I absolutely HATE being tickled. I have sat my husband down multiple times and expressed to him that its not a game for me. I told him I hate being tickled and it crosses a boundary when he tickles me. He just doesn’t get it. He thinks its funny. I’ve also told him I will involuntarily start throwing hands if he tickles me lol. I don’t mean to, its just a natural reflex. Like when somebody gets scared and punches whoever scared them, you know? Well the other night he tickled me and while freaking out I scratched him across his chest really bad. He was so upset and acting like I abused him. Am I the asshole? I know tickling shouldn’t be that serious but it really bothers me and I’ve told him I didn’t want to be tickled before its gotten to the point of scratching him. So AITAH?
EDIT: Okay whoa i was not expecting all the responses so quickly. My husband is NOT abusive. He is a really great man. I’ve been abused and I don’t consider it abuse. I do feel its disrespectful of my boundaries. I don’t think he’s trying to hurt me or cause me fear. I just think he is immature sometimes but he is the most gentle man in the world. He would never hurt me physically or emotionally. It is just something we need to work on as every marriage has its things. I appreciate everyone’s concerns and the support. Truly. I think couples counseling is a great idea. I don’t think this is something that can or will ruin our marriage. It’s just very frustrating I don’t know how to get through to him about it.
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If hitting him was involuntary then you would have been doing it the entire time and not just when you finally got angry about it
He’s being inappropriate. You shouldn’t respond by tolerating it and then starting to hit him when he didn’t stop.
No one comes out great here, but he’s definitely worse
NTA. Though why are you with a man who doesn’t listen to you and thinks your boundaries are a fun little joke?
NTA. Your husband is acting as though his behaviour and actions is more important than your autonomy, and it most definitely is not. If he can’t respect your bodily autonomy then you do what you have to. If he continues to disrespect you in this way, that’s a big red flag. Sulking after finding out the consequences of being disrespectful like this is just infantile.
You didn’t abuse him, he abused you. NTA.
NTA, is he a kid or something? He has continuously shown you that he is willing to disrespect your boundaries. I totally get you, I hate being tickled and will literally act like I’m getting murdered, whenever someone tries to tickle me. With that being said, not everyone will get that you don’t like being tickled. But it is still something you have continuously told him you don’t want him doing. A boundary, which you have set for yourself and he is refusing to listen. You warned him and it is his own fault for getting scratched. He is definitely an AH though.
I’m sorry he’s not listening to you. Tickling itself is sometimes viewed as a form of abuse by those who aren’t asking for it, especially if it keeps happening. You’re not the asshole, but you shouldn’t be feeling like you have to defend yourself to get it to stop. I say tell him if it happens again you’ll be staying elsewhere. Then stay elsewhere when it happens and let him think on it.
Really inappropriate of him.
If you’ve set the boundary and he keeps crossing it the scratch isn’t abuse its a consequence of him not listening.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. It’s your husband’s fault for continuing to cross a boundary.
ESH
NTA – You have voiced you don’t like it. You have voiced that you will get physical, if you have to because he won’t listen to saying for him not to do something. Yet, he continuously does it…. Maybe he learned his lesson this time and no longer tickles you? So he’s upset, wtf cares as obviously he doesn’t care that he’s upsetting you ever time he does a repeated action/touch that you’ve told him you don’t want?
Nah you’re not the AH. You set a clear boundary, he kept ignoring it, and your body reacted. If he keeps pushing it like a joke, he can’t be shocked when the “joke” backfires.
I would tell him, it’s not that you just hate being tickled that it’s a fear response and that him doing it anyway is abuse. You’ve asked him not to do it, you’ve told him you don’t like it, you’ve told him he might get hurt as you throw hands when it happens. Yes, it’s on the line of abuse for you. You don’t like it, yet because HE thinks it’s funny he continues to do it. HE chooses to do it against your wishes and has done it multiple times. Because you don’t like it, it surfaces on him being cruel to do it.
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Why do you keep allowing him to disrespect you so much?
How many times are you going to allow him to completely ignore your boundaries?
NTA. No means no.
And to an extent, it’s involuntary. When I was first dating my husband I landed my knee on his jaw by accident when he tickled me. I felt HORRIBLE but it was a reflex.
NTA. I’m wondering if you can get him to agree to a couples therapy video call session by telling him you want to find out if you’re in the wrong, because apparently he needs to hear from someone else he’s being abusive and you are not.
NTA
You’ve told him multiple times to stop and he hasn’t. This is actually a form of abuse because he knows you don’t like it, yet continues to do it to you. There’s the element of power and control he’s exerting over you by tickling you.
