So I (24f) have been a stay at home mom for the past 5 years while my husband (27m) has been in the military. My kids are both school age now one is in kindergarten and one is in prek. The problem is we pay out of pocket for prek and it is not cheap. With that being said, my goal for when both kids were in school was to go to school myself and work towards getting a degree so that I could have an actual career. We’ve ran into a problem with getting fee assistance for my preschooler and now we are so broke we cannot even make our bills.
I understand that with this situation we are in, it is more important for me to get a job than it is for me to go to school. That is something I’m completely fine with, what I’m not fine with is my husband telling me I need to do everything while he just goes to work and comes home. I’ve recently accepted a job that is noc 10pm-6am (that’s the only shift I could get because of my children’s schedule), so I go to work at 10pm, get off at 6am, rush home so my husband can go to work and get the kids ready for school, drop off is at 7:40am then 8am for my preschooler, get home at 8:30am and sleep until 2pm, pickup starts at 2:30 for my kindergartener and 3pm for my preschooler, then we’d get home around 3:30pm. My husband doesn’t get home until 5:30pm which is when I’m making dinner. Kids are fed, bathed and in bed by 7:30 and then that leaves me with 2 and a half hours to hopefully catch a nap before I go to work.
My husband insists that I go to school, his suggestion was night school, so while I’m working… not possible. His next suggestion was that I do it during the day… also not possible because I need sleep ??? And then to top it all off he tells me “there are lots of people that work full time and go to school full time, you can make it work”. So idk what to do. Am I being unreasonable telling him it’s one or the other, school or work?
Edit: Thanks everyone for the kind words and reassurance. I got a lot of “you obviously know that’s not unreasonable” comments and I would like to say that I genuinely questioned if it was or wasn’t. My MIL agrees w my husband, and when I talked w her about it I really started to feel like “maybe I can do it I just don’t know how yet” type thing. Nonetheless, my mind is at ease knowing it’s totally not attainable (at least for me). I did tell him it’s one or the other and we’ve come to an agreement!
I would also like to clear up some things as far as what he does and doesn’t do… he does split some chores w me and he is the breadwinner ! However I am the primary/default parent like I said before and I manage the entire household including, but not limited to,… everything 😂
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What’s unreasonable is him not being a parent and expecting you to do it all.
Who are these “lots of people”? And do they have kids while doing both? I work at a university. Students working full time and attending full time aren’t common. Being a primary caregiver on top of that? Pretty sure your husband doesn’t have a clue.
Do you mind me asking how long you have tolerated this sort of abuse?
You’re being put in an untenable, unreasonable, and unmanageable position.
To say that he does not respect you would be vast understatement.
EDIT: it seems that there are some people who lack the life experience necessary to understand that disrespect for another person, as the OP’s husband demonstrates (according to what OP writes) above, is the very foundation, the very essence, the very core of “abuse.”
A partner who respects his spouse does not dismissively and thoughtlessly pile onto another human being the sorts of demands that the OP describes above.
That a concept as elementary as this even needs to be explained is a sad commentary on life in 2025.
And admittedly, this notion of “disrespect as abuse” is and will likely remain an abstract concept for many who have likely never enjoyed a healthy, mature relationship with another human being… which may be why Reddit is a veritable cornucopia of horror stories such as the one above.
(And, yes, I am acutely aware of the fact that we are only getting one side of the story here, so thank you to all who have reminded me of the patently obvious… alas, that is all we have to work with. And to my mind, it’s completely credible, for the simple reason that it sounds more or less identical to the other 5,955,375 posts about the same general theme and topic that have been posted by similarly abused women on this wretched website.)
Regards.
Wouldn’t life be easier if you were a single mom?
Seems like it would be a whole lot easier for you to live your life receiving child support for the kids. Hell of an incentive your husband is dangling in front of your face, hoping you don’t notice.
Does it make financial sense to put kid 2 in expensive pre k? Is your income even more than that cost?
