My sister (19f) and I (17m) were raised by our single mom. Our father was a deadbeat who left when mom was pregnant with me and he’s got 50k of child support debt and counting (toward me). My sister and I used to see him places when we were kids. It’s a small town and he never left and neither did mom. He’d just quit jobs and go to jail rather than pay support or be a dad.
It was probably a year ago when my sister told me she saw him with a woman and kids. My sister and I were like wtf and then we both saw him another day with just the kids. It was weird. Another time all three of us saw them. We were all in the same diner at the same time and he was acting like a parent for the first time ever. The woman with him noticed us watching and it was a few weeks after she stopped me and my sister and introduced herself and she tried to start a relationship between us all. She had met dad online and they were married by then and he was “the most wonderful stepdad” to her kids.
She approached me and my sister a few times on our own too when her first attempt at starting a relationship failed. A couple of times she told us he’d be more willing to get the child support back payments paid if we had a relationship. One time I got super far from her before she could get closer to me because she had one of her kids with me and I didn’t want to start any shit in front of kids.
Last week she approached me on my own again and she told me how sad it would be for us not to be a family. She said my father would be adopting her kids in November and she’d love me and my sister to come and we could be a family. I asked her why she thinks either of us wants to know the family he chose to be with and why we’d want to see him be a father to kids who aren’t even his over his actual kids. I told her she’s wasting her time and pissing us off and she needs to stay the hell away from us. She tried to yell at me but I walked away. I did hear her say something like I didn’t need to be rude to her when she was trying to be nice. Like I said I was focused on getting away from her.
But maybe I was harsh? IDK. I think saying something once is whatever but to keep trying is way too much. AITA?
Comments
NTA – she’s the AH!
NTA. Your father is an AH. Just because he wants to reinvent himself with new wife and children does not negate your lived experience without him as a father nor providing financial support for you and your sister. It seems that you have communicated to this woman that you were not interested that there is nothing that he can do to make up for his years of absence and failure to provide for the children that he sired and if you’re being rude, it’s because she was rude first by ignoring your previous statements and feelings about not wanting to reconnect with your dad. She is probably trying to rationalize in her mind, bringing a person, a poor character like your father into her children’s life now that she has knowledge of what kind of father he wasn’t and his own children’s life.
You and your sister have every right to set boundaries, especially with someone trying to force a relationship with you when your dad has a long history of neglect. She may think she’s “being nice,” but repeatedly pushing after you’ve already said no crosses the line. You don’t owe her a relationship, an explanation, or forgiveness
NTA! She’s a massive AH and has been harassing you. You’d said no plenty of times. And she wants you to stay polite? Tell her to stay in her fucking lane.
Love how she says your father will pay child support if he has a relationship – that is not how it works. He pays regardless.
What’s especially telling is that it’s her trying to speak to you and not even your shit father.
NTA, you are missing a golden opportunity to give your loving attentive father some much deserved payback by not agreeing to become a part of their family where you could just bide your time and then one day tell everyone the truth by asking your dad WHY he blew all of you off for so long and why he thinks that he deserves anything at all from you. Expose the truth to them all, even the back child support and what he said all along the way, the neglect and such. Let all of his new family know how the past was for you.
The next time this woman approaches you tell her that you and your sister will come over AFTER all the child support has been caught up and continually paid and when you do come over you will discuss with her exactly why y’all are NC with your sperm donor. Why hasn’t your mother reported the lack of this deadbeat not paying CS? You need to start pushing mom on that. That money is for you and sis.
>A couple of times she told us he’d be more willing to get the child support back payments paid if we had a relationship.
NTA – that’s not how child support is supposed to work. Your mom should go through the courts, they will hold his passport, driver’s license, garnish his wages, etc. I’m willing to bet now that he’s married and adopting her kids, your dad can’t just quit a job like he used to.
>Last week she approached me on my own again and she told me how sad it would be for us not to be a family.
What a joke, she didn’t even know you existed up until a few months ago. I hope she realizes that if they ever separate he’s going to be a deadbeat to her kids too.
ESH. because you are 19 i dont expect you to have certain communication skills. The way you went about it was wrong. All you had to say the first time was say ” i appreciate you trying to be nice to us and form a relationship with us, im not interested and not ready to at the moment, please give me time to process it. Or i appreciate you trying to br nice, the thing is, i would rather have this conversation with my father not you, this is between me and him. This depends on if you still want to speak to him or not. Or i appreciate you trying to be nice, im just not ready to have a relationship with him and please give me time to process everything, i will contact yall when i am ready. When you lead with kindness you dont really ask AITAH because if the person treated your kindess for weakness you could always say i tried and they did not respect it
NTA, tell her the truth next time. Explain to her that the moment she gets pregnant she will be left alone just like your mom was. And that he is a deadbeat who doesn’t care about you.
