It all started when I moved in with my college roommate. He offered to split cooking duties, but I had a long day and didn’t feel like dealing with it, so I just shrugged and said, “Honestly, man… I don’t even know how to boil an egg.”
Boom. No cooking duties.
But it didn’t stop there. Every time someone asked me to help in the kitchen, I leaned into the bit. Burnt toast, confused looks at measuring cups, the works. One time, I “melted” a plastic spoon in a pan just to sell it. The Oscar-worthy performance earned me a permanent pass.
Fast forward eight years. I’m a fully grown adult, living with my girlfriend of two years. She finds my “helplessness” in the kitchen adorable and brags to her friends about how she “loves taking care of me.” Meanwhile, I’ve been secretly making Michelin-level dishes at 2 a.m. when she’s asleep. I have a whole hidden Instagram account where I post plated meals under a pseudonym. 15k followers. I even got a DM from a small food magazine.
She thinks I survive on microwave nuggets and toast. She doesn’t know I make my own pasta from scratch.
Last night, she caught me dicing onions like a pro and I panicked and said it was a “one-off YouTube tutorial.”
I don’t know how to undo this without looking like a manipulative kitchen goblin. Do I fake a sudden cooking “awakening”? Do I confess that the man she fell for is actually a midnight chef with a pasta machine addiction?
TL;DR: I faked being useless in the kitchen for nearly a decade and now I’m a culinary imposter living a double life.
Comments
BOOOO
Just tell her you have a rat in your hat. boom that’s a wrap.
You should do a whole god damned party reveal where you start cooking your best meal and have her and some friends show up right in the middle of cooking and have them all sit in stunned silence or…. What ever and serve them your gourmet food for dinner and explain that you’ve been taking secret lessons OR tell the truth but I like the surprise I can cook party
Dude. This is the best opportunity ever. Tell her you want to help her with cooking and you’ll take classes. Use a whole month to show that you are taking classes. Then surprise her with a meal.. that you learnt specifically for her
When the weaponised incompetence chickens come home to roost
I told my ex I couldn’t cook. Anytime it was my turn I would either give him cereal or Stouffer’s’ frozen lasagna for dinner. It lasted for 2 years. Poor guy. LMAO 🤣
Fake
So she will know you have been lieing to her and manipulating her. Well done on being an abusive partner!
So you prepare a whole kick ass meal. Light candles set up the table and all that. You can send her to a spa or something to relax while you do all of this. Get flowers and everything. When she is back she will be surprised and you tell her how you have been practicing after she falls asleep and have been planning to surprise her. Tell her you did all this because you wanted to help her out in the kitchen.. boom and just like that you’re the man of her dreams now..