I (25F) have been best friends with Anna (27F) since high school. She’s one of the most hardworking and caring people I know. Over the last five years, she’s been married to Mark (30M), and honestly… it’s been painful to watch. When they first started dating, Mark seemed like a chill, funny guy. But over time, it became obvious that he’s incredibly lazy. He doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, and spends most of his free time playing video games or scrolling on his phone. Meanwhile, Anna works a full-time job, manages their finances, does the grocery shopping, cooks, cleans, and basically runs their entire household. The biggest issue is that Anna has told me she feels exhausted and unsupported, but every time she brings it up to Mark, he brushes her off. He’ll say things like, “You’re just better at those things than me,” or “Why make a big deal about it, we’re fine.” He never makes real changes. It’s gotten worse lately because Anna has been struggling financially. Her hours were cut at work, and instead of stepping up, Mark has reduced his own hours because he “doesn’t like the stress.” He has no health issues, no major obligations he just doesn’t want to work more. Anna has been crying to me about being overwhelmed, worrying about bills, and even skipping outings because she can’t afford them. I finally snapped a couple of weeks ago. She came over to vent and was in tears, saying she feels like she’s “married to a child.” I told her straight up “You don’t deserve this, he’s dragging you down. If he won’t change, you should think about leaving him.”Anna got really quiet, and then said, “You don’t understand, I love him.” I told her love doesn’t pay bills or give her rest, and sometimes love isn’t enough if only one person is trying. She didn’t say much after that, but she’s been distant since. Yesterday, one of our mutual friends texted me saying Anna was hurt because I was “pushing her to divorce” instead of supporting her marriage. Now I feel conflicted. On one hand, I don’t want to abandon her, but on the other hand, watching her sacrifice everything while Mark does nothing makes me angry. I know it’s her choice at the end of the day, but am I the asshole for telling her she should leave him?
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I (25F) have been best friends with Anna (27F) since high school. She’s one of the most hardworking and caring people I know. Over the last five years, she’s been married to Mark (30M), and honestly… it’s been painful to watch. When they first started dating, Mark seemed like a chill, funny guy. But over time, it became obvious that he’s incredibly lazy. He doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, and spends most of his free time playing video games or scrolling on his phone. Meanwhile, Anna works a full-time job, manages their finances, does the grocery shopping, cooks, cleans, and basically runs their entire household. The biggest issue is that Anna has told me she feels exhausted and unsupported, but every time she brings it up to Mark, he brushes her off. He’ll say things like, “You’re just better at those things than me,” or “Why make a big deal about it, we’re fine.” He never makes real changes. It’s gotten worse lately because Anna has been struggling financially. Her hours were cut at work, and instead of stepping up, Mark has reduced his own hours because he “doesn’t like the stress.” He has no health issues, no major obligations he just doesn’t want to work more. Anna has been crying to me about being overwhelmed, worrying about bills, and even skipping outings because she can’t afford them. I finally snapped a couple of weeks ago. She came over to vent and was in tears, saying she feels like she’s “married to a child.” I told her straight up “You don’t deserve this, he’s dragging you down. If he won’t change, you should think about leaving him.”Anna got really quiet, and then said, “You don’t understand, I love him.” I told her love doesn’t pay bills or give her rest, and sometimes love isn’t enough if only one person is trying. She didn’t say much after that, but she’s been distant since. Yesterday, one of our mutual friends texted me saying Anna was hurt because I was “pushing her to divorce” instead of supporting her marriage. Now I feel conflicted. On one hand, I don’t want to abandon her, but on the other hand, watching her sacrifice everything while Mark does nothing makes me angry. I know it’s her choice at the end of the day, but am I the asshole for telling her she should leave him?
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> I (25F) have been best friends with Anna (27F) since high school. She’s one of the most hardworking and caring people I know. Over the last five years, she’s been married to Mark (30M), and honestly… it’s been painful to watch.
When they first started dating, Mark seemed like a chill, funny guy. But over time, it became obvious that he’s incredibly lazy. He doesn’t cook, doesn’t clean, and spends most of his free time playing video games or scrolling on his phone. Meanwhile, Anna works a full-time job, manages their finances, does the grocery shopping, cooks, cleans, and basically runs their entire household.
The biggest issue is that Anna has told me she feels exhausted and unsupported, but every time she brings it up to Mark, he brushes her off. He’ll say things like, “You’re just better at those things than me,” or “Why make a big deal about it, we’re fine.” He never makes real changes.
It’s gotten worse lately because Anna has been struggling financially. Her hours were cut at work, and instead of stepping up, Mark has reduced his own hours because he “doesn’t like the stress.” He has no health issues, no major obligations he just doesn’t want to work more. Anna has been crying to me about being overwhelmed, worrying about bills, and even skipping outings because she can’t afford them.
