For the past 3 years my mom has been getting more and more intrusive on my privacy like taking my door away and refusing to let me use any laptop she had not installed spyware on luckily I know what tron is (great antivirus takes like a hour for a check but it boots most shit of the system) and she has grown more and more hostile to me for example just not my mom saw that a total of 4 muffins were eaten in a day and she asked if I did it and when I said no she asked “so your telling me you did not even eat one” in a tone that told me she did not believe me it feels like every part of my life is being watched and that anything that goes wrong is somehow my fault I’m coming here less to know if I’m a ass hole of if I’m being gaslit I can’t even call friends without my mom self inserting and demanding that whoever I’m talking to tells her who they are and Whare they live
Edit: I am 14 to be clear
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For the past 3 years my mom has been getting more and more intrusive on my privacy like taking my door away and refusing to let me use any laptop she had not installed spyware on luckily I know what tron is (great antivirus takes like a hour for a check but it boots most shit of the system) and she has grown more and more hostile to me for example just not my mom saw that a total of 4 muffins were eaten in a day and she asked if I did it and when I said no she asked “so your telling me you did not even eat one” in a tone that told me she did not believe me it feels like every part of my life is being watched and that anything that goes wrong is somehow my fault I’m coming here less to know if I’m a ass hole of if I’m being gaslit I can’t even call friends without my mom self inserting and demanding that whoever I’m talking to tells her who they are and Whare they live
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have been told my refusal to give up my privacy is unacceptable for years and at this point I am not sure if it is normal
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO how old are you?
How old are you? That is an important part of the story?
Next question. It feels like there was a breakdown in trust between yourself and your mother some time in the past.
What did you do?
This sort of behavior doesn’t appear in a vacuum.
I don’t think we’ve go the whole story here. Can you fill some of it in?
NTA but…
This is incredibly invasive and controlling.
But you likely will have to tolerate it until you turn 18 / move out.
This behavior makes adult kids go no contact with their parents…
study hard, get good grades, get a part time job and save every single penny in an account she cant see, get a scholarship, go to college for something financially steady, and get the fuck outta there.
start your countdown to escape. good luck.
INFO: Did you eat any of the muffins? If not, who did?
NTA. You’re 14, not 4. What your mom’s doing isn’t normal parenting, it’s control. It’s reasonable for parents to want to keep kids safe, but spyware, no door, and interrogations over muffins is over the line
I see you mentioned being suicidal at one point. My guess is she’s willing to be as invasive as need be so she doesn’t lose you.
You’re still a child, so just do your best in school, make responsible choices and get a job and save.
But you got this, don’t give up.
The only positive with this is that it’s going to turn you into an expert at hiding things. You will become stellar at having a double life. She will question why she doesn’t know anything about you and she will have history to rely on for the answer to those questions.
I’d suggest keeping your head down for the next 4 years and just become a pro at hiding any and everything you don’t want her to know.
If they pay for it, then it’s theirs.
ESH – you’re a minor child which means that you will be under her control until 18. While I don’t agree with taking the door off I’m not your mother.
Going through your phone is her right especially since she’s paying for it. I’m sure that you can talk to her about the muffins – she’s allowed to get frustrated especially with food prices being what they are.
Respect your mother, be a good kid.
NTA
Are you the oldest or an only child? If yes, it’s all new territory for her as you grow older.
Have there been any past issues that would be a cause for her to be extra vigilant?
Whatever the case it feels like she is being overly invasive. Hang in there, get a job when you can and start saving.
I’m sorry, but at age 14 I think that it’s likely YTA… Maybe ESH at best. You are still a kid and if they took your door, I’m going to guess something you did/do was/is pretty bad. Parents try to keep their kids safe best they can. Trust needs to be earned, especially after it’s been broken.
NAH, but maybe some counseling for the family might help with some unresolved issues. Your mind is looking out for you but it does seem excessive.
Perhaps explain the ramifications to her if she continues down this path?
The world is lovely and interesting and full of mystery and the most beautiful things. There are also the odd predators. They exist, have always existed, and the normal ways to protect oneself don’t work like they used to with technology changing so much.
No 14 year old is going to spot a predator. It’s not just you. In fact, most adults wouldn’t spot one either. But they have more tools and life experience to handle it.
Your Mom may be a pain in some ways, but wanting to know who you’re talking to and where they live is reasonable. I can imagine being 14 now and being btwn the online and physical worlds is difficult and I don’t envy you.
But your Mom is trying to keep you safe. And maybe she’s a pain about muffins sometimes, idk. But Mom’s make mistakes too.
There are lots of people teaching parents how to help navigate the online world with kids to keep them safe. Idk who they are but find them – learn the best practices and share it with your Mom.
NTA, but unless you are paying for your own phone and legally an adult she does make the rules with that.
Op: this is abuse. The taking the door away is a common tactics in abusive parenting. Your school should have a counsellor you can speak to. Make an appointment and tell them everything.
idk, her taking your door is wild tho. that ain’t normal.
If her obsessive & controlling behavior isn’t temporary, you need to work towards getting out of there the moment you turn 18. Get a job when you can, save as much money as you can, & keep it out of her reach. Get good grades so you can get scholarships to head out to college or some other path out. When you move out, keep a good support system that doesn’t have any connections to your mother (healthy friend group, therapist, etc). You can’t get a bank account as a minor without her knowing about it. But I would research ways to stash cash. Something she’d never think to go through. The way you describe her…I wouldn’t be surprised if she frequently goes through your stuff.