Let me start of by saying my husband is a wonderful man and an even better husband/father. We’re just in a weird spot and I’m not sure if it’s just me or if my feelings are valid.
Lately, I’m becoming a little resentful of my husband’s healthy lifestyle and how its affecting his presence at home. He’s a former competitive bodybuilder and, while he doesn’t go as hard as he would during competition, he still maintains the dieting lifestyle and a gym presence.
We have 3 children ages 7, 1.5, and a newborn. I’ve just recently given birth to our newest addition to the family, it’s the middle of summer so our 7 year old is home, and our 1.5 year olds daycare unexpectedly permanently closed and all other daycares are much more expensive and have waiting lists. That means all 3 children have been home with me. That’s fine. I love them. I’m their mom. It’s my job. However, my husband doesn’t get paternity leave so he only took 1 week off meaning its ALL been on me.
Now, let’s get into the issues.
No. 1) Since my husband maintains his healthy lifestyle he maintains a specific diet (veggies, carbs, lean meats). He uses a food scale to portion out each item so he can ensure it all fits into his macros for the day. He doesn’t like for me to cook for him because he doesn’t know what ingredients his food was cooked in and he doesnt know that I portioned everything out correctly. This means when he is home he spends hours in the kitchen meal prepping. This also means that he always eats a separate meal from the rest of the family. Which sets a bad example when we try to teach the kids to eat the food their served. And it means when we try to enjoy a meal out or dessert as a family he either brings his own meals (awkward in a restaurant), doesn’t partake in the meal, or has food guilt the next day.
No. 2) He goes to the gym everyday. And yes, while I know this is a very good, very healthy practice, it significantly extends the amount of time that he is gone during the day. I’m on my own with the kids, on average, 10-12 hours 5 days a week. More that that if he picks up extra shifts or works doubles. Mind you, I just recently gave birth, am recovering, and adjusting to having 3 kids. Since he is gone pretty much all day every day this means we only get a few hours together during the work week, hes exhausted, and he has to spend his off days playing catch up. Aka, meal prepping, cutting grass, etc. He literally had to drink an energy drink at 5PM so he could portion out meals (really irritated me since he gets to sleep uninterrupted at night — selfish of me since im home and hes working, I know, but still irritating). Playing catchup on the weekends means I’m alone with the kids. Again. I love them, but I need a break here and there too. I’m no good to them as a tured, burned out mom.
No. 3) The supplements. Oh. My. God. THE SUPPLEMENTS. We aren’t made of money. Truthfully, we make just enough to get by. I’m even having to consider going from full time day shift to part time night shift work so that we can save money on daycare/after school care costs and more money will get brought home to pay bills. I dont wear makeup, I dont get my hair or nails done, and I dont buy new clothes very often. If the kids need new clothes we either buy them at a thrift shop because its cheap. But he can pay for a monthly supplement thats $65. AND THATS JUST ONE. He takes multiple. Not including the daily protein shakes.
Maybe I’m being selfish. Maybe I’m tired. Maybe I’m struggling with a loss of identity. Idk. He said he feels like im not being supportive of his health journey. He doesnt want to be miserable and fat (hes not fat, he has a fit dad bod, but the thinks hes fat). And fitness is his passion, he wants to open a business around it some day. And I love him. I want to see him healthy. I want him to be happy. I want to support my husband but… it feels like its coming first. If we are struggling financially, stop with the supplements and the shakes. If our family life, and personal relationship is being affected by your absence, cut out some of the gym trips and go on family walks with us, put the toddler on your back and do some squats, toss the 7 year old around some. Its quality family time and you’re still moving your body. If we barely see you now, while I’m on maternity leave and not working at all, how much worse will it get when I go back to work? Will he even be there to let me rest if ive worked all night and have to watch the kids the next day? I’ve told him that im not happy with where our relationship is right now. Im taking care of the kids, making sure the house is clean, food is cooked, his work clothes are ready, but who takes care of me? When’s the last time we focused on each other aside from a few minutes of TV before bed when we should really just be asleep. I told him that since we never see each other its causing resentment that he goes to the gym instead of coming home, being a little bit more of a partner, and trying to get our relationship back to a better place. And since we’re not very well off and have goals that were trying to reach im resentful that he spends money on supplements when I dont even get to buy clothes that fit postpartum. I dont get to have hobbies or things I like, i dont get to have hours to myself, I dont get to put myself first, but he doesnt bat an eye.
