My(18F) bf (19M) We’ve been dating for about a year now and he’s been struggling to come to terms with my body count. My body count is higher than his and it’s been causing issues that are never ending. He says he doesn’t care but everytime I express how I feel about anything bad he’s doing, I get hit with the “imagine how i feel in my head all the time when I think about your past!”
Recently we got in an argument because I mentioned how he made me dread Valentine’s day. He had asked me out on a date and I bought him a few gifts. It was kinda early on in our relationship so I was still kinda getting to know him. Once I gave him the gifts he caught an attitude on the way to the restaurant. We sat down and he said that he didn’t like the gifts I got him. I immediately apologized, because I genuinely did not know it was that bad to him. I had got him a guitar chain and a nice crystallized music box with his favorite song( he plays the guitar and he’s really into music). It looked super cool. However he went all out on gifts for me by getting me a pair of uggs, some skims (which i told him i didn’t like in a conversation we had in January) and roses. I found out about all these items the day of Valentine’s Day. Fast forward we sat down in the restaurant and he looked at me and told me that I’d pay for dinner to make up for the fact I didn’t get him the gifts he wanted. It pissed me off because it felt like he tried to make me pay back what he spent on me even though he claimed it was a gift. I ended up paying for the dinner cuz I guess I get his POV.
Now back to the present. I brought this situation and linked it to many other times where I felt like he makes me “pay back” or like he says “going tic for tac” with me, which makes me feel like I cant rely on him without feeling like he’ll throw it all in my face. He then brought up my body count and says that he struggles to accept it everyday. This is not the first time I’ve had this conversation with him, because he brings it up everytime he’s in a bad mood. Stressed, hungry, you name it. He keeps asking me if I empathize with him and if I see the importance of “intimacy”, and that sex is like something sacred to him and he wants to know that I truly feel that way about it. I told him that sex can be something intimate, but during my past I just did it because it felt good, I wasn’t in love with every person I slept with. He kept asking me if i was a changed woman. I genuinely don’t understand what he means. I asked him what he means by a “changed” woman and he kept saying if we hadn’t started dating, if I would’ve still been on a ‘promiscuous’ run. I tried explaining to him that when we met I didn’t really want to have sex and I was focused on my academic life. He didn’t like that answer and kept insisting if i was a “changed” woman, and if I did it for myself or for him.
I told him that my past has no effect on our relationship. I feel like he’s struggling to accept that I had a past like that. He then proceeds to ask for reassurance, but I genuinely dont understand what he means by “changed” woman. I don’t understand how to navigate the situation at all. He says it hurts bad to think about my past, ive never had someone obsess so much about my sex life. It’s so draining having the same conversation with him about it so I’m on a last resort looking for advice.
Comments
He’s not the one for you and it’s not your responsibility to alleviate his insecurities.
It seems more like he usin your past to justify his present self. Yu gotta watch out for people using your mistakes to get away with theirs.
I’m sorry, I can’t get over “tic for tac” 😂
Your bfs insecurities are his to navigate and not your problem. He sounds ridiculous and just pure ick. Like you were supposed to only bang 2.5 ppl before meeting him? He sounds so pathetic, sorry. This isn’t normal. I don’t even know why I read on here so much about people in a relationships knowing each other’s body count. It’s such a weird topic for partners to even approach together.
Asking if you’re a changed woman is a gentle way of him basically saying “please tell me you’re not longer a ho” which he shouldn’t even need convincing of BC you’re both in a monogamous relationship. You have a right to have a past.
He has a transactional mentality. If you’re ok with that then proceed. I think the reassurance he’s looking for is that you want to be with him and your sex life is fulfilling
I just don’t understand the trend for Gen Z’s to tell each other how many people they have been intimate with. This is not a thing with older people. People being weird and insecure about how many people you’ve slept with is a completely preventable problem (don’t tell them).
I don’t know how to post gifs/pics but my face looked like the little girl in the car seat the entire time I was reading that.
Girl no. Leave this dude. This is so cringe. It’s like he has an internal score card. The body count, the gifts, paying for dinner, tit for tat. Your whole relationship will be like that.
What a girl does B4 you doesn’t matter if you want to be with her in the present? Thought this was common sense
You need to find a real man. One who isn’t an insecure little boy.
