In a way a continuation of my last post 4 years ago. In short, I asked this girl (will call her A) out and we dated for abt 4 months, we broke up both cuz of her discomfort with love and we later on figured out we’re both (mostly) queer and like the same gender. We then had a friend group with her and my long-time best friend (B, F same age), we were all quite depressed and trauma-dumped a lot in the GC which exhausted us all, and things didn’t end great with A stopping talking to us.
Things changed a lot. I reached out to A again this fall cuz I did genuinely like being friends. We both opened up and apologized for how we acted, and we’re good friends now, very similar in personality.
B didn’t really show remorse and got jealous/weird that I’m friends with A again, though B was like that every time I made a new friend, asking if I’m “replacing them” jokingly. I complained abt it each time cuz it made me feel guilty, but B never stopped. We barely talked with B too for a while since they got busy with uni and started dating, most convos became abt her bf and even when we’d play online together, he’d always be there. He’s fun, but I felt like we didn’t have our own hangouts anymore.
By now B hasn’t bothered talking to me much for like a month, maybe cuz I was being more firm with speaking up when I disliked smt they said (edgy stuff that sounded too genuine), so I really only hang with A now (and one other friend but we’re much less close with less history). We were both of the assumption that she likes girls only, but they’ve been hanging out with a coworker (19M) of hers the past months and just became official today.
I honestly don’t know how I feel. I’m happy she’s happy. I’m kinda jealous she’s found someone and I haven’t yet. I keep thinking “if you did like guys and this guy sounds similar to me, what was my problem?” which is just insecurity, but at the same time it sounds weird to me to actually date her? Like I’d love to be together as platonic friends, a queer-platonic relationship sort of thing while being each-others top priority (after family), but kissing or intimacy with her would just feel strange, which makes me pretty sure I don’t like her that way?
I also regularly question if I’m ace/aro, but if I’m not I mostly like guys which makes dating hard where I live: homophobic country, all queer guys live far in bigger cities or seem mostly interested in sex which I’m not completely cool with(?) and they might not be cool with me being trans either. I’m also really picky with personalities. I’m wondering if I’m just scared I’ll never find a partner myself, so I’m hoping for an always-single friend to be forever besties with? Or if I’m really ace/aro and afraid of always becoming less important in the end when a friend starts dating someone. I also feel this tinge of pain in my heart when A talks abt the guy? But I’ve also felt jealous of her online friend and even her family when I’d think they’d take time away from our chats/hangouts.
She did reassure me “bros before hoes” and that we’ll keep hanging out as usual when I asked, but B said that too and it was forgotten abt quickly.
TLDR: I’m extremely attatched to my close friend, I feel jealous and afraid I’ll be forgotten when she spends more time with other people, and she just started dating someone which makes me fear that we’ll stop being as close over time and I’ll be abandoned again.
I guess the question is, how do I get over my jealousy and fear so I can keep being friends with her, and not mess things up with my insecurity and lose a precious friend?