You should both write out your schedules and what you allot your time to
It may be easier for you both to see your schedules visually and then decide how you can make this a more 50/50 partnership
If after you do this and he still disagrees with the distribution of work then you have to decide whether you want to take additional steps (counseling etc.) or live with it
Sounds like your schedule currently is not tenable for next 15 years
He’s being unreasonable. Can some people do it? Sure. Some people can also pull a car for a mile and sprint 100 meters in 10 seconds. But most people can’t. Full time employee and student and parent is probably too much. Especially if he’s not going to help. What exactly does he do with the kids? And does he realize there is more to being a husband and father than just being a financial provider? Same as there is more to you being a mom and wife than dropping them off at school and making him dinner? It’s all the little moments in between too and the feelings you all inspire in each other. Does he get that?
“there are lots of people that work full time and go to school full time, you can make it work”
????
what about the kids Jerry? when am I supposed to take care of them?
this is unreasonable tbh, and I just wouldn’t do it. fuck ’em. not gonna say divorce him or anything reddit-crazy. but genuinely, whats he gonna do if you dont go to school lmao. if you think you guys need the money, keep the job and keep at it. sounds like its IT since its a NOC position. a lot of times, experience pays for itself there.
eventually, sure, get into WGU or get some Certs if it is an IT-Related NOC position. but I agree with you, kids, work, school….you pick 2 lol.
Have you asked him who the hell he thinks he is?
What you allow is what will continue
As a person with a career, a full time college student and being a parent…. There is absolutely no way I could do it with two LITTLE kids. It’s hard enough and my kid is a teen who can help with house work and cooking. He’s being absolutely unrealistic and unreasonable.
I’ve done two of those things at a time but all three is impossible.
It is not possible to work the night shift, be the primary parent to 2 small children & go to school. I am so sorry your husband is putting this kind of stress on you!
At this point y’all should divorce and you can be a single parent
Why live with him if you are doing it all?
Apart from a paycheck that doesn’t even cover your bills, what exactly does this man bring to the table?
Or… maybe he could help out with the kids… SINCE THEY ARE HIS KIDS TOO. Like, what is this man’s brain? People work and go to school full-time, yeah… BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT RAISING KIDS. Your husband is an AH.
As a father who used to work nights and care for my two young sons and didn’t have school on my plate, fuck that guy. Not doable. Especially if he’s not stepping up to do way, way more than just go to his banking hours job.
Those people that can do both usually don’t have kids, and/or, they do school or work part time.
That’s a lot to ask of you. Idk when he goes to work, but he can at the very LEAST, handle the kids in the mornings, so you can get some sleep.
Can you have a family emergency that takes you away gut 3 weeks or do, leaving him to do EVERYTHING gif the kids?
OK probably not realistic to miss that much work. But this man is pontificating from a position of zero first hand experience of what this sort of juggling is like, and he needs a wake up call. Ideally before his selfish attitude pisses you off do much that you start thinking that life would be better without him around.
Honestly, it sounds like you’d be better off as a single parent.
Tell him to wish in one hand and crap in the other one and see which gets filled up first.
You KNOW it’s unreasonable. That’s why you’re posting here. You’ve known there’s something incredibly wrong with your husband’s behavior for a while and are looking for someone to state the obvious: He is being completely unreasonable. And an asshole. And a bad parent.
Worse than just being unrealistic, it looks like he just doesn’t respect you. You shouldn’t have to feel like you need to go to others to confirm that what he’s asking is insane and cruel. I’m sorry you’re being put in this position.
He owes you an apology.
Your husband is ridiculous. You can use his Gi bill to pay for your school and I’m pretty sure it comes with a pretty good stipend. Get a job on the weekends but that’s it.
well time to tell the husband your going to have to pay for someone to take care of the kids in afternoon till bed time. Your not going to go to school fulltime plus work and actually be able to learn anything if your juggling with the kids. dont waste the money for the education if your not going to be able to really learn. You would be shorting yourself out.
I wouldn’t want my mom to stay with my dad if he demanded her to work 3 full time jobs while he works one
Parenting and school are jobs
That doesn’t even include being all their laid and cook too for 5 jobs
Sounds like your life will be easier on your own without a man child milking you for more
He is setting you up for failure and criticism and knows it
Your husband should try dropping the kids off at school so you can sleep.
I used to work the night shift. Being fully cognitive with only 5 hours a sleep is crazy.
No. It. Can’t. Be. Done.
How much sleep does he get?
I did exactly what your husband wants you to do for years. I absolutely ruined my health.
Tell HIM to go to school full time.
