Alright so I (34F) have three kids (13F, 3F, 2F). I am a SAHM and I love taking care of my kids and being with them everyday. However, I get super envious of my husband (34M) because he does get to leave this house (he works from 4-12:30) and when he comes home, he gets to go sit in his man cave and play COD.
For years, he’s been encouraging me to find something to do for myself that is outside of the house. My birthday was last weekend and I decided I wanted to get a gym membership. After 3 kids, my body is not the same as it used to be and this would be a healthy way for me to get out and do something for myself. I talked about it with my husband and he thought it was a great idea. Before I decided to get the membership, we talked about when I would go and how we could work this into our very busy lives. Originally, I said I would wait until my oldest got home from school so she could help with the littles but every time I would go, the gym would be insanely busy and what I wanted to be an hour or an hour and a half became 3 hours due to having to wait for machines to be available. During that time, it was nothing but problems at home and I would get calls or texts from either him or my oldest.
One day I went about 2 hours earlier, and there was no wait time and I got out of there within 1.5 hrs. I talked to my husband about it and we agreed I would start going around that time and he would take care of the kiddos alone.
So today is the 3rd time I have done that and each time there has been a problem. He doesn’t watch the kids. He puts them in high chairs with snacks so he can play his game or he puts them in their room with a baby gate in the doorway. It’s frustrating for several reasons. Today I told him I’m thinking I should cancel my membership because of how things are when I’m not here. He got mad and said I just won’t let him parent the way he wants to. I told him that putting them in chairs or in their room isn’t parenting, he doesn’t seem to even try to entertain them and he shouldn’t be in the garage playing games leaving them unsupervised. He said it’s my fault for not going when my oldest gets home like I originally said I would and he needs time to unwind when he gets home from work.
So AITA?
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Alright so I (34F) have three kids (13F, 3F, 2F). I am a SAHM and I love taking care of my kids and being with them everyday. However, I get super envious of my husband (34M) because he does get to leave this house (he works from 4-12:30) and when he comes home, he gets to go sit in his man cave and play COD.
For years, he’s been encouraging me to find something to do for myself that is outside of the house. My birthday was last weekend and I decided I wanted to get a gym membership. After 3 kids, my body is not the same as it used to be and this would be a healthy way for me to get out and do something for myself. I talked about it with my husband and he thought it was a great idea. Before I decided to get the membership, we talked about when I would go and how we could work this into our very busy lives. Originally, I said I would wait until my oldest got home from school so she could help with the littles but every time I would go, the gym would be insanely busy and what I wanted to be an hour or an hour and a half became 3 hours due to having to wait for machines to be available. During that time, it was nothing but problems at home and I would get calls or texts from either him or my oldest.
One day I went about 2 hours earlier, and there was no wait time and I got out of there within 1.5 hrs. I talked to my husband about it and we agreed I would start going around that time and he would take care of the kiddos alone.
So today is the 3rd time I have done that and each time there has been a problem. He doesn’t watch the kids. He puts them in high chairs with snacks so he can play his game or he puts them in their room with a baby gate in the doorway. It’s frustrating for several reasons. Today I told him I’m thinking I should cancel my membership because of how things are when I’m not here. He got mad and said I just won’t let him parent the way he wants to. I told him that putting them in chairs or in their room isn’t parenting, he doesn’t seem to even try to entertain them and he shouldn’t be in the garage playing games leaving them unsupervised. He said it’s my fault for not going when my oldest gets home like I originally said I would and he needs time to unwind when he gets home from work.
So AITA?
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> I think I might be the asshole for changing the plan on my husband and not giving him time to unwind when he gets a home from work. He said that I was the asshole for it and I’m questioning if I really am.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. The first problem is that your husband’s day ends the moment he walks in the door after work. The kids don’t vanish into thin air when he comes home. They still need care and help. So he should be helping. There is zero reason why he can’t entertain his own children. I wouldn’t even discuss this with him. Go to the gym during the time your oldest is in school. Schedule a sitter for your younger two. Schedule a few days in advance so that you have a set schedule for you and your sitter can rely on steady income. If your husband balks at the cost of the sitter tell him “Tough. I either pay a sitter who actually cares for the kids and entertains them, or you do it for free and they fend for themselves. It costs me either way, but I have confidence in the sitter I pay”. Then stop worrying about your husband entirely and take the time for you that he is absolutely taking for himself
Nta.
Ah yes the life of a stahm without help. From the moment you wake up, until you drop, and sometimes all night you are on call. No off time, no real breaks, you don’t get time to unwind. You are simply, mom beast, without the woman cave!
It’s good you are trying to carve out time for yourself. Your partner is their father and should be included in all manner of activities with the kids, bedtime rituals, cooking dinner sometimes, etc.
