I’ve been dating this guy for a while now, and things are mostly good between us. The only issue is there’s this girl who has been into him for years. Everyone around him knows it too. She’s always texting him, commenting on his posts, inviting him out, and being a little too flirty when I’m around.
He keeps telling me they’re just friends and that I have nothing to worry about, but it doesn’t feel that simple. The way he doesn’t set clear boundaries makes me wonder if he secretly enjoys the attention.
It’s starting to get under my skin because if he chose to be with me, I don’t understand why he can’t make it clear to her that there’s no chance. To me, letting her stick around without rejecting her outright just gives her false hope, and it makes me question what we really have.
I don’t want to sound insecure, but I also don’t want to ignore a situation that feels off. Should I bring it up more seriously, or should I just trust him and hope she eventually backs off?
Comments
She’s not just a friend. You need a new man or he needs to grow tf up. I’m 26M and engaged. I had something similar come up with me and my fiancée expressed her discomfort bc of the friends actions and boom hoe was blocked. This also happened early in our relationship; with the SAME girl. She came back around the first time to try and sabotage, two years later came back for the engagement party (she was a family friend) and she tried to sabotage that too.
since he won’t do anything about it it it’s on you weather you can stand it.
He absolutely enjoys the attention. He’s making his decision and he is choosing flirty girl over you. Now you have to make your next decision with that in mind.
Not choosing is also a choice. And he’s not choosing to tell her ‘no’.
Dump him. Why are you wasting your time?
>Should I bring it up more seriously,
The more you bring it up the closer you push him towards her.
>if he chose to be with me, I don’t understand why he can’t make it clear to her that there’s no chance.
Do you think that will make her stop? If she has no chance I’m sure he’s already told her that yet she is persistent.
Nope out, easy as that.
My Fiancé also had a girl like that hanging around & the moment we got together, he completely threw her out of his life, the moment she didn’t react at least a bit positively that he has found happiness.
He’s also still friends with one particular ex, I don’t care we get along well & he also bonded with one of my exes that I still consider a friend.
I don’t want to be too judgmental about a situation with such little information, but trying to determine who your partner is allowed to talk to or hang out with sounds like controlling and manipulative behavior. You’re deciding that they can’t just be friends? Do you think he’s going to cheat on you?
This dude loves the attention and he encourages it. If you’re with someone and don’t feel you can trust them, why are you with them? Healthy relationships demand trust on both sides. You don’t have that. Seek therapy to learn to set healthy boundaries without being a controlling shrew and a new bf after you do the work on yourself get over the insecurities. Jealousy is the most destructive emotion for relationships.
You clearly know what you have to do, so do it
This is a very popular BOT post. New account. Formula matches countless other posts. AI generated. The commen reddit advice is always to break up so: break up.
Your bf strings this girl along for an ego-boost.
I would not say your bf is a particularly kind man.
Yeah, I’d jump ship for sure. Especially if this is still a new relationship, not worth the headache and ripple effect.
And don’t even make it about his ‘refusal to set clear boundaries’, frame it in a way that takes a “it’s not you, it’s me” framing to avoid the back and forth. Then he has to sit there and realise he lost a potential relationship because he would rather entertain his ego being stroked
“Hey, I know you said X is not a problem and just a friend but I still find myself uneasy about everything, I don’t want to find myself consumed by negativity and questioning where I stand. Further impacting our relationship, You should be free to maintain your friendships accordingly I just think we’re misaligned on this particular position/value and I’d rather we serve ties before any ill feelings emerge. I’m sure you understand 😊”, something along those lines.
As a guy, I would absolutely distance myself from anyone who made my wife uncomfortable. That being said, before we started dating we had a discussion about exactly which relationships I intended to keep and at what level of closeness and which relationships she intended to keep and at what level of closeness to determine our compatibility in the first place. We also talked about exactly how we would deal with these issues going forward to determine our compatibility.
What I’m getting at here is that you guys either agree on it without forcing the other to act differently or you don’t, and that’s a measure of compatibility. If you’re forcing the other to change what they want in their life it just leads to resentment and likely doesn’t work long term.
This is such shitty behavior on his part, and it’s clearly purposeful. Whether he likes the attention or is into her, we won’t know. All you can do is set a boundary and decide if you want to continue to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t listen to or care about your concerns.
