58F, my husband died early spring of last year after a long illness. I have a goddaughter whom I call my niece, E 38F.
My husband grew up playing violin. He started in grade school, and continued to study through college, playing in his university orchestra. By the time we got together he was climbing his way up the corporate ladder, and he stopped playing. He told my niece before we got married, when she was still in her mid teens, that she could have it after he passed.
She was living with us at the time he died, but she got involved with some bad companions and started using illegal drugs again. We brought her here to clean up and get her life back together. I allow weed in my home because it’s legal, I don’t allow anything that could compromise my freedom to vote and leave the country at will. Her boss had started to complain about powder around her nose on the job, and she’s missed several court appointments regarding the custody of her kids. I told her she needed to either get into rehab or find another place because I can’t compromise my safety, that of other friends living here, and my housemate’s kid. She snapped and told me that because I started seeing a new guy she has to forfeit any hope of custody and called me some ugly names. She left my house and has not been back since.
My housemate’s kid is starting music lessons through their school. Instrument rental shops around here are too far to access by bus, and mom lost her job last week so both rental fees and the Ubers she’d need to go to the shops are just too much. This child is a good kid, a good student, and really wants to learn music. Giving the violin to niece on my late husband’s word alone, it would sit gathering dust somewhere. I think my husband would appreciate the violin being actually used; he thought every kid should learn music by any means possible.
So would I be TA if I gave the violin to someone who would actually appreciate and use it?
Comments
Heavens no. That little girl has earned it. NTA and very generous.
NTA
She isn’t clean enough for her own children and may just sell that piece of your husband to pay for her fix. I think giving it to the child is the right thing to do. Keep your husband’s spirit alive with the child’s music. I think it would be beautiful, especially if the child understand the sentiment behind the violin.
I would probably get it appraised first. If it’s worth anything you can always buy the kid a violin.
Very sorry for your loss. NTA, I’m sure that child would cherish something like that very much.
Can we back up a minute? Why would your boyfriend’s existence jeapordize her chances of regaining custody?
You need to make sure she can handle the instrument. Usually, young children so not start out on high quality instruments for reasons
NTA, the niece will probably sell it to fund her consumption.
NTA. Violins need to be looked after properly in order to survive, and your housemate’s child sounds like a much better home for it.
Of course you would not be wrong to give the violin to a child who would actually learn on it. Given to your niece it would wind up in a pawn shop to pay for her next fix. I think you know which your husband would want.
Giving it to your drug addict niece it would more than likely get hocked for drug money.
I would suggesting lending it to your housemates child (potentially with a contract) then you would maintain ownership and still be able to give it to your niece if she cleans up within whatever timeframe you think is reasonable
NTA.
May he rest in peace.
NTA. I think your husband would rather see it used than go up your niece’s nose.
NTA your niece is likely to sell it for drug money. Let your husband’s legacy and love of music live on in a kid who needs it.
Drug addicts are aware they’re fuck ups and they’re very used to burning bridges and self-destructung. All very cliche.
The promise of the instrument being passed down and the executor ignoring this wish will be seen by the addict as another example in her life where an opportunity and/or promise was taken/removed because of her life choices.
It will literally be added to the pile of dozens of examples in her mind.
Guilt free pass it on to the child.
Nice post by the way. Your writing style is wholesome
An adult size violin may be too large for her. Many children start with a 3/4 size and then trade up as they grow.
Give it to the kid! Though it might be a bit bulky for them at first… but she’ll grow into it.
As far as the ‘Niece’ is concerned, sometimes the best thing to happen to an addict is to lose everything. This is coming from someone who has been there and comes out the other side better. Does she EVEN remember your husband’s Violin?
I’m sorry for the loss of your husband.
Might want to invest in some noise cancelling headphones for the practice session for the 1st year
Why would you give the violin to someone that will almost certainly sell it for drugs? She doesn’t play the violin and has no real attachment to it, aside from a promise made by your husband 20 years ago to a little girl.
That girl is long gone, consumed by drugs and selfishness. What’s left is a hollow shell who brings nothing but turmoil and danger to you. Your husband made a promise to someone who no longer exists.
Why would you give the instrument away?
Let the child use it. If the niece takes up playing the violin in the future, she can claim it. Or maybe one of her kids starts playing. That way this instrument will have a chance to stay in the family, but will still be used and loved.
I don’t see why this needs to be a permanent arrangement. It is common among higher class violin and cello players to use someone else’s instrument, much as competitive horse rider often don’t own the jumping horse they comprte with. If the top class people can do that, so can this child.