I finally snapped a couple of weeks ago. She came over to vent and was in tears, saying she feels like she’s “married to a child.” I told her straight up “You don’t deserve this, he’s dragging you down. If he won’t change, you should think about leaving him.”
Anna got really quiet, and then said, “You don’t understand, I love him.” I told her love doesn’t pay bills or give her rest, and sometimes love isn’t enough if only one person is trying. She didn’t say much after that, but she’s been distant since.
Yesterday, one of our mutual friends texted me saying Anna was hurt because I was “pushing her to divorce” instead of supporting her marriage. Now I feel conflicted. On one hand, I don’t want to abandon her, but on the other hand, watching her sacrifice everything while Mark does nothing makes me angry.
I know it’s her choice at the end of the day, but am I the asshole for telling her she should leave him?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
MTA she can’t endlessly complain about how much he sucks and expect you to not say anything if you didn’t you wouldn’t love her. Friendship is about supporting your friend yes it’s not about endorsing all of their stupid decisions. Might as well only have enemies for that treatment.
Edit I’d tell her “if you could sit and hear me talk about how I’m being exploited and just never say anything I don’t need that type of sabotage anyway.”
ESH. you because That’s not her boyfriend, that’s her husband. It’s someone she is tied to with vows and legal documents.
You don’t jump in the middle of your friend’s relationships and try to break them up. That’s an AH move. Major decisions like divorce need to be made by the parties within the relationship – you are not within the relationship. You shouldn’t put her in a position where she feels she has to choose between you and her husband. You listen to her vent, but you NEVER tell her to leave (unless there is abuse or something serious going on). She will only resent you for it.
As for her: She’s also is TA. She shouldn’t vent to her friends and make them hate her husband then insist to stay with him. And then when her friends don’t support her marriage, she cries. What outcome did she expect?
NTA – you care about her and told her the truth. She’s not avoiding you because you hurt her feelings or “didn’t support her marriage”. She’s avoiding you because she knows you are right and you now symbolize the thing she knows she needs to do. You held up a mirror and she didn’t like what she saw. Hold your ground – let the space between you two give her some time to think for herself. Tell her – no one who really cares about you could remain silent forever or encourage to continue a relationship one person is doing all the giving and another all the taking. She has become his mother not his partner. Of course he sees no problem with it! Is being married more important than loving a life in which she is not abused and exploited? Let her know you support HER and love HER & that means you can’t support or love a relationship that is hurting her present and her future. She needs to send this guy back to his actual mommy for a month or so and see how she feels without him.
Yes youre the AH. Getting involved recklessly into someone else’s marriage while only hearing one side is crazy to me. Your advice sounds like something from a HS drama. People go through various issues in life. He could be struggling with things. Instead of trying to get in-between a marriage which your friend is clearly dedicated to. Have you tried helping her instead of lecturing? You’re young so I get it. But don’t follow advice from online gurus etc. a good marriage takes sacrifice and willingness to work through issues. This is an issue that can be solved and worked through. Just be there for her as a loving friend not a lecturer.
NTA,
Your friend knows your right, she’s just not got there yet. Your the mirror she’s not ready for.
I would get in touch with her and tell her your not “pushing her to divorce” your just reminding her that she has options, she doesn’t need to stay miserable just for the sake of it. Tell her you know she loves mark, but it feels like she’s forgotten to love herself too
I had a friend tell me that.
I wasn’t ready to leave but she was right. I was eventually ready to leave.
It’s ok, sometimes being a good friend is telling difficult truths.
NTA. You weren’t cruel, you were honest. Watching your best friend drown while her husband sits on the couch would piss anyone off.
I see this as her silently asking others outloud the feelings she has cause she needs validation. The issue is that. Clearly the validation wasn’t working so at that point I would also get fed up and ithor drop the friendship or do what you did. If you both can’t speak your mind with each other then that was never your friend. I think your friend just needs some time to reflect on herself and come to terms with the fact you were right and she pushed you to the point of you telling her what she needed to hear before she expected. Obviously the woman who is stilling around waiting for change thought she had a few minutes before you changed up your behavior. Low key you treated her better than her husband. You could have just brushed her off again like the first few times, but you pulled her up from her boot straps instead.
NTA. I had to have this exact conversation with a friend of mine. She would always complain about her husband being lazy, etc. I finally told her enough, if you are willing to stay in a marriage full on knowing this is how it is, I don’t want to hear about it anymore. I gave her plenty of options including leaving and all she did was hem haw. You can support your friend without listening to the same shit over and over.
Not even going to read your post.
YTA
Unless you’re asked or you see actual abuse, stay the fuck out of other people’s marriages.
NTA.
Unfortunately, lots of people think free advice is worth what they pay ….
Very slightly – YTA.