AITAH for being upset with him? Honestly, I feel like im getting resentful at this point and it makes me worried for us if these feelings continue.
Comments
Certifiably NTA, it’s a tough spot to be in, and clearly you’ve extended a ton of patience and grace while managing it all. Have you tried having a conversation with him about it yet?
I mean, what does he say when you tell him all of those things? Like, clearly you’re NTA but you’re absolutely the asshole to yourself if he blew you off and you’re not just leaving.
INFO: how have your conversations on this topic gone? Have you expressed the concerns above? If you haven’t, then why not? If you have, then what’s going on that nothing has changed?
NTA. To me it seems like he’s doing everything to avoid being a father. My ex’a dad is a body builder yet he made time for his kids and to help with his wife. So your husband has no excuse. Especially with you just giving birth he’s purposely avoiding his responsibility as a father. This is intentional. You are a married single mother and honestly your best bet is to divorce him. He’s not oblivious to it and you can want to do couples therapy but honestly it’s pointless bc what he’s doing is intentional and sick asd
NTA. He has to understand that having kids means he has to be present and help. It sounds like a lot of this is put on you and he isn’t really there or helping. There were a lot of sentences where you wrote things that you had to give up or change for the kids but nothing for him to do?
Also, he sounds like he could have an unhealthy relationship with food and body image. To the extent that he should possibly seek therapy with someone who specializes in this area.
So here are some thoughts, why doesn’t he trust you to cook for him? That doesn’t seem right. But a compromise may be that he takes one day and cooks his meals for the week. So that way, he isn’t in the kitchen for hours every day. One day to make them all so they are ready when he comes home.
I agree about him not disappearing to the gym everyday, there are family fun workouts he can do at home. He can get the kids involved, bonding and healthy!
You sound stress and over extended. And the number one question, have you calmly sat down and talked to him about this? You need some time to yourself and need him to be your partner and help you.
I hope this helps!
I’m gonna jump to couple counseling because he needs someone else to confirm that this isnt sustainable.
The conversation is pretty fresh. It took me a few days to make sure I wasnt just having postpartum mood swings or something. He definitely tried to focus more on the kids after I told him they’ve missed him since he’s been busy even when he’s home. He admitted he just doesnt really know how to manage it all. I told him work and family comes first, its okay to let fitness slide for a bit but he said hes not willing to be miserable and fat. I get that its a valid fear, but im not asking for forever. I think hes just wrestling with the provider pressure most men deal with. Hes amazing when hes present. He will play with the kids, cook meals for us if I havent had the chance, he will cook a craving for me after the kids are down. He’s just barely been here and I guess im taking it out on the fitness. Its the one thing that he can drop for a while and just focus on us while we navigate a huge life change. But hes not really willing to and I dont know how else to fix the weirdness happening right now.
I’m a gym rat (girl). I sacrifice on days we have a lot to get done, and don’t think he’s just more disciplined I once went 7 years without skipping the gym.
If he spends money you spend money. Get your hair done.
YTA. Feel free to give him up to someone who will emotionally support his healthy lifestyle. You knew what he was when you married him. Now you don’t have the energy to take care of yourself and instead, find every reason to complain. Stop having babies if you can’t handle being a SAHM.
Imagine how he would feel if he read what you wrote about him?
NTA have you ever heard of orthorexia or compulsive exercise?
“Orthorexia is a lesser known eating disorder that involves fixation or obsession about eating “healthy,” and can be all-consuming. This intense drive to eat and live perfectly (like “clean eating,” or extreme discipline in lifestyle) typically occupies your mind space, interferes in your relationships, gets priority over work or school or family, and generally causes a lot of anxiety and distress.
Compulsive exercise often goes hand-in-hand with Orthorexia because individuals with Orthorexia may feel a need to “burn off” any calories they perceive as unhealthy or to “earn” the right to eat certain foods. This can lead to excessive exercise that may be detrimental to physical, psychological, and emotional health.”
