I (58M) have a daughter (25F) from a previous relationship which ended amicably when she was very young. When she was eleven i started dating my wife and introduced them a year later.
Despite us emphasising to my daughter that my wife didn’t need to be a parent, just a friend or at the minimum simply someone she needed to treat with respect, she hated her. We tried solo and family therapy but it only caused my daughter to act out more. She slashed my wife’s tyres which caused major issues at work due to her missing an important meeting, stole her belongings, and tampered with her food. This ended with my wife ending our relationship.
My wife and i reconnected a few years ago and were only married two years before she recently passed away from cancer. My daughter’s relationship with my wife was significantly better this time around but i would never say they were close or interacted much one on one.
My wife was married and had children in our time apart who i love and have a great relationship with but she expressed to me that she wished it had been me and i can’t help but feel the same. Whilst i know it is wrong i can’t help but feel resentful towards my daughter that she stole years of time with my wife from me and the opportunity to have children together.
I haven’t told anyone about my feelings yet but i don’t want to invite my daughter to the funeral as i feel a funeral is a time for people who truly loved and respected my wife to mourn her, not someone who made her life a living hell.
So WIBTA?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (58M) have a daughter (25F) from a previous relationship which ended amicably when she was very young. When she was eleven i started dating my wife and introduced them a year later.
Despite us emphasising to my daughter that my wife didn’t need to be a parent, just a friend or at the minimum simply someone she needed to treat with respect, she hated her. We tried solo and family therapy but it only caused my daughter to act out more. She slashed my wife’s tyres which caused major issues at work due to her missing an important meeting, stole her belongings, and tampered with her food. This ended with my wife ending our relationship.
My wife and i reconnected a few years ago and were only married two years before she recently passed away from cancer. My daughter’s relationship with my wife was significantly better this time around but i would never say they were close or interacted much one on one.
My wife was married and had children in our time apart who i love and have a great relationship with but she expressed to me that she wished it had been me and i can’t help but feel the same. Whilst i know it is wrong i can’t help but feel resentful towards my daughter that she stole years of time with my wife from me and the opportunity to have children together.
I haven’t told anyone about my feelings yet but i don’t want to invite my daughter to the funeral as i feel a funeral is a time for people who truly loved and respected my wife to mourn her, not someone who made her life a living hell.
So WIBTA?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
YTA do you have a relationship with your daughter? Are you at all concerned about how telling her she isn’t welcome at this funeral will affect your relationship with her? It sounds like you want to punish her for acting out toward this woman as a child even though they did somewhat repair the relationship once your daughter was older.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> By not inviting my daughter to the funeral i feel like i would be punishing her for her actions as a child over 12 years ago and causing a rift betweeneen my daughter and i which could be irreparable. My wife although hurt by my daughters actions would never want to come between me and my daughter which is why we broke up but i can’t help but feel uncomfortable with someone who hated my wife attending her funeral.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
have you talked to your daughter about the passing of your wife? has your daughter expressed condolences?
You’re still mad/hurt about what your daughter did when she was 11? So now you want to punish her? YWBTA. She managed to treat your wife better the second time around, so apparently she got over it. Maybe you will, someday, too. Anyway you get no benefit out of not inviting your daughter. And possibly some harm to your relationship with her.
I’ve never been invited to a funeral.
Is that a custom in some places or in some cultures?
[deleted]
I’m pretty sure this is just AI, but I’ll point out anyway that in my whole long life I have never received an invitation to a funeral, nor do I know anyone that has.
YTA
You’re holding a grudge that your wife got over, you’re less mature than an angry 11yo.
Soft YTA. Funerals are also times for the people who love the mourners to be supportive of the living, even if they themselves aren’t as grieved by the death. Does your daughter love you? Do you have the kind of relationship where she’d want to be there for you? Then telling her she’s not welcome to do that, that you refuse any support she may want to offer you, may irreparably damage that relationship, or at least hurt it for a while. Do you think your daughter has grown into someone you’re proud of, outside of how she reacted to what she viewed as a replacement mommy when she was a kid? (Not saying it’s okay, it definitely wasn’t, but she was also a child and you don’t tell us how long that original relationship lasted.)
