My bf (23M) recently accepted a job offer in a city across the country even though he had the option to work in the same city as me. Whenever we talked about our vision for the future previously, our goals aligned and we wanted to work in the city that he ended up not choosing. He expressed multiple times that he couldn’t imagine working in the city he chose because he hated it even though it was closer to his parents who moved there two years ago.
Throughout the process, I was trying to be understanding specially considering the current job market, but I felt extremely left out as he ignored me while he was making the decision and only told me after it was too late for us to have any sort of meaningful conversation or discuss what this meant for our relationship. I tried to get past it and focus on the good parts, but he also hasn’t kept up with the things we agreed to do to make things work. I’ve always felt like I sacrificed more in the relationship and now I don’t know if I can ever depend on him to choose us. I really want to figure this out with him and have constantly tried to blame myself and my insecurities on being an over thinker. I’m not sure if I’m the only one at fault and need to work on myself or if I should just let him go.
TL;DR: BF (23M) broke my trust by going against what we’d previously agreed on and isn’t making enough effort to repair the trust that was broken, not sure how to handle it.
Comments
You say you want to repair the broken trust, but the problem is that he’s been acting without integrity, and before you can figure out if you two can recover from his lack of integrity, he needs to start behaving with integrity.
And he needs to demonstrate that he’s going to act with integrity when the stakes are as high as they were when he moved to a different city.
It sounds like he’s not doing that. You two are still making agreements, and he’s still breaking them.
Imagine he embarrassed you whenever you went out my calling you “piggy” and making oinking noises whenever you ate. Right now it sounds like you’re trying to forgive him for doing that while he’s still doing it. “Right now I want to move forward.” “Great. Oink oink.” “I think we need to operate with more mutual respect,” “Oh, I totally respect my little piggy!”
That’s not fixable.