I [31F] lost my parents young and was raised by my maternal grandparents. My grandfather has passed away, and my grandmother is very old now. She did help me in the past , she gave me money for the downpayment on my apartment. At that time, there was no agreement that me or my husband would take responsibility for her care.
We did try bringing her to live with us for a few months. But it was very difficult ,she constantly fought with the household help (we had to replace helpers five times), and she also argued with us. Eventually, she called my maternal uncle, and he took her in. Now things have gone bad with her daughter (my aunt), and she’s asking me and my husband to bring her back.
The thing is, my grandmother does have enough money to pay for assisted living or a caretaker, but she outright refuses. My husband is completely against having her live with us again because of the chaos last time, and I honestly agree it would strain our marriage and peace at home. At the same time, I feel guilty , she raised me, and she helped me financially, but she also makes it impossible to live peacefully.
So, AITA for saying no and not taking her back, even though she’s old and refuses to use her own money for assisted living?
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I [31F] lost my parents young and was raised by my maternal grandparents. My grandfather has passed away, and my grandmother is very old now. She did help me in the past , she gave me money for the downpayment on my apartment. At that time, there was no agreement that me or my husband would take responsibility for her care.
We did try bringing her to live with us for a few months. But it was very difficult ,she constantly fought with the household help (we had to replace helpers five times), and she also argued with us. Eventually, she called my maternal uncle, and he took her in. Now things have gone bad with her daughter (my aunt), and she’s asking me and my husband to bring her back.
The thing is, my grandmother does have enough money to pay for assisted living or a caretaker, but she outright refuses. My husband is completely against having her live with us again because of the chaos last time, and I honestly agree it would strain our marriage and peace at home. At the same time, I feel guilty , she raised me, and she helped me financially, but she also makes it impossible to live peacefully.
So, AITA for saying no and not taking her back, even though she’s old and refuses to use her own money for assisted living?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my grandmother that we can’t take her back in our house so AITA? It might make me an asshole cause my grandparents raised me and also helped me financially
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
It’s not unreasonable to want your home to be a peaceful place and not want someone in it that takes away from that. Even if this woman raised you that doesn’t entitle her to behave however she pleases in your home.
Luckily there are some fairly simple options. It might help to try and mediate between your aunt and grandmother. If that situation can be repaired then you’ve got a solution.
If that’s not possible, it’s worth a talk with your grandmother. Find out why she doesn’t seem to be able to be happy wherever she ends up. It may be a solvable problem that she hasn’t been able to articulate or hasn’t felt comfortable doing so. Not wanting to live independently even though she’s able to isn’t unusual. Living independently means living alone and many people will take a bad living situation over living alone, especially when they get older.
If you’re going to take her back in, that should prompt a conversation that your grandmother probably won’t like. It might help to point out that she’s had two living situations that have fallen through because of conflict and she’s not going to be welcome if she can’t be a part of solving that conflict.
NTA. She could pay for help, but why would she when she can get away with bullying all of her relatives who “hope to get their hands on her money”?
You owe her gratitude for taking care of you as a child, but that doesn’t mean you owe her your life.
NTA by a long shot.
The reason she won’t go into assisted living or hire a caregiver is because she knows that she’ll be spending money on services that will either quit or kick her out for her behaviour. Why do that when she can make family her miserable maids for free?
She knows exactly what she’s doing and that it’s wrong. Perhaps it’s her way of feeling that she still has control of her life and the people in it. But nevertheless I strongly advise against it being at your expense.
Put your foot down, stay firm and keep telling her no. If it makes you feel any better know this, no one forced her to raise you nor was she obligated to. You owe her nothing for the choices she made. Even if she did a great job it doesn’t give her the right to cause chaos in your house and live off your money.
Her problems are her own and she doesn’t get to be a freeloading nuisance just because she’s old. She’s perfectly capable of sorting herself out so she’s not in need. What she needs is to set a better example of being a productive senior citizen.
Has she always been that difficult to be around? Just wondering if she might have dementia, since it sounds like she was caring or at least helpful before?
NTA, it’s not fair to you or your husband
NTA She has the money — she doesn’t want to spend it, but apparently she also doesn’t want to behave in a way that would make her pleasant to live with. Frankly, she’s been given the chance to live with family twice, and twice she has driven family to the point they can’t have her there any longer. She’s had her chances. I think if family is at their limit it’s time for her to use her own money, like it or not.
NTA – she won’t get easier, her behaviour might be dementia and it will get worse.
She should take Professional help.
NTA – have you had her tested for dementia? My grandmothers personality became a bit abrasive and started causing arguments for no apparent reason.
Turns out years later we finally found out that it was a very early stage of dementia. You can’t treat her emotions but when you have a diagnosis your approach to it all does differ so the family has been able to manage things somewhat better than before.
Nope, you’ve had your turn. She caused chaos last time. Time to respect your husbands wishes & your own peace of mind.
NTA. She needs to find her own place. She’s disruptive.
NTA. Can she get her own place with round the clock care?
NTA. Elders should respect the home and people they live with. My MIL complained yesterday that she was cold, hot, cold, hot, nauseated, tired etc. she worked outside the day before and refuses to drink water. I said four bottles a day. That’s 4 oz every half hour. She made excuses but wants to complain. You can’t make these people understand and I think it’s attention seeking behavior. It’s disruptive to your household. A little money as a gift to buy a home does not entitle them to be a nuisance.
NTA
She’s clearly very difficult to live with. She might be lonely but that can be fixed with a live in carer and an active social life. She can afford this. Your marriage is on the line. I have a deal with my partner that his mother only gets two weeks with us, doesn’t matter what happens to her, doesn’t matter what care she needs, she’s got other options and after two weeks she will be using them. You already tired to care for her and it didn’t go well, you have paid back any debt you feel was owed.
I stopped caring when OP said they have “household helpers.”
I have an elderly brother who is a recovering alcoholic. Our parents are long passed As long as he is an assisted living where he is? He has little access to alcohol, but he still has some. He is making the employee’s job there a living hell. He has considerable money as a bachelor never married no children. He has offered us siblings Buku amounts of money to take him in. Some of us have the room some like me do not. He’d be living on my couch as I still have children at home. We all know what our brother is capable of especially verbally. He is extremely difficult and high maintenance. He could offer me 100 K to take him in and I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t even put an addition on my house because I don’t want him around me for my own peace of mind insanity. I’m too old to take care of a 65 year-old man who has spent his life bringing others down. Anyway, he is about to get kicked out out of his assisted living it’s only a matter of weeks. My aunt suggested that my brother be moved into his own place, and he hired someone who comes in every day and cooks and cleans for him, and takes care of his basic needs, kind of like a home companion who house keeps and bathe him as necessary. My brother can afford it. The fear? He will get into his own apartmentand start drinking again. He can’t drive anymore nor walk very well, but he could have it delivered and then he would likely fire the companion so he could be alone like he used to be in his own home before he stop being able to care for himself. I wish you the best.