This is kinda a long one so buckle in.
My husband (40 M) and me (40 F) have been having issues with his sister ever since our wedding (4 years ago).
I was planning the whole wedding by myself while my husband was deployed for 6 months. I cannot highlight how fucking stressed out I was during that period of my life. I was worried about him and my family was states away so they couldn’t really help. It was all on me and it fucking sucked.
Then, 2 months prior to the wedding, his sister decides she NEEDS to be in the bridal party. My bridal party. Who have already bought their dresses and thrown a bachelorette party for me. I said, sorry no because A- plans have been made and it’s a bit too short notice and B- we aren’t that close. Not that I had anything against her at the time but I didn’t even think about her when asking my bridesmaids to be in the wedding as it was going to be a small affair.
She threw a hissy fit and caused so much extra stress for me and my husband, who again, WAS DEPLOYED at the time. She basically forced her way into being in the wedding and I had to replan. My mom even paid for her hair and make up like all the other girls and she didn’t have to do that. To this day she complains about feeling unwelcome at the wedding. When of course I vented to my bridesmaids about the whole thing. What else did she expect to happen?? She got her way and caused a shit-ton of needless drama between me and my husband. Who, again was deployed at the time. He didn’t come home until 3 days before the wedding! It was all so very stressful and she has never apologized. I still get angry thinking back on my wedding day. She made our day all about her.
ANYWAY- fast forward to present day. My husband has expressed that he wishes to have a closer relationship with his sister as she’s his only sibling. I support him in that because I get it and it’s been long enough since the wedding that I’m willing to let bygons be bygons for his sake. We had Christmas 2024 with his side of the family. We exchanged gifts and stayed with her and her husband. Watched the fireworks on New Year’s Eve. It was overall a really pleasant visit. We even discussed possible future Christmas presents for them when he dropped me off at the airport to go home. It really felt like we turned a corner with them and all was well.
Boy was I wrong. The same day he dropped me off at the airport, he had dinner with his sister and BIL. He wanted to discuss a way for them to be closer as he’d been sensing they’ve been distant. Well, she ended up calling me a bitch and that we were horrible house guests. Then threw beer in my husband’s face when he defended me.
When I heard that happened I was extremely hurt and really confused. Even moreso for my husband because he just wanted to have a better relationship with his sister. They acted like everything was fine before I left for the airport. We hung out talking and catching up until the wee hours of the morning the night before. Then when we woke up I made extra sure to deflate the mattress we slept on and folded the sheets we used. I also wiped down the bathroom and helped in the kitchen. How is that being a bad houseguest?
Then, when she talked to my MIL about what happened she completely denied calling me names or anything like that. If that were true, how did my husband end up covered in beer? It’s like she doesn’t live in our reality. She even had my husband second guessing how things went down. It’s all very bizarre.
Anyway, after all of that went down my husband completely blocked her on everything and I followed his lead by doing the same. The only remedy was an apology from her to the both of us. Of course that hasn’t happened and I doubt it ever will.
After months of his Mom whittling him down to “be the bigger person”, he caved and unblocked her. They’ve been talking sporatically and now (surprise surprise) they’re taking a week long vacation in our State. I want absolutely nothing to do with her until I have an apology. I get extremely anxious even thinking about being in the same room with her because she’s just gonna talk shit behind my back. How can you act like we’re sisters and then call me a bitch and a bad guest as soon as I leave? Then deny ever saying those things when confronted about it?
My husband wants me to spend “just 30 minutes” with them for dinner but I can’t. Not until i at least get an apology. He may be okay with never getting a sincere apology but I am not. It can even be over text! Something to acknowledge that she fucked up because I am really hurt by it. Spending even 30 minutes acting like everything is all honkey dorey sounds like torture. Frankly, even with an apology I’ll never feel comfortable around her again.
So, reddit, AITA for not wanting to spend any time with my SIL until she apologizes to me?
Comments
If your husband is considering meeting them at at restaurant, and NOT allowing them to come back to the house, I suppose he could try and see if he gets more beer in his face, but I wouldn’t accompany him or let SIL and BIL in the house.
I think that he should tell them that they are not going to discuss you or anything about you, or he will leave.
NTAH. Spending “just 30 mins” with her would be taken as tacit acknowledgement that her behavior was acceptable. She’ll do it again. And she’s faced no consequences. Why wouldn’t she treat you like $hit again when her family enables her. An apology is the bare minimum required here. Do not cave OP like you caved for the wedding.
Do you have any out of state family you need to visit?
NTA
“I get extremely anxious even thinking about being in the same room with her because she’s just gonna talk shit behind my back.” How is she going to talk behind your back if you’re in the same room.
It sounds like the issue is migrating from you vs. SIL to you vs husband?
Unless it gets to the point where that migration is out of hand, NTA for not spending time with her.
(The two of you apart sounds like a win-win.)
I think you need to take about a three to five year break. That will give you and her more perspective.