My dad was in the Marine Corps for 20 years. He also cooked dinner regularly, helped me with my homework and read with me each night, played with my brother and me, helped clean, checked that I bathed and put me to bed. He made me lunch regularly and handled breakfast every Sunday. He took my brother and I to our sports stuff and brought us along when he did errands, which regularly included grocery shopping. He picked out my clothes often and brushed my hair and clipped my fingernails. He was active in parenting me and in our house during my childhood and he was also in the military.
Your husband is a lazy jerk of a husband and a bad parent. He either needs to step up at home or you should leave him.
I worked FT, had two toddlers, and went to school PT twice a week at night. My commute was 2 hrs a day. If was HARD! My husb was somewhat supportive but it’s a lot and your husband should be helping you parent. If not, what’s the point of having him around?
You’re not being unreasonable. He is. Tell him to get a 2nd job or pull your kid from PreK and stay home w them until kindergarten.
Your husband is out of his mind. There is absolutely no time in your day where you could squeeze in even one class, and if you did somehow manage to do that, then you would have absolutely no time to study. The only possible way it could work is if he took over dinner and kid duty the minute he got home at 5:30 and even then you would be chronically sleep deprived.
The only other possible option would be to take a Saturday class, but again, only if he was on kid duty on Saturdays because you would need to study then as well.
What you are doing right now is barely sustainable because you are not getting in enough sleep. He really should be taking over at 5:30 anyway so you can get more sleep.
Why doesn’t he take night time classes to further his education so he can get a better paying job? You’ve already got enough jobs to do while he only has one. He needs to step up his requests/demands are ridiculous.
Some men just hate women
There are lots of people whose entire time is going to school and work. I’ve never met anyone who was going to school full time/8 hours a day and working full time/8 hours a day, 5 days a week.
You don’t have enough hours in the day to do all three, it’s simple math. But let’s say you did for sake of argument.
Babe, if he can’t do all those things because he has a full time job, why does he think you can?
He’s going to cook for himself and clean the house, right? Dishes, laundry, wiping down surfaces, taking out the trash, etc.
He’s going to understand when you’re too exhausted to be a wife, ever, right?
How about vacation days? He’s going to be cool with picking up slack on his days off (seeing relatives, taking the cars to get serviced, home repairs, doing the grocery shopping, taking the kids to the park, buying school supplies, and clothing), right?
What does your husband do besides go to work?
Drop the preK. Your kid will be fine without it. Apply for medicaid, wic, snap, unclaimed military benefits etc. (It’s abhorrent that you need to given your husband is in the military.) Get a part time remote job with a healthcare company or university. Tell your husband to get a second job.
Do NOT take that night job. You will become a shell of a human
Girl you know the answer, trust your gut and instinct.
So he wants a sugar momma bang maid. Get out and get out now. You don’t need an extra child to parent.
You’re not being unreasonable. Sorry you’re married to someone low IQ.
You can’t work 10-6am and go to school it’s impossible. Tell him to step the fuck up or be a single parent.
Your husband should be taking over all morning duties and some of the evening duties, or getting a second job himself so you can get more childcare. If he is not willing to do either, then him thinking that you should be doing it all is a hard no. You need to really think about how this relationship is going to work in the long term. You might be better off without him.
You can look at Western Governor’s University–they have work at your own pace classes. They use prerecorded videos, so you can do work at any time. I did an education degree with them and recommend them highly.
Does your husband not understand math? It’s this attitude and then men wonder why women decide they don’t need them. Because all they are adding to the equation is dick and more housework. Dick is readily available for free, and who needs more housework!
Are you me from 10 years ago?
I was 18, working full time on third shift at a factory, full time in college, and with a newborn and a shitty boyfriend. I genuinely slept maybe three times a week through the weekdays. I was also expected to keep the house clean, do the laundry, and cook dinner. When I would try to sleep in on the weekends, my boyfriend would flip the lights on and talk to our baby like “when you grow up, you won’t be lazy like mama, right? Look at her sleeping at 10 in the morning, what a bitch.” He would flip lights on, scream, and rip blankets off me while I was in a dead sleep. It’s been 10 years, I’m married to a good man (a good man, savannah!), with two more kids and I still have panic attacks if I’m woken too abruptly. I hallucinated all the time and got into multiple car wrecks from pure exhaustion. 10 hours of sleep for a full working week will do that to you.