YWBTA, really she should already have the violin, I don’t know why you still have it at all.
Mmmmmh. He already willed it.
“He told my niece before we got married, when she was still in her mid teens, that she could have it after he passed.”
You can’t gift what isn’t yours.
You can lend it. It can be a help if she can handle it.
Children’s violins are not of the same size as adult’s violins, though!!!!
Your entire nice idea may not work therefor.
Never in this entire world would I give away my beloved husband’s instrument to a totally unrelated stranger, though!
Why would you do that? Get the kid her own violin. See, if she sticks to it and if she is gifted.
Not everyone gets straight notes out of a violin.
If after some years she still plays the violin it’s early enough to gift her the instrument.
Yet: have it evaluated first! Some violins are very valuable. Others not so much. My own is over 250 years old and worth about 500 ++ Euros. And it’s only “average” soundwise.
So better be sure what you hold there before taking further decisions.
NTA.
Give it to the little girl who will actually use and appreciate it. Odds are if you gave it to your goddaughter/niece she’d just sell it.
Can you just long term ish lend it? Then if your niece turns her life around and becomes clean you can give it to her, but in the meantime it gets used?
NTA
Maybe consider though, loaning it to the child with just the ask that they someday return it to you. You never know what will happen with your niece.
Just loan it to the child and make sure you have a contract for the child’s parent to sign. I think it’s premature to give it to them. I definitely would not give it to the niece as it would end up at a pawn shop.
38 year old can buy her own violin. It’d be different if she was an established musician and it meant something. Sounds like she’s got bigger problems, but if she asks I’d say, “I am sure my husband meant for you to play this instrument. If you’re not going to do that, he’d rather see it used by someone who needs it.”
How expensive a violin is it? If it’s a really high dollar one it would be better to sell it and buy the child a more moderately priced one, in case she doesn’t stick with it or it gets broken.
Your niece will sell it for drugs regardless of value, so no point in giving it to her.
NTA. If you give the violin to an addict it will just get pawned for more drugs
Even if shes clean at the moment, there’s a good chance her addict friends would steal it and pawn it. I would say, he wanted her to have it, yet at the time, he had no idea it would end up like you said, collecting dust, or worse pawned or stolen. As someone who loved playing the violin himself, I think he would want someone who would appreciate it and would actually play it. I’d make sure the housemate is aware that should she ever quit playing, you would like it back. Perhaps, even let her “borrow” it for now so that she will take care of it and so that if she changes her mind next year and plays something else, it isn’t list in the wind. If she sticks with it, in a few years and truly has an interest in playing the violin longterm, then gift it to her.
By all means give it to your housemates child! If your Goddaughter got her hands on it she might sell it and use the money for drugs!
NTA… I’ll send you my violin too, give it to the kid x
She will pawn it for a PITTANCE. Give the violin to the child and give her a fiver…. That’s all a violin will fetch in a pawn shop.
It would get sold for her next fix if you gave it to her. The little girl deserves the violin.
Please give it to the child and let them enjoy it. Im sorry for your loss OP.
if you give it to your niece, the only place it will gather dust is at the pawn shop where she sells it.
NAH— He meant well, you mean well. The niece is mad at herself right now and will hate you for anything you do anyway.
Get an appraisal. If it’s worth a lot, it’s worth getting the child a cheap one. The child isn’t even a beginner yet so there’s no reason to think she needs a high end instrument. And it would be unfair to the mother for her to have no idea what it’s worth— what if a bully or an accident breaks it?
And it’s ok to write up a contract that the child can borrow the violin as long as she takes care of it and plays it. And then one day if she lives up to this contract tell her she can keep it.
As for the niece, the violin isn’t what she needs— it’s symbolic. Is it possible for you to keep in touch with her children and make sure they are ok and let them know you care? Maybe small birthday presents or something?
Lacking some INFO, was this an offhand comment by your husband or did he deliberately and repeatedly state his violin should go to your niece. In the second case you need to consider if you really want to disregard that. If you’re unsure maybe chat with other people who were close with him.
Additionally I don’t think your housemates kid is a safe bet either. Kids tend to fall in and out of love with hobbies fairly quickly. So maybe consider lending them the violin until it’s clear they will keep playing.
Maybe you could just lend the violin to the child? Then if E gets into a better place, you could possibly fulfill your husband’s wish later on.
Kids start learning things and often lose interest quickly, so giving her the violin might just throw the cat amongst the pigeons for no real benefit. You can revisit the thought of giving it to her if she really gets into it, taking into account the circumstances at that time.