Nta. He’s as much a parent as you are so he needs to be doing his share and right now with a newborn your postpartum so he needs to be there for you
Not the asshole. You’re exhausted, unsupported, and your needs matter too. Wanting balance and helps selfish it’s necessary
I get where he’s coming from. It’s a lifestyle. An expensive one at times, but if he’s no longer competing or earning money doing those things, then he could probably tone it down a bit. Tell him his body dysmorphia is getting to be ridiculous lol. It’s one thing to be healthy and active, but then there’s just… THOSE people. Again, if he’s not making money being fit and fabulous, he can maybe give you some more of his time.
This sounds like Kate and Toby from tjis is us
Y’all need therapy stat!
Definitely NTA, it sounds like he’s really neglecting you and his kids in this situation. To make these choices as a single person is totally fine (maybe fine with a touch of orthorexia, but I’m not his therapist. I would guess he needs a therapist though.) Allocating your money and time like this when your partner JUST had a baby and you have two other young kids at home is just so self-centered.
NTAH. He’s desperately trying to avoid any responsibility and putting all of the work on you. Why does he get so much ‘me’ time? You guys have 3 young kids. Was he always like this?
Doesn’t matter. Your needs matter. Your needs are not being met. And sounds like he’s not being any sort of partner or father the
Really simply: in a successful relationship, it takes compromise from BOTH parties.
He is showing you as well as telling you that he does not want to compromise.
This needs attention by a therapist.
He has 24 hours in a day, just like everyone else. If he can’t cut down his time at the gym, he needs to find the time from his other PERSONAL time, to contribute to the children, physically and financially (cut down his supplements) or he can look for a better paying job.
But he’s making it ALL YOUR PROBLEM.
Its sort of similar to weaponized incompetence.
NTA – your husband needs to learn to sacrifice and contribute. He can do that shit later.
Your husband is not a nice man. You think he is that’s it. He is selfish and lives in his own world. Why the hell did you have 3 kids with him? Did not you get an idea during the first and second kid? You are not a cow. Give him an ultimatum to get into therapy and contribute to family life. This is not a healthy dynamic.
I left a guy that was like this. We were financially strapped and he would not give up his hundreds of dollars of supplements. Honestly this sounds a bit obsessive to me. He needs to be able to prioritize his family for a while and understand he will not instantly turn “fat” if he gives time to his family. You need more help and support than he is giving at this moment.
NTA. He is prioritizing his body building over being with and providing for his family. I would be crushed.
I agree with all other comments but we both know counseling and divorce are super expensive and not what you really want – at least not at this time.
I’m hearing you are exhausted and need some “me time”. Yes he should get help for his obsession and be more frugal if you’re tight on $, but I think you and he need to sit down and really get to a place he can give you X hours a day – weekdays and weekends- for you to freaking relax and recharge! I don’t care if you drive and sleep in your car in a parking lot, or you make some extra $ dog walking or you go visit friends solo- more than anything else, you need a Break! And just because you are home on leave doesn’t meant you shouldn’t get this rest. Just because he is working doesn’t mean he deserves his “me time”. You ARE very much working too, just as much as he is.
We all know you aren’t getting as much sleep as he is. And when you are awake and watching 3 kids it’s mentally draining. I was so thrilled to go back to work after my kids went to daycare- it was so much more relaxing to work than be at home!!
If he won’t commit to just an hour a day and a few hours on the weekend, he’s basically telling you he comes first. And that’s shitty. His gym time and catching up doesn’t trump your catching up. Heck, what if you wanted to be in the gym? Maybe your bed or the nail salon is your gym 😉
I don’t care if he has his parents watch the kids while he cuts the grass and you go run errands, or he puts the baby and toddler in a playpen outside while he works out on the driveway. It’s his problem to figure out how to free up time for you.
And if you want to really be bold- don’t ask for the time, just leave. “Hey, tomorrow I’m meeting Mary for coffee, need you to watch the kids 6-8and get them ready for bed”. “Saturday I have errands to run, I am leaving at 11am”. And just go. He didn’t ask you for permission for his time, why should you need his permission?
Good luck, NTA.
NTA congratulations on the new baby! I’m sorry your husband is not being a good partner or father.
Health is important but not at the expense of yours and your family time.
Please talk to your husband about how you feel and explain that things can’t keep going the way they are.
Is it possible to use the money allocated for day care that you are not using to hire someone to help you during the day? Or are there any friends or family close by that could help you out?