I say this firmly but gently. Leave him. Your life will only get better. This man intends to absolutely suck you dry and squeeze everything you have out of you. For your sake and your baby’s sake don’t let him.
I finally got the nerve to leave when I watched him play with our little girl and I realized this is what she’s going to grow up believing love is. And I want so, so much more than that for her. So I decided to model it and I left that night.
Please, please reach out if you need someone to talk to. I really do understand what you’re going through and it’s terrifying.
Your husband doesn’t see you as a human being. He sees you as a servant.
Hey, so I did this, and then I legitimately went insane. Our kids were in elementary school when I was fired from my job due to office closures. We talked it over and decided we could afford for me to go back to school, if we were careful with money.
Life happens though, and soon enough I needed to pick up a job. More life happened quickly, and I had to get a second job. That meant I was going to school full time, working two part time jobs, and doing 99% of the housework and child rearing, because my husband traveled for work.
As it does, life happened once again, and everything came crashing down. My health took a nosedive—I needed surgery, and I never fully recovered after. I took a semester off, but was still doing all the rest with two jobs and three kids.
Then my mental health deteriorated quickly and severely, which left me bed bound for months. I dropped out of college completely, quit both my jobs, and failed completely as a parent.
I was just starting to get better in 2020, and then the world shut down. I lost my most recent job, and my mental health plummeted again.
It’s been a long time since my “breakdown” and I’m still not ok. I resent myself for not being stronger, even though I was carrying far more than my body would allow. I still spend the occasional day hiding in bed, wishing I was a better person for my family.
I’m unemployed, and frankly, unemployable. We can’t afford treatments for my mental or physical issues, and I can’t work unless I get those sorted. Putting too much on my plate broke me, and I don’t know that I’ll ever recover.
Don’t do it.
We all have the same 24 hours. Being married with kids is a management position, 10pm-6am is a full time position, and taking care of yourself is a full time position (eating/showering/dressing might be able to be multitasked with other things but sleeping cannot be). You don’t have time and he already needs to step it up to help you. Maybe he is worried about you resenting him because you can’t be in school right now? Hopefully once the preschool program passes and you can leave the night job, classes might be possible?
Uhhh sure.. I worked full time and did full time night school—WHEN I HAD NO KIDS! He is asking the impossible. And the minute hes not getting laid because you’re exhausted, the house has laundry on the floor or dishes in the sink, he’ll be complain about what a terrible mom you are.
Why doesn’t he Uber at night? Task Rabbit? Do gig work to help out?
Easier life as a single mom at this point. At least you wont have to pick up his shit and be verbally abused by this asshole masquerading as a husband
No disrespect but your husband is an idiot. Why don’t you tell your husband that while you’re at work he should be doing the cleaning, laundry, and prepping dinner for the next day and when you get home at 6AM. The kids should be ready to go to school so he can drop them off at the preschool program on his way to work because you need to go right to bed. You can then use those extra hours to go to school.
You might want to point out to your husband that “lots of people” – both male and female – share parental and household responsibilities.
Why do you need the husband?
Those who go to school and work full time WITHOUT kids burn out. Not only that, you are a military family without support compared to the average person. As a military spouse of 11 yrs this is extremely unfair to you and unrealistic from your active duty partner.
The chances this dude has a new pickup truck or Dodge charger while his family struggles to make ends meet are almost 100%.
Tell your husband almost no-one works fulltime (40 hrs a week) while going to college full time (around 40hrs a week commitment). Add in 60 hours a week for the kids. Thats 140 hrs. That leaves 28 hours for rest/sleep or 3-4 hours a night. Thats not sustainable at all. I bet less than 5% of college students work full time while doing school full time. And thats not including having kids. If you add in kids I bet the number would be around 0.001%
This is the 5th Reddit post of today describing a shitty husband who has zero issues letting their wives work 24/7 at home and at work while they themselves go to work, have their meals served and then have plenty of time to relax.
Personally I think you’re barely getting enough sleep to function right now. Maybe when they’re both in public school you can drop to half time and take some classes. If you’re in the US you could look into western governors or something similar to really knock out the classes quickly. My husband worked with a guy who did a full bachelors in CS in a year that way during covid.