Maybe not give it to her but let her borrow it or use it to start lessons. At age 10, it is possible she will not continue as your late husband did. I also played violin for a couple of years in high school and my son played 1 year.
Depends on the violin. If it’s an expensive one, then the responsibility shouldn’t be put on the child. If it a no name starter violin, then by all means give it to the kid. Sounds like the niece would just sell it for drugs.
It won’t collect dust if you give it to your niece as she’ll take it straight to a pawn shop and sell it for a fraction of it’s worth. I wouldn’t give it to the kid as you might change your mind later on. I’d loan it to the kid with a promise that they take good care of it and return it to you when you ask or when they stop playing.
I’m sorry your niece/goddaughter has made such a mess of her life. I hope she gets clean for her kids’ sake.
P.S. Her custody problems are of her own making, not yours. It sounds like they’re better off without her as long as she’s on drugs.
Your niece is a liar. I’m an addict & I promise you, she’s using again. They know about it at work, and social services noticed and was notified by her employer. They’re not going to consider giving her custody, but it’s 100% HER FAULT & has absolutely nothing to do with you! Don’t feel bad, cut her off & protect your peace. Don’t help her, don’t even speak to her if you don’t want to. Addicts need to be given some tough love. We need to be held accountable & cut off! It’s a much-needed wake-up call. Don’t enable, don’t even tolerate if you don’t want to!
Give the violin to the housemate’s little girl. If you give it to the addict, it won’t sit gathering dust, IT WILL BE SITTING IN A PAWN SHOP BY THE END OF THE DAY, I can guarantee it!!! She will sell it for drugs. She’s using, & has no use for an instrument. And when she’s homeless, she won’t be able to carry it around with her. She will sell it right away, DON’T give it to her!!!!!!! NTA
I would say keep it. The girl’s mother isn’t in good shape and would likely pawn it.
You could give the violin but also ask that if your housemate’s kid stops using the violin that they try to get it back to your family but it’s ultimately better that it get used and appreciated. NTA
I would allow the child to keep it as long as they are using it and to return if they ever stop using it. Then hopefully the niece might be clean and both purposes fulfilled.
NTA but, you could just lend it to the child and decide later based on their love/hate of playing.
NTA on what you do with the instrument. I’m the mom of an addict. I don’t even remember how many times I bought back my son’s Gibson, or my husband’s Rickenbacker. Not mentioning the tens of thousands of dollars of jewelry than were lost to his addiction.
Anything or Anyone would be a better option than an addict. It WILL be sold for a quick fix.
Why not make it a long term loan to the little girl? If she grows out of it or loses interest, she returns it.
Don’t give it to the Goddaughter right now. Maybe in the coming years she’ll sort herself out and you might be proud to give it to her.
NTA…your niece would sell it for drug money.
But a long-term “borrow” situation might be better. Most kids don’t stick with their music lessons.
Giving it to her AFTER she is committed is still an option.
If I were you, I would honor his wishes and give it to the niece, but I might hold on to it for a while and see how she does with sobriety and staying away from the white nose powder you mentioned. If she kept using, stuff like violins can turn up missing.
NTA. Your niece would very likely pawn it immediately, where the child who wants to play would actually use it.
NTA, but if your husband promised the violin to his niece, that should be a no-strings attached gift. That doesn’t mean you have to give it to her now, or ever, if she never cleans up. But a gift is the recipient’s to do with as they want. I’m sure the giver hoped it would be cherished, but once a gift is given, it no longer belongs to the giver.
.It would make more sense to lend the violin rather than give ownership especially until the niece relinquishes ownership. It would be fair to give the value of the violin to the niece in money and she may also prefer that (just ask her if she’d like the violin or money) but the violin really belongs to the niece. It is very thoughtful of you to want to see it used and to allow the child to use something so sentimental but it doesn’t really belong to you.
No, not at all. I know that your niece would pawn that violin for some white powder so fast your head would spin. In fact I think your husband would be very proud of your decision.
No Give it to the little girl who actually needs it. Your niece will only sell it or pawn it yo a pawn shop for easy money. If she is still not clean and sober then the violin won’t help her. The little girl will cherish and take very good care of the instrument. .In your husband s memory is a nice sentimental idea……
NTA. E has cut ties. I don’t think you’re obligated to honor a promise made before things soured. However, I would loan it to the child, with a written agreement that if/when the child ceases lessons, it is to be returned to you.
NTA – Your niece would sell it, I promise you.