Not saying it’s great you scratched him, but it was in self defense. Honestly since he won’t stop, tell him in no uncertain terms that if he does it again even once, you’re staying elsewhere. If he does it again, leave, at least for a night or two.
The abuser telling the abusee that he’s being abused
He gets that you hate it. He either doesn’t care, or he actively enjoys doing something you hate.
I feel about the exact same about being tickled, when I get tickled I accidentally lash out, kick slap whatever, after I do that people stop once they realise, tbh it should stop him from doing it again
It sounds stupid to some who think it’s just tickling and no big deal but anyone doing something physical to you after repeatedly being asked not to is abuse. NTA
I’d be reconsidering the guy.
Not the AH, because you actually lose motor control when you’re being tickled. This guy got exactly what he asked for.
NTA he is getting a thrill of torturing you
you’re being assaulted, do with that what you will
Your husband understands EXACTLY how much you hate being tickled, and doesn’t care. He tickles you to make a point about how he can overpower you.
You are NTA – you’re being assaulted.
NTA
I am exactly like this. I try not to overreact if I am tickled, but my first instinct is to defend my body. I don’t scratch, but I’ve been known to let an elbow fly. Particularly if I am very surprised. My husband knows better, and we’ve still had a couple close calls when he isn’t trying to tickle me, but has a light touch anywhere near my underarm or feet. And we both apologize to each other 😆
Your husband isn’t respecting you. He is touching your body in a way that you not only don’t consent to, but have expressly stated is not allowed, and also provokes a physical response that you may not be able to control. He doesn’t get to pout when he gets the consequence he was warned about after doing the thing he was told not to do.
If my partner was bigger/stronger (they aren’t) I would tell them – tickle me and I will divorce you. It’s that simple.
NTA. He fucked around. He found out.
worth leaving him over
He crossed a boundary you clearly set, so your actions are defensive.
See this is why I couldn’t be in a relationship. He doesn’t respect you or you’re boundaries. I would say BREAK UP. if he doesn’t respect this small thing. What else does he not respect in terms of you’re boundaries? You can’t trust him and then he tries to gaslight you?? Yea no leave
he’s assaulting you by doing a thing you’ve repeatedly told him not to. self defense. you warned him. nta but make sure those cuts get disinfected, the underside of a nail is a bacterial breeding ground.
NTA. Dude has no respect for you. Especially to try and make you to be the bad guy. I genuinely hope you dont have kids yet. He won’t respect their boundaries, either.
NTA- FAFO
Next time, raise the stakes. An elbow to the nose should get the msg across. Next? Knee to the nuts.
Ticklers usually make it hard to get away. They wait for you to be in a vulnerable spot or literally pin you to trap you. Then they have the audacity to get offended when you get upset. As if they didn’t know better🙄
You are absolutely NOT the AH- he is!!! I also despise tickling, and I went through this with my now ex-husband. I trained myself not to laugh and to immediately say ‘NO’ in a stern voice. Sometimes it worked. When it didn’t I’d pick up his hand and throw it back at him or elbow him. Anything to make it not fun for him. He’d always pout and act like I was denying him his ‘fun.’
It boils down to empathy- he lacks it. Your husband lacks empathy for you. Let that sink in. Tell your husband that :
-His failure to respect your physical boundaries is a huge concern
-It’s abusive, because he is being willfully ignorant about the harm it causes you
-You have a right to defend yourself against something that harms you or causes you emotional distress.
If he keeps it up, leave the house after every incident. Hopefully it only takes once. Do not apologize for his hurt feelings.
If he still can’t see that you’re serious, and won’t apologize- I’m sorry but you’re married to a giant man baby who will never respect you. He thinks his right to have fun (at your expense) supersedes your wishes for your OWN BODY. He needs to grow up.
Him tickling you wasn’t crossing a boundary until you told him to stop. Then it was crossing a boundary every single time he did it. Think about the fact that it’s more important for him to get a good laugh at your expense, not only because you’ve told him that you don’t like it, but because he doesn’t think what you want is important enough to listen to.
This is a result of him FAFO. He is absolutely disregarding your boundaries, your hard limits, your hard no, whatever you want to call them. You are saying “I hate this, if you do it, I will do this”, and he is saying, “haha that’s hilarious, and I’m going to do it anyway”.
Now he’s the victim? Funny how that works, huh? Google DARVO. I’d bet a lot of money this isn’t the only place this happens in your relationship.
NTA. I have told men in the past “I don’t want you to tickle me. And if you do it will not apologize if you catch an elbow to the eye.” Not my fault.