Your husband is an asshole. Let him take care for the kids for one week while he works full time and then tell him that he should also go to school besides that. And tell him that there are many other people that manage to do that so it cant be that big of a deal.
i went to school full time (masters degree) and worked full time simultaneously. wanna know how i did it? by not having kids, taking online asynchronous classes, and doing a lot of my homework while at my job (boss approved). things that don’t seem possible for you
This is why you don’t marry as teenagers 😭
Have you run your numbers through FAFSA? Could you get enough financial aid for school that you wouldn’t need to work?
I’ve worked grave yard schedule with small children and it’s brutal. I’ve worked full time and gone to school full time with grown kids and a supportive husband and it’s a lot. Doing it all is just not doable.
He’s being completely unreasonable. Childcare is for both parents, not just one. It’s not the 15th century.
So who cooks and cleans and does groceries? I feel like I already know the answer. Absolutely not okay
If you are in the US and your husband is still on active duty, go to FAMILY SERVICES. They will help you move on base, get a job on base, get subsidized child care and possibly find on base college.
your husband is a lazy bum. he needs to do more
Can you stop working and go back to school after you child gets out of preK? Your husband could get 2nd job working nights if bills are still unmanageable? Then he can quit his 2nd job after you’ve started your new career. Are you looking at trade school which may also be available in community college? Make sure you study and build career where AI will not cause job to go away.
Your husband sounds very out of touch and without empathy or care for you. Is he a sociopath or something?
Tell your husband to pull his ass out of his head and grow up. You can’t physically work 3 jobs. What does he do? At a minimum 1 job? He needs to pick up the slack or you minas well be a single mom.
The lack of sleep alone is a danger to yourself and your children. Driving while sleep deprived can impair you significantly, and there are untold long term effects you have to account for as well. This is unsustainable.
Stop letting your husband boss you around. Sometimes military members want to bark out orders at home. I am married to a former Air Force officer, and I’ve experienced it firsthand when he was on base all day then would come home and want to take charge. You have to tell them there isn’t a chain of command in a marriage. Stand up for yourself.
Serious question: Is he even nice to you? Statistically it’s proven that married women live shorter, and married men live longer. That’s what this is love, I’m very sorry
I can’t say this podcast will give you answers about your specific situation but it might open your eyes to the bigger picture, and THAT might help give you some perspective on what to do, and potentially seek out help. I agree with what others are saying – don’t put up with this. Call the GI Rights hotline too and see if they can direct you to resources for military families 1-877-447-4487. The people who staff this hotline are incredibly professional and knowledgeable and nice.
Class Composition of the US military
Does he secretly hate you ?! Bcoz am not seeing the car for you from him. It’s only about what you can do for him & the family.
There are some asynchronous classes that meet only a few times on the weekends for long days. I think you could maybe do one class like this at a time, provided he does all the childcare in the evenings and weekends when you’re doing your school.
His suggestion is so untenable to be delusional. You need sleep. If he’s so tough he doesn’t, he can get a second job.
So advice: tell him “no.” Sit down together to reevaluate the marital budget. Then on your own do a child support calculator, and talk to whoever on base to see about support for divorce.
I’m sorry but your husband sucks.
Please leave your shitty husband.
He wants a bang maid mommy and he wants to be as free as possible.
You are already a single mom. Just file the paperwork, get 50/50 custody, and if you want to be in a relationship, find someone who respects you.
Your husband sounds like he doesn’t like you. He also sounds like he doesn’t value parenting or how much work that actually is.
Homie needs a reality check.
Inform him that “Student” and “Full-time employee” are not your MOS and you will need to attend AIT for either change, which will require him to requisition additional personnel to cover the several months you will be MIA from regular operations. If he balks, tell him that he can feel free to raise the issue up the chain of command, but that without proper resources his request will be denied until further notice.
If he says he wants to raise it up the chain of command, go get his CO to chew his ass out for being a shitheel. Because I bet they’ll do it.
Go talk to his command. They taught him how to clean, zero excuses he can’t pull his weight.
This is beyond unhealthy. What is your husband doing with regards to childcare? You’re barely budgeting 6 hours a day for sleep, which means you’d regularly get less than that. You’re going to make yourself sick trying to kowtow to your demanding husband.
Sure, tons of people work and school full time. I’ve done it. You know what I wasn’t doing at the same time? Taking near-full responsibility for two small children.
If you can’t make him understand how unreasonable this is on your own, it’s time for couples counseling (by a THERAPIST, not a chaplain).