What exactly does he do for you? How does he contribute to the family? This entire setup revolves around him, his hobbies and his happiness. What about you? What about the kids? Why is he even in this marriage? He’s nowhere to be seen. Where’s your “me” time? Where’s your time for hobbies? Where’s your budget for self care? Why doesn’t your health and happiness matter? This is all so lopsided. I’m so sorry OP. EVERYONE needs time to themselves. And time with each other. He’s making excuses. Someone who cares about you makes time for you. Someone who cares about their kids makes time for their kids. My husband works lots and lots of hours but he’s still present in our days. He’s still engaged in our activities (even if he’s not physically there). He still helps with chores.
Seems to me there are 2 issues – his body dysmorphia and his selfishness. He’s hyper focused on his body and ignoring his family. Sounds like a lonely and sad existence, for him and you. Something has to change. This won’t work long term without change. NTA
He, IN NO WAY SOUNDS LIKE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND/FATHER
😡🤬
Get a home gym. It’s been great for our family life balance.
NTA. And I’m here to give bad advice. Play the long game. Heal as much as possible for the rest of your maternity leave and let him do him (selfishly as he is now). As soon as you’re back to work, use your money to get your hair done, nails done, and new clothing, even buy yourself a nice push present, maybe a new purse — without considering the cost or other financial obligations. And keep doing it every time you get paid. When he brings up bills or unnecessary spending, tell him you needed these things for your mental health and wellbeing, you don’t want to be unkept and miserable. Then tell him to cut back on supplements when the bills are due. Obviously this is aggressive and will warrant an intervention. The discussion will become less about what will he do to better support your family, and switch to what will WE DO.
That is not, in fact, a healthy lifestyle. It might superficially appear to be, but it just isn’t.
Where are the grandparents? Please don’t say there’s no family nearby. If he won’t support you, you need to get support from others and often grandparents can be supportive and help with childcare. He should be asking his parents to help him watch the kids on the weekend and some weekday nights to give you a break. Where are your parents? Consider moving to be closer to family. You’re overwhelmed and if he won’t help….go to the help.
And no more babies. IUD now!
Damn!!!! Imagine not trusting your wife enough to cook your dinner even after you let her know about your exact specifications. And imagine being so freaking paranoid that one little thing might be the slightest bit off that you can’t even let her make a meal for you! Look, I used to be a gym rat and I understand that you need to eat a certain way if you want the right results, but I think he’s got a weird addiction thing. Or a control thing? Because if he doesn’t trust you to handle his food why did he marry you?
He trusts you to take care of the kids, but not him! He lets you feed the kids, but not him! HIS ood is too important to let you touch. I guess to hell with them kids? He thinks they don’t matter or something? I don’t know how you’re even speaking to him honestly.
He needs therapy of some sort. He does not need to do all of that if he’s not competing. In fact, he probably shouldn’t be doing even half of that if he’s not competing.
When do you get your daily amount of time to leave the house and do whatever you want? He gets to go to the gym, because that’s what he chooses to do! When do you get to go and do something else? That’s the problem! He gets to do anything he wants anytime he wants and never gives you the break that he expects to take.
Honestly, you’re the asshole for having the third kid. You knew this. You probably knew this after kid one and yet you continued to have children with him! So everybody sucks here because you let this get worse than it needed to be! You knew you were going to have to get away from this guy because he simply doesn’t give a damn about you or the kids. He doesn’t want to give you a break. He doesn’t want to quit buying stuff he can’t afford. And quite frankly he’s obsessed with himself. In an unhealthy way! And I’m telling you I’ve had a gym membership for over 30 years! I get it. But what he is doing is not normal. And I would bet money that he’s also juicing.
If he cared even the slightest bit about you and those kids, he would at least quit taking some of these expensive supplements so he could not work overtime and spend more time with the kids and you. But that never crossed his mind did it? Because he is the only important thing here and it doesn’t matter to him what happens when he’s not home. All that matters is that he gets to his first love which is the gym.
Lots of women feel like this, wives, girlfriends, etc. If it’s not the gym it’s something else. But what he is neglecting to understand is the big picture. And maybe somewhat for you too but you’re in the ring fighting everyday to make it through. He truly should be more concerned with being at home and helping more so than having his best bod and healthiest eating era ever. Maybe when the kids can go to Pre-K or school he could concentrate on himself more because kids that age become a little more independent. Not where you are running on very little sleep and insane with all the extra stuff like bottles, sanitizing, etc whatever it is. By then most of all the extra stuff is done.
