I (32F), live with 3 roommates: My cousin (28M), my boyfriend (28M) and my roommate/friend (31F). We live in a 3-bedroom/3-bathroom house with a single lane driveway. My cousin, roommate and I have lived together for about 3 years and my boyfriend moved in about 6 months ago. Recently, my roommate has been getting really upset anytime I ask her to help with something around the house. In our last roommate meeting I explained that having all the responsibilities of managing the house on my shoulders and making sure people do their chores has been stressful and rather than coming to me for household questions, they should be posted int he group chat for everyone to handle. I would continue to handle the finances and changing the chore board every week but I would no longer be an enforcer. Any grievances are discussed at our monthly roommate meetings, or are expected to be. Yesterday, my roommate came home from work and I was playing games. She texted and called me specifically to figure out in what order we should park in the driveway but I was busy so she didn’t get an answer. My cousins car is out of commission so it stays in the garage. My boyfriend and I both have set schedules. Her schedule is random. I had already asked her earlier that week what her schedule was and she let me know we would all be in office today. My boyfriend leaves at 6am, I leave at 6:30am and she leaves at 7am, so my boyfriend and I pulled our cars out onto the street before she got home. She still couldn’t work out in what order they go, so she parked in the middle of the driveway. This made no sense to me. So, I asked her to move her car up so my boyfriend and I could pull in. I explained to her that my bf and I had parked on the street because she was supposed to pull in the driveway first. She got upset saying she asked but got no response. I also asked her to be a little more mindful of my time and if she could try to work it out next time instead of texting me. I said “I take the initiative to learn everyone’s schedules so I know where to park my car. I wish you would do that too.” to which she responded, “I took the initiative to message you and ask.”. I got upset at this and just said “I don’t think it’s fair I have to do all the work.” and she said “ok.” and slammed the door into the house. So, AITA for expecting my roommate to work out where she should be parking in the driveway instead of relying on me to have the answer? Is there a better way to figure this out so there isn’t this silent discord between us moving forward?
Edit for clarification: My roommate and I moved into an apartment together three years ago. About six months later, my cousin moved into that apartment and we stayed there for a total of two years. We moved to another apartment with the understanding we would only stay there for a year and look for a house in the meantime. My boyfriend moved in about 9 months into this lease. All four of us were involved in the process of picking out this house. It was between this one and another one that was a little more but with a two care driveway so the issue of a one car driveway was discussed and everyone said they would work around it for the lower cost. We moved out of our second apartment and into this house in July of this year.
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I (32F), live with 3 roommates: My cousin (28M), my boyfriend (28M) and my roommate/friend (31F). We live in a 3-bedroom/3-bathroom house with a single lane driveway. My cousin, roommate and I have lived together for about 3 years and my boyfriend moved in about 6 months ago. Recently, my roommate has been getting really upset anytime I ask her to help with something around the house. In our last roommate meeting I explained that having all the responsibilities of managing the house on my shoulders and making sure people do their chores has been stressful and rather than coming to me for household questions, they should be posted int he group chat for everyone to handle. I would continue to handle the finances and changing the chore board every week but I would no longer be an enforcer. Any grievances are discussed at our monthly roommate meetings, or are expected to be. Yesterday, my roommate came home from work and I was playing games. She texted and called me specifically to figure out in what order we should park in the driveway but I was busy so she didn’t get an answer. My cousins car is out of commission so it stays in the garage. My boyfriend and I both have set schedules. Her schedule is random. I had already asked her earlier that week what her schedule was and she let me know we would all be in office today. My boyfriend leaves at 6am, I leave at 6:30am and she leaves at 7am, so my boyfriend and I pulled our cars out onto the street before she got home. She still couldn’t work out in what order they go, so she parked in the middle of the driveway. This made no sense to me. So, I asked her to move her car up so my boyfriend and I could pull in. I explained to her that my bf and I had parked on the street because she was supposed to pull in the driveway first. She got upset saying she asked but got no response. I also asked her to be a little more mindful of my time and if she could try to work it out next time instead of texting me. I said “I take the initiative to learn everyone’s schedules so I know where to park my car. I wish you would do that too.” to which she responded, “I took the initiative to message you and ask.”. I got upset at this and just said “I don’t think it’s fair I have to do all the work.” and she said “ok.” and slammed the door into the house. So, AITA for expecting my roommate to work out where she should be parking in the driveway instead of relying on me to have the answer? Is there a better way to figure this out so there isn’t this silent discord between us moving forward?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my roommate it was her responsibility to figure out parking at our house. I’m wondering if making a big deal out of this makes me an asshole or if they way I said it to her makes me an asshole.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta.
She parked in the middle of the drive way. The empty drive way that usually holds 3 cars and she purposely pulled to the middle and parked. Like she was the only one living there.
Sounds like you might need to cuange roomates. For what ever reason she is upset your bf moved in and is now behaving like this.
YTA. She can’t do anything right according to your post. You’re supposed to text questions to the group chat/you and then when she asks questions you’re too busy to answer?
Plus schedules change. If you need her to know your schedule then there should be a community whiteboard/calendar.
You sound exhausting to deal with.
