I 51 F married to 52M for 9 years, together for 12. I just do not know how to get over how my husband treated me after surgery. A year ago I had a prolapsed uterus (for those that do not know what that is my uterus was falling out of my body) so I had to have a total hysterectomy, bladder sling installed, and vaginal wall reconstruction. I worked and lived (somewhat) for about 6 months with this while waiting for surgery. (which is the only way to fix it) While I was waiting for my surgery date my husband’s brother (66 M) was diagnosed with cancer which he was going to have surgery for. He asked my husband if he could come stay with us at our house as his wife (60 F) would/could not take care of him. (another story as she is crazy AF) I agreed because that is what family does. For weeks leading up to my surgery my husband kept making little comments to people about having his hands full as he had to take care of his brother and his wife after surgery. (his brother was having his surgery about 5 days after me)
After my surgery I had a reaction to the aesthesia where I was sick and throwing up luckily that passed by the next day and I was set to go home. I called my husband about 7:30 am to find out when he was going to be at the hospital as I was to be released sometime after noon. He was my best friend and I just really wanted him there so I had someone to talk to and spend time with me (I guess I was being needy because I was in pain and alone at the hospital-all of my family are living states away except my youngest son 19 at the time). He told me he was cleaning the house by disinfecting the floors, and bathroom (my house is not spotless but is clean) because his brother and me are having surgery and it would be best if the house was disinfected. This upset me as I was laying in the hospital just wishing he was by my side giving me support and felt he was putting his brother before me. I just let it go as I was too tired to argue. He showed up at the hospital at noon just as they were discharging me. By this time I was fed up, did not want to fight, and just wanted to go home to my own bed. The next couple of days I spent most of my time sleeping or reclining in our bed watching TV getting up for the bathroom, water, or just going to the kitchen for an apple or just a change of location and stretching my legs. I could not sit on our couch as it hurt way too much. Fast forward and my brother in law had his surgery and came and stayed with us and my husband informs me that a few of my BIL’s friends were going to be coming by to visit him and see how he was doing. So here is where I may have been the ahole, I said no I really do not want a bunch of people in my house that I do not know as I was recovering from surgery myself and was not in the mood to have people that I do not know or have only met maybe once or twice. To be honest I am not sure if I was bitchy about saying it or if I said it nicely (in my head I was exploding with anger but have never been one for standing up for myself) He got upset and said well I thought they were your friends too (I seriously had only met the “visitors” once or twice) and walked out of the room. Something inside me just broke and I felt so disrespected, hurt, and at a loss. I have tried to see this from my husband point of view but it is just hard to understand why he would put his brother’s needs and wants above me his wife. It is not like he gets along with this brother very well as he says he only calls him when he wants something from him. I do love my husband but I do not think I will ever fully trust him again. How do I get over this? I have tried talking to him about my feelings on what happened and he just defends himself and we will argue, I was not attacking him I just wanted to express my feelings and work this out so I can “get over it” and hopefully we can have a better stronger marriage. I just don’t know if I will ever fully rely and trust him again as I catch myself being resentful (which I am sure some of my anger is due to menopausal rage) towards my husband and at time have thought about ending the marriage over this. Am I over reacting and being a bitch?
Aitah for not being able to let go of how my husband treated me after surgery
r/AITAH
Comments
NTA. You went through major surgery and your husband prioritized cleaning for his brother and hosting visitors instead of supporting you. Wanting peace in your own home while recovering isn’t selfish. He failed you when you needed him most, and your resentment is valid. You’re not overreacting trust won’t rebuild unless he acknowledges that.
NTA it kind of seems like he doesn’t see you as family.
NTA Who TF inflicts visitors on someone who just had major surgery?
NTA he should have known that you would need his support in such a situation, is this really the first preccdent of him putting his family before you or just the first time you noticed?
You did write that you Agreed to your BIL going to stay with you , as “that is what Family does” . So-you mostly have Yourself to Blame. If that is what Family does for one another, then why didn’t you just leave him with his Own wife? You don;t have to Make Up for someone else’s bad choices throughout their Own Life. So-You learned a Lesson-perhaps? But the BIL and His wife didn;t have to learn anything from it . ONE person-the Wife is lacking , so Everyone has to move over and accommodate -who? Really HER.
That aside. Have you ever cared for someone out of surgery, yourself, before? The patients are released from the Hospital so quickly now, many with just One Day -IN/Out surgery. Without much help over caring for the Patient, the Caretaker is also , like your husband, busy preparing the Home for your return. That includes shopping for groceries , any drugs required , and anything not sufficent enough, maybe needing new sheets, towels, wipes, plus things like heating pads, bed trays, maybe bed pans, or toilet stands, plus many other necessities. A Caretaker can assume , at best, you may be put out, then spending time in recuperation ,then brought to your room , where DRs. almost sound like a threat suggesting you may be released the Next day. Then the Caretaker not only finishes up over domestic chores, but also falls into “Nursing Mode”, something I swear every Caretaker must declare to themself-” I don;t ever recall signing up for This”! Once back Home again -the Caretaker is FULLY responsible for Your welfare , which can feel like a burden, and working harder to keep you from slipping one ioata. They get up in the middle of the night-check to see if your at rest , and if you don;;t have a fever .They see that you take what medications are prescribed , even at 3.a.m.. Then ,making sure you can go to the bathroom . Then get you back into bed. They then go back to bed themself, staying aware about getting up by 6a.m. again , because, it starts All Over again. Some don;t heal that quickly , and the Caring can last for at least an entire month., sometimes longer. Consider yourself fortunate that you could still get up and walk around, yourself.