NTA consent applies to ALL touch. If you said you didn’t like being hugged and he still forced you to accept hugs from him that would be wrong and continued disrespect of your boundaries could be considered abuse. IT DOES NOT MATTER HIS OPINION OF THE TICKLING BECAUSE IT’S NOT HIS BODY. If you focus on the action of tickling because tickling sounds like a silly thing so it might make people think it’s a silly boundary but it’s not. he’s touching your body in a way that you don’t like and you have repeatedly asked him not to do this his behavior is completely unacceptable. if you take out the action word of tickling and say “I don’t like this please don’t do it anymore”, whatever “this” is doesn’t matter because you’ve made it clear that you have a boundary. your husband should be the first person to defend and the last person to disrespect your boundaries. I think you have a bigger husband problem than you realize.
NTA. I’d rip an eye ball out to get someone to stop tickling me. I absolutely HATE it.
NTA – I don’t like my ears being touched, weird I know, but if you touch them accidentally I don’t say anything. If you do it on purpose you get one warning, do it again and I smack your hand.
He is abusing you. You have told him not to touch you this way. You have told him touching you this way is unenjoyable. He doesn’t care. He is enjoying hurting you and enjoying doing it against your will. You NO means nothing to him. He happily violates your body because it’s a violation – he LOVES that you do not enjoy it. It makes him so happy you don’t enjoy it and he is violating you that he laughs out loud.
Now he is angry with you that you fought back against his violations & abuse.
Think about that. I bet this applies to other situations besides tickling.
Sounds like he fucked around and found out.
NTA
You informed him that ticking violated your boundaries. i.e. you denied consent. He doesn’t care about your consent or boundaries. Consent is the difference between fun and abuse.
Inevitably, the abuse will escalate.
You aren’t safe with him. Get out now!
Anything that happens to you as a result of holding a person down and tickling them is something you deserve
Tell him to grow a pair
I feel the same way as you do. I fucking HATE it. And I tell every partner that if they do it they’re risking a punch to the throat.
The fact that he blatantly ignores your clearly stated boundary is a huge problem. I’m wondering if there is something that he hates that you can compare it to that will maybe get it through his head? If not, then tell him you’ll be staying elsewhere until he gets it, like others have suggested.
Your husband is the AH for repeatedly ignoring your boundary in regards to being tickled. I too HATE being tickled and I have made it clear to my husband that if I am tickled I will definitely react and it probably won’t be fun for him…
I do not think you are the AH, because you have repeatedly asked him not to tickle you. You have warned him that you will lash out. He ignored you. So this is on him. I believe he is in the FAFO stage.
Updateme
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NTA – and call it drastic if you want but that for me is definitely grounds for divorce.
He does not respect your boundaries, he does not reapect saying no, he finds it funny that you hate it.
He can be happy you only scratched him.
Sounds like something my narcissistic ex did. He also played the victim when he managed to make me so angry I started shouting and crying, ironically then told me I want to manipulate him by crying. I’d leave.
When my bf (now husband) tickled me and I told him not to (not because I dont like it, it’s meh, but because I spasm out and he will be hurt) he didn’t listen to me and then one day I accidentally kicked him in the balls. Funnily enough, he has not tickled me since.
He at least owned up to his mistakes and learnt from it, I hope yours does too.
NTA, I got tickled to the point of grasping for air in panic from my bullies – no joke! I’ll explain it straight away to ANYONE – one “push” in the side which is already ridiculously ticklish usually goes without any problems but if you actually tickle me, I start to throw hands and feet, scream, cry – full on fight in panic mode.
Your husband continues to do something to you that you hate, and you have asked him not to many many times, and yet he still does it? He really sounds like a great guy who respects you.
Listen to yourself.
NTA Why are you with someone who ignores your boundaries over and over and then gaslights you afterwards? Don’t put up with this!! This disrespect on his part if definitely divorce-worthy if he doesn’t stop.
NTA. Hate to tell you but yes this is emotional abuse. This is physical contact you’ve have expressed you do not want and he’s continuing. He’s showing you that your boundaries don’t matter and he’ll do whatever he wants to. Tell him the next time he does it he’s getting a full power slap. It’s called self defense and it’s absolutely justified.
But like others said, couples counseling. This is not ok and he needs to understand that.
Tickling without consent and even for extended periods with consent is a form of abuse.
i understand what you mean by not being able to help it. it’s the same with me when someone walks up behind me and i don’t hear them. it’s like reacting to a jump scare in a movie. i cannot help it. it could be anyone, but it’s mostly my husband bc he’s the only one here, and i know he’s in the house, so being aware of him being there isn’t the issue. it’s like neurologic or physiologic or something. i don’t know what it is, but i get it.