If he insists, then ask for an apology the minute you see her. Blow this up sooner than later. If she has no respect for you then she has no respect for your children. Make those 30 minutes memorable.
If you don’t give in, you will forever be the asshole in the eyes of your in-laws.
I feel Ike if your husband is ok with her throwing beer at him, you could side with him. I’m willing to give him a ton of grace because he’s in the military and PTSD.
Go for dinner. Expect it to suck. When it does, say something like “can I stop talking to her now?”
The apology will make no difference. You know who she is. She’s shwon you both how little she thinks of you.
Your husband is just inviting her into your lives, opening you both up to disrespect.
NTA. it sounds like your hubby is NTA too. Unfortunately he allowed his mom to “whittle him down to being the bigger person.” That’s too bad. It sets a bad precedent. During those months that mom was spending all that energy on him, did anyone ever ask mom why she wasn’t spending that energy on whistling sister down to be the bigger person? To apologize? If mom spent no time even trying, I am afraid sister and mom are two of a kind. Or else mom is just used to encouraging everyone to cave to sister’s whimsical to as to “keep the peace.” It’s time for the whole family to learn a new way of peace, namely, that everyone uses truth and respect when dealing with one another, and if one doesnt do that, everyone calls that person out and doesnt talk to them until they apologize. No matter how long it takes, and no matter how.much it bugs mom. If mom complains, she must be held to same standard and made to understand that she must use her considerable influence to nag and whittle the guilty party into taking accountability and apologizing.
NTA
You do the 30minute dinner, blow the lid off it, so your husband never suggests an idiotic thing again!
info: is there any reason it did not occur to you at any stage to include your husband’s only sibling as part of your wedding day? idk, this is confusing to me because it seems like your husband has been quite vocal over the years about trying to maintain a close relationship with her & yet you didn’t take that on board to initially ask her? him being deployed doesn’t have anything to do with that part of the story at all.
her entire behaviour afterwards has absolutely been unacceptable & you’re NTA at all for no longer wanting anything to do with her. she sounds very unstable & keeping your distance is definitely the better option. it’s also entirely possible that she would have found other ways to create drama & cause a fuss even if you had included her from the start, but i think her nastiness towards you either stems from that, or is amplified by it.
Please go to the restaurant and have dinner with them….BUT, have your bestie and partner reserve the table next to yours and totally record the whole interaction!
Y’all need to get into MC, ASAP! A good therapist will help navigate the issues HIS family is causing in your marriage! Hopefully it will help him to wake up to his mom’s and sister’s crazy manipulation! I’d tell him that he can do what he wants but he needs to respect your decision not to see her after all the crap she’s put you through. I think without therapy, this might be the beginning of the end of y’all’s marriage. I’d also tell him that if he isn’t willing to stand with you on just getting the most basic respect from his family, there’s no real hope for y’all.
Sorry but not a very effective soldier if you can be bullied that easily. Your husband should have your back 100% and grow some balls
Don’t go. Be so done with this. She threw a beer in your husband’s face She has zero class and is a whack job.
He can visit with her all he wants. You expect him to walk away if anyone shit talks you. Your name shouldn’t be brought up.
She is toxic and drama. She haters to her soul. It isn’t you. It’s all her. Don’t put yourself near her.
NTA
This is a hill to die on
It sounds like your SIL is psychologically unwell. Borderline personality disorder maybe? These disorders make people very socially and emotionally dysfunctional, and it’s very rare for them to seek treatment, because they never see that they have any problem, it’s always somebody else who is the cause of every issue. BPD makes people very manipulative, and they can project a surface charm which wins people over, so they’re very good at making friends. They rarely keep friends for long, as people get sick of being manipulated, used and abused. That feeling of confusion is very common for anyone who is trying to maintain a friendship or relationship with such a person. BPD sufferers have a very fragile sense of self, and need constant attention and validation. One way they seek this is by going around creating drama.
It’s good your husband is defending you; it sounds like his mother is quite clueless about her daughter’s behaviour.
Somebody in my family had BPD, and she was like a psychological black hole, up until the day she died. If I were OP, I would state I’m not having anything to do with SIL until she gets therapy.
Stick to your guns. Why not email your MIL and ask her what she would do, realistically, if someone treated her and her husband like that. Would she be the bigger person when the man she was waiting to marry was actively deployed with the military and cause chaos for the hell of it, would she overlook the narcissistic behavior, would she be ok with this person assaulting her husband? Ir is it different because it’s her daughter? You can show up to dinner, have a drink and say, “I’m ready to listen to you apologize for XYZ.” If she freaks out, leave. You don’t need to be shy. You don’t need to be meek. Step up for your husband. “I’m here for your apology to me, but mostly for your apology to my husband. What in your head makes you think it’s acceptable to throw a beer on anyone? The restaurant staff has already been instructed to call the police if you act out. I will get copies of the security footage and use it to show the world who you are.”