>She slashed my wife’s tyres which caused major issues at work due to her missing an important meeting, stole her belongings, and tampered with her food.
Like a disembodied voice narrated this. A dense collection of unforgivable “vindictive crazy person” tropes all lumped together in one throwaway sentence.
I’m calling fake.
YTA
You are punishing your daughter for stuff she did as a child, they repaired the relationship later in life. She is allowed to go to the funeral
NTA listen you are entitled to your feelings. That being said what was your relationship like with your daughter growing up?
YTA
Funerals are for the living. Your daughter presumably has some sort of relationship with you and should be welcome at the funeral.
More importantly, she was acting out in an unhinged way as a child. You, as her parent, were responsible for setting limits and getting her treatment if necessary. Your daughter committed crimes against your girlfriend and you did not address it effectively. I do understand that you tried therapy but for how long? And what did your child’s individual therapist recommend that you do to stop the child from committing more felonies? You are putting a very heavy burden on someone who was not a responsible adult and you seem to be absolving yourself of responsibility.
YTA. You need therapy for your feelings of resentment, and should have gotten therapy a long time ago. Harboring resentment towards your child for actions she committed as a child is not healthy. Your daughter was likely struggling with so much change as a child, and while her actions like tampering with food and slashing tires are not excusable, by your own admission, your daughter made different choices and was cordial to your wife as an adult. If, however, your daughter tried to poison or kill your wife by tampering with her food, that is a different matter entirely, in which case you would still need therapy.
A funeral isn’t the time to make your point. You can discuss this issue first with a therapist to work through your emotions, then you can pull in your daughter later when you are more emotionally equipped to have this conversation with her. Do not under any circumstances use a funeral as a way to express your feelings on this matter, especially because it does not seem like you have ever expressed these emotions to your daughter before. After you have spoken, you can later ask that your daughter come with you to visit your wife’s grave to apologize, or to write a letter to your wife and leave it on her grave.
You are grieving, but if you do this, your relationship with your daughter will never be same again. Do you really want to mourn your relationship with your daughter, on top of the already crushing grief you feel?
NTA.
Funerals are for the living. You are the husband. You have every right to decide who comes, and, unless your daughter is tearfully begging to be there for you, why would you ask her to be there for someone she seems to have hated, and whose life she certainly made more difficult?
INFO: How old was your daughter during the hard times? Did she live solely with you then or does she have another guardian still she lived with some of the time?
YTA
are you seriously being resentful towards smtg your daughter did when she was 11?! the childs mother just died! you cant help but feel like someone is replacing her when your dad acts lovingly towards someone else – which to you – should’ve been your mother.
So yes, YTA
YTA. Funerals don’t require invitations but this isn’t about an invitation, it’s about your bizarre need to uninvite her so she knows you’re still the same guy that didn’t support her as a kid.
You don’t really invite people to a funeral, though, do you. You’d have to go out of your way to tell her she’s unwanted there — and surely that would be destructive to whatever future relationship you might hope to have with your daughter and any grandchildren,
You’re hurting now, and my condolences on your loss. The resentment is understandable. But your judgment may be skewed by grief and anger right now, and you may regret it later.
Your daughter acted out as a child. but her behaviour has an adult has since improved.
This is a tough call, but in my opinion, YWBTA to ban her, unless you have very good reason to believe that she would be offensive or disruptive.
Yta
You are holding a grudge against your daughter. Not “funerals should only be for x” bs, this is about you still being pissed at your kid. This is about you resenting a child, blaming her for “breaking you up.”
I’m sure she was an ass, as all teens are, but kids don’t exist inside a vacuum. We are a product of our environments, and the fact that you clearly blame her for everything makes me think that you haven’t taken responsibility for your part.
That’s called transference, and it’s not fair to your kid. You’re definitely the ah.
Yeah YWBTA. Funerals aren’t about gatekeeping who “deserves” to grieve, they’re about closure for everyone. Your daughter was part of her life, messy history or not. Cutting her out won’t heal anything, it’ll just nuke your relationship further.