This is where you are going to need to be more flexible. He’s not going to do things the way you would and unless your kids are in danger you’re going to have to get over it. In fact, you should take one evening a week for yourself. Take yourself out to dinner and do not micromanage your husband while you’re gone.
It’s vital you get some time to be a human, take it! Your kids and husband will be better for it.
NTA. Parenting requires actually supervising your kids., especially when they’re so young. You’re never supposed to leave a kid in a high chair unsupervised because they can seriously injure themselves or worse if they decide to climb out of the chair. Kids that age should never be unsupervised anyway, but doing it in their high chairs is especially dangerous.
So you have 4 kids not 3 and only the teenager is competent.
I think you have bigger relationship problems, this is weaponized incompetence and if you want to stay married either you need to accept you are the only adult in the house or he needs to step up.
he’d probably do better as a weekend dad anyway, it’s what he’s used to.
So he gets to work 40 hours a week then unwind, but you have to be on 24-7 and even taking time to exercise — which isn’t strictly a break — is too much. So he wants to parentify your kid instead? Sounds like you’ve got four kids. NTA
NTA but it’s unfair to make your 13 yr old babysit for you when your own husband won’t do it. You have a husband problem here. He should be willing to actually look after his own kids a few hours a week for you to go to the gym. Tell him you get M/W/F for the gym and he gets T/TH/SAT to game.
NTA It’s not your 13 year old child’s responsibility to watch your children. Your husband is a lazy and he needs to step up. Parenthood changes everything, gaming will always be the least important thing when you’re a parent. Plenty of mother’s work 8 horus a day and don’t come home and game for hours on end. Real fathers don’t “babysit” their children, they’re parents.
NTA. And yikes the 13 year old is gonna hate you very soon. Just leave your husband to parent as he likes. He is clearly incompetent but doesn’t seem like he is actually endangering the kids. Let your kid be a kid. She is not the parent. Or get someone to watch them.
NTA. Wanting a little time for yourself after raising 3 kids is not unreasonable, it’s healthy. Your husband gets his “me time” every single day after work in his man cave but the second you try to carve out even 90 minutes for yourself, he checks out and dumps the kids so he can still game.
It’s not that you “won’t let him parent how he wants,” it’s that he’s not actually parenting. Supervision and engagement are minimum requirements, not optional extras. He agreed to this new gym schedule and that means he’s responsible during that time.
You’re not wrong for wanting balance, he needs to step up as a parent, not treat your time away as a personal inconvenience.
ESH. You trust your barely a teen child more to parent your two toddlers than your useless husband? And it’s justified because he just locks them in high chairs for 2 hours and ignores them while he plays games? Good god, I feel very sorry for your eldest child. You and your husband need to get your shit together and leave her alone, and also use very strong birth control because she is not your free nanny. Everything about this is awful.
NTA. Your husband can at least do you the courtesy of watching the kids a couple hrs for you to do something fun. Then he can proceed to his game playing once you are back.
My husband comes home early to be with our dog so I can go to the gym. Stand your ground girl.
He is not parenting , he is NEGLECTING his children
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There is no wind down time until the kids are older.
You are NTA.
Your husband needs to stop playing COD and be a dad.
When you are at the gym, your phone stays in the locker. There is no reason why a 34 yo can’t play and hang out with 2 of his kids so you get what you need.
NTA. But make it clear that he will paying for a baby sitter for the two younger ones while you have your earned free time, if he is not going to be involved in spending time with them. Its not the older child’s job to babysit and she shouldn’t be placed in that position by either of you. Your husband needs a reality check.
NTA.
His idea of parenting is called neglect. Your oldest shouldn’t be the one that has to parent, especially when they have a father who should already be doing that!!
I just want to throw this out there but it’s not your 13 year old’s responsibility to “help with the littles”. Pay a babysitter or make your husband step up
Please don’t make your oldest daughter responsible here. It’s not her job and she will resent you for it.
Personally, I never understand why men like your husband bother to become fathers. I hope he at least brings home a lot of bacon because he sounds useless otherwise. And with that bacon, get yourself a good childminder and go do what you need to do for a couple of hours a day.
NTA, as long as you don’t use your daughter.
NTA. Dumping the child care off onto your thirteen year old is unacceptable. He is their father and it’s his responsibility to watch the kids. I think it’s entirely fair to expect him to be able to handle two small kids for a couple of hours.
What he is doing is weaponized incompetence to get out of the responsibility. It isn’t your fault that going to the gym is what works best for everyone in the family.
I would tell him fine if he needs time to unwind then you will go in the evening right after dinner. He can do the after dinner cleanup and put the kids to bed. See if that time works better for you, while holding him accountable for pulling his weight with the kids. Make it clear to your daughter that he is not to dump the responsibility off on her.
