said if he was struggling to get work we would be willing to let him do work on our house (fixing up the yard etc) and would deduct $100 from his debt for every hour he worked (which is far more than I get paid). I didn’t mention how he broke our daughter’s heart by letting her down, or how we weren’t invited to his wedding and weren’t even told, I was just super chill and polite. I just told him we were selling our house and said we could use a hand and how this might be a good way to help pay off his debt to us.
But his girlfriend had other ideas. She was mouthing off about how he doesn’t have to pay it back and we aren’t going to get a cent, and he just stood there and kept quiet.
This was years ago now and he didn’t pay us a cent and none of us have spoken to each other.
She was also jealous that he had a kid from a previous relationship. He used to see his kid regularly but when she came onto the scene he suddenly stopped seeing his kid altogether. I don’t think he even knows he has grandchildren.
She suddenly died without warning at 42 from a heart condition. He now has to pay for funeral costs but can’t afford it because he can’t get a well-paying job due to his criminal record. His friends have started up GoFundMe pages to raise funds to help pay but it is way short of the goal. I keep reading what a lovely person she was and how she would do anything for anyone, but I know she was a complete b*tch. She even stole money from my parents bank account and refused to pay it back when they found out, but they didn’t involve the police because they believed she was keeping their son on the right track (I think it was actually her mom doing that).
If my brother had paid us back the money he promised then we would have made him an interest free loan without a time limit – but he didn’t. He ran away from his debts and his kid just to keep her happy.
We have been asked to go to the funeral by my dad but I have said I don’t want to go.
I keep having the thought that I should feel bad for not wanting to go and not wanting to help pay for the costs, but I really could care less about the funeral or his money problems.
I don’t want to stand there listening to how lovely she was, she was horrible. And I don’t want to part with a single cent to help him with his money problems. Not just because I know we won’t get it back, but because of how he screwed us over when we were saving for a down payment towards our bigger house.
I feel sorry for her mom. I feel bad for him, but only as much as I would for a stranger, not the way I would if my sister’s husband or my brother’s kid’s mom died (I’d help them out, no need to pay it back).
We think it’s likely she was controlling (which makes the “nicest person” posts more annoying) but if that is true then he was spineless giving up his daughter like that.
My problem is he loved her very much and it is making him really miserable, and that is affecting my mom. I think she’d like me there to support her, but I also think she wants me there in the hope we will reconcile. I want to be there for her but I don’t want to be there and I certainly don’t want to create a scene by ignoring him.
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/No_Inevitable_5966: (Throwaway account for obvious reasons)
My brother has always been a thief. He’s stolen from friends and family, burglarized their homes and a ton of stuff. He eventually cleaned up his act when he met his girlfriend and got a job.
He was still on parole when our mom came to me crying and suicidal because she had gone thousands of dollars in debt with the bank to pay his drug debt. He was working in a factory and paying the bank but decided to steal from his employer and got caught so ended up going back in jail. She couldn’t pay the debts so came to see me and my wife for help. She was crying because she couldn’t afford it and said that on the way here she wanted to throw herself in front of a car.
We paid the debts (about $20,000) which tanked our savings and we couldn’t afford to upgrade to a bigger house (we had another baby on the way) so had to put our plans on hold for years. He thanked us in a letter from jail and promised to pay us back.
A few months after he got out he visited us and asked me to be the best man at his wedding and for our daughter to be their bridesmaid. I wasn’t happy that he was paying for a wedding and hadn’t paid us back any money but I didn’t tell him that. I told him I’d like us to be friends again but we aren’t there yet and being his best man would feel dishonest, but our daughter will be really happy (and she was).
One day we saw her post on Facebook with a list of bridesmaids and the seating plans for the wedding. Not only was our daughter not on the list, but we were no longer even invited. We said nothing.
Months later we were trying to sell our home. I emailed him and said if he was struggling to get work we would be willing to let him do work on our house (fixing up the yard etc) and would deduct $100 from his debt for every hour he worked. I didn’t mention how he broke our daughter’s heart by letting her down, or how we weren’t invited to his wedding and weren’t even told, I was just super chill and polite. I just told him we were selling our house and said we could use a hand and how this might be a good way to help pay off his debt to us.
But his girlfriend had other ideas. She was mouthing off about how he doesn’t have to pay it back and we aren’t going to get a cent, and he just stood there and kept quiet.
This was years ago now and he didn’t pay us a cent and none of us have spoken to each other.
She was also jealous that he had a kid from a previous relationship. He used to see his kid regularly but when she came onto the scene he suddenly stopped seeing his kid altogether. I don’t think he even knows he has grandchildren.
She suddenly died without warning at 42 from a heart condition. He now has to pay for funeral costs but can’t afford it because he can’t get a well-paying job due to his criminal record. His friends have started up GoFundMe pages to raise funds to help pay but it is way short of the goal. I keep reading what a lovely person she was and how she would do anything for anyone, but I know she was a complete b*tch. She even stole money from my parents bank account and refused to pay it back when they found out, but they didn’t involve the police because they believed she was keeping their son on the right track (I think it was actually her mom doing that).
If my brother had paid us back the money he promised then we would have made him an interest free loan without a time limit – but he didn’t. He ran away from his debts and his kid just to keep her happy.
We have been asked to go to the funeral by my dad but I have said I don’t want to go.
I keep having the thought that I should feel bad for not wanting to go and not wanting to help pay for the costs, but I really could care less about the funeral or his money problems.
I don’t want to stand there listening to how lovely she was, she was horrible. And I don’t want to part with a single cent to help him with his money problems. Not just because I know we won’t get it back, but because of how he screwed us over when we were saving for a down payment towards our bigger house.
I feel sorry for her mom. I feel bad for him, but only as much as I would for a stranger, not the way I would if my sister’s husband or my brother’s kid’s mom died (I’d help them out, no need to pay it back).
We think it’s likely she was controlling (which makes the “nicest person” posts more annoying) but if that is true then he was spineless giving up his daughter like that.
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Definitely NTA. You have went above and beyond for him and his GF and as a thanks, have been essentially spit on while being given the middle finger. Your brother is an adult and needs to take accountability for his own life and the choices he made to put himself in the place that he is today. That includes taking care of his own debts and paying for his own partner’s funeral. That is not even in the realm of your responsibility and I was happy to hear that you really could give a shit. It was time for you to grow a backbone. Like I always say: Can’t keep setting yourself on fire to keep others warm! Again, NTA!
NTA
You dont like or respect the person who died. And you dont like or respect the person who you normally be there to support (your brother).
I see no reason for attending.
NTAH. Your brother is a thief and a liar, and he married someone just like him. Don’t feel guilty about refusing to attend or help pay for the funeral of his awful wife. Your parents let him bleed them dry and still defend him. Let them continue to support their precious boy.
NTA your brother needs to take responsibility for his actions. He is lucky he had a broken who paid such a large debt. You don’t owe him or his now deceased wife a thing.
You are NTA and anyone who tells you that you are is not worth your time.
You should go NC with your brother as it sounds like he will always be there expecting you to bail him out (in some cases literally).
It doesn’t sound like you were close to your SIL and are not close to your brother so why would you go to her funeral.
Now I might be the AH here but I do appreciate the irony of someone who seemed to be heartless dying of a heart condition!
YNA, although if it was me all they would get is a simple cremation. No viewing or any extras.
NTA.
NTA. He used you, lied to you, screwed over your family, and let his girl disrespect all of you. You already paid your debt to him when you saved your mom and covered his mess. Let the funeral be someone else’s problem. You don’t owe him shit.
NTA