I….you do know that healthy 11-year-olds don’t slash tires and tamper with peoples’ food for no reason, right? Therapy also does not cause a person to lash out; it’s quite common for the first therapist you try to not be an awesome match, so when you realized something wasn’t working, why did you not try to get her to a different therapist or search for another solution? And have you been to therapy? Because right now, you’re holding resentment toward an adult for something she did when she was eleven years old and under your own care.
Yes, YTA. It is not your daughter’s fault that your wife had children with another man. It’s fine to regret the way a significant event in your life panned out, but the proper place to work with those feelings is a therapist’s office, not sitting around coming up with punishments for your daughter for things she did before she was in high school….again, while she was under your care and thus your responsibility.
NTA But I would explain to your daughter that you feel uncomfortable with her attending and see what she says. It’s likely that she’ll understand and agree that she shouldn’t attend. As you said they weren’t close and didn’t interact one on one. It’s likely that your daughter would only feel an obligation to attend because of you.
You feel resentful towards your 12 year old teenage daughter who lashed out when her dad wasn’t with her mom anymore?
I think you need to rethink how you’re processing your grief. That’s the wrong direction my friend…
It sounds like THEY got over their differences in their mutual love for you and found reasonable coexistence. I would personally invite her, but maybe preface it with I don’t want you to feel as though you have to go, you are invited so you can make a choice for yourself on how you wish to participate in this family mourning moment.
I totally get not wanting her there bc of hardships but it does sound like they were at minimum neutral towards one another in their last couple of years of interactions. Robbing her of an invitation and the choice to show up FOR YOU at this time will only deepen a divide between the two that seems to be starting due to your resentment for her “stealing time” with your wife from you. This is something YOU need to work through since it seems they did before she passed. Your daughter’s presence at the funeral would most likely be there to support you in your mourning – not a selfish thing I’d imagine.
Yeah feeling resentful towards your daughter for stuff she did when only an 11 year old is pretty bad. Especially considering she was coming from a divorce separation with her mother. If she had been an adult or at least out of high school that’s a bit different.
Being TA has less to do with the funeral than it does with your fatherly relationship with your daughter. To hard to answer your question because it’s too hard to say if your daughter will be hurt if you don’t invite her.
I’ll say this though – I have never heard of funeral invitations. Usually once the obituary is posted and the word is out people are free to attend if they wish. That’s because you don’t want to make assumptions about other people’s relationships with the deceased. Let them decide for themselves.
YTA. Ok, your daughter seemed to have deeply rooted anger as a young child. Let’s place an emphasis on child here.
Your sole responsibility was to help nurture and help this child. Therapy? Guided professional adjustments? Medications if necessary?
This was telling right from the start when you asked a child to be a friend to this new – what should have been- parental figure and also expected/demanded respect. Respect and understanding take time and are earned.
Now that you understand YOU are in the wrong and not a CHILD, great! Next step is learning why YTA for trying to prevent your daughter from attending a funeral. This is not your call buddy. Funerals are for closure and empathy (which seems you lack in both). Give her the space needed to process and grow. She might want to attend, or she might want to do something else to grieve or make amends with choices made over time. That call is hers. Not yours.
It’s incredible. Creeping into your senior years and you still cant see the damage you’re causing.
Get therapy and grow up.
TLDR; YTA. Your daughter was a child who needed parental guidance, and you let her down – and continue to let her down. Get help.
YTA… I am only going with that because of the age of your daughter when it seems most of her issues occurred. She was 11 years old. I’m not justifying her bad actions. She was definitely old enough to know better. At the same time, dealing with a new romantic partner even after a year can be very very hard on kids. They can act out and do all sorts of things that they would look back on as adults and think they were crazy.
You stated that your daughter was better the 2nd time around. She had matured and despite her likely personal feelings tried to be an adult and you admit she was better the second time around. I get that her actions led to lost years you can’t get back and a life you could have had but didn’t, but this is your bio daughter that was in her adolescent years at the time of her bad actions which seemingly stopped. Its not easy to forget, but my suggestion is to not use the funeral as a way to make your point. Deal with the loss of your wife and grieve as long as you need. Once you are feeling more yourself and up to talking in detail about this stuff, you should sit your daughter down and have an adult conversation. Don’t let things go unsaid or the relationship fester because of stuff she did as a kid. Keeping her away will only add to the pain in the long run.