Also tell her that her choice will hurt her kids in the future, so maybe she is more like your dad than you thought.
Hopefully she will get a message this time.
Updateme
Nta updateme
NTA I don’t think you were harsh, I think you’re being completely logical and reasonable. But I do feel for her, because she’s trying to reconcile this new information with the man she married and thought she knew; she thinks that if she can enable a reconciliation then she’ll be able to tell herself that he is the man she thought he was.
NTA. She’s delusional and wants to think he’s changed. She wants him to take responsibility for you so she can see him as a good father.
I’m sure he’s told her that you and your sister or your mom are the reason he doesn’t have a relationship with you, because he will never ever take accountability for his actions, and she’s too delusional to see the truth.
He would have never attempted to be a father to you if she wasn’t forcing him to do so, which is why she’s approaching you and he’s not.
Lay out your version of events ask her why she’s the one trying to force a relationship and not him if he wants to be a dad all of a sudden?
Actions speak louder than words, hopefully she’ll see the light.
NTA
>she told us he’d be more willing to get the child support back payments paid if we had a relationship
Time to bring him in court and demand the payments. Child support is not conditional.
Though it looks like she (and not your father) wants you to have a relationship, she far overstepped her boundaries once she didn’t accept your no for an answer. And as actions have consequences, let those consequences start with the $50K+ that man owes your mother for child support.
Big hugs.
time to start telling her kids who you are and what he did. tell them he will dump them too.
There’s been a lot of this “deadbeat parent who fucked off years ago trying to worm their way into the lives of the kids they abandoned” thing going around lately.
If I understand correctly the adoption needs to go through family court. Make sure to get a copy of the judgement for your back child support gets to whomever will rule on the adoption.
Yeah, I’m a petty bitch
> she told us he’d be more willing to get the child support back payments paid if we had a relationship
Yeah that’s not how it works. He’s lucky that your mother hasn’t put the legal process on his ass. She should.
NTA. I understand you are an upset teenager and you have every right to be upset. With your dad. There was no need to be rude with her, as she is trying to be nice to you. Her only fault is that she married a shitty husband.
If she ever approaches you, try to be polite. And tell her that you might be considering having a relationship with them/dad, if and after he pays full amount of child support he owes to you and to your sister. Then, if he ever pays, you are free to do whatever you want.
You’ve been too polite so far. Tell her she’s fucking delusional if she thinks he won’t abandon her and her kids in a few years time. Does she know he’s been to jail several times for failing to pay child support? Is she ready to be the sole bread winner to a deadbeat man?
Tell her “I hope his dick is worth the heartbreak to your children when he fucks off and leave you more kids that you can’t support”
NTA.
If you ever see her again tell her you will not even consider a relationship until after the pays all the back child support.
Also, a lot of places have programs where they put the deadbeat dad in jail and the bail money all goes to pay his child support. This dumb woman will bail him out over and over and over again and you can get the child support your mom deserves. You should look into that. Maybe there is something online? Or maybe call the courthouse and ask.
NTA.
NTA. This lady is deluded
NTA. A clear case of subtlety is wasted on AHs.
“A couple of times she told us he’d be more willing to get the child support back payments paid if we had a relationship.”
How about he just payback the back child support because he owes it to them now for the lack of interest he had then for you two.
No you are not! If anything start pressing harder for those back payments. What’s even worse is it’s not coming from him. He’s a fucking coward and piece of shit. It’s probably all part of a bigger scheme. Best to you and your sister.
Your father & his new flavor of the week are a couple of pieces of work!!! You owe them nothing, go after the child support he owes!!!!!! Watch how fast he ditches them too to avoid responsibility! NTA
NTA… she’s overstepping & trying to force a relationship w someone who chose to abandon his bio kids to raise one’s that don’t even belong to him. You’ve already said no once. No is a complete sentence & a full answer. She refused to accept your answer & thought by continuously pushing that you’d all be on board. You & ur sister are practically adults. It was nvr her nor your responsibility to engage in a relationship, it’s HIS. He saw you out in public multiple times, even & STILL chose not to speak or attempt to make amends. Unfortunately deadbeats always make the best stepdads.. it’s SO common it’s disgusting..
Makes me wonder what type of lies the father told the new wife to think his bio children would want anything to do with him
NTA. You owe him nothing and he still owes you and your sister child support.
Bless her heart though for hooking her kids to a guy who is only going to do the exact same thing to them.
Usually to adopt they check financial stability and having unpaid child support definitely does not show that. But! There is always a but! It could be different given your location, the judge, the familial situation, etc.
