Hi. So i’m not fully sure where to start with this. I suppose i’ll start with some family background.
I’m using fake names for them. The cousin refered to in the title i’ll refer to her as N, her brother i’ll refer to as K if he comes up,, and their mother i’ll refer to as J.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on this and it’s recently come up again, i find myself unsure as to what to do so i come here. To put it simply i was institutionalized as a child due to depression and CPTSD, but close to me aunt J and her children were residing, about a 20 minute drive away. They didn’t bother to come see me except for one time where they had me come over, bake and cook for them on christmas then promptly left me out in the streets in a big city i did not know late at night, a alone teenage girl of about 16. I was so scared, and at the time had just swapped to a iphone from a flip phone. Didn’t know the systems. Not even at my worst and loneliest did they give me a phonecall.
Unfortunately my memory is quite fried and i can’t remember a lot. But another example is my mother was alone with all her children, in a rural area where a car is necessary. From what i’ve understood N, K, J and other relatives were driving factors behind this, but they ended up taking our one car that we had, claiming it was part of their inheritence from my grandpa, and sold it for about 500 usd. This has left me and my siblings with no drivers license to this day as we had no way of practice without paying enourmous amounts, but also at the time left my mother unable to get cheap food from grocery shops outside town lines, rendering my siblings and herself essentially starving. I had to take calls from my own mother crying, speaking of hunger without going into too in depth details due to community guidelines. 500 is nothing for my aunt from what ive understood, nor was the car ever registered in my grandpas name. It was a gift for a woman alone with 2 children as i was away in the institute. I did what i could, about 40 usd a month i had at my disposal. My mother was too exhausted handling everything alone to put up a fight due to unfortunately nasty specimens of men being around our family.
Needless to say this festered. Considering too they kept showing off how better off they were than my siblings and i. There’s more things i can’t go into.
But then my grandmother told me, now when we’re adults and i’ve cut off majority of my relatives, that she needs her family. And she’s in hysterics that her cousins won’t help her because she’s so depressed moving back to our home country, and i chose not too. I just didn’t have the energy for my relatives after everything. Only my uncle and grandparents bothered with me in the institute.
Grandmother lifted it again, saying if i actually bothered and forgave, things could be different. I don’t think it’d be, as i was kind to them before. And that i should apologize for moving away from everyone, calling me bitter. AITA?
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Hi. So i’m not fully sure where to start with this. I suppose i’ll start with some family background.
I’m using fake names for them. The cousin refered to in the title i’ll refer to her as N, her brother i’ll refer to as K if he comes up,, and their mother i’ll refer to as J.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting on this and it’s recently come up again, i find myself unsure as to what to do so i come here. To put it simply i was institutionalized as a child due to depression and CPTSD, but close to me aunt J and her children were residing, about a 20 minute drive away. They didn’t bother to come see me except for one time where they had me come over, bake and cook for them on christmas then promptly left me out in the streets in a big city i did not know late at night, a alone teenage girl of about 16. I was so scared, and at the time had just swapped to a iphone from a flip phone. Didn’t know the systems. Not even at my worst and loneliest did they give me a phonecall.
Unfortunately my memory is quite fried and i can’t remember a lot. But another example is my mother was alone with all her children, in a rural area where a car is necessary. From what i’ve understood N, K, J and other relatives were driving factors behind this, but they ended up taking our one car that we had, claiming it was part of their inheritence from my grandpa, and sold it for about 500 usd. This has left me and my siblings with no drivers license to this day as we had no way of practice without paying enourmous amounts, but also at the time left my mother unable to get cheap food from grocery shops outside town lines, rendering my siblings and herself essentially starving. I had to take calls from my own mother crying, speaking of hunger without going into too in depth details due to community guidelines. 500 is nothing for my aunt from what ive understood, nor was the car ever registered in my grandpas name. It was a gift for a woman alone with 2 children as i was away in the institute. I did what i could, about 40 usd a month i had at my disposal. My mother was too exhausted handling everything alone to put up a fight due to unfortunately nasty specimens of men being around our family.
Needless to say this festered. Considering too they kept showing off how better off they were than my siblings and i. There’s more things i can’t go into.
But then my grandmother told me, now when we’re adults and i’ve cut off majority of my relatives, that she needs her family. And she’s in hysterics that her cousins won’t help her because she’s so depressed moving back to our home country, and i chose not too. I just didn’t have the energy for my relatives after everything. Only my uncle and grandparents bothered with me in the institute.
Grandmother lifted it again, saying if i actually bothered and forgave, things could be different. I don’t think it’d be, as i was kind to them before. And that i should apologize for moving away from everyone, calling me bitter. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an asshole for cutting my cousin off as shes talking to my relatives about how much she needed us when going through a rough patch. I am starting to doubt i am right and now feel like i’m being far too harsh based on the talks thats going around.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta. You kinda cut them out, but you didn’t. You are still in the cycle and you need to break free.
You can simply say that you are not ready to forgive and you don’t know that you will be. You need space to figure things out. You are sorry that the timing sucks, but you need to take care of you, because you have very clearly realized that you are the only person who will.
Then go no contact for a bit. Truly. Block them so you don’t get their judgement and you don’t have to keep justifying yourself. Figure out who you are without being told all the time who you are supposed to be.
Get away from the poison and see how might lighter and free you feel.
I didn’t understand all the history, but from what I gather they seem to be self-centered people who don’t reciprocate.
I have a coupe of questions – did you discuss about them (J, K and N) in therapy? What was you therapist/doctor’s advice?
I would follow that and, if it was “cut those people from your life” – you should not think twice about it.
if they suggested that discussing with them would help you heal, do that. (LE – this doesn’t mean forgive and feel you owe it to them, just thought it would be cathartic for YOU).
Also, I don’t understand how your cousin needed you and why. And why should it matter?
the only one with a “need” (in my opinion just a demand) is your grandmother.
Isn’t she concerned about what you need? Especially since they (J, K, N) seem to have contributed to your trauma?
This is very strange…
NTA. They abandoned you when you needed love the most, took from your family when you had nothing, and left scars you’re still healing from. Walking away from that isn’t bitterness, it’s survival. You don’t owe forgiveness to people who repeatedly showed they didn’t care. Protect your peace. Family isn’t blood, it’s who shows up.
nah, NTA. you went through some serious trauma and your cousins didn’t have your back when you needed them most. it’s not bitter to protect your mental health and distance yourself from people who’ve hurt you. you’re allowed to set boundaries, especially with family that’s shown they can’t be trusted.
It’s better to forgive and forget. So forgive them then promptly forget they exist.
NTA. Take care of your mother and siblings emotionally. Stay away from the cruel and abusive people.
If you can afford it, move your mother and siblings to a better place. Keep the family away from them.