Honestly that’s a bit stupid of ur roommate she shldnt have parked in the middle of the roommate and no ur not the asshole
It’s pretty easy to figure out that if people are parked in the street instead of the driveway when u get home it’s so they can park behind you. How does she hold a job if she can’t think for herself?
You’re NTA. You’re not the keeper of the info about everyone in the house. Unless you are. Do they all come to you for lots of other logistics questions? Things that could be put together in some sort of FAQ for your home? I get that people can’t always remember details so they need a reference to remind them. You don’t have to be their Google though.
NTA. She took the initiative to text you to try to get you to do the thinking for her. Remind her that she’s an adult. All of you are adults living there and she needs to stop looking to you to mother her. Call her out every time she disrespects your time and tries to put the mental load on you rather than figuring things out for herself.
Were there issues with parking in the 2.5 years before your boyfriend moved in and added an extra car to the parking situation? I’m curious if this is indicative of deeper issues she’s having with how the situation changed over the past six months with the extra roommate and extra car.
I can’t be the only one that thinks it’s bizarre af that you move your cars after your roomie gets home? What’s the difference between making an extra trip to the street and back to get your car when she gets home versus
just walking to your car in the morning?
This is an untenable arrangement and honestly ESH for agreeing to that. There’s no way to play musical cars every day without having conflict. It’s wrong for your roommates to leave you to deal with more than your fair share, and they suck for that, but in the specific situation here, it’s an impossible situation for everyone. If I had to come home and figure out that mess, I’d be pissed all the time. And I’d be pissed about being pissed all the time.
And tbh you sound… intense? Monthly meetings and official grievance policies? Were those your ideas specifically? If so, I could maybe see why they’re resentful. That’s… a lot. Is this something everyone enthusiastically agreed to, or did you pressure them into it?
I’m guessing their unwillingness to help is more about spite than laziness.
But, yeah. Figure out that damn car situation, because the set-up you’ve got going is just plain stupid. There’s obviously ample street parking if you’re already using it so squabbling over the driveway is just ridiculous.
to be honest, it sounds like ESH.
she’s being a child with how she’s responding/acting but you are making her sound like the bad guy here, like shes doing everything wrong and you are always right, which is a bad look?
is parking in the driveway the only place you can park? is street parking paid parking? if you and your bf know the schedule, then whats stopping you two from parking in the driveway and her just parking in the street? i mean its hard to believe that, in a house that has a sinlge lane driveway thatll even fit 4 cars (or 3 and 1 in the garage), that the only option is all three cars are in the driveway.
my inlaws have a 2 car wide driveway thatll fit their 3 cars and another (we are living with them for now) and i never park in the driveway because they play car shuffle everyday to accommodate schedules and its a nightmare. street parking is easier, even if i have to park half way up the block and walk to their house (i do this once a month or so)
It sounds like she’s low key bitter about the extra person living there. How much discussion was had about your bf moving in? I’m not saying you’re the AH because of this, I don’t know without more info, I’m just saying there’s definitely an underlying issue there because her parking debacle was so ridiculous it almost seems on purpose.
NTA your trying to enforce your boundaries abt not wanting to be the “enforcer” or in my opinion the mom of this whole roommate situation. You changed the preferred communication from people asking questions -> to having them lost in the group chat so it isn’t just on you to respond. I think the roommate is still relying on you for answers to things. And you’re just enforcing your boundaries of having her go to the group chat. So if she can’t change her habit then that’s her fault. Also I think she lacks common sense abt the parking situation since it was already discussed prior to this situation.
If you like this person then I would sit them down and discuss our issues so y’all can come to a resolution. She is obviously mad about something since she gets irritated when you ask her to help around the house. And you can truly express again that it’s exhausting for you to be in charge. So she needs to learn to ask the group chat or call them. And have you be one of the last point of contact. I think you wouldn’t mind as long as you aren’t the first person she calls.
(This needs to be done outside of a roommate meeting so it doesn’t feel like she’s getting ganged up on or out on the spot)
I N F O: How is your roommate supposed to know what you and your bf’s schedules are? Do you post them in the house?
Edited for judgment: NTA.
I think she’s asking you because she doesn’t know how to figure it out. I don’t know how else to say that politely.
NTA that sounds exhausting. You’re the house mom, a job you neither want nor asked for. I get a bit of that at work, and it sucks. Try to solve your own problem instead of immediately asking me all the time!
If her schedules changes, she should just always park on the street. Always, then she’s never blocking anyone else.
NTA. She’s not paying attention.
Nah you’re not the asshole. You already set the boundary that you’re not the household manager anymore, and parking is basic common sense, not your job to micromanage. She knew everyone’s schedule, she could’ve easily figured it out instead of leaning on you. Honestly sounds like she’s just used to you handling everything and doesn’t like the shift.
If you want less drama, maybe suggest a simple group rule like “whoever leaves earliest goes in the back, latest in the front.” That way nobody has to play traffic controller every night.
“I took the initiative to message you and ask.” Gotta love it.
You aren’t her mother. She needs to figure things out without always going to you to do the mental labor. NTA
This behavior is new, and she told you that new meds were affecting her mood negatively. My personal response would be to remind her, mildly, that meds can be a reason for bad behavior but not an excuse, so please would she do a little self-reflection, and then I’d cut her a little slack, like I would like to be treated.