NTA it’s fine to want your own time. Being a stay at home parent is hard. You need marriage counseling cause your husband only wants to be a provider and not a coparent. My mom was a stay at home parent but my father still helped parent my siblings and I.
NTA. Find a gym with a daycare. Please also refer back to the comment about weaponized incompetence and the comments there.
NTA – It is absolutely not more your oldest job to take care of or raise the younger children than it is his. Working full-time does not mean that he gets to be completely absent from parenting.
I think you need to be pretty concerned about this. Because the nature of life is entirely unpredictable, and all you know, right now is that you are coparents with someone who would put video games above child rearing, and thinks that the very barest of minimum is more than enough for your children. He, as their father, thinks that that’s enough for them.
NTA for all that, your husband sucks.
YTA for “I would wait until my oldest got home from school so she could help with the littles.”
You are NTA but why are people having 3 children back to back with husbands like this? Your eldest child assisting you is ok but don’t make it her responsibility to look after other kids. Talk to your husband and see what plans you guys come up with but also don’t I hope you don’t stop your gym. Finally you have something you do for yourself.
Men want kids like a kid wants a puppy. He needs to get his shit together and be an actual parent. He can unwind later.
yikes, dude really put video games over his kids? not the vibe at all.
NTA. He says he wants to help you out. His actions state otherwise.
NTA,
But your husband is practicing weaponized incompetence:
Your kids are not in physical danger. Put your phone on DO NOT DISTURB, don’t answer his texts or calls unless it’s an emergency worthy of calling 911, and let him parent whatever way he wants.
You cannot force your way of parenting on him.
I personally would not be with a man who needs to be on a video game every day and cannot be bothered to play with his kids, but that’s me.
I would figure out how many hours per week he is at home playing video games. He will need to a-lot that time to you as well. Dont use your daughter- it really is damaging to her childhood (fact). 🩷 His unwinding time in the drive home.
Hmmm, ok.
I’m not overly surprised to be honest. Change opens the doors for all sorts of surprises, some better and some not so good.
What it does not mean however, is that the change needs to be reversed. Often it needs for the change to settle in and time for new processes to be built around it.
The issue here is that your husband is courting sizeable trouble. Unsupervised kids is simply a recipe for trouble or negative events. He is playing chicken and obviously his children are the fodder.
Have you tried having that core conversation? Not about the gym, not about his down time, but about his management of his child’s well-being while you try and sort out a solution to the change in schedule?
I say this, because no matter what you decide to do, this is now a secondary issue to your gym problem. And just so we are very clear the issue is your husband is capable of choosing to not oversea the wellbeing of his own children. That is a very unpleasant realisation. Potentially a marriage changing, respect changing, a “you are not the person I thought I married” changing realisation.
NTA – but this isn’t about the gym unfortunately.
ESH. You are both assholes.
Your husband for being a whinging child—but you as well; not because you want to go to the gym, of course—but because you see no issue in parentifying your eldest child so that you can continue infantilizing your husband, doing a disservice to all three of your kids.
Your husband is a parent. He made that choice when he had children. Why does he “get” to give his kids short shrift so that he can play video games? Gets to? According to whom? Did God come down from On High and proclaim his right to act like a twelve-year-old?
You are a coequal partner to your husband. You are fully capable of vetoing what goes on in your house. You are allowing this behavior by condoning it. The fact that only your desire not to wait for gym machines stopped you from impressing your child into childcare is laughable.
It is disgusting and ridiculous that your husband thinks his 13-year-old daughter should be parenting his kids while he plays video games. It is, quite literally, the opposite.
I feel terrible for your 13 year old.
He is the asshole. He can delay his unwinding time for a couple hours.
NTA
Either he needs to be a man and take care of his kids or he needs to pay for a babysitter. It’s not the 13 year old’s job to watch the kids after school. They have homework to do and they didn’t decide to have babies.
Y’all had your oldest young but that doesn’t mean he gets to relive the frat days now and avoid being an actual parent. Make sure your birth control is locked down tight so you don’t have another kid with this loser. Working out of the house doesn’t mean you don’t have parenting responsibilities.
ESH. You are either knowingly leaving two toddlers with a dangerously neglectful parent (high chairs are tip-resistant, not tip-proof), or making your 13 year old responsible for watching your toddlers so you can have a break.
Go get a job, and a nanny, and divorce the useless man. Apologize to the teenager, and get some standards.
oof, nailed it. poor kid’s gonna bolt first chance she gets.
He’s a grown ass man he does not need to be playing video games. Sell his games and dare him to buy new ones. What the hell is wrong with you women that allow the men in your life to abandon you and your children so they can play f** games?