Sounds narcissistic… he needs to choose you or you need to be done and move on .. with her in the picture still he hasn’t chosen anyone
If i can just speak on this from a man’s perspective, I would never be so oblivious to this as being “friendly.” And trust me, i’m super oblivious. I don’t know anything about you, but I can promise you, this isn’t an insecurity, it’s a real boundary you should have in any relationship. You don’t spend time or allow someone who is very obviously in love with you to be a big part of your life stick around when you start dating someone. He probably does enjoy the attention (so does everyone) but if he just wants attention, you should leave him, because your value as a person is far greater than just giving someone attention.
Without knowing anything about your relationship or either of you, I’d at least talk to him about how it makes you feel and not back down from it. Stand up for yourself. If he cares for you/loves you, he will set the boundary. If he doesn’t, you’re probably not that important to him and therefore this relationship isn’t the best for you (which you deserve)
If they’re in the same friend group and he’s been in that group for a while then maybe you are being a little insecure about it? I’m just saying… If she keeps trying and keeps getting denied. And you’re very much the official girlfriend then it sounds like he keeps her around as a friend and you are the one he’s going with.
These comments seem like angry Redditors.
You should first determine how big of a deal this is to you. If he was to reject your serious pleas to cut her off would you break up with him? If so, then you should just be upfront how much this affects you. Not in a threatening g way, just a direct way. If it’s not a deal breaker then I guess you can ask him and hope for the best.
Also aside from him enjoying the attention and is a red flag.
Theres a lot of women who try to steal other ladies men.
My buddy was in a relationship with a girl who loved to cheat with other cheaters. Sucks because she didnt care if she was destroying families.
Good riddance to all of them
And he’s not going to. This is an ego boost for him. He has probably been stringing her along for years.
But just being unwilling to cut her off and/or be honest with her means that he’s the problem.
“I don’t want to sound insecure”
But you are insecure and THAT IS OKAY. Who would be “secure” in a situation like this? Someone who is absolutely denying their feelings and the understanding of basic human emotions, that’s who.
It is unacceptable and it’s very common for younger women to think they have to be ‘cool’ with things like this. No. It’s inappropriate. The guy needs to grow up and realize he likes the attention and he’s just leading this girl on. If he needs that to feel good then get out of there. At a certain point, when you are in a serious relationship with someone, you can A. Talk about how you truly feel and what makes you uncomfortable and be heard. B. Establish boundaries and follow them.
Girls and Guys do this a lot – play dumb when they know what they are doing is wrong. Then we wonder how we ended up cheated on….
Yes – it happened to me. I met a guy that had pined over a friend of his for years. Then he met me, we started dating and really hit it off. All of a sudden this girl that had friend-zoned him for years kept coming around. He always claimed they were just friends and that his crush on her was over but I knew he still liked her and now this new attention he was getting from her was nearly impossible for him to ignore. We broke up and guess who he started dating the second we did? I know it’s not the same thing but people always know when certain girl/guy relationships are more than just friends.
you should make it clear to him that’s she’s making you uncomfortable and he needs to cut her off if he wants to be with you, if you’ve already told him that and he’s still not cut her off then he doesn’t respect you and imo you shouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t even respect you.
Have you ever friend zoned a guy? Because he is friend zoning her.
That’s his future wife and you are the side chick. Best of both worlds for him. Trust me run now.
Date someone else. Sounds like he already is.
Have a conversation with him. If you already have, have the conversation with her. She’ll tell him about it, then you’ll know from how he reacts who he’s choosing as others have said.
Be with someone who doesn’t play games.
Funny how all of a sudden people recognize that it’s perfectly healthy to be uncomfortable with this when the genders are reversed.
>To me, letting her stick around without rejecting her outright just gives her false hope
Presumably shes an adult so she is fully aware he is not single, he is not giving her false hope, not sure why you are holding him accountable for her hopes, why does he have to make it crystal to her that there is no chance? He is dating you not her
Obv he enjoys the attention, but there isnt much wrong with having friends who are into you, unless you dont trust him, if she is flirting with him when you are around you should tell her that its disrespectful to you
I would suggest when bringing this up, make it about respect and how her attention makes you feel. Ultimately that’s what it’s about right? However I think it sounds harmless and you’re right, he chose you … not her. If anything it’s about cruel to the other woman by leading her on and not shutting it down. There is a way he can do this without crushing her. If she persists … this would also be a lack of respect on her behalf to you and your significant other and I would cut off ties completely.
