Location: Texas
Throwaway account for safety.
My ex husband is a bad alcoholic and has relapsed. He’s been making up stories about the kids and then bullying me with how I respond. Recently a situation spiraled out of control and he threatened to kill my kids and kill me. I do think he would do it if he’s drinking.
The DA said because it was a conversation and wasn’t recorded we don’t have good enough evidence.
I’m waiting on AVDA & TAP and I don’t know this process or what to do.
I was told there’s a difference between a civil restraining order and a criminal one? And I might still qualify for one even if the DA said no? Is that true, and would I be likely to get one within two weeks? I’m trying to figure out how long to plan for our physical safety.
I don’t know what this process is and I’m just scared and I don’t know what to do. CPS, the DA, and law enforcement are involved. There’s a long history of abuse including times where he’s tried to kill me. He was very specific with his threat and it included how, when, and where he would do it. Idk if I’m doing all of this right or what I’m supposed to do now. Just waiting on TAP/AVDA I guess. Or if I’m not likely to get a protective order, I need to start running & hiding.
Comments
Have you spoken with the domestic violence shelter yet? They often have a lot of resources including attorneys who are able to advise you on these things for free or almost nothing.
I’m also going to throw us out there – restraining orders are really helpful at resourcing and prosecutions, but they do not solve the problem of what you need to be doing the 8 minutes or so it takes for police to actually respond to him showing up and attempting to hurt you or your family. You need to build an actual meaningful self-protection plan and that is something that a shelter can help you with. That may include not staying at your house for a while, varying your trips to and from work and other places that you go, flagging the issue with your children’s school, and so on.
Reach out to AVDA & TAP and see if they can refer you to a lawyer to advise you on a divorce and protection. If you leave, you may be eligible for the Address Confidentiality Program. Essentially, the less people that know where you are, the harder it is for him to track you down.
Right before you leave, you will want to check your phone for location services, as well as your car for any tracking device. You’d also want to stay off social media – plenty of DV victims have had issues where a mutual friend rats them out to their abuser. You might also check to see if AVDA & TAP have a specific checklist of other things to do to minimize your risks.
If you can’t leave immediately, you could put cameras up on the off chance he threatens you again, or just a audio recording device. That would get the evidence necessary to convince the DA. Texas is a one party consent state anyway. If he has sent threats over text/email he has sent, or made any threatening social media posts, you should turn those over as well.
One important thing – if you leave, do not block him until your lawyer tells you to, as you don’t want to throw away potential evidence if he goes on a meltdown.
And finally, once you do leave, make sure you tell the kid’s school so that he can’t take the kids, and that they don’t provide him with information such as where the bus drops your kid off. Same with doctor’s offices, any service providers, etc.
I am domestic violence advocate from Arizona so I do not know about Texas law as much as my state but with threats of killing you and the children, that typically is enough grounds to get an order of protection against your ex husband. Please check out this website for more information. It looks like you should qualify for a Family Violence Protective Order due to the severity of the threat. Do not take that threat lightly. Please reach out to domestic violence agencies in your area. If you feel comfortable enough, please message me and I can help with you safety planning