My boyfriend (M28) and I (F26) have been together for 2 years. He makes $46K more than I do and is in the lower six figures.
When we go out for dinners or date nights, we usually split everything 50/50. If there’s something we can’t divide, we trade off. Sometimes, I offer to pay for the whole dinner.
I keep thinking how he doesnt really ever offer to pay and when he does pay it doesnt really seem like he fully wants to, but bc he feels obligated to and it makes me feel so weird….. maybe bc in my friendships we play “fight” about who pays but if i did that with him he’s just be like oh okay, sure, thanks.
When he does pick up the tab, I feel like i need to “repay” it in some way. Honestly I feel like i end up paying more at the end, bc I want to keep things even and I don’t want him to feel like im taking advantage of him and I feel bad, but then I overdo it bc im trying to find a balance.
There was one time we went out to a coctail bar (his idea) and the bartender set the pay/card thing in front of us. I pulled out my wallet expecting to go 50/50 like usual and he went “oh you got this?” And I was like Oh… okay…. and ended up paying. It made me feel kind of sad :/ this was months ago and it randomly pops into my head.
I think I just wish he would offer to pay more, especially for date nights. I knew from the start that he’s more frugal (he didn’t even pay for our first date, it was 50/50), so maybe it’s unfair of me to want this now.
Still, I’d love it if he offered to pay sometimes—but maybe I’m just being entitled? But then I also want him to offer because he loves me and wants to take me out, not because I pressured him in someway.
Is this something I should just let go of? How do I talk to him about this without making it awkward?
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Ewwww. He makes $46k more than u and he dont pay shit and ur still dating him? Um gross increase ur standards. Hes a cheapo and doesnt want to spend his money on u clearly
If he’s like me he might have just grown up thinking that men and women are 50/50 on everything. There’s a lot of feminists out there raising men to think things like this. If you’re more traditional just tell him and explain what that means to you and he might be open to it
He’s not only frugal, he sounds cheap and a bit selfish. I get the whole 50/50 thing, but with him making that much more than you, you’d think he’d offer to treat now and then.
Keep in mind, people like him don’t usually change their views on money and finances. He will always be this way.
You’re a people pleaser, believing you need to repay if he treats you to anything and aren’t deserving of him treating you just because. This is working out well for him.
This is probably not someone you want to plan a future with. If he can’t see the difference in income and take on a larger role then you will forever be stressed over money. He will be the type to pay the 3k mortgage and not help out with the 5k worth of car payment, utilities, food, and clothes. This is who he is, decide if it’s worth living with this
Sounds like there have been times for both of you where you paid for the whole date instead of splitting the bill, and neither of you like it.
Incomes fluctuate all the time. If someday you make more money than him, would you want to start paying for dates? Or are you just more of a traditional gender roles kinda person and consider it a man’s role to be the provider?
Your answer to the question will help decide how you can bring up the conversation to him, which is definitely something you should do.
I wouldn’t even treat a friend that way.
I am living with a friend who earns probably 100k more than me..
We are buying a house together which is rather out of my budget but I have the deposit.
We are still going 50/50 with everything. Because. Well. Its a friendship not a relationship.
In a relationship I’d feel the same as you. As if I have to pay my way equally.
But in a relationship it should be more OURS Than mine and yours.
And given how much more he earns it would be nice of him to shout you a meal every so often at least!!
I guess you have to ask yourself.
Is this a relationship or just a friendship?
Is the D that good? Seriously, I just felt just sad reading this. You deserve more than this.
He’s stingy and take advantage on you. Not good premises for an happy relationship.
I am a guy and I like to pay for meals / activities because I can. Show him this comment.
Hmmm. Might need to stop reaching for your wallet and let him have the opportunity to take initiative to reach for the check and his wallet (and that’s if you still want to date him, but can apply to the rest of your dates in life).
OR… when the check comes, and he’s being stingy or whatever, tell them to split the check and pay for your own food. Don’t put out more effort into someone than they’re putting into you (that’s balance).
This is such an unattractive quality.
Loose trade offs, you get to pay for the cheaper ones because you make less. typically whoever suggests it, treats, but normal to be cute once in a while with a “don’t you want to take me out?” (but can’t be hurt if he doesn’t want to spend when you don’t either).
That’s how this works. Tell him that.
It’s embarrassing to hand a server 2 cards on a date.
He’s not for you. One thing I have learned about men in my dating life and 30 yrs of marriage is that you will know what their intentions are. If they want you, paying for a date will be nothing to them even if they’re broke. You’re teaching him how to treat you, and it’s working well in his favor. You set the standard in your relationships, friends or otherwise. With men just know if their job (which is important to them) told them to do something a certain way, they would do it exactly the way they were told.
I’d personally tell him I can’t afford date night anymore and see where it goes. But be prepared to be upset sadly.
I’d actually reconsider the relationship. His attitude stinks and this is not someone that I would see as a long term prospect. He would be miserable to live with
He does not see you as a team or someone who deserves to be treated well. Don’t you want to be with someone who sees you in that way?