At least your husband knew to prepare for the return Home again. It seems that had you both insisted that the BIL NOT come to your Home then your husband may have spent more Time and Effort over Your care ..You never made Yourself a Priority from the Get Go , so why be so surprised Now if things seemed to lean towards your BIL’s care , more than Yours? (Maybe he was recuperating more easily?)
Remember -half the time , even post surgery -you were kind of Out of It. So-don;t be surprised someday , when your husband dumps HIS side of things in your lap about how frustrating it was being ONE person expected to play several roles over your care , (and the BIL’s), while You just now want to complain about the “service wasn’t good enough”, Next time , you don;t have to rely on your partner to care for you. There are Care Centers that provide temporary care that are actually fairly nice , if you can afford that , instead.
NTA. I think it may be time for your BIL to return home….and he can take your shitty husband with him. You deserve peace in your home.
NTA I wouldn’t be able to come back from that. He has shown you how much he respects you. The fact he knows how you feel, you told him and yet he doubles down. THAT is what makes HIM the AH.
Well OP now you know he really doesn’t respect you. His actions speak louder than any words. Now, WTF are you going to do about it? 🤔
Because your husband won’t talk about it, consider getting a therapist. You need someone to talk to and to decide things with and at this point a therapist would be a better choice.
Info – did you use your words and actually tell your husband you needed him, or really just ask him when he was coming? Because it doesn’t sound like you were clear with him.
It also sounds like he thought he was getting the house disinfected for both you and his brother, not just his brother. Whether or not he needed to do that is a separate issue.
I think it’s fair to say you weren’t up for guests so soon after your surgery, but if you were nastier because of the other two preceding issues I am not sure that’s fair.
We can expect our spouses to be considerate of us, but not mind readers.
His brother should have gone to a rehab.
I don’t know what you should do. Before you do anything just recover and heal.
NTA. In sickness and in health. Did he vow that to you or his brother? Op, I’d reconsider this marriage. He’s shown you who he is and how he’s going to prioritize you as you both age and need to lean on each other. When he needs to be cared for when he’s sick or injured, he should call his brother, wife, and all those wonderful visitors.
NTAH. you were very nice in allowing your BIL to recover at your house. But it’s time for him to go home and his wife to step up.
Your recovery is going to take a while because your surgery was so extensive. Something to look into- see if you can locate someone who might be willing to sit with you to give your husband a bit of a break. Sometimes, the churches have volunteers who would be willing to visit for a couple of hours each week or maybe help with meal preparation. What about friends who could help?
Now the million dollar question, what are you going to do about your husband’s lack of respect? Something to think about…
Feel better soon and take care of yourseif.
Yeah, I’d be done. Heal and plan your best life.
I’m definitely not going to call you an AH, but wasn’t your hubby cleaning and disinfecting the house for both you and his brother? He may not have understood your emotional needs that day right after surgery. I’m just saying that part may have been just a misunderstanding. He may have thought he was doing good by disinfecting the house for you two, and not prioritizing his brother over you at all.
I can totally agree with you about not wanting near strangers in your house when recovering from surgery, so that should be understood by your husband and brother. Are you communicating all this clearly without resentment and anger? This likely could be a big misunderstanding and not something I would end a marriage over unless hubby has a habit of doing these things or there are other problems in the marriage.
ESH You agreed to his brother being there, you agreed to this situation. He was getting the house ready before you came home when you were wanting him at the hospital. His brother is allowed to have people over post his cancer surgery, you should have asked to be helped to the bedroom and shut the door while they were visiting.
I’m sorry. I know that was an emotional and painful experience to have a hysterectomy after having a prolapsed uterus. And then also feeling needy and wanting your husband to be at your side. Unfortunately, the brother-in-law also needed help and it was nice of you too to allow him to come to your house for recovery.
I feel your husband was actually trying to be as considerate as possible by disinfecting the house to make sure neither one of you got post surgery infections. And as somebody else said, he was probably also trying to make sure there was enough food, pick up the prescriptions, and arrange everything for both of you. It’s really a lot for him to take on. Yeah it wasn’t very good timing to have your brother-in-law and yourself coming out of surgery five days apart. That’s a lot for everyone.