I am a woman and got into the gym after my 3rd child because it was harder to go for walks with 3 or 2 kids at once than just 1. And when my husband came home I wanted to fly out the door and go work off some stress. But quickly realized that wasn’t a good time for the kids and he didn’t have any settle down time so he was quick to be frustrated. So then I would try to rush and cook dinner, get the kids settled down and bathed, etc and go later in the night. But then found that I couldn’t unwind because that’s just not a good time for me to work out where others can workout at 8 or 9 at night, come home and shower, clean up, and go to bed. So now that my 9 yr old and 3 yr old are in school and preK, I try to take the 1 yr old for walks when he doesn’t try to backbend out of the stroller. If he does some days I will try to walk for a little bit, if he’s content we go farther, if he’s not having it we play instead of going for a walk.
I haven’t taken off the chunk of weight I need to, to feel better (yet). But ik that day will come when they don’t really need me to be there as much. Or that they could also work out while I do. But I guess the really important part of this is as parents we really should be observing our children and monitoring whether our decisions are impacting them. And if you’re running around like crazy and overwhelmed, and not the mom you would like to be and dad is walking around whistling, not a care in the world besides taking care of himself above everyone else. That should be brought to his attention and if he chooses to change, great. If not, then if he’s not worried about the impact his decisions have on his kids and you…his addiction isn’t really different from most addicts in the aspect of selfishness. He definitely needs to compromise as always eating different than your family isn’t sustainable or happy (maybe he feels it is but if you and the children don’t feel that way then there is still a problem). And at the least he should be able to commit to adjusting his work out schedule to make it easier for you. Like a time or a schedule MWF and then you get the same amount of time TUES & THURS. whatever works for your household. I’ve seen women say when they’re fed up they will leave for the same amount of time as their other half and leave him with dinner and all the responsibility like they were left with. But idk if that’s really the answer, because whoever is there whether it’s mom or dad….and they are overwhelmed with responsibility and the kids want attention. Sometimes it makes you irritable or short with the kids and it’s not their fault. And when they’re young they don’t really understand. So they are the ones that suffer the most for adult problems.
I had the same feelings as him until i took shrooms loll. He needs to have an ego death and realize he’s a soul in a skin suit with a beautiful family he’s been blessed with and time is finite. Cool it on the supplements because they can actually be horrible for your liver, kidneys, etc. start intuitively eating (I’ve lost weight eventually from doing so) and be grateful for the short life you have and the short time your children will be young!
NTA. As someone who meal preps and weighs everything out you do not need to spend hours doing it. And a “cheat day” is completely normal. I don’t have kids but I do have two needy pets (including a senior dog who gets daily physical therapy). I work out most days. Takes me about an hour so nothing crazy. I optimize for what I’m aiming for. And some days I don’t work out.
I think what someone said was accurate… he needs therapy. And maybe he can cut back some supplements and begin to get a home gym.
Info: Why is he not cooking for you and the kids instead of just himself when meal prepping?
He doesn’t want to be miserable and fat. You don’t want to be miserable either.
How much time does he spend at the gym every day? Why can’t you get that amount of time to do with as you choose when he gets off of work? THEN he can go to the gym.
If he gets all this time to focus on himself (gym, meal prep etc) then you should get equal time to focus on yourself.
If he gets to spend X amount of dollars on himself (supplements) then you get to spend X amount of dollars on yourself (haircut, nails, massage etc.)
While things are never going to be 100% equal, your husband doesn’t get to prioritize himself over you and the kids all the time. There has to be compromise. He isn’t going to be fat if he works out a bit less, or if he cuts out a few supplements or eats the same meal as his family occasionally.
You are NTA and what you are describing is not sustainable. The resentments are going to build and eventually you won’t be able to overcome them.
Do you have a job that you will be returning to? I am not sure how old the baby is or when you would be returning to work.
Sorry to tell you, this is NOT a healthy lifestyle! It’s obsessive and terribly selfish. You’re NTA, and you should give him an ultimatum: Go to couple’s therapy, maybe individual therapy after that, cut back on his “Health Journey,” or be served with divorce papers. Your children need a father and you need a partner in parenting!
