I 36f, husband 42m agree we want to move from CA, but cannot agree on a state..
Husband has a son who’s an adult but I have 2 children from 2 previous relationships, 13m & 9f. I have full custody of my daughter but my son moved with his father in Ohio after fathers home burnt down.. This was a hard decision for me as I wanted to not let my son leave, but I felt he’d thrive more with his father during his teenage years (which he has and I do not regret my decision) However, I deeply miss my son, he’s growing up and I feel like im missing important events in his life-mom guilt is emotionally/mentally tearing me apart. Also Flying him back for the summers and 1 week during Christmas is taking a toll on me financially.
Husband and I first agreed on WY or MT, but after looking at real estate prices in those states (for what we want) is out of our budget. Husband brought up KY, right below OH!! This sparked something in me and it felt like there was light at the end of this “mom-guilt” tunnel. I’ll be close enough to DRIVE to my son for any given event. (Extracurricular activities, birthdays, holidays, he’ll be learning to drive soon, high school dances, etc) The prices in KY are phenomenal. Everything seemed to be on the up & up and we agreed to search for homes in KY.
Now husband says its MT or bust.. (He says his expectations have shifted from what we’ve originally agreed on although mine have not)
Here’s where it gets tricky.. yes we’re married but we do keep our finances separate as I spend alot and he doesn’t, so to avoid conflict regarding money, we split the bills and keep separate bank accounts.. The money we’d use to buy our new home is from his home (he bought prior to us meeting) along with funds from his family’s inheritance.. I feel guilty putting my foot down and saying ‘No, we agreed on KY we’re moving to KY and that’s that” so I told him “I’d move to KY with or without him so I can be close to my son.. Im not leaving you, but I’m putting my son first” (I would rent or buy a cheap temporary home, something comfortable but not permanent)
My reasons for my standpoint:
I swore I’d never put a man before my children since my mother did that to me.
In 2017, I lost custody of both my children for 2 years while I got clean & sober, I worked so hard to get custody back and promised myself and my children to always be present for them.. So, I can’t shake the feelings that ‘I lost my son again’ although its a totally different situation, the feelings are the same.
Husband is upset cause he’s always felt once his son grows up he’s free to do as he pleases, but (his words) ” he met me- the love of his life and basically started all over with kids and the responsibilities that come with kids, so I’ve already sacrificed enough”
I did tell him when can always move again once my kids are adults, but he says he doesn’t want to move ever again- so we’d be shopping for our forever home?
Marriage is about sacrifice. So is being a parent. AITAH for choosing my kid?
Comments
Honestly, I don’t think you’re wrong at all for wanting to prioritize being closer to your son. Kids only have one childhood, and you already had to make the tough choice to let him live with his dad. Wanting to be present for the everyday stuff now makes total sense. Your husband may see it as you choosing your son over him, but in reality, you’re choosing to be the parent you promised to be.
Maybe you can cut some expenses here and there so you can go visit your son more often or fly him home. You say you spend a lot. Make a budget or maybe contribute less to the home expenses if it’s possible. I would sacrifice a lot to spend more time with my kid.
Eh… NTA
Point blank of the matter is he shouldn’t have married you if he didn’t want kids again/ to “start all over”. Your child will come first, and your happiness should be a big priority in your marriage and the fact you’ve already been SACRIFICING time away from your kid (since that’s the verbiage he wants to use) he should stick to the agreement that KY was the place you both liked and agreed upon. Otherwise, how can he really say you’re the love of his life?
He didn’t have to sacrifice anything when he didn’t have to marry you. He CHOSE to say he loved you enough to start over, so in this instance I think he needs to follow through and prove it and not treat your children like a burden of great inconvenience
And honestly if he does make you move by yourself with your daughter? I get you said you wouldn’t leave him but… would the relationship really be the same after that?
I wouldn’t use ultimatum language, but I’d definitely bring alll of that to his attention
INFO: Why exactly is your husband saying MT or bust?
This is a tough one. Both seem justified.
No matter what you tell yourself, you buying a house in Ky while your husband buys one in MT, will be the end of your marriage.
If he isnt moving with you why stick with KY and not go within an hr of your boy? Both OH and KY are big states, you’re easily still facing a day’s drive depending on where in each state you two are located.
I feel 0 sympathy about your husband “starting over” with kids, you had em when you met him.
Do either of you have jobs? WFH? How does your daughter feel about being uprooted? Does she have a voice at all?