I know for myself going through menopause that I was absolutely erratic at times because the hormones, but I didn’t realize it in the moment. Couple that with having a major surgery, including losing a lot of of your hormones because of it. That can really do a number on a person. And The anesthesia has its effect as well. Plus, you were an awful lot of pain. It’s really easy to feel all the emotions that you went through. And I’m sorry because I’m sure that was a hard experience to deal with. But I don’t think your husband was trying to be unfeeling and not be there for you. I hope that you can realize that he wasn’t really putting his brother-in-law in front of you but just trying to do the best he could as a caregiver that’s not used to being in that role.
As for the BIL friends stopping by to visit.. I probably would have just set some boundaries and time limits on them. Explaining that you were both just recovering from surgery and tired and needed a quiet home to rest. I’m sure they would understand. But I totally understand that you’re going through a lot and felt it was more than you can deal with at the time.
My best wishes on your recovery. Also, I should mention that they found the studies were unfounded saying that bioidentical hormone replacement therapy caused side effects and cancer. I think you would feel so much better if you started taking these replacement hormones. It would really help your mood in your sleep.
Again, best wishes to you moving forward
I am sorry your husband isn’t taking care of you like he should. It sounds like you have tried to make your feelings known.
If you can get through to him, try to let him know that you really just needed him to be there. Is it possible he is/ was nervous for you and is showing it in a really frustrating way?
NTA
YTA you sound self centered. You admit your husband was cleaning the house for both you and his brother so why try to spin it as if it’s only for his brother. Cleaning seems like a sensible thing with both of you coming out of surgery as both of you are more vulnerable to catch something. It may not have been the best time to clean but it did need to be done.
His brother has cancer and probably has a long battle ahead. His friends should be coming to see him and support him. Those friends are not there to see you or socialize with you. If you’re recovering in a different room I really don’t see what the problem is. Your husband is doing the best he can to take care of everybody, cut him a little slack.
It’s just really tough having two post-op people recuperating in the same home w different needs. As far as him picking you up from the hospital, I don’t think that’s a big deal bc he got there and picked you up on time.
As far as inviting other people there that was poor planning. because he should’ve talked to you first.
I wonder if you should talk to your surgeon and just see if your hormones are out of whack after having the hysterectomy because you sound very emotional about this, and the tone of your writing doesn’t quite seem to match the words you have written. I am a 70 something year-old woman who has gone through menopause so I understand all the hormone changes to an extent but I haven’t had a hysterectomy so I don’t know how that affects your hormone levels and everything else afterwards. I respect the fact that you have been through an awful lot over the six months in anticipation and then the actual surgery and the painful recovery it’s been a lot. A real lot. You really needed your husband by your side and I think he probably just didn’t understand how fragile you were feeling during that time. And admittedly, he was distracted by his brother.
It just seems like a perfect storm of timing and physical problems and emotions and not understanding everything altogether in one big mess. I hope things settle down for you in time and it starts to feel better and start to heal emotionally and physically, but talk to your surgeon and see what they say about some of these things. Maybe it will help.
Yikes.
Ok, so first, he wasn’t just cleaning for his brother. He was cleaning for BOTH of you. You needed a very clean environment for your best recovery too
Being alone in a hospital overnight sucks, I’ve been there, but he was cleaning for you as well
Second, yeah of course you don’t want a bunch of people over while you recover. He asked your permission, you voiced your need for solitude, and (since you didn’t write that they came over anyway) it seems like your husband respected your wishes.
Third, I think you may want to talk to your doctor about this. You had invasive surgery, your body remembers even if you don’t. Your body is forever changed, your hormones are forever changed. This is a crazy amount of stress on anyone, plus the bad reaction to the anesthesia on top of everything. Something could off
Fourth, you said you lost trust with your husband over this.
That just doesn’t really seem reasonable. There is something deeper here, you absolutely resent that his brother is there. Maybe you felt pressured to yes, but you did not want him there.
You want to look into finding an unbiased person to help meditate
Edit: no one’s TAH
NTA at all.
Firstly, I wish you a full and quick recovery and hope you are doing much better.
Secondly… your BIL has a wife. It’s her job, “crazy” or not to step up for her husband during sickness. Your BIL needs to use his words and get his own wife to step up, or have the balls to divorce her for being a terrible partner. Inflicting his care needs on you and your husband so soon after your own surgery is a selfish move. I’m sorry to hear he has cancer but the most he should be asking from your husband is for him to speak to his wife, to step up.
Also to add… any visitor being allowed into your home should require the consent of both of you. Whenever I have anyone visit my home, I check with my husband first to make sure he’s OK with outsiders in his living space. You are recovering from major surgery, and also cannot afford any type of infection (which outsiders can bring into the home). If your BIL wants visitors, he is welcome to return to his own home and host visitors there). You’ve already been kind enough to share a recovery space with your BIL so anything else is a bonus.
Please call your SIL to take home her husband. And ask her to kindly redirect your BIL’s friends to their home instead.
He was cleaning for both of you, according to what you said. How’s that only for his brother?
Did the friends actually end up coming over or are you holding a grudge for him just asking?
I’m leaning yta on this one and I wish I wasn’t.