Now, if she continued treating wife bad in her later years, my opinion would be different. You know the timeline.
YTA
You are really holding that grudge against YOUR 11 year old CHILD.
Funerals are for the living. As the primary mourner if you don’t want the support of your only child. That is your choice. However, your daughter gets to decide if you ever get to know your grandchildren.
Honestly, YTA for getting married the first time around before addressing the issue with your daughter who was a child.
Like, you’re saying your daughter hated your wife to the point of slashing her tires and tampering with her food and the two of you still thought it was a good idea to get married? Honestly at that times, your wife was an AH too.
Does it suck the two of you lost out on time together? Yep, it does but your responsibility was to the child who did not choose to have your wife in her life.
I can’t imagine that your daughter will want to attend the funeral in the first place, but you need to figure out how to have a relationship with your child without resenting her.
YTA for still harboring ill will for an 11 year old. Instead of blaming her you should look at what more you could have done or maybe look at your wife because she didn’t want to stick it out long enough for your child to figure her feelings out.
My main take away is you need therapy
Funerals and memorial services are excellent opportunities to reflect on our relationships with loved ones and nurture the ones we still have. Funerals are also good times to cement fractures in families so that healing can never happen.
Generally, you don’t “invite” people to a funeral.
You put the word out that someone has died and there will be services, and people choose to come or not.
So to me, the question is whether or not you should specifically exclude your daughter from the service – by telling her not to come.
To me, that seems like a potential asshole move.
NTA
Don’t listen to these people who call you TA.
Be strong.
Your daughter is a grown woman now and people are not necessarily invited to a funeral… you go to pay your respects – unless you specifically are asked to stay away. She can come if she wants.
YWBTA if you invite your daughter to your wife’s funeral. Funerals are for the living. If you want to continue to have a good relationship with your daughter, invite her. You need to try to let go of your resentment toward her as well. Nothing can change what
Very slight YWBTA. Your grief is clouding your judgement on how big a rift this would cause with your daughter. Unless she’s likely to cause a scene (which it doesn’t sound like she is) there is no reason to exclude her from what is at it’s core a family event. Even if she wasn’t your wife’s biggest fan, she will probably want to be there for you in your grief.
NTA. Your daughter didn’t have much of a relationship with your wife, so why would she even want to be there?
NTA, everyone saying you are sounds like they have Daddy issued and they aren’t over it. Don’t include her, you can have dinner privately afterwards.
NTA, people come to funerals as much to support those left behind, and it doesn’t sound like her presence would do that.
But…this isn’t just about the funeral. Your resentment on missing out on a whole chunk of life is going to be there after that day. Slashing tyres and tampering with food is beyond standard child/step parent thing and big feelings on both sides about it don’t just quietly fade away. Your relationship with your daughter has been broken. You should also think about what, if anything, you want to do about that moving forward
You posting this makes me question you. Your child should’ve always come first. And why are you making this a big deal? They had a cordial relationship at the end. Are you trying to punish your daughter?
Yta. How could you admit you resent your child and not think you’re the AH.
Your wife’s dead, she’s not coming back. Why sever your relationship with your daughter too?
You and your wife are responsible for the initial relationship ending. She didn’t want to hold out because of a child, and that’s fair but it’s not the child’s fault. You need to hold yourself and your wife accountable for the fact that you chose not to stick at it.
Two grown ass elders, blaming a child for a decision they chose, disgusting.
You are the biggest a** I’ve seen post in a while. WTF. YTA. Your children should ALWAYS come first. She didn’t steal years away from your relationship.
My dad was in a relationship with someone when I was a teen. For lots of reasons none of us got along, so they lived separately until us children moved out. I’m thankful my dad doesn’t hold that over my head. They are together and married now. We are civil but there’s no pressure to be this happy family.
YTA for all the reasons that have already been said here. Yikes man.
What do funeral invitations look like? Do you save the date? Include RSVP cards?
You are holding resentment for something your daughter did when she was a CHILD. Rather than work as a family to improve her behavior, you blamed your daughter for your relationship ending.