One question? Does he look at himself when walking by a mirror 😎
NTA and ALL of your feelings are valid and you sound like an amazing mom & wife!!!
I think the issue is not his healthy life style but his lack of consideration as a partner in term of emotional support, time spent and financial support. In other words, you can say that he is an extremely selfish person. Please write down all these and share with him and if he does not understand or make changes, then this relationship is not going to work long term. There are many ways to stay healthy and be inclusive and yet at the lowest cost possible. Most of the supplements are likely going to build his muscle, be muscular does not healthy. So instead of saying he wants to stay healthy, actually he wants to look good more.
He doesn’t sound like the best partner or “healthy”. He is doing these unhealthy habits in front of your kids. I need to exercise a lot for my mental health, but we found a gym with childcare that my kids love. That might help so he can atleast take the oldest 2. The food rules might required some therapy.
I think of what Michelle Obama said about men’s priorities. To generalize: with women the list of priorities goes:
Kids, husband, work, parents, ourself.
Men prioritize like this:
Themselves, work, kids, spouse, parents
See how fucked up that is??
Ignore it, maybe it will get better or maybe you’ll get postpartum psychosis.
Or! Tell him your gym schedule and expect him to watch his children. And ask him to make some of his meals for his kids and you since it’s so healthy, don’t you guys deserve that, too??
Carve time and attention from him out of his day like an ice cream scoop.
((He’s still living like he’s single btw)))
I’m gonna venture to say this guy has a serious eating/food/weight disorder.
Anything that takes over your life can be a problem. He lives like a single man.
My second question is why the hell did you marry him knowing this-let alone have kids X 3 with him? Seriously, what the hell were you thinking?
Do you guys ever talk? I mean clearly enough to make three children that are 100% your problem.
You’re a single mom. Might as well make it official. At least you’d get some time off during his custody time. I mean, he’s made it pretty easy. What a self involved ass.
He probably has a bit of body dismorphia (sp?). He needs to realize he’s going too hard on the lifestyle while ignoring the needs of the family.
Family should come first (including his wife). Its great to be healthy and fit and i’m all for it. but as she suggested, there are ways to be healthy while interacting with the family. He also needs to dial back on the supplementation when things are tight financially. Even if he’s hitting the gym 3-5 times a week and skipping the supplements, he will still have put in the work. Supplements do help to some degree but its the hard work and nutrition that really lifts a body builder.
Ask him how he’s going to function if you leave and he gets one week on, one week off custody. Let that sink in, and don’t discuss it for a whole week. Then get back to him and ask him what he came up with.
Anyone who says NTA is an idiot. This is who he is. He has always been this way, if not probably more extreme in the past. Yet you choose to accept it then. You chose to marry someone who puts the gym first. This is who he is. Now all of a sudden you want to be upset with him for doing what he has always done? YTA
He sounds like a detached imbecile.
Children are purpose. Children are lineage. Children are the future.
His values are misaligned/idiotic, worrying about macros if he isn’t competing. What a clown.. and how insulting is it to your intelligence for him to say he doesn’t want you to cook because he doesn’t know what’s in it. Freak. She can list it out the first time and then you know. And you only eat 14 different meals or less than that and they’re all basic as fuck. Oh, mct oil with your coffee is it ? Ugh
I wish I had a partner like you. I love attentive and dedicated p
Mother’s/women. It’s so attractive.
Just tell him what’s up. Pussy power. Logic should reason his ideology
If he were the SAHD and you the bodybuilding mom, ignoring your family for the sake of your hobbies, the internet would have words for you. Counseling time.
If he can’t enjoy a meal or a dessert with his family because counting macros calories and what not and is at the gym almost everyday and is constant fear of being fat it sounds more like an eating and self image disorder ??? At this point in lifer where you guys just had an addition to the family his priority should definitely be there and not meal planning, counting weighting every meal while you’re overload and still recovering from birth.
NTA. Others have already given better advice than I ever could, but I have a question I’m hoping someone can answer. If he’s eating so healthy, why does he need supplements?
You are a married single mother.
When is his recovery day?
As someone who is fat and miserable (according to your husband) 🤣 (lol) I take going to the gym as a hobby and time for myself. Yes I’m fat, yes I’ve lost more than 20 pounds. However I only have 1 baby who is 10 months old but if I was in your situation I would be pissed as fvck because sometimes I loose my sh!t with just 1 baby, what about 3 and a newborn specifically. I feel sorry for you because he’s not willing to sacrifice himself for your family. Your resentment towards him would grow eventually.