I believe that your boyfriend is/was raised in a religious faith/family when he speaks of a changed woman he is talking like a religious conversion. Like you have seen the light and you are moving on. You have been touched by the spirit of god and that has changed you to be better. He also may have raised to think that sex is sinful and should only happen under certain circumstances. I think “changed” in a religious context. I hope that is helpful.
I can not call it, I need the body count numbers… Scientists agree.
Seriously, if we all overthought our past, then we would be in a very bad mental state. From your info, I think that he is very insecure, and is actually going to cause you grief in the relationship. It may be that you need to move on.
What is your body count? This matters at that age tbh I feel like if you shared that number we can understand the whole picture here.
No. Just no.
You need to end this relationship immediately. !!!
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
It’s been a whole YEAR and he’s still obsessed over your body count being more than his. He’s still throwing it in your face any time he’s upset or annoyed or grumpy or stressed or hungry. Any excuse to bring it up he does. He’s admitted it eats him up every DAY. That he thinks about it EVERY DAY!!!
And then he tries to shame you for it.
And he wants you to say you’re a ‘changed woman’, meaning if you weren’t together, you would only sleep with people you’re in love with, and never have casual sex or a 1 night stand ever again, because you would only want sex to be an intimate act with someone you love and not for a bit of fun. That’s what he wants you to admit to, coz right now he looks down on you for being a ‘promiscuous’ person in the past, and he can’t handle the thought that you would still sleep with people casually.
Butseriously, this is never going to stop. He’s massively insecure about your past and he won’t ever get over it, and you don’t deserve to have it thrown in your face several times a week and having him be pissed at you, putting you down, shaming you etc.
He’s going to find out that other woman he meets and dates may well have a higher body count too, and may have enjoyed some casual sex sometimes too. The older he gets the more likely that will be the case and he’ll never be happy unless he’s with a Virgin.
So end it now and walk away and tell him to go find himself a virgin so they wont have a body count that hell obsess over, coz you’re tired of being judged and shamed and put down for your past. And he clearly can’t accept your past and let it go, and focus on your present relationship, he’s not got over it within a year, so he’s not likely to in future, and you deserve someone who loves you and treats you with respect and accepts your past is the past, instead of someone who judges you and puts you down and makes you out to be a bad person for your previous sexual encounters.
Then leave him. And block him on all forms of communication because he will likely try and beg you to give him another chance, and he’ll lie and say he’ll stop mentioning it and he can get past it and won’t bring it up again, and that he does love and respect you. But its all bullshit. He’ll never get over it.
So end it, and go find someone who will treat you right instead of judging you and shaming you every day.
Insane boyfriend. Run. Never stay with this. He has issues and projects hate and disgust onto you and you will never get past it.
It’s not you. It’s him. Retarded.
Ew he made you pay for dinner? AND ON VALENTINES DAY?! Is he the girl in this relationship making you give him princess treatment? Big ick. He sounds controlling and overbearing not to mention insecure. A woman’s vagina is a muscle. Even if it stretches it goes back to regular form afterwards. He’s trying to control you by using your past against you. You did nothing wrong. If can’t accept these differences move on. He’s clearly projecting something. He’s still a kid. You don’t need someone this immature by your side. His confidence needs time to grow- leave him! He doesn’t see you for how amazing you are!! You’re better than this guy who sounds SUPER INCONSIDERATE
OP, there’s no situation to navigate.
He’s being a jerk and completely irrational, and you don’t have to take any more shit from him. You don’t need him around at all, not unless he treats you well, and he’s not doing that is he.
I’d leave, to be honest. This is insanely toxic on his part! He is using a stupid a$$ number to belittle, tear you down, and make you do what he wants.
In the future, don’t talk body counts. It doesn’t matter if you actually love the person you are with.
He clearly is insecure and manipulative. I’m not sure which is worse. I wouldn’t take it from anyone.
Why the hell are you with this jerk? Just reading about him gave me the ick. Dump him and move on.
You’re both children. He needs to grow up and get over it but also you have to accept that if you have a body count of 19 when you’re barely out of high school people will judge you for that. Tit for tat.
leave him
This kids an infant you can’t fuck your way out of your upbringing. So what your body count could lead to a more unstable relationship and higher expectations for him. But the flip side is you accept him for his family dynamic and his equally nonchalant view of relationships which is way more set in stone and if he can fuck up a Valentines Day he can absolutely fuck up your life. Red Flag straight to jail fuck him and his crusty sock. You clearly are way more invested emotionally and he definitely had used that which may be his biggest fault but it’s all in POB maybe that’s normal and what he’s looking for
I personally wonder how a girl of 18 years has a body count high enough to scare others away. Maybe dont bang every dude that barely sais hi?