Which, for the record, simply isn’t true. She didn’t leave you because your daughter was a terror. She left you because YOU didn’t properly deal with your daughter’s behavior. It is not the child’s fault that the relationship ended–the child was being a child. The adults didn’t handle the child’s behavior well, and that led to the adults’ relationship ending.
This whole “that should have been us married and having kids” thing may be true, but honestly, it’s rose-colored hindsight. Even if your daughter had been a perfect angel, your relationship may have ended. You may have had children together and then divorced. A million things could have come up.
That’s life. Sometimes our timing for relationships is bad. That’s just how the world works. Stop blaming your daughter for your failed relationship, and be grateful for the time you and your wife had together.
YTA.
>Whilst i know it is wrong i can’t help but feel resentful towards my daughter that she stole years of time with my wife from me and the opportunity to have children together.
YTA. Your daughter didn’t steal time from you. You didn’t make enough time or effort to manage your daughter’s behavior and emotions. No mention of her mother, therapy, anything.
If you parted from your wife because your kid was wigging out and creating a hostile environment, that choice was 100% on you and you don’t get to put it on your kid just because she was a terror growing up.
Nobody is invited to a funeral
NTA for thinking this, but kinda A for resenting your child for things that happened long ago. While I understand the reluctance and your need to feel safe to grieve. Invite her knowing she would decline anyhow, but give her the chance to join you.
YTA.
Unless there’s concerns that she’ll cause a scene or behaves inappropriately she should be invited. A funeral is to say goodbye for anyone who wants to say goodbye. Maybe your daughter would like to say goodbye to her step-mother, especially since they got along better lately.
Punishing her for acting out over your divorce/ new relationship when she was a child would be wrong. No matter how amicable a divorce is, it can always be a very traumatic event for a child of any age. And she obviously had quite a severe PTSD from the divorce by the look of it… Acting out & aggression after a divorce are prime symptoms of a traumatic stress disorder. And PTSD is not something you can just get over. Your late wife did right by your daughter when she left you, I wonder however why you didn’t made that necessary step. If just to avoid a serious harm to her. Tempering with food? Hell that can quickly turn into manslaughter, your daughter was obviously not ok and needed help. The first therapist isn’t always the best, sometimes you need to “shop around”. Giving up should never be ab option. (Obviously some people just can’t afford therapy… but either way forcing a child to live with a step-parent they hate is always cruel).
You would NBTA if you sat your daughter down and had an adult conversation with her. Share how you feel, but expect that you will hear some things you don’t want hear as her parent. The fact is, you did choose your wife over your child, and for that YTA.
I’m so sorry about your wife. Be careful of alienating your daughter in case you want to be part of her life. And any future grandchildren’s life. It’s going to be a hard day anyway, can you ignore her presence? I wish you luck on this grief journey.
YTA. This screams bad parenting.
Yeah YWBTA. Funerals aren’t just about who was closest or who was worthy, they’re about closure for everyone tied to the person. Your daughter and your wife weren’t tight, but the relationship improved later and she still lost someone who was part of her life. Shutting her out would just add a whole new layer of pain and resentment and honestly it sounds more like you’re letting your old anger at her color things. Invite her, you don’t have to sit together or even talk much but don’t burn that bridge.
YTA in that you didn’t do anything to help your daughter. Normal 11-year olds don’t slash tires and tamper with food. Clearly, you did something wrong on a fundamental level and now are blaming your daughter…?
YWBTA if you don’t invite her. Her behavior was really extreme, and did cost you the first part of your relationship with your wife, but she was a child at the time, and you said they were able to be civil in her adult years. If you wife was willing to reconnect with you and able to be around her as an adult, I think she would tell you to extend this to her now.
I’m very sorry for your loss, and I understand your feelings about missing out on those years with your wife. Punishing your now adult daughter for it though is not the right path. I would recommend seeking some therapy for yourself too.
NTA. You’re grieving and I totally understand where you’re coming from but since your daughter ended up with a somewhat civil relationship with your wife, I think you should let her make the call. Let her know the details and she is welcome to come or not, there’s no pressure either way. No need to exclude her if she wants to pay respects, and no hard feelings if she doesn’t.