NTA.
“Not until he pays child support he owes”
Maybe you were a bit harsh to her but they can’t expect a forgive and forget scenario. He should be the one apologizing and trying to earn it, not her. She needs to stay in her lane and let him put the effort in on repairing things.
NTA
She just doesn’t want the child support hanging over his head and thinks you’ll forgive if she can get y’all talking. It can affect loans, depending on the place it could affect whether he’s actually able to adopt her kids like she wants. Stand firm. He owes that money to your mom.
NTA. She’s being rude, by harassing y’all. She’s not nice. She rejected the message the first 5x.
I saw in another comment that he has gone to jail for not paying his support and is now paying it back but slowly. This woman is trying to manipulate you guys into some forgiveness thing with dad to get him out of paying. She doesn’t want that money going to you when it could be coming into her home for her kids. That’s all this is nothing more. Don’t fall for it tell her the relationship can be discussed once all the back money is paid and if she wants to be one big happy family she should encourage him to pay faster. Your father hasn’t changed he just has a new victim he is exploiting.
Updateme
I’ve been that stepmom. Reason was, I never had anyone on either parental side who was welcoming.
Idk if you can or want to heal this with your dad. My husband had no interest in doing the work, but was great with his daughters and me putting in the effort and he’d show up for them if it felt safe.
I guess I’m not completely understanding why you’re rejecting her? Did she break up the marriage?
It was very difficult for my stepdaughters because we had a child of our own that my husband was all about. But I was never crap talking him, I didn’t have a child with a different ethnicity who was a dead ringer for their next door neighbor, and I put a lot of effort into making sure my son was very safe for my husband to love. The girls were the victims of both parents-the mom with the ethnically diverse child who was conceived during the marriage had a fairly ironic habit of saying pretty inflammatory things about their dad that they would come over and repeat. He’d take it personally and blow up at them. I’d say “be their dad. Rise above it, that third kid says everything that needs to be said all by herself, they can’t help what their mom says, just show them your love and they will figure it out, I promise you.” It was too difficult to see how openly he preferred his only boy, who was younger than their kids. They were bitter and it never got better. He died completely estranged from them. But as the stepmother who really tried, I can’t help relating to this woman. Do I think she’s going about it kind of awkwardly? Yeah for sure. The last thing I ever did was to point out the relationship my husband had with their half brother, because I have half siblings too, I know how it feels to be the irrelevant forgotten first family that is inconvenient and in the way. I went to a lot of effort to take my son and try to give them time together, I didn’t mention anything about how he was at his son’s first day of kindergarten or our family outings-i tried to make my role less. I kept my son in the background. My husband just wasn’t interested because he felt rejected and hurt and he focused on that instead of what they needed from him.
I’m saying that it sounds like she’s trying. Here’s my question. Is HE trying? My hope for you is that you don’t end up being forgotten even in his obituary because that happened to them (I didn’t write it I was in no shape to do it).
Give this a lot of thought. Life is shorter than you know.
NTA.
You don’t owe any of these people any of your time.
Your deadbeat’s wife may well be a very nice person. But so what?
Anyway, my guess is she isn’t that nice or she wouldn’t have dangled the outstanding child payments owed to you, to form a relationship with them.
Manipulation 101.
> He’d just quit jobs and go to jail rather than pay support
Men like this don’t deserve freedom tbh. They’re just scum?
However
> couple of times she told us he’d be more willing to get the child support back payments paid
OP Have you considered faking it until you get the 50k for your mother???
NTA at all. If your sperm donor wanted for you to be “a family” with HIS wife and step kids, we would have been the one who approached you. He hasn’t moved a finger
I think his wife wants to bring you all together as a “surprise” for him, since she believes he’s a great dad and will adopt her children. We are not even sure that’s what her husband want and you have every single right not to join a very stupid game
What enrages me was she saying “she told us he’d be more willing to get the child support back payments paid if we had a relationship”. NO, It doesn’t work that way. Child support is a LEGAL obligation that HE has independently if he has a relationship with you or not. I always think beyond the actual facts and I think that the wife might insist on the relationship because that would avoid you sue him. Now you’re an adult, you can do it. If you play happy family with them, they guilt trip you into not going legal against him and might endanger the adoption process of her kids
Actually you weren’t rude at her, you just explained your point. But when people don’t get their way the start with “you’re rude”
Don’t get mad. Just demand foreclosure because of the outstanding debt. Let’s see how positive she will be when you two get everything they own (unless she has an ironbound prenup).
Nta. Tell her she got her kids a dad. But he will leave once he can and he is a dead beat through and through. And he is legally required to pay back child support. And they debt doesn’t go away in many jurisdiction.