Hi everyone, I need some perspective because I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or if my feelings make sense here.
A while ago, my boyfriend “S” (25M) broke up with me. Our relationship had been rocky, and he admitted he couldn’t stand up to his parents, who didn’t think I was the “right girl” for him. At that point, I was also struggling in a really tough job market, and I feel like he didn’t give me the time or chance to prove myself. Instead of fighting for us, he ended things.
That breakup devastated me. I took a long time before even thinking about seeing someone new. Eventually, my aunt set me up with a guy. It wasn’t something I sought out, and I couldn’t fully accept him anyway because I still had feelings for my ex.
Months later, around S birthday, I felt like reaching out. He responded, we started talking, and slowly got back together. I thought this was our second chance to rebuild.
But now he’s saying that since I met someone during our breakup, he should also get the chance to “see what’s out there.” The difference is: I only met that person after we were fully broken up, and it was never serious. Meanwhile, he’s suggesting exploring other people while still with me.
I told him very clearly that if he does this, I will see it as cheating or opening up the relationship — something I cannot handle emotionally. I also said that even if I were single later, I don’t think I could take him back, because it would feel like he left, tried something else, and only returned when it didn’t work out.
What really hurts is that I’ve always been willing to fight for us — even rejecting proposals my parents bring up. But instead of trying harder with me, it feels like he’s choosing exploration over commitment.
My questions for you all:
• Am I wrong for drawing this boundary and saying I won’t take him back if he does this?
• Is this a sign that he isn’t really committed to me, even though we got back together?
• How do I process this without feeling like I’m being unfair to him?
Comments
NTA. Setting boundaries is healthy. Wanting to explore while in a committed relationship shows he isn’t fully committed. Trust your feelings and protect yourself.
Break up with him and let him go “see what’s out there”. He just wants something to hold over you that gains him permission to cheat.
simple answers to simple questions:
> Is this a sign that he isn’t really committed to me, even though we got back together?
yes. “hey baby, let’s be together. also, I want to play the field. But like together. Really, if you could just hang out and wait for me while I try to meet a bunch of strange that would be great. Thanks.”
> How do I process this without feeling like I’m being unfair to him?
Seek counseling. I’m being serious. He dumped you: that makes you a free agent. He’s now holding you dating after he dumped you against you? The right answer here is “go fuck yourself.”
Whatever feelings you may have for him, his pretty clearly aren’t the same for you.
You’re not wrong! your boundary is valid. If he wants to explore others while with you, he’s not fully committed. Wanting respect and clarity isn’t unfair
You both want different things in life. Please accept it and move on.
NTA he had his opportunity to see what else was out there while you were broken up. If that’s what he wanted to do, he shouldn’t have gotten back together with you.
He broke up with you and you moved on. Not an issue.
But getting back with your ex under the agreement that he gets to cheat on you this time around, just because you met another guy after he dumped you, is preposterous.
Why do you even want to entertain this crap? He dumped you, and now wants you to be his side piece while he can fuck about?
And you’re worried about being unfair to him? Girl listen to yourself…
You’re not wrong at all, that’s a totally fair boundary. He’s basically asking to date other people while still with you, and you’re saying that’s a dealbreaker. The truth is, if he was really committed to you, he wouldn’t be looking for “options.” Wanting to explore like that usually means his head and heart aren’t fully in the relationship
NTA. your relationship is over if he wants to cheat. the only real question is how much time are you going to waste denying that things are done.
You really dont know?
He may like having you around sometimes, but he doesn’t really want to be with you. There isn’t anything to hold on to here. He initiated breakup #1, and now that you’re back together he’s already searching for your replacement.
Time to move on and find better.
His parents are right. You’re not right for each other.
He’s selfish and immature.
This relationship sounds exhausting, and it sounds like he picks any fights.
He is just using this to sleep with others. And I highly doubt he didn’t sleep with anyone else in the months you were broken up. I call BS.
This guy sounds exhausting. I would walk away. Keep your boundary, but go one further, walk away now because he even asked. He had time during the months to figure out if you were the one. He clearly hasn’t, so move on to someone who deserves you.
NTA. Just break up with him. He had every option to date other people when you were broken up. If he didn’t have anyone interested in him, that’s not your problem.
