English is not my first language so I apologize in advance for spelling and grammar mistakes. It’s my first time posting here.
I (32F) asked recently my parents (66M & 60F) to open a savings account at the bank to set aside some money for them in the future when they fall ill and need constant care. I’m an only child, and I dread that when the time comes I’ll be unable to properly take care of them on my own. Mortgage and car are paid but we are middle-class, and nursing homes are expensive.
Recently, I took upon myself looking for one for my grandmother (she has deteriorated mentally and physically), and we cannot pay for it. The whole ordeal with my grandmother is a mess and my mother is already drained mentally and physically taking care of her. It has been only 4 months since my grandmother got worse and she has 1 brother and 1 sister with whom she can share the care apart from me as well. Even though, my mother is basically the main caretaker.
So, with this situation I thought that my mother would find my concerns about saving up a little bit of money each month understandable. I’m not asking for a big chunk of money, just a little bit so that in a decade or later, it can serve as support of my father’s retirement (my mother is a SAHM).
I decided to talk first with her separately, and later with my father but she shut down completely, saying things like ‘I don’t have my own money’, ‘you cannot trust banks’ or ‘when the time comes we will sell the second home’. By second home she means a little home in a little village in the middle of nowhere that they got a few years ago for very little money because it was literally in ruins. I have done my little research already comparing houses like that and yet with the hypothetical amount it won’t be enough for the 2 of them. I don’t understand the ‘I don’t have my own money’ because she has never had any restrictions with my father, and they share the same bank account. Not to mention that if my father is the first one that goes, my mother’s pension will be the minimum.
I move on to talk with my father but he disregarded me, saying that it’s too soon to be concerned about something like that.
They go out every single weekend and expend money on lunches and drinks and so on, so opening that save account wouldn’t be that much of a stretch.
I got angry at the two of them, called them selfish, delusional and I’m keeping my distance. My mother got offense and I know that I shouldn’t be so emotional about it but it’s going to be my sole responsibility and I’m struggling already saving up for a mortgage and trying to get a proper adult life. How will I be supposed to look after my parents on my own while working and stuff?. I feel bad already for my harsh words and emotional reaction but I just cannot see how to make them understand that this is only for their own sake.
So am I the asshole for my reaction? If anyone has advice about how to navigate this, please let me know. Thank you
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English is not my first language so I apologize in advance for spelling and grammar mistakes. It’s my first time posting here.
I (32F) asked recently my parents (66M & 60F) to open a savings account at the bank to set aside some money for them in the future when they fall ill and need constant care. I’m an only child, and I dread that when the time comes I’ll be unable to properly take care of them on my own. Mortgage and car are paid but we are middle-class, and nursing homes are expensive.
Recently, I took upon myself looking for one for my grandmother (she has deteriorated mentally and physically), and we cannot pay for it. The whole ordeal with my grandmother is a mess and my mother is already drained mentally and physically taking care of her. It has been only 4 months since my grandmother got worse and she has 1 brother and 1 sister with whom she can share the care apart from me as well. Even though, my mother is basically the main caretaker.
So, with this situation I thought that my mother would find my concerns about saving up a little bit of money each month understandable. I’m not asking for a big chunk of money, just a little bit so that in a decade or later, it can serve as support of my father’s retirement (my mother is a SAHM).
I decided to talk first with her separately, and later with my father but she shut down completely, saying things like ‘I don’t have my own money’, ‘you cannot trust banks’ or ‘when the time comes we will sell the second home’. By second home she means a little home in a little village in the middle of nowhere that they got a few years ago for very little money because it was literally in ruins. I have done my little research already comparing houses like that and yet with the hypothetical amount it won’t be enough for the 2 of them. I don’t understand the ‘I don’t have my own money’ because she has never had any restrictions with my father, and they share the same bank account. Not to mention that if my father is the first one that goes, my mother’s pension will be the minimum.
I move on to talk with my father but he disregarded me, saying that it’s too soon to be concerned about something like that.
They go out every single weekend and expend money on lunches and drinks and so on, so opening that save account wouldn’t be that much of a stretch.
I got angry at the two of them, called them selfish, delusional and I’m keeping my distance. My mother got offense and I know that I shouldn’t be so emotional about it but it’s going to be my sole responsibility and I’m struggling already saving up for a mortgage and trying to get a proper adult life. How will I be supposed to look after my parents on my own while working and stuff?. I feel bad already for my harsh words and emotional reaction but I just cannot see how to make them understand that this is only for their own sake.
So am I the asshole for my reaction? If anyone has advice about how to navigate this, please let me know. Thank you
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> I might be the asshole for my reaction calling them selfish, delusional and getting angry at them. I think I should have reacted differently, maybe with another option but I just got emotional.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It’s not selfish to ask your parents to plan for their own future. You’re trying to avoid exactly what’s happening with your grandmother
NTA.
The are irresponsible!
“it’s too soon to be concerned about something like that.” – this is something… They are 60 and 66 years old. This is absolutely the time. The sooner you start saving, the more you save, the better it will be when you need those savings.