I couldn’t get passed –
We teach to eat the food that is served-
He’s a very SELFISH and SELF SERVING MAN…
NTA. He can very well go to the gym and prep his stupid meals after your kids go to bed. Dumb ass.
Sounds like he’s not supportive of your parenting journey
“Wonderful man and even better husband/father.” This guy barely does either. ESH. Quit having babies with a piece of shit and expecting different results.
NTA.
He’s a selfish, self absorbed, ass. Who puts himself and HIS WANTS ahead of his whole family.
Good luck to you.
Not a chance i could be married to him. Not a chance.
YTA: hear me out. You married the guy for who he was and the work he put into himself. Its not new. Now, your trying to shame him for… continuing to take care of himself. Sounds to me like you are so focused on yourself that you resent him because he has been able to maintain himself. Basically projecting your internal resentment that you cant keep up onto him, and thats not fair to either of you.
What do you want? Do you want him to give up the gym, get fat, stop making extra money? For what? So yall can be miserable together? I think you need to have a conversation about delineation of responsibilities and expectations, rather than than hate on the boy for the grind that got him to where he is.
Is the same as the stories we see on Reddit of people who marry workaholics who then become successful, make a ton of money, but then continue to work like crazy. I think for most men, the goal is not the destination, the goal is the journey and the self mastery required to get there. People dont stop climbing because they summit Everest, or stop racing after becoming champion. They keep doing that thing that allows them to master themselves.
You are not being selfish. He is a parent and a husband and is not putting in the action. And stop having the children of a man who is letting you drown.
it’s not a healthy lifestyle if it has a negative impact on your loved ones.
it’s common and expected that dads will experience a temporary decline in fitness when small children are on the scene.
it’s insane that you’re budgeting for household things and he’s still getting supplements.
that isn’t healthy, it’s obsessive. it’s called “orthorexia” ie the health-focused version of anorexia, and it takes many forms, but for men in particular it looks like this. Understanding it as an obsessive compulsive behaviour will help you understand why he can’t simply cut it out because it makes logical sense. He likely needs some other form of support to come to the realization that this actually isn’t healthy.
I would suggest you book with a couple’s therapist and go by yourself for the first session and explain the situation and see what they say and how to approach your husband with it, whether he agrees to attend joint sessions or not. This isn’t something a wife can simply say “dude, wtf?” and fix.
Hopefully with some patience and a bit of time he’ll come to understand he needs to let a lot of this obsession go, and learn to live with and accept the changes he’s going to see in his body. It’s going to be hard, but if he can really understand that his valuing his physical body optimization over time and experiences with his family, he’ll make the right decision and work on getting the support he needs to make that change.
NTA. I go to a gym where a decent portion of patrons are getting really serious with their fitness – training for marathons, triathlons and Hyrox competitions. Almost all are parents, and their family ALWAYS comes first. They train before their family wakes up, their gym time is most if not all of their leisure budget both time and money wise. Some have partners who train too so they have a schedule that shares this leisure time and home life workload. And also – none of them have newborns!
I was a licensed massage therapist for over a decade. I worked in health clubs with lots of fitness members. The fittest bodies weren’t the gym-members. The fittest bodies were parents of toddlers. Especially the full-time moms. Chasing toddlers who are freakishly fast shortly
after learning to walk counts as aerobic exercise and strength training. If your child is a climber, it’s agility training too. He could quit the gym membership and play with the kids and not gain any weight.
But all or nothing doesn’t have to be. He could go to the gym 3 nights a week to burn off stress, and let you go to the gym or Spa or stay in and have a bubble bath, and the 7th night is family night or date night.
But that arrangement might be too nuanced for him at first. Therapy first.
Good for you for communicating with him. At least he’s been warned if he continues this way.
Your husband may or may not suffer from an eating disorder. Only a doctor can diagnose that. But he’s definitely got a black/white narrative. Nothing in life is all or nothing. He’s 100% in the fitness journey, and you’re on the outside with his children asking for a functional relationship.
You have a family now but only your life changed. He is selfish and sorry, not a good husband OR father.