Maybe let this kid borrow it and see how it goes. You don’t have to give it to her, but you can let her use it (5 is pretty young…she may not be committed fully to the violin just yet). Unless it’s really valuable, then maybe hang onto it for now. A little kid shouldn’t be responsible for a valuable item like that.
the child will actually USE the violin. your husband would most likely want it to go to someone who would love it as much as he did, and i’m really sorry but imo, i don’t think your niece would want the VIOLIN. drug abusers would want the VALUE of the violin. you give it to her, it’s probably going to turn up on ebay, fb marketplace, or in the nearest pawn shop to fund the next fix.
give it to the kid.
NTA it sounds like you would be honoring his spirit by giving it to this kid and I can promise you having been that kid you have no idea what it could mean for them.
If it’s a child they can’t play a full sized violin anyway. Get the one you have appraised, it might be worth more than you think. I am looking for a small one for my kids and it’s hard to find one that sounds nice but doesn’t break the bank. My violin guys cheapest one is $800. I have one my parents bought me in high school that was $1200. If it’s a full size violins a child will need a half size anyway. You could sell yours and get one that fits.
Give it to the kid…that’s what your husband would do if he were still here. If you give it to her she’ll pawn it and stick it up her nose. Help the kid!
I agree I’d give it to the child as long as it fits her. Adult violins are much bigger than ones for a child.
Can you just loan it to the kid, he might lose interest as kids do.
NTA. You’d be doing much better by your husband by giving it to a child who will use it, than you would by giving it to someone who wouldn’t or who might sell it to get her next high.
If it’s a quality instrument it is quite expensive. If your niece is a drug addict rest assured she will probably sell it for drugs. Might as well give her your jewelry while you’re at it. I would probably loan it to the kid. If they quit they gotta give it back. Nta.
Children frequently go through phases as they try out different interests, so this child may not STAY interested in violin. For that reason I strongly suggest lending them the instrument; if they continue learning and playing, you can turn the loan into a gift. Once given you can’t take it back, so take the time to be sure they’ll use it long-term.
An adult size 🎻 may not be appropriate. Look into whether a half size violin may be a better fit. He can grow into your husbands violin, but it may not be the best choice for now.
I think they come in 1/4. 1/2. & 3/4. Sizes
Wait for her to get her life together and ask if she’s still interested in it
Nta but I think a better option would be to allow the kid to borrow it so that you can save the violin for when your niece finally does get better so that you can honor your husband’s wishes and still assist this family.
Ugh, I hate this because I understand both your desire to honor your husbands love for your niece and his love of music and sharing that passion with others.
I know this is probably NOT a solution, but can you loan it to the housemate’s child? I mean I hate to do that to a kid but I also hate to give up what could be an anchor of compassion for this other struggling individual. Even if it’s not the item, but a symbol of hope for this person and their future.
I’m sorry you’re going through this OP!
ETA: NTA no matter which decision you choose.
Lend it to her with the agreement that you may want it back in the future
NTA, though you could consider lending it to this child instead of gifting it, at least for the time being. The niece will likely sell it if given it now. Does she even play the violin? Has she ever asked about it? There is always the possibility that she could eventually get her life together and get clean, so you could preserve the option to wait and see if you only lent the violin to this kid, but if she doesn’t even play, especially if she never learned, what would be the point in giving it to her ever? However, the niece has kids. Is there any chance that one of them would eventually want to learn to play the violin? If their mom got clean, and one of them ended up playing the instrument, you could still honor your husband’s wish by gifting the violin to them.
NTA
You are gifting it in the spirit of his wish to inspire love of music in children.
Your goddaughter has received plenty of gifts from him in time and interest, none of which she shows appreciation for.
NTA. She will pawn it for drug money. (Ask me about my family & addiction.)
Also, kids will outgrow violins (my daughter just moved up a size) so when kiddo is done he can always pass it back to you if that’s something you request he do.
Loan it to your housemate for her child. If the child takes care of it, and plays it, and appreciates it, tell her it’s hers to keep in five years or ten years.
NTA: But please inform her that the violin was important to you so she must take care of it or to not to sell it.
You don’t have to give it away. You can always lend it out, aka rent it for $0, until your niece sobers up
NTA, but this is how hauntings start.
I would honor your husband’s wish, even if you can’t give it to her right now.
Normally, I am all in on the family heirlooms should stay in the family camp, but you cant be giving heirlooms to someone who is almost certainly gonna pawn it for a fix. Instruments should be passed down to people who have the desire to learn to play and respect the instrument. Said as a board member for our local symphony.
NTA
NTA but you don’t actually have to GIVE the violin to the child, it can be a long term loan until she doesn’t need it anymore or until she can purchase her own. Maybe years down the road. That way, should niece eventually sober up and be in a position to care for/play the violin and not hock it, it can be reclaimed. But even if you outright gift it to the child, you are doing the right thing.