YTA, funerals are generally open to all who choose to pay respects to those left behind . I’ve never heard of “invite only “ Funerals . It would be wise to leave it up to your daughter. She will either surprise you with her decision or continue to feed the dillusion that it’s her fault y’all missed time together. 🤷🏼♀️✌🏼
Updateme
You shouldn’t try to be the judge over someone’s heart. As you said, this time round she behaved differently so perhaps this is a result of work and healing on her part. A funeral is her opportunity to heal further, depriving her of that opportunity would be unfair.
Your feelings of resentment and hurt are clear, but they are a sign of healing and repair needed on your part and this could be your chance to do that.
NTA you’re in the right in here
Even your daughter was civil to her during your second marriage, you can’t risk yourself or the family to be exposed to some nasty comments your daughter can do. This is a time of grief and it should be respected
And if you think about it, there’s absolutely not a point inviting her. If your wife had a say in these, she would have absolutely refused because of the resent she held, and it was very well deserved by your daughter
If your offer can give you her true condolences that’s fine. But there’s a place and time for everything and now it’s not a good one for your daughter to be there
I wasn’t aware that a funeral was something to be invited to. I always assumed anyone could pay their respects to a deceased person.
YTA.
Unless your daughter is a complete psychopath, she feels awful over her childish behavior in the past. In her own way, she needs to grieve this death as well. Depriving her of that at this point is just spiteful.
YTA but you don’t need Reddit you need therapy and grief counseling, please get help. I’m so sorry for your loss.
NTA – However, I would discuss it with your daughter before not inviting her. As a parent with an adult child who treats my spouse terribly, I understand where you’re coming from. This does not stem from bad parenting or anything else you’re accused of, your daughter clearly reacts very emotionally in regard to your wife and this would give her the opportunity to decide if she can keep it together enough to be respectful. If not, then ask her not to attend and be done with it. I wouldn’t belabor it.
I don’t think your daughter cares about that
YTA. You are holding a grudge against your daughter for things she did when she was 11. As adults your late wife and you decided to end the relationship. Blaming her now as an adult is only going to hurt yourself and your daughter.
YWBTA. Funerals are about closure, not gatekeeping. Even if your daughter and wife weren’t super close, she still deserves a chance to say goodbye. Cutting her out would just stir up more drama and bad blood when what’s needed is peace.
You don’t really invite or not invite someone to a funeral…the information is public on the funeral home’s website and she can come if she wants. You’d have to specifically tell her not to come which is your choice but just be prepared for the consequences it could have on your relationship with her.
She was only 11 before. Yes it doesn’t excuse her bad behavior but it certainly explains it.
NTA.
YWNBTA
Children always come first, you are resentful of a teenager that was acting out? Teenagers are supposed to act out. I’m sure your daughter isn’t the only reason you guys divorced buddy.
NAH – I’m sure you realize that the actions of a tween and young teen are not rational, but that doesn’t mean they didn’t hurt and are without long-term consequences. You’re also not rational right now, due to grief.
As far as the funeral, it’s your spouse & the love of your life. Your feelings matter more than other people’s as far as closure from the funeral. If it’ll hurt more to have your daughter there, you have every right to ask her not to come or at least give you space if she does show up.
Long term, you’re going to need to process this with someone qualified because you can’t hold tween angst against your daughter forever.
NTA.
Funerals are not an invite and rsvp
Hey.
You know the stages of grief, right? There’s a LOT of big feelings right now, and it looks like you’re dealing with a bit of Anger. Can’t be angry at the dead person, but the kid who drove her away and caused you to miss a few years? That’s a target for your anger that’s RIGHT THERE.
I am not gonna put in a vote as to if you’re an asshole or not. Instead I’m going to ask you to very kindly NOT nuke the relationship you have with your daughter. Do NOT hurt her just because she is still here and your wife isn’t! This could dig up a LOT of feelings she’s thought she’s moved past.
Before unilaterally banning her, I’d ask your daughter if she even WANTS to go. You could be stressing out over a non-issue.
YTA also who needs an invite to funeral. If you want to go you go no invite needed.
NTA. Keep it small and meaningful.
