So, this is really bothering me because I hate confrontation and drama but I got home midday today and heard my roommate on the computer with someone speaking in the common room/kitchen of our apartment. I had assumed she was just in a class bc why would she be in the common room for something important talking with no headphones with no heads up?
So, I am kind of weird about my food and usually try to get the perishables in the fridge and freezer when I get back from the shoppes because it’s a long trip. I start unloading and maybe after 3-4 mins of me putting shit away, my roommate turns to me and politely says ‘can you do that another time’. I say back ‘sorry I’m just getting the perishables away I’m almost done’. She turns back to her screen and seems annoyed. I finish not even 10 secs later and head to my room.
After I hear she’s finished on her zoom, I take a deep breath and come out of my room to just clear any tension. I come up to her and give kind of a half-baked apology because in the moment I didn’t really think it was much my fault. I tell her sorry I was making noise I just wanted to get the food away so it didn’t go bad/melt. She is upset and passive aggressive, saying that me making noise threw her off and ended up souring the interview. I didn’t know it was an interview. I guess I could’ve ease dropped, but I was trying to be as quick as possible with unloading things.
I didn’t know what to say to this. So I kind of just stand there, and she walks out.
So my side of the story is that I feel frustrated bc it’s a shared space, there was no heads-up, and I didn’t know when she would’ve been done with this zoom, so I didn’t want to leave my groceries out. She could’ve took several steps to ensure that she wasn’t interrupted like one, going to her own room before (even after I came), finding a private space, even wearing headphones maybe would’ve helped..
We’ve been roommates for 3.5 years and are pretty close, though over the past 2ish years there has been some tension building up on my end bc whatever little issue arise from us living together I tend to keep in and hate confrontation. I don’t know if she feels the same. I know this is my fault for not speaking up, but I always tell myself ‘the devil you don’t know’ with rooming situations.
Even though this happened like an hour ago, reflecting on it I think she could’ve been smarter with where she did the interview and maybe took out some anger on me that was initially stressing her interview. On the flip side, I think I should’ve been more cognizant of the situation and maybe should’ve just left when she politely asked. IDK help.. should i send apology text, let her cool off, wait for her to apologize??
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So, this is really bothering me because I hate confrontation and drama but I got home midday today and heard my roommate on the computer with someone speaking in the common room/kitchen of our apartment. I had assumed she was just in a class bc why would she be in the common room for something important talking with no headphones with no heads up?
So, I am kind of weird about my food and usually try to get the perishables in the fridge and freezer when I get back from the shoppes because it’s a long trip. I start unloading and maybe after 3-4 mins of me putting shit away, my roommate turns to me and politely says ‘can you do that another time’. I say back ‘sorry I’m just getting the perishables away I’m almost done’. She turns back to her screen and seems annoyed. I finish not even 10 secs later and head to my room.
After I hear she’s finished on her zoom, I take a deep breath and come out of my room to just clear any tension. I come up to her and give kind of a half-baked apology because in the moment I didn’t really think it was much my fault. I tell her sorry I was making noise I just wanted to get the food away so it didn’t go bad/melt. She is upset and passive aggressive, saying that me making noise threw her off and ended up souring the interview. I didn’t know it was an interview. I guess I could’ve ease dropped, but I was trying to be as quick as possible with unloading things.
I didn’t know what to say to this. So I kind of just stand there, and she walks out.
So my side of the story is that I feel frustrated bc it’s a shared space, there was no heads-up, and I didn’t know when she would’ve been done with this zoom, so I didn’t want to leave my groceries out. She could’ve took several steps to ensure that she wasn’t interrupted like one, going to her own room before (even after I came), finding a private space, even wearing headphones maybe would’ve helped..
We’ve been roommates for 3.5 years and are pretty close, though over the past 2ish years there has been some tension building up on my end bc whatever little issue arise from us living together I tend to keep in and hate confrontation. I don’t know if she feels the same. I know this is my fault for not speaking up, but I always tell myself ‘the devil you don’t know’ with rooming situations.