Don’t give it to anyone yet.
In this case. Your husband would never agree to give it to your goddaughter now, knowing her to be a junkie. I think he would agree with you that the other child is the right place for it. In any event, before you give it away, you would be well advised to take it to a music store and have it valued. It may be worth as little as $75 or It might be worth $7500. Having it valued is just good policy on any instrument.
Can you donate it to one of your husband’s old schools or University? It’s prbably a very expensive instrument and most kids (especially ones new to instruments) either don’t appreciate or understand the value of what they are playing.
NTA.
UpdateMe
NTA. She would pawn in pretty much immediately if you gave it to your niece.
I suspect your late husband’s violin is a pricey very nice adult size (4/4) violin. You should have it appraised before you hand it to a child. If it is valuable, you could sell it (or trade it) to buy your housemate’s child a good beginner violin in the proper size (1/2? 3/4?) and pay for lessons.
Not every child with musical ability wants to learn violin. And despite being very careful, kids are accident prone (kids drop violins a lot) and the risk to the violin is substantially greater than it was with your husband. Before consigning the nice violin to demolition, let roomie’s kid work up to it and present it to them when they need a serious adult size to further their studies.
Don’t give it to the niece, she’ll pawn it for drug money.
Why don’t you loan the violin to the child? That way, you’ll hopefully get it back in decent condition. NTA regardless. I would absolutely not give it to your goddaughter. She’ll sell it for drugs.
I’d start with getting it appraised….. if it’s like a 5 figure instrument I wouldn’t give it to a child…. But if it’s like a 300 one then for sure.
There’s a huge spread for how much violins can be worth. From like 50 bucks to 20,000,000 bucks. Find out where your husband’s violin sits on that spectrum before you decide to give it away or not.
She would pawn it. Also you could loan it to that kid.
NTA She’d probably just pawn it anyway if she’s that far gone. Besides, you can’t bribe someone out of addiction.
If your husband did not specifically leave it to someone in his will, do what you wish. Perhaps loan it to the child with the understanding that it be returned if they discontinue practicing (lose interest). Many kids take up an instrument just to put it aside after a few months and the instrument winds up in the closet buried.
NTA. Can you loan the violin as a starter instrument for the child to learn on?
That way IF your niece does get clean later, you still have it. But it’d be irresponsible to give it to her now.
Honor your word. Violins are not unaffordable.
I wouldn’t give it to the kid.
If your husband played this then it would be an adult violin – too big for a child and most definitely not appropriate for a learner.
Maybe look at helping her rent something age appropriate because she won’t learn correctly on an instrument that doesn’t fit her body and she could damage it.
I don’t think the violin would sit gathering dust… It would be sold for cocaine.
Loan the violin to the child. If he/she shows consistency and dedication to learning the instrument, make it a gift. If it’s a phase or the child loses interest, you’ll have the option of getting it back.
I have a very expensive guitar, when I do go I want it to go to a performer not a collector.
Lend it to her. Don’t give it to her.
Give it to the kid. Your niece would just stuff it up her nose. Doubt your husband would be thrilled with that. Better it go to somebody who feels the same joy in playing it as your husband did.
NTA but violins come in different sizes. Make sure it’s her size and if she hates it you want it back, maybe?
What kind of violin is this? Is this the last violin he owned? More likely than not the child cannot use it. Kids begin on a smaller violin than an adult one. The teacher has to measure the student and their arm. Then you’ll know what kind of violin the child needs. I doubt it’s an adult sized violin. Kid violins are cheap. $100 or so. If for some reason the husband’s violin would work, I’d loan it out but not give it. That kid may not even like the violin. Violins are incredibly difficult to learn.
If size appropriate then by all means.
I would suggest you lend it to the child but not give it, because your spouse already gave it the niece. It is in your care until & if such time comes she can handle it, but it is not yours to give away.
NTA. And btw you can lend the violin to the child for a period of years, e.g. 5 or 10.
“Lend” it to the child.
If they quit or harm the violin, you can get it back. If not, they can have it if they continueimg studying music.
If you give the violin to your niece, it will likely be sold in order to buy drugs. I’m pretty sure that that is not what your lae husband would want.
NTA. If she was clean, maybe. But drug addicts don’t care about things that have sentimental value, only the money that they could then use to buy drugs. I would give it to the one who will not only use it but appreciate it. My sister is a drug addict so I am speaking from experience. I’m sorry that you have had to experience this kind of hurt and sadness.