This man is very selfish. You have three kids including a newborn and he’s not helping you with childcare, he’s spending hours cooking just for himself, you have a whole list of problematic behaviors he’s doing – any one of them would raise an eyebrow and you have a number of them. If you were religious, I would say he has made an idol out of his “healthy lifestyle.” In other words, he has placed it at the top of his priorities, above important things like his marriage, his responsibility to be a present dad to his children, and even above the family budget. He has a moral obligation to ensure that the family money is used to support the family, not just to foster his own interests (even if his interests are generally good things like eating healthy).
NTA.
NTA! I could barely finish reading, he is so off the charts with the entitlement, neglect, and likely emotional abuse, which seems to have convinced you that you need to defend the source of your absolutely justified resentment despite the fact that he has no leg to stand on with any of the issues you’ve raised.
First saying he’s a great husband and father and then describing his insane lifestyle that seems totally focused on his “health” but sounds to me like a narcissistic hobby…
My husband is a former national bodybuilding champion.
Yea, this is way over the top.
NTA.
You are so clear headed and valid in your thinking. Maybe you should let him read this or at least read how you feel. He really is acting very selfish. Hang in there mommy.
I’m trying to figure out where he’s wonderful husband and father. Seems like he’s abandoned you when you need him the most so he can maintain his 6 pack.
Everyone has given good advice. I’m just sitting here thinking about this guy taking a food scale to a restaurant and I’d never dine out with him ever.
The various interpretations of autism that show up on this sub are wild. What a spectrum!
NTA but you’ve been massively led around if you really think the problem is that he’s healthy. The problem is that he is cartoonishly selfish. He isn’t pulling his weight at home, and he’s a financial burden. He’s undermining your parenting. He sounds like an absolute nightmare and he is making your life so much harder than it has to be. I put my hands on my face when I read that you were wondering if you were selfish or irrational. No! You have massively porous boundaries. And it’s absurd that it’s this bad when you’re not even working.
The options here are that he pulls his head out of where he’s stored it and acts like an adult, or you divorce when you finally have a total meltdown. That’s it. You can’t maintain this indefinitely while he’s actively sabotaging you and stealing your health and your free time and your portion of the household resources. (That’s what he’s doing, btw. He’s not spending his time and his money. He is stealing yours. That should make you angry).
And as you’ve said, it is going to get much worse when you go back to work. If he can’t act right because he’s a decent human being who respects you, he should act right because, rationally, you will have more time and money when you divorce him and he has to be a parent on his shared time.
Um no. This is not sustainable and affordable to live that way. He is not considering the needs of the family and putting his work out hobby first. Like no. I agree with someone who said counselling, but no, NTA. But he def is.
If he gets time and money for gym and supplements etc, YOU get equal time and money for whatever you want or need to be a fully functional and happy parent and partner. If he gets 5 hours a week at gym, you get 5 hours to do what you want. If he spends 150 month on supplements, you get 150. So you both need to sit down and do a monthly budget and schedule. He doesn’t get to use all the family’s budget and time for himself!!! And he’s acting like he’s single, not a married dad of 3
You two need to find a healthy balance and it seems you two are unable to figure that out for yourselves.
Therapy or couples counseling…. Do something.
Maybe 4 kids is enough???? Adding more in the future seems like it’ll only cause more issues.
No assholes here.
This is what single parenthood looks like. What a selfish dud. Please stop supporting this and believing this is ok. This is NOT normal.
NTA
It’s hard to parent alongside someone who is either an addict or is a person suffering from an eating disorder.
I am a father of a newborn (10 weeks old, our 2nd child), I’m no bodybuilder but i was gymming 5 times a week plus running on the weekend before but after the baby was born I didn’t go for the first month, now I am squeezing in 1 or 2 times a week if I’m lucky and only if things are all good at home.
I wake up at 2am every morning with the baby, we share the nights, if I get any extra sleep it’s a bonus.
I feel like this is just what you’re supposed to do, he is sadly missing the best and most important parts of the kids lives and for selfish reasons, you can be healthy without spending 24/7 on it.
You might want to stop having kids first
You’re a terrible woman.
Your husband is not a wonderful man. He’s a selfish prick. Cares about only himself and what HE WANTS.
You’re a lot more patient then me. Be buggered if I’d put up with that nonsense.