In other news: Not getting along with the amount of people you had sex with means he should not be with you. Weaponize it after the fact he decided to be with you is even worse. The cherry on top is that he feels like he needs to “make things even” in the worst interpretation ever. Like the birthday-gift-thingies – first of all just because he buys you expensive gifts does not mean you have to do it too. Its a Gift, not a trade contract. Secondly, not liking that gift and kindly asking to give it back is reasonable. Letting you pay for dinner as a punishment is absolutely ridiculous.
So I normally do not like to give that kind of advice but this dude, based on your PoV, sounds absolutely incompetent to have a serious, loving relationship with. Run. And maybe keep your legs closed for a while and get to know people first.
He is not for you, oh nono actually you are not for him. Just date with someone like you
First off your boyfriends an idiot, it’s Tit for tat not “Tic for tac”. Secondly, you gave him gifts for things he enjoys so he’s being an ass. Third, your body count shouldn’t affect anything unless it’s going up while you’re with him. Last of all, him blaming your body count for his moods is literally the most boot muck excuse I’ve ever heard. Your boyfriend’s emotionally abusive and personally I wouldn’t stay with someone like that.
Speculation:
His insistence on being paid back for his gifts means he clearly feels he’s owed based on his own interpretation of how much he’s provided. He gives for the sake of receiving – not for the sake of giving – and then feels offended when he doesn’t receive enough to tip his internal scales.
When you’ve outdone yourself, does he: 1) return the favour like he demands of you; 2) simply accept your efforts; or 3) try to dismiss your efforts so he can feel justified in not returning the favour? Which you answer can tell a lot about whether his concerns revolves around fairness or self-gain.
Looking at how he treats relationships like a transactional arrangement could also provide some context for his insecurity. He’s afraid you’ll find a more favourable arrangement, so he shames you for your past “transactions”. He might be so focused on how much you owe him because he wants you to feel indebted to him instead of seeking someone who will provide more for less.
Advice:
The answer to whether you’re a changed woman is that you’re the same woman, but this isn’t the same scenario. How you approach sex and how you approach relationships aren’t the same thing.
I’d suggest you tell him outright that you don’t like him treating your relationship like a transaction. You could also explain that you want a healthy relationship with him, but that can’t happen if he continues to shame you for your choices. Though as fair warning, I struggle to see you being able to discuss this with him properly without the relationship inevitably ending.
yeahhhh this guy is mad weird tbh, feels like hes just using the body count thing to manipulate things in his favor. also the restaurant thing????? please respect yourself and drop him.
This sounds like it’s very toxic and it’s only going to get worse.
What I’ve learned is there’s no place for meanness in relationships.
When you’re a fit it’s like you don’t have to try this hard.
He sounds very insecure.
What you guys have is broken and it broke early but you both kept at it for some reason
On his end, when you told him your body count and he balked at it, he should have just walked away from you at that point… no need to continue dating to torture himself over it and obsess on it
On your end (and his too I guess), you’ve allowed money to become an issue… going “tip for tap” isn’t in itself unhealthy, but when it’s done with venom on the tongue then it’s very unhealthy
OP, for your future relationship, still maintain your honest about your sexual past… but try to do it in a manner that isn’t glorifying it? Maybe like… make sure there’s no doubt in your guys mind that you really like him and want him before you tell him you’ve fucked 60 people?
Learn to stroke his ego, that’s the dude version of random gifts women get… if you don’t feel the need for that, then maybe stay single and just enjoy casual encounters that don’t require emotional upkeep
In short, at this stage of how far this has gone on, there probably isn’t any point in fixing it unless you have a bunch of grouped up debt with each other and need to work together to pay that off first or something
You both should cut your losses before they mount
I dont know when people became so “obsessed” with body count, its getting silly now
BF seems too insecure
Your bf is definitely immature but having a body count of 19 when you’re 18 years old is crazy and ppl will definitely judge. I don’t think he’ll ever accept that and just based off that you guys probably shouldn’t be together. There are plenty of guys who don’t care about a high body count. You’re young and I don’t think you should waste any more time with this relationship
He’s a boy, a child. Real men don’t say things like this nor do they care. Leave him and move on. Not worth entertaining this little boy.