YNTA. he needs to stop putting his hands on you when you tell him you don’t want him to. he’s doing it (imo) to show you who’s boss. he’s laughing at the fact that you physically can’t stop him. he’s upset because you tried to stop him. you weren’t supposed to do that. you were supposed to take it. YNTA.
Was he an older or younger sibling? Im the younger one in my family, getting hurt after fucking with someone is part of the fun, so I suspect he may have been the older sibling.
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I don’t care what you say, your husband is a worthless, shitty abuser who doesn’t give a shit about boundaries and does not respect you at all. Please leave, he doesn’t deserve another second of your time, energy or love.
NTA.
In his defense, it can become very difficult to resist doing it (I am like that too). But, I learned to stop. Also, I never blamed my partner for getting rough because it’s my idiocy doing the tickling..
NTA.
Tickling is a form of abuse, whether or not your husband is an “abusive type.” I also hate tickling. Once my BIL tickled me and I grabbed his thumb and pushed it backward. It stopped him instantly. You might try that.
Yes, your husband IS abusive. Stop fawning, and I say this as a previous fawn-er. Stop minimizing, excusing, justifying, and backpedaling.
Who told you that abuse has to be loud, violent, or “something so overt it can’t be excused by you being too sensitive and too female”?
When someone touches someone else without their consent, it may be a faux pas or it may be assault (context applies). Most kids learn this in kindergarten. Your husband failed kindergarten.
When someone touches someone and VIOLATES their express REFUSAL, that is an abuse of power and control. That is literally assault.
That doesn’t mean I’m saying divorce him right this second, or to press charges. But you should carefully think about your relationship and examine other parts where he may be being “immature”, or violating your consent and then shrugging it off.
Because I will tell you right now, 100% of the partners I eventually ran screaming from, started with crap like this. Right now it’s tickling. What happens when it’s sex? Finances? But you’re married. But it was okay before. But he was just excited and got carried away. But he forgot. But he has needs.
Because the issue here is he does not see you as a person he NEEDS to have consent from, and he knows you’ll stay and not leave or invoke actual consequences, because him pretending he’s stupid and you’re abusive works just fine. He’s actually got you questioning your own instincts, self defense, and communicating regarding consent. Hes breaking you down and has been for awhile.
It gets worse. Some people change, but they have to want to and not for an ulterior motive like keeping you and perks he gets from the relationship, but because he realizes that women are just as much as a person as he is, with all the rights that come with that.
Let him know that the next time he does it, you’ll punch him in the balls and then you’ll leave. And if he says you’re not allowed to punch him in the balls or threaten to do that – point out that sure didn’t stop him from tickling you when you said no, now did it?
You say he isn’t abusive and would never hurt you emotionally but he is. You’ve told him how you feel and he is aware yet continues to do something that makes you uncomfortable. Because he enjoys it. He enjoys making you uncomfortable. You don’t consider this abusive? And you can’t get him to listen and you seriously. So he dismisses your feelings. He will continue to push boundaries like this and take things further because he’s getting away with it. Aside from couples therapy you should see one on your own.
He actions tickling is not abusive but it is disrespectful of you and your feelings. Therefore it does now form a type of abuse not respecting your boundaries.
I think scratching may help
Open his eyes before doing it again hopefully
You aren’t the ass hole here
He is and hey FAFO
You can tell us he’s the greatest husband all day long and that you know what abuse is because you’ve been abused BUT it doesn’t change the facts:
Because you’ve been abused before, your threshold for it is set at a certain level – probably higher than it should be. That doesn’t mean what he’s doing can’t be considered abuse.
You have told him not do something to you. He continues to do it anyway, dismissing your lack of consent.
You have told him you really hate this thing he does to you. He continues to do it anyway because he doesn’t care about your feelings.
Tickling is deeply unpleasant, painful even, for many people. Imagine your friend came to and said:
“My husband keeps slapping me across the face because he thinks it’s funny. I don’t like it, but he doesn’t punch me, and it doesn’t leave a mark, so it’s not abuse. He’s actually a great guy who is very gentle”.
What would you think? Because it’s not different. Ask your husband why he enjoys making you miserable. Ask him why his enjoyment is more important than your comfort.
If you don’t see it as abuse, why are you threatening to “throw hands”?
It IS abuse when someone continues to touch your body in an unwanted way. He is abusing you.
he understands, he just doesn’t care. if the roles were reversed you’d stop tickling him right? he isn’t listening to you because he doesn’t care and he likes doing it.