Even though this happened like an hour ago, reflecting on it I think she could’ve been smarter with where she did the interview and maybe took out some anger on me that was initially stressing her interview. On the flip side, I think I should’ve been more cognizant of the situation and maybe should’ve just left when she politely asked. IDK help.. should i send apology text, let her cool off, wait for her to apologize??
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> 1. i unloading groceries (perishables) in the kitchen while my roomate was on an interview call in the shared space
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta at all, she took that risk doing the interview in a shared space instead of somewhere private like her room
NTA. She should have done the interview in a private space or informed you beforehand and given you a timeframe to be quiet and not in the kitchen
NTA – she could’ve have notified you in advance if she required the common area, but it sounds like she could have easily used her own room. And fwiw – who DOESN’T put perishables and especially frozen food away asap?
You weren’t wrong for putting away groceries in a shared space, especially with no heads-up that she had an interview.
She should’ve chosen a private spot if it was that important. You already apologized I’d just give her some space and let things cool down. No need for another text unless the tension lingers.
NTA. She should’ve given you a heads up that she’d be on a n interview in the common area. Her failure to do so absolves you of responsibility. With that said, you could definitely empathize with her because I’m sure it sucked for her.
ESH, because your relationship has been souring for two years and the two of you have not had a conversation.
You are adults. You need to clear the air with old issues and set up a regular check-in to discuss any new issues. Talk it out. Apologize for interrupting her interview, but also let her know that you wouldn’t have if you had KNOWN it was an interview. Suggest a shared calendar or some other system to let each other know when important things are happening that will impact the other roommate. Talk about what common areas should and should not be used for, and if someone needs quiet in the common area (such as for an interview) SCHEDULE it.
Obviously, you’re not the AH for this particular incident, but everyone sucks for letting it get to this point. You two are a few slammed cabinet doors away from one of you moving in the middle of the night and both posting terrible stories on reddit about your awful roommmate, when a few conversations between adults could have fixed it.
NTA. You’re not a mind reader. If she was going to have an interview in the common space, she should have let everybody know that first. Otherwise, how are you supposed to know?
NTA. You are completely right, “…it’s a shared space, there was no heads-up, and I didn’t know when she would’ve been done with this zoom, so I didn’t want to leave my groceries out.”
You didn’t need to apologize to her.
I guess my timing was off who knew that unloading groceries could be as disruptive as a rock concert? Next time, I’ll just take my frozen peas to the living room and have them join the meeting!
NAH. You know what turns this into AH? You taking this mild thing and deciding to make some point about her being smarter.
She had a bad interview so she’s smarting over that, don’t go inserting yourself as the main character or the sage with a moral she can learn. You should swiftly move on with your life cause this is over with.
You’re not a mind reader, you couldn’t have known about the interview. If for some reason she could only do the interview in a common area, she could have at least put a note on the front door. “I have an important call. Please be quiet until XX:XX. P.S.: I owe you a pizza)))”
Edit: NTA
Do you usually come home in the middle of the day? Is it possible she was also not expecting you?
NTA you can’t expect privacy in common areas without some kind of prior agreement or communication. She could easily have gotten up and left, although I understand why she’d feel anxious about doing so mid-interview.
NTA. If your roommate planned to set up for an interview in a common area they should have given you a heads up that it was happening and ASK if it’s ok for quiet time during that session. This is not on you. Your roommate owes you an apology for their reaction.
NTA
Are you supposed to just wait there with melting ice cream, with no knowledge of who she’s talking to or for how long?
Your roommate is in the wrong here. She doesn’t get to commandeer joint areas without prior agreement. And making it impossible to put away groceries or make any noise in the kitchen makes her a definite A H.
None of this was your fault. If the interview soured, that was on her. Do not apologise again. Tell her you expect one for her lack of consideration in a common area and taking her anger out on you.
As a sidebar issue, your unwillingness to face confrontation is why she feels entitled to walk all over you. You may wish to consider how you can address this with yourself.