People in this situation don’t want you to tell them what to do. They want you to listen and support them. It’s easy for an outsider to say “get a divorce”, it’s harder to do.
Support your friend by listening.
If it goes on and on and on, and at some point you don’t want to hear it anymore because it takes up all your time as a friend, you can say something like, “Look, I want to support you, but this has been going on for a year or more and this is all we talk about. Let’s change the subject”.
NTA
She knows you’re right deep down
Mild YTA. You clearly care about your friend, but you have no clue about what it is like to be in a toxic relationship. It was amazing st the start and now it’s not. Every time she starts pulling away, he turns into Mr Amazing again, even if just for a day or two, and she starts believing again that they can get back to what they had which made her fall for him.
You want to help her? Support her feeling of self-worth and self-trust. You can tell her you no longer want to talk about her marriage, but can support her in other ways.
I know it makes you angry to see your friend suffer. It made my friends angry too. What I am most grateful to my best friend for was that she was there, spent time with me, told me I am worthy of love and respect and gave me examples from her healthy relationship. Did not push me to break up. And she was there to hold me up when I finally built up the self-respect to leave. No blaming, shaming or guilt-tripping for not doing what she thought was best, even if she was frustrated to no end. She was just there.
And the person who pushed me to break up is no longer my friend. Because she came at my relationship from her ego, not where I was. For her, it was so easy to just break up and she was pushing me. But when you’re in it, married, investing everything, exhausted and trauma bonded, you don’t see the mess as clearly and it doesn’t seem that bad. You’re too tired to fight and just want your man back.
NTA She has been venting to you for awhile and you held up a mirror to her face and she didn’t like it. But I wouldn’t talk to her about this again. If she wants to vent in the future just explain that you care about her but you can’t help her with her marriage and change the subject. I wouldn’t discuss her with friends. Explain that you gave the advice that you felt like you should and there’s nothing else to say.
YTA, mind your own business.
YTA. Not your clown, not your circus, mind your business.
Yes, YTA
You’ve said your piece and listened to her complaints. But SHE is an adult and choosing to stay in that abusive and manipulative relationship.
You cannot force her to do anything. She has to recognize and want to break that cycle to get out.
It absolutely sucks, but you need to back off and let her handle the consequences of HER own decisions
NTA you weren’t pushing divorce, you were giving her the reality check she already admitted to herself.
I’m going with a VERY mild YTA. Here is why. This is a marriage, not a boyfriend. Your friend wasn’t ready to hear this. She came over to vent, and it doesn’t sound like she specifically asked for the brutal truth from you. If she did – then definitely NTA! I am assuming she did not.
You think she doesn’t know that he is a bad husband? She knows everything you do, she isn’t stupid and she is the one experiencing it! She still thinks she can fix this or that he will change or she has low self esteem and doesn’t think she can do better. She has not accepted that maybe this is just who he is and that she didn’t really know him before she married him. She isn’t going to accept it just because you point out what she already knows or because you confronted her about this.
I understand how frustrating this is since I have been in this position myself. If it is too much for you, you can tell her that. Like – “I want to be a good friend to you, but these vent sessions honestly upset me a lot. It seems like you have had the same couple of issues since nearly the start of this marriage and they just keep happening over and over again. I don’t know how to fix these issues and I think maybe a professional counselor could help you more than I can. I am simply not qualified to handle something of this complexity, but I will always be there to give you a hug or eat a pint of ice cream!”. She will get the message that you support her, but you are tired of the same drama, yet you did not trash her marriage or even her husband. If you are tired of it, be honest about that instead of trashing the husband or the marriage.
Instead of the above, you could also take a different more hands on approach. You have to ask her questions and let HER work it out, this is a way to gently push her. For example, asking her what she plans on doing about this and hearing her out. Asking her if she thinks a marriage counselor might be able to help since they have recurring issues. Asking her what are the pros and cons of this marriage and letting her explain it to you what she sees in him. Asking her if she thinks he will change and why she thinks he will if she says yes. Asking her if she thinks he will be a good father (if she wants kids). Asking her what her future with him looks like. Stuff like this, you bascially get her to say most of the things you are thinking herself or at the very least understand her thinking without passing judgment. This is the best thing for her and your friendship.
Now she might push you away because she feels you are “not a friend” to her marriage. If she ever tells her husband this, he is going to turn against you for sure! Sadly, the more isolated she is, the less chance that she will leave him. It might feel like him and her against the world, which is the opposite of what you want. This was a gift for him because now she won’t vent to you anymore and maybe she won’t vent to anyone…
NTA/AH
While your consideration for friend is in the right place, your opinion is not.
You’ve obviously listened to your friend and seen the actions of her husband. Your place is to support her as a friend, not as an enabler or the bossy bestie.
So, maybe re-configure your place by first apologizing for suggesting she divorce but stand your ground or distancing yourself from your besties marriage drama.