They are simply in denial, even despite the situation with the relative that has already taken a toll on their family.
Their reactions are absurd!
NTA. Sorry you’re in this position. They need to be more responsible with money.
NTA
When times are good, you need to save for the bad times. That’s what you advised them and they are refusing to listen. I’d be infuriated too
Give it some time, then re hash. Explain that if they don’t save, you’re not going to be in the position to help them.
It will be the states problem, if they’re lucky!
Nta
NTA – grown adults should be saving for retirement. Retirement is not an age, it’s a financial goal. They need to be able to pay bills and care for themselves if they are no longer working. If they stop working at 70, they could need 20 years of income!! Even with social security, there will be gaps. Especially if they need nursing care like your grandmother.
If your parents are in their 60’s and don’t have anything saved at all, it’s unlikely that they will be able to retire without significant help from others. I understand that you may feel responsible for them, but please remember that you shouldn’t jeopardize your own financial future to make up for their mistakes.
NTA. The time to start saving (and investing) for retirement/aged care is in your 20s. When you are in your 60s you are very, very late …
NTA. It seems that they need to reread the fable about the grasshopper and the ants.
Next time that you (re)surface this topic, inform them that you will not allow yourself to be roped into paying for their old-age and end-of-life expenses because they failed to save and to invest for their old age. Also, give them information to contact a good financial planner. They desperately need to plan.
NTA
Technically, it’s NOT your responsibility. You need to make some hard choices if you intend to continue to engage with them.
NTA, and no, they are not your responsibility down the road, you can try to help but they chose their own path, do not support that burden on your shoulders! Work to improve your own life!
NTA. These conversations need to be held in families–early and often.
You’re in your early 30s and let’s say they need care in 5-10 years, what is supposed to happen? You’ll still be in the thick of things work and career wise-likely unable to quit. If you wanted or plan on having children, your kids would still be toddler to elementary school age- another reason you wouldn’t be able to quit. God forbid, something happen to you and you’re not there to help them or become disabled–what is their plan?
I think you have to go back to your parents and present things from this perspective. Your father is already in his late 60s. Exactly how long does he think he’s got? With more people than ever being diagnosed with various forms of dementia and cancers they have to think about what they will do. Even if you were willing to help, life happens and it may not be in the cards.
Look into what the government care situation will look like for them. Sorry to break the news….the saving for the future is long past. Find out where they stash the cash so you can buy essentials when the time comes. Please let their immaturity and ignorance be an example of what not to emulate. Start a retirement investment account when you are young. Let it compound the interest. Sorry they behave so poorly.
No, not at all. You should not have to support your parents and their retirement and unfortunately, there’s a whole generation of boomers myself being one of them that are relying on their children to support them in retirement. It is so wrong and so unfair. You have to be very clear with them. You can’t be vague or make suggestions without telling them exactly how it is that you are not going to have them move in with you you are not going to support them and you need to point out the fact that they are just blowing their money right now when they should be putting things aside for their retirement. Quite honestly, they’ve waited Way too long to do this at their age. They’re going to have to live off of Social Security, which will be meager. NTA. Good luck.
NTA – Find elder care residences in your area. Have information sent to your parents. Tell them you want them to have the most recent data to help them make their decision.
You did the right thing and are NTA. Perhaps you could suggest or find a policy for long term care insurance for them and present it to them later. You could also show facts and figures as to why selling the other home isn’t enough. Then explain to them that it’s because you want them to be able to receive the best care possible and know that you can’t do that on your own.
NTA they should have been saving their whole lives. Hopefully you can do better for yourself in preparing for the future. I suspect there’s some cultural issues at work here, but if you can, just be clear that you will not be in a position to provide care and money for them, so they need to do what they can for themselves. Good luck.
NTA, but this is about 30 years too late. Unless your father is a very high earner, they won’t be able to save enough for it to matter at this point.
You may have to make the difficult call of telling them that you can’t care for them in their old age and they will have to figure it out. In the US, that’s Medicare.
NTA. But you know what it’s not your problem either. Tell them straight up you’re not their retirement plan. Stay low to no contact to keep your sanity. You’ve told them they don’t want to listen. End of story.
NTA – it’s selfish to not even TRY to save for retirement. It’s an unfair burden that can ruin your life if you take it on.
NTA and you should also be saving for your own retirement – but DO NOT LEND THEM THE MONEY
I am of an age between you are your parents and I am saving and i would not use my money for my parents if they hadn’t even shown some way of trying to save for themselves
NTA, they just sound like incompetent people, you’re not a sahm when your child is 30+ you’re just unemployed. Just move away they’re adults.
NTA. If you are in the US, Medicaid will cover a nursing home for those who cannot afford it for themselves. They will have to go through their own assets first. Get a list of those covered from your state and get the brochures to leave with your parents. Let them know how they retire is up to them, and if they want something nicer, they had better start planning.
You are not responsible for their poor planning or their choices.