NTA
NTA – it’s not weird to want to put your perishables away. you had no way of knowing she had an interview since she didn’t tell you – if someone wants exclusive use of common areas that’s something that needs to be discussed with a roommate ahead of time. She should have done the interview elsewhere or made arrangements with you.
Nta. You literally couldn’t have known what she was doing because she said absolutely Nothing to you about it. That’s roommate 101! And in a common shared space?! She has her own room and could have done it in there like a big girl!!!
NTA
Why was she in the common area conducting something that needed to be done in solitude?
If it needed to be done in solitude, an interview is generally scheduled for a specific time and it would be easy to leave a note or text you or – gasp – speak to you in person to explain the situation and ask that you not be in the common area between 1 and 2 PM because of her need.
NTA putting way perishables as soon as you’re home is normal.
She was in a shared space. If she needed privacy for an interview, she could have gone to her room, or at the very least told you “hey I’m doing an interview in the living room from 10-11 tomorrow, can you avoid it?”
NTA. It was a mistake. Right now just pleasantly tell her, “I don’t want to interrupt your interviews again. Can you text me for the next one so I can come in quietly? If I text back that I will have groceries, can you have the interview in your room? We don’t want this to happen again.”
If it was that important she shouldn’t have been in a common area.
Your roommate is overreacting. Honestly most employers wouldn’t even care that much. I think if there was a child crying in the background that might make things awkward or if you walked out in your underwear or came on the camera smoking or whatever. Most employers understand things happen in the home and we’re human beings lol. Your roommate could have just been like “oh sorry about that my roommate was just doing something in our kitchen. Anyways…” it really isnt that big of a deal.
Mm, I’m going to go with YTA. Sorry, but I would have waited for her to finish.
If she wasn’t using headphones, it would be obvious that she was in an interview. Even her side of the conversation would make it obvious that she was in an interview.
You said this was midday on a Wednesday, I might have assumed that you were going to be out and not expected you home.
In any case, even if it was a meeting and not important, I would have waited for it to be over and then asked her not to do it again.
It’s a shared space, not your space, just like it wasn’t her space.
NTA. If it was something important, she could have arranged to not be interrupted either by discussing the use of a common area beforehand, or conducting the interview in a private space with a do not disturb on the door. She did neither. That’s on her.
NTA – Besides not telling you ahead of time, she could have demonstrated to the interviewer how she was able to handle a situation without getting upset. Instead, she snapped at you and got frustrated. If you can’t even communicate with your own roommate, what kind of unhinged personality traits are you going to exhibit around coworkers or customers?
She asked you to stop. You didn’t. You don’t hate confrontation. You just ignore it.
SHE soured the interview by not being properly prepared for it
NTA
>I am kind of weird about my food and usually try to get the perishables in the fridge and freezer when I get back from the shoppes
That’s not weird at all, it’s normal food safety and you should absolutely keep doing it that way. People who leave perishables lying about get food poisoning.
If she wanted quiet in the common room for an interview, she could have let you know the time and asked you to be accommodating. You are NTA for doing normal activities in a shared common space.
If you’ve had a good rapport for years, I’d just wait for her to cool off an apologize. She’s probably miffed that she blew the interview and is taking it out on you.
NTA. Of course perishables need to be put away quickly. You’re not a mind-reader, and it doesn’t sound like you were making a racket.
p.s. It’s eavesdropped.
NTA she should have done this in her room or if connection is bad or something (totally fair, that happens) and she had to be in a shared space, she should absolutely have given you notice.
NTA but at the same time seems like you’re overstating the assholeness of the interaction. Like all you had to say after her response was like “Oh man, that totally sucks. Next time give me a heads up, I get that interviews are super important” or something like that and carry on. There’s a middle ground between groveling for her forgiveness for daring to unload groceries, and ignoring her issue because it’s not your problem. It’s called being a friend and acknowledging her issue and working towards a solution.