If he wanted to be committed to you, he wouldn’t be doing this. He’s an AH.
Why are you so concerned with “being fair to him”? Dude wants to cheat on you. How is HE being fair to YOU?
Sounds like he wants the perks of commitment without actually committing and your boundary isn’t unfair its self respect.
NTA. So he wants his cake, and eat it, too. You should have stayed broken up.
My read is that he couldn’t find anyone else when after he broke up with you, so wants regulate affection until that happens.
Or he is trying to neg you to keep you insecure and available without meaningful strings.
Girl …dump him. He dumped you, wasn’t lucky enough to find someone else so he went back to you, and now emotionally manipulates you with that crap to cheat
If he wanted to he would.
He doesn’t fight for you because he doesn’t want to. I think you’ve always been more invested than he has and deep down you know it.
He doesn’t care you saw someone else he just wants his cake and to eat it to. He saw an opportunity to sleep around while keeping you on a leash and went for it.
Are you even sure he was celibate the entire time you were apart? I doubt it.
You deserve better than this guy. Even if he chooses to respect your boundaries on this it’s never going to work long term because he just doesn’t care enough to make the effort and you do.
Yo, gotta be real with ya – S sounds like he’s tryna have his cake and eat it too. Like, u were broken up when u met that guy but he wants to explore while still with you? Big red flag, sis! 🚩 Dont compromise urself for someone who ain’t committing 100%. Stand your ground, it ain’t you being unfair, it’s him being indecisive and selfish. You deserve a lot better, don’t settle for less. Stay strong!
You were wrong to ever get back together with him, as demonstrated by the line he is now pushing.
This should end your relationship because even if he hasn’t found someone else yet, he is thinking about it, he wants to, he likely is assessing options already.
He is jealous of you having a life that was created in the wake of HIS decision. If he wants to see what’s out there, it’s because he doesn’t value you OR your relationship so realistically it’s already over.
Your relationship with your ex is over. You have to get over it. Did you agree to date this new guy that your aunt set you up with? Yes or no? He isn’t a toy for you to throw aside. It’s disgusting that you barely mention him in your dilemma with your ex-boyfriend. This is a real person. Grow the hell up. You can throw aside your toy and go back to your incompatible ex, or you can be faithful to your current bf who is unaware that he is a disposal toy during your “mid-life crisis”. I used quotations there because its not an actual crisis. You are simply suffering from “ex-boyfriend syndrome”. Id be less harsh if you’re just a teenager, but you’re 25 years old for Christ sakes. Grow the hell up.
He’s telling you he wants to go “see what’s out there,” and you’re wondering if he’s committed to you?
Reconnecting was an error. Sever and be happy.
He broke up with you. You connected with someone else.
What did he expect you to do? Wallow in self-pity the entire time?
I personally wouldn’t entertain the notion of him “seeing what’s out there,” he had plenty of time to do that while you were apart.
And probably did. Just hasn’t told you.
If he feels this way, then he isn’t 100 back in on the relationship, and no one deserves that.
Is this the same guy who dumped you 8 months ago after pressuring you to fly all the way across the US to meet him? If so, don’t walk away like golks are telling you – run! There are worse things than being alone and that guy sounds like one of them.
I’m not saying this in a mean way: consider talking to.a therapist to work through why you feel like it’s okay for folks to treat you like that. It’s not okay and you deserve better.
He did get the chance to see what’s out there during your breakup, if he didn’t that’s on him not yiu, he’s just looking for an excuse to cheat.
NTA
You’re right to set that boundary. If he wants to explore others while with you, that’s not commitment, it’s a breakup by a different name. Face the reality: this relationship is over, even if it doesn’t feel like it yet. Time to accept that and move on.
You already broke up, albeit temporarily. Do the sensible thing and set yourselves free. NTA.
Well, it kinda depends. Are you still talking to the other guy? Even if you are just friendly talking to that guy still …. Then I think your bf has a point.
But if you aren’t still talking to that guy, seeing him regularly, or have him on socials… and bf wants to meet other people just on principle…. Nah! That’s ridiculous!
This guy sucks and doesn’t prioritize you or your feelings. Move one. NTA (unless you stay and become an AH to yourself)
I have so many questions
NTA
You made a mistake in taking him back. He needs to grow up.