Ew that’s immature of him. He ought to grow up and cut her off if her attention is flirty
What does setting clear boundaries look like to you?
He loves attention from her. Up to you if that’s a dealbreaker or not. He is not going to change.
Only Fans bot trying to get engagement for karma farming.
The problem is he won’t set clear boundaries. When I met my husband, there was a woman in his friend group from grad school who was in love with him. He didn’t want a relationship with her and we got together. He wouldn’t/couldn’t completely cut her off because they shared a friend group. Not seeing her meant he wouldn’t see his friends because she was always invited. We agreed they wouldn’t hang out one on one and he wouldn’t be regularly texting her outside of a group thread. She eventually started dating someone else after a few months, but she was never serious about him. I got the sense she was waiting to see how things panned out in my relationship, though why she’d wanna be second choice – idk. About six months after we got engaged, she dumped the boyfriend and a year later was dating her now husband that she was instantly serious about. Your bf needs to set clear boundaries with this girl if he can’t cut her out. If she’s just some random friend unconnected to anyone, she needs to go if he’s chosen you. He needs to respect your relationship.
he’s showing you who he is- that’s why you date: to find out if you are compatible. you can love someone and still not be a match
He might not cheat, but he’s def enjoying the ego boost.
My ex was the same. Then he started cheating while I was visiting my family for a month, they both never told me!
This one’s easy, you cut him off.
Why would you stick around being just one of his girlfriends?
“Just friends” shouldn’t feel like competition.
Screw that. He needs to set some boundaries and stop entertaining that behavior from her! I think your concerns are perfectly valid.
You should absolutely bring it up more seriously. It seems like its a dealbreaker for you, so you should set your boundary with him, the way you expect him to set his boundary with her.
Also I do agree that he definitely enjoys the attention and wants to keep her around for fun.
Why are you still with him?
You are not insecure, you are noticing a boundary he should handle. Tell him you need him to close that door clearly with a direct “I’m taken, please stop flirting,” keep chats public or group, and no one on one hangs. If he resists or minimizes, that is your answer. Believe actions over reassurance. You do not have to compete for your own relationship.
I had one of those. I wound up getting a restraining order. It was a friend for years and years. She met my wife. My wife liked her. She was dating and eventually married a guy the whole time we were friends.
Where it went wrong, her husband left her. We offered a ton of support. My wife invited her on a long weekend to Nashville with us about 6 months post divorcesettlement. After a long night on boradway, a bunch of bars and a fun night, my wife invited her back to the room thinking it would be a good idea. A few days later she texted me saying I was her “one” for years and has been waiting and waiting to be with me. My wife said we should have a long talk with her. 4 years later and she was still showing up where we were, or where I was. She started dating guys to get access to the installation i worked on to look for me. We both went to the police and she was served with the order. Its been silent ever since. Telling her there was no chance of a life together sent her over the edge and i wish i had just slowly cut her off while making her realize it wasnt worth the effort.
Your boyfriend seems to have her waiting on the side as a backup.
Why does all of Reddit hate opposite sex friends?!? These comments in this post, and others I’ve read in the two weeks since reading more on Reddit, are insane.
Has everyone on Reddit been cheated on? Who hurt you all?
I’m not dropping a friend for an insecure significant other. And I would never expect anyone else do the same for me.
The likelihood of a friendship lasting years or a lifetime is much higher than spending that much time with a significant other. Usually that happens with just one or two people in a lifetime. But life can be full of friends.
Just trust him till he gives you an actual reason not to. And yes, he probably dos enjoy the attention, but that doesn’t mean he enjoys it romantically. I also like the attention I get from my same sex friends.
Everyone needs to be more open to friendships and stop seeing so much hate in the world.
Im sure they’re at least sleeping together !
He’s not the one. Move along.
How can you possibly trust someone who can’t set and keep any boundaries?
He wants to/plans on sleeping with her
If she keeps getting access, he’s choosing attention over you
I‘m someone that usually defends male-female friendships. I have some and it works. But it’s seriously a problem, if your partner keeps a friend that is really flirting (not just you being afraid that it might be).
The moment one of my friends would declare his feelings to me, the friendship would be to 90% over. Maybe it isn’t so clear-cut for your bf, bc she didn’t declare them openly. But he isn’t blind. If a friend flirted with me, I would first subtly and then directly make it clear that these boundaries aren’t to be crossed and to stop
So, no, you aren’t overreacting