Sorry your husband has no empathy and is a pos.
I heard something that put this concept to bed. Either it’s easy, in which case he should have no problem helping, or it’s hard in which case he should give you a break.
Just let him read this thread at this point… what’s the point of him even being there? He’s failing as a partner and a father.
Husband sounds like a deadbeat.
If you are gunna be a single parent either way, you might as well ditch the adult child. Less work.
You need to look for a job either the preschool so your kid can go for reduced pay or look for one at a private school (admin?) so they can both come with you and get tuition break. Some of these situations offer free tuition. Your husband is a POS btw.
“there are lots of people that work full time and go to school full time, you can make it work”
These are typically people with older children and/or more support.
You cannot do this. Don’t let this spoiled, lazy bastard gaslight you into thinking you have it easy. You get 6 hours of consecutive sleep per day, and you work a night shift. Do you understand how unhealthy that is?
Meanwhile he works a normal 9-5 and the kids go to bed 2 hours after he’s home. Where is his evening shift, then? Where’s his weekend job? You’re juggling 3 things and he is juggling, what? His own nutsack while he sits on the couch not helping?
There is no universe where you make this work. There is a universe where you attempt it, and develop a health condition and severe, irreparable resentment towards your husband that leads to a divorce.
Put your foot down. He doesn’t get to force this on you. No is a complete sentence.
This post makes me so depressed. I really hope it’s fake, but it probably isn’t. OP, your husband is an absolute asshole. Maybe you need to find a part-time job during “mothers’ hours” that will cover the cost of Pre-K for the coming year. I think it’s too soon to pursue full-time employment, and definitely not coupled with college. Maybe you could take a night class or two with a part-time job? Or he needs to get some side work to keep up with bills.
You can dump him now or you can keep whining and eventually dump him later.
You’d literally be better off as a single parent. You’d probably qualify for assistance without his deadbeat ass dragging you down.
Your husband needs to start being a husband/ father. Those are his children. There’s lots of people who work full time and go to school full time and they either don’t have children, or they have a spouse who helps. Maybe he needs a second job since the first one isn’t paying enough.
First thing to say is that you are doing a tremendous and unfair amount of work as it is – working a night-shift job AND taking care of the family. Your husband is barely contributing.
I suspect your husband is practising some psychological manipulation here by setting impossible expectations so you don’t realise how terribly overloaded you already are, even without going to school.
Forget school, even what you’re currently doing is neither tenable nor fair.
You’re not being unreasonable, you’re doing the math. A full-time night shift plus all drop-offs, pickups, dinner, baths, and house work leaves no safe sleep window, so full-time school on top is impossible. Set a boundary: you can work or you can do school, not both, unless he takes a real share of mornings, pickups, dinner, and bedtime or you add paid childcare. Make a short-term plan to catch up on bills, then revisit part-time or online classes next term when support or subsidies change. If he won’t share the load, that’s a partnership issue, not a time-management one.
For your mental health, I suggest you divorce this man. Take child support money so you can survive because you are basically a single mother now. Might as well get child support while your at it.
Um, I’d leave him and find someone who appreciates you, the kids, and willing to help you. This guy is not it.
A lot of this advice is coming from a general POV, so I will give a military POV.
I know it varies a lot by career field, but when my spouse was active duty, their shop worked hard to accommodate parents, especially if their spouse had a job. Usually you had some who came in early and left early to pick up kids from school or came in late and stayed late so they could do drop-off. I know some career fields are less flexible, like security forces and MX, but it sounds like he works office hours and not 12’s. Is there a key spouse in his squadron you could talk to? They may be able to guide you on what is normal for his command and shop, and then you should sit down with a mediator and work things out – I suggest a nice chaplain or finding a couples counselor through Military One Source – both are completely free and completely confidential as long as nobody is a threat to themselves or others.
In addition, I believe Military 1 Source has a lot of resources for military spouses looking to go to school or find a job. Definitely look at their programs once things are stable enough that you want to go back to school and see if they have anything that can help you.
No is a complete sentence. Don’t entertain crazy.
If you’re a full-time parent, you might as well just get divorced.
This man is out of his mind. And I wonder why he suddenly expects all of this of you. Does he need you out of the house more so he has more time to bring an affair partner over to the house?