I (22M) grew up with no contact whatsoever with my dad’s brother and his wife. They were estranged before I was even born and it was not like I had many chances to interact with them because they moved to the UK when I was little.
But I did connect with my cousins on socials over the years, and we talked a few times. So I planned a trip to London with my girlfriend and got the chance to meet one of my cousins (21M) in person, and we were out for drinks and we were having fun, but at some point he approached the subject of why my dad and his dad don’t talk, and that’s the first time I realized he really didn’t know the reason, he was clueless.
And the reason was: my dad had dated my cousin’s mom before she dated his dad, so my dad felt betrayed when his own brother made a move on his ex (they weren’t together anymore). They were young back then, I don’t judge any of them for how they felt or behaved, I wasn’t saying anything bad whatsoever about my uncle and his wife. I was just sharing what I knew. But my cousin got really shocked after I told the news, and excused himself to go to the bathroom, and my girlfriend gave me an earful for even saying anything because she says it wasn’t my place.
We didn’t talk about it for the rest of the night, but I texted him the next day asking if he was upset I said anything and he told me I shouldn’t have dropped a bomb like that when we were just meeting for the first time and both drunk. I said I only talked about it because he brought the subject up, what was I supposed to do?
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I (22M) grew up with no contact whatsoever with my dad’s brother and his wife. They were estranged before I was even born and it was not like I had many chances to interact with them because they moved to the UK when I was little.
But I did connect with my cousins on socials over the years, and we talked a few times. So I planned a trip to London with my girlfriend and got the chance to meet one of my cousins (21M) in person, and we were out for drinks and we were having fun, but at some point he approached the subject of why my dad and his dad don’t talk, and that’s the first time I realized he really didn’t know the reason, he was clueless.
And the reason was: my dad had dated my cousin’s mom before she dated his dad, so my dad felt betrayed when his own brother made a move on his ex (they weren’t together anymore). They were young back then, I don’t judge any of them for how they felt or behaved, I wasn’t saying anything bad whatsoever about my uncle and his wife. I was just sharing what I knew. But my cousin got really shocked after I told the news, and excused himself to go to the bathroom, and my girlfriend gave me an earful for even saying anything because she says it wasn’t my place.
We didn’t talk about it for the rest of the night, but I texted him the next day asking if he was upset I said anything and he told me I shouldn’t have dropped a bomb like that when we were just meeting for the first time and both drunk. I said I only talked about it because he brought the subject up, what was I supposed to do?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action to be judged: I told my cousin the reason our dads don’t talk to each other, which I always thought he already knew and only realized he did not when we met face to face. Why this can make me an AH: it was something regarding the past of our parents and something his own folks chose not to share with him, so maybe it was not my place to say anything about it.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Theoretically, sure—the most ultra-sensitive thing to do would have been to tell him “hey, let’s talk about that tomorrow when we’re both sober.”
Realistically, though, anyone who’s asking why two brothers haven’t spoken in decades—and expecting a light and cheery answer—is a dodo.
NTA.
NTA…Never ask a question unless you can accept the answer. He should’ve really asked his own dad that question
I think it depends of how the cousin approached the subject in your night out. Was it like in the sense of seriously asking ‘why did our dads lost touch?’ or more like a drunken throwaway comment like ‘what a bummer our dads don’t talk, what’s up with that?’. Based on your girlfriend’s impression and your cousin’s text the next day, it seems to me this was not the setting for a real, serious talk, especially one regarding his parents’ past actions that the parents themselves chose to never talk about it openly for the past 20 years.
So I’ll go with YTA. Even if for the sake of not reading the room. It could be a N-T-A here to me if you were clearing up something like based on a wrongful impression he could have had of your dad based on whatever he was told. But personally, in a case like this, my reaction would be something like ‘maybe you should ask your dad about it’. Or I’d just be totally forthcoming with someone after I had already built a considerable level of trust and confidence – it doesn’t seem to be the case here.
It’s been over two decades, and it was originally a dating relationship that broke off before your uncle made a move. I’m completely baffled at why it bothered your cousin so much. It’s not like your dad was even in a relationship with his mom when his dad started a relationship with his mom.
Obviously a stranger and I don’t know the details of the situation, but decades of being mad when clearly both found their right partners is wild to me. I feel like “get over it” falls in line here.
Dropped a bomb? People are so ridiculous.
NAH for you and your cousin, both drunk, it wasn’t necessarily meant to be harmful, and first time meeting family of coarse you would ask questions.
TA are the grownups that continue to hold a grudge with each other, enough to make it their kids’ issue.
It’s weird that you can’t visit your uncle and aunt as you wouldn’t have a cousin otherwise. It’s strange they haven’t talked to your cousin either about it before you two met. All around it’s just odd and unfortunate two cousins have to carry that drama.
NTA your cousin is a snowflake and over reacting