Isn’t the father of your daughter paying you child support?
So if you leave your current husband, then where would you go? To KY or to join 1stHusband and Son in Ohio?
It’s easy to say that you would drive often to see your son but you don’t mention visiting him even once since he went to live with his father, only that paying for flights to visit him is financially taxing.
Btw considering your level of “mom guilt” there should be only one correct answer. And if you’re already considering leaving 2ndHusband, then wouldn’t you be more of an AH now if you stay with him??
Seems like you both want different futures at this point
YTA. I get feeling ‘mom guilt’ but where does your husband fit in all this. It’s his inheritance and the house that he had before you.
If you don’t have the money now to buy a house in KY together, where is the money going to come from if you split? I don’t understand the magical thinking here.
Ultimatum completely unnecessary. What would two adults do to resolve a difficult issue? Talk it through and find a solution that works for both. You’re trying to live two lives here. You cannot help your son if you don’t have the financial wherewithal. That might mean making difficult choices to prioritize finances, and to save money for your move.
That’s what adults do. What do children do? Stamp their feet and make ultimatums when they don’t get their own way. His feelings about having sacrificed enough are extremely valid given the context you’ve shared, that you lost custody and had to work to get back to custody.
But you would be leaving him.
Why did you husband throw MT down as the gauntlet? He hasn’t provided a solid reason that trumps your son. Also, he put KY in play. You agreed with his decision, but he is reneging. That’s not how a marriage works. You compromised.
Lastly- he is a total jackass for saying that he started all over line. He knew you came with kids. He chose that, he doesn’t get to act like a martyr. I’m sure you’ve made compromises in your marriage, but your children come as a the gift in the package not the packing peanuts. He didn’t make a sacrifice to be with you.
NTA
If you do separate, why not move to Ohio?
YTA Dont let the door hit you on your way out
Wait, I’m confused cause you said the money to buy the new house would be from the selling of his house in California so it would be his money technically that would be buying the new house. So how are you gonna get the house in Kentucky, with his money if he doesn’t wanna go? I reread the post to make sure I wasn’t missing anything but like I’m confused on how you can put your foot down on the house when it’s not your money.
Two previous marriages, to children and about the blow up the third marriage, you haven’t picked up the right one yet.
Regardless of the answer for this question OP, I just wanted to say good job for trying to put your son first. These are formative years and having mom nearby is highly preferable. It’s admirable that you were able to pull your life together for your kids, addiction is a very hard thing to overcome. This Redditor is proud of you for that fact, keep doing your best and keep up the good work- the kids are what’s most important.
Updateme
Your husband saying he has to start over again with children because of yours is irritating me. He knew how old they were beforehand. NTA, kids come first.
A few thoughts. 1 – You should start saving money and stop spending as much as you do. That’s a real problem. 2 – If you are moving away from your husband, move to OH, to be close to your son. Life is too short not to be part of your children’s lives. If that part of your happiness is not essential to your husband, then there is something wrong with your relationship with him. He’s being very self-centered and frankly not loving at all.
I somehow can’t get past that your children barely see each other. They are not able to create a sibling bond.
Both of your feelings are valid but I think your “mom guilt” is getting to you more than anything. Even if you guys did move to KY, how often are you really going to be making that drive to see your son? Also, I have no doubt that if you left your husband, that would be the end of your marriage. Because if he doesn’t have to worry about having space for you or your daughter, he could downsize to live comfortably for himself in MT.
KY and WV have very cheap homes and tons of hunting, plus you get a chance to get used to harsher winter weather
13 is still so young! I’m sure his sister misses him too.
Is your husband the only reason you wouldn’t move to Ohio and be close to your child? Or is there something else?
NTA. You’re right to put your child first. He knew you had children when you got together, and as a parent he knows kids come first. I assume he knew you were a mother when you were dating and before you married, so he can’t say he didn’t sign up for this. He did. It’s not your fault if he didn’t fully think it through.
He’s allowed to refuse to go to Kentucky, but he has to recognize you’re allowed to refuse to go to Montana. I think people are offering great compromises like move to KY and hold off on buying. Another option is move to KY and he gets to take more trips. Real estate is so very much lower in KY that if you get into a modest home, you could still afford to move to MT after your child’s an adult. Your husband’s young enough that waiting five years is no big deal. Your son is young enough that waiting five years is a huge deal.