I’m going to play devil’s advocate here and explain why she didn’t do it in her room. A living room is a far more professional space for an interview than a bedroom and I say this as someone in charge of hiring for my team. Second, if she didn’t expect you then why would she plan to be somewhere else for the interview? If she knew you were going to be home that would be different. Not to say you did anything wrong but just to say that neither did she and I can understand her annoyance/frustration that her interview was interrupted.
NTA, she 100% should have given you a heads-up. I am currently job-searching, and if I had a roommate and had a Zoom interview scheduled, I would immediately let my roommate know and also leave a Post-it (or seven) outside the kitchen as a reminder to please steer clear. And I would do all this ONLY if there was a reason I absolutely had to do this interview in a common space and not in my own room behind a closed door, i.e., the wi-fi is spotty in the bedrooms. If it’s just a case of, she didn’t feel like cleaning up her bedroom in order to have a proper interview backdrop there, that’s really her bad.
NTA— while there might be good reasons why she didn’t do this in her bedroom, she should have told you ahead of time. You cannot expect someone to not use common space if they don’t know in advance. What I would do with her, to clear the air, is try again with a “apology” but with one that does not apologize for what you didn’t do… Only for what you did do. You could say “I am so sorry, I’m sure that was awkward for you. Let’s sit down and talk about how to plan ahead for this. Do you have another interview? When I know you need the kitchen for an hour, I am happy to do that. But you need to tell me ahead of time”. Put the ball back in her court. And let her know that with communication, you guys can work these things out.
NTA – Shared space is not quiet space. Even more so if it’s a common living room/kitchen combo.
The best they can ask is for you to keep the noise down if whatever they are doing can’t be moved to a private room.
But honestly, if someone is doing an interview that needs quiet, focus, and full attention, they should be somewhere private. Their bedroom, a library conference room, or maybe a study area at school. Don’t go somewhere and have a private or professional meeting somewhere people can interrupt. Like, that’s a rule we learned immediately during the COVID crisis when everyone was doing Zoom meetings.
The number of newscasters that got interrupted by kids, pets, or even spouses who just barged into the private office alone was amusing enough, but every now and then they got embarrassed by other people walking in behind them when they were doing their meeting on a couch. That shit was all over the internet and we mocked them.
Your roommate made the mistake.
“So, I am kind of weird about my food and usually try to get the perishables in the fridge and freezer when I get back from the shoppes”
This isn’t weird, this is how you don’t get food poisoning from spoiled food. It’s 100% not something to apologize for. Your roommate should have given you a head’s up if she wanted you out of the common room or something.
She’s able to expect unreasonable things from you because she knows you hate confrontation so much you’ll just cave.
NTA
NTA. Since when is it weird to immediately put perishable groceries away? Isn’t that what we all do, lol? If your roommate needed a common area for her exclusive use, then she should have planned it with you in advance. I would even say that for the kitchen especially, in a shared space, no one should be able to demand silence and exclusive use even if they try to plan it. Unless it’s at night and there’s a noise issue or something. The kitchen is open to other shared rooms in the house and everyone who lives there should be able to access it any time during the day. If she needed privacy and quiet for her zoom meeting, she should have done it in her bedroom and closed the door. Even after OP came in, she could’ve just picked up her laptop or phone and carried it back to her room.
NTA – a text takes like 10 seconds, at the barest of minimums. Or she could have taken it elsewhere, as she was in a shared space.
NTA
>’can you do that another time’
“No. It’s cold/frozen food that has been in the car for the last hour and needs to be put away immediately. How about you just do that in your bedroom where you’ll get all the privacy you want and not in the common area we both use?”
INFO: Did you just put away the perishables and leave what you could (ie: dry/shelf storage, cleaning products and the like)?
If so, NTA.
NTA. Bad planning on her part. And perishables need to go in the fridge.
NTA. Let her cool off. She may not apologize for going off on you, but you don’t owe her an apology for living in your own home and being in your own kitchen if there was no prior understanding that she required peace and privacy in that location at that time.