You don’t send “invites” to a funeral, like it’s going to be some big party or something. You let it be known to the community and everyone you and your wife knows that her funeral is happening and if they want to come and pay respects, they are welcome to do so. You totally blaming your daughter for your breakup and now trying to exclude her from something that doesn’t need an invitation to makes you the AH.
NTA – your feelings are valid. You experienced a unique loss, compounded by the complicated history with your daughter and your late wife. A funeral isn’t just a social obligation, it’s a space for mourning and honoring the deceased in a way that’s meaningful to you and those who truly loved her.
That said, it might be worth considering whether excluding your daughter publicly at the funeral could create lasting conflict. Some people choose private grieving or a separate memorial for themselves and close loved ones, while still allowing others to attend formally. This gives you the space to process your grief without forcing interaction with someone who caused harm.
Honestly, there’s no “wrong” way to grieve here. Your resentment and sadness are real, and honoring your wife in a way that feels genuine is not selfish but it’s necessary.
Info: Does your daughter want to go to the funeral?
>i feel a funeral is a time for people who truly loved and respected my wife to mourn her
There’s truth in this, but I would note that the only times I go to a funeral are when I go to support the bereaved. If you don’t want your daughter there then don’t tell her when and where it is. NTA.
YWBTA if you excluded her. Funeral aren’t about gatekeeping who deserves to grieve — they’r about closure. Yes, your daughter made horrible mistakes as a teen, but you even said her relationship with your wife was better in recent years. Denying her a chance to mourn won’t protect your wife’s memory, it will only create a wound between you and your daughter that never heals. Be angry, be resentful if you must but don’t weaponize a funeral.
Yikes, holding onto resentment is a bad look.
Clearly your child needed your help and you were more concerned with getting laid by this woman than your own damn child.
YTA, just invite her. It’s not a summons she can come if she wants. Or are you afraid she will make a speech about how awful she was to her as a child?
I lean toward NTA, but suspect I’ll be in the minority. According to the AITA hive mind, parents should never get divorced. If they do, they should never get remarried. If they do get remarried, the children are entitled to treat the stepparent like shit and the parent and stepparent must kiss the children’s asses until they both die.
NTA – your daughter was a child but it doesn’t absolve her of the hurt she caused. I would recommend seeing a therapist yourself and then discussing your feelings with your daughter with the guidance of a therapist as well.
It seems to be that a lot of your pain comes from the fact that your daughter has never acknowledged the pain that she caused you and your late wife, and now that fact that her actions did cost you a lifetime together.
I really feel as if we haven’t been given the full story as most kids don’t.. go that far. Weird.
Btw yeah you’d be a major asshole if you banned her from the funeral.
People send out invitations to funerals?
Ywbta- she was 12. I’m sorry your wife passed, but your focus back then needed to be on your child.
I’m not a mental health professional, but I think you are currently going through the anger phase of grief. You want to punish somebody for losing your wife and your daughter turned out to be an easy target.
There’s little point in being angry at cancer. You can’t do anything to hurt it. It’s a disease, not a person.
Can’t be angry at your wife. She didn’t run off with cancer to Vegas, she died.
Your daughter… well, there was this time she behaved like a psycho, and your wife left you over that. That’s a good target.
If your wife had said anything before her passing about not wanting your daughter at her funeral, I’d say go right ahead. But it sounds like your wife didn’t give you any instructions in this regard, so if she still felt resentment towards your daughter, it wasn’t strong enough to warrant excluding your child from the funeral.
Let’s look at the possible outcomes if you don’t invite your daughter.
If she is an awful person, she won’t give a crap about not being invited.
If she has outgrown her awful teenage mindset, she is going to be hurt about not being invited. Again, I think this is what you wish for because somebody has to be punished for the death of your wife.
If you do invite her and she is an awful person, she either won’t come or simply be a reluctant extra.
If she has outgrown her teenage mindset, she will appreciate the chance to say farewell and quietly apologise to the woman she tormented back when.
You say you have an otherwise good relationship with your daughter. Why not give her a call, tell her that you know she and your wife had a complicated relationship with past grievances, and that you are not sure whether she wants to be invited?
Her reaction to that, no matter what it looks like, will tell you a lot.