My aunt and uncle had a daughter who died at age 21. She had a childhood friend who stayed in touch with them for decades after that. My aunt passed away a month ago, and my uncle is now on his deathbed.
I paid for this friend, I’ll call her June, to meet me in my uncle’s city so we could see him before he died. I paid for her flight, our hotel, and our rental car. I also bought several meals for her. We were supposed to stay for four days.
At the end of the second day, while we were at my uncle’s house, I said we should start to get ready to go back to the hotel. As she was gathering up her things, I started taking photos of some things of my aunt’s that I thought my sisters might want. June told me a couple of times she was ready to leave, and I kept saying “just a minute.” I ended up making her wait 20 minutes.
When we got in the car to leave, she said she was furious at me for making her wait. I tried to find out why she was in a hurry – did she want to eat something? did she want to go to the pool before it closed? what? – but from what I could gather, it was simply the fact that I made her wait. We were only going home to go to bed, and it was only 7:30 at night.
Usually, I’m the one waiting on her. I didn’t think she’d mind because she was just sitting on the couch talking to my relatives. I’m still not sure why she got so upset.
I didn’t want to fight so I apologized 3 times. She was still angry. I tried to explain why I ended up making her wait (I made some mistakes with the photos) but she raised her hand and said, “I don’t want to hear it.”
Last year, one of my cousins (who is an alcoholic) got irrationally angry at me after I’d spent almost 3 weeks taking care of my aunt and uncle while she was on vacation, and she shut down my many attempts to resolve that. It affected my willingness to visit my aunt and uncle because things were so awkward. This meant I didn’t get to see my aunt before she died. This trip was hard to make but I knew I had to see my uncle or I would always regret it.
June ended up telling me that I was being too nice to my relatives for “show” and that I wouldn’t let the issue with my cousin go. (Something she knew I’d tried to resolve, and something that wasn’t affecting our visit.) At that point, I had to pull over the car I was so upset. I told her I couldn’t believe she was yelling at me for nothing while our uncle was dying (my uncle is like an uncle to her). I told her our relationship was over, and if she wanted to fly home early I’d change her flight. She ended up leaving early.
On the one hand, I don’t want to put up with verbal abuse. On the other hand, I wish she could’ve had a better goodbye.
I never know when it’s okay to cut someone out of your life because they’re toxic or when you should listen to their side and give them another chance. I’m so mixed up by all this.
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My aunt and uncle had a daughter who died at age 21. She had a childhood friend who stayed in touch with them for decades after that. My aunt passed away a month ago, and my uncle is now on his deathbed.
I paid for this friend, I’ll call her June, to meet me in my uncle’s city so we could see him before he died. I paid for her flight, our hotel, and our rental car. I also bought several meals for her. We were supposed to stay for four days.
At the end of the second day, while we were at my uncle’s house, I said we should start to get ready to go back to the hotel. As she was gathering up her things, I started taking photos of some things of my aunt’s that I thought my sisters might want. June told me a couple of times she was ready to leave, and I kept saying “just a minute.” I ended up making her wait 20 minutes.
When we got in the car to leave, she said she was furious at me for making her wait. I tried to find out why she was in a hurry – did she want to eat something? did she want to go to the pool before it closed? what? – but from what I could gather, it was simply the fact that I made her wait. We were only going home to go to bed, and it was only 7:30 at night.
Usually, I’m the one waiting on her. I didn’t think she’d mind because she was just sitting on the couch talking to my relatives. I’m still not sure why she got so upset.
I didn’t want to fight so I apologized 3 times. She was still angry. I tried to explain why I ended up making her wait (I made some mistakes with the photos) but she raised her hand and said, “I don’t want to hear it.”
Last year, one of my cousins (who is an alcoholic) got irrationally angry at me after I’d spent almost 3 weeks taking care of my aunt and uncle while she was on vacation, and she shut down my many attempts to resolve that. It affected my willingness to visit my aunt and uncle because things were so awkward. This meant I didn’t get to see my aunt before she died. This trip was hard to make but I knew I had to see my uncle or I would always regret it.
June ended up telling me that I was being too nice to my relatives for “show” and that I wouldn’t let the issue with my cousin go. (Something she knew I’d tried to resolve, and something that wasn’t affecting our visit.) At that point, I had to pull over the car I was so upset. I told her I couldn’t believe she was yelling at me for nothing while our uncle was dying (my uncle is like an uncle to her). I told her our relationship was over, and if she wanted to fly home early I’d change her flight. She ended up leaving early.
On the one hand, I don’t want to put up with verbal abuse. On the other hand, I wish she could’ve had a better goodbye.
I never know when it’s okay to cut someone out of your life because they’re toxic or when you should listen to their side and give them another chance. I’m so mixed up by all this.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told an old family friend that I could change her flight so she could leave early instead of staying by my uncle on his deathbed.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I’m confused. Why did you tell her you guys should get ready to leave if you were going to start documenting all the things you think your siblings have a right to in your aunt and uncle’s home (were they even offered to you?) via photoshoot? You basically said stand up and get your stuff but not really because I have things I want to inherit and I need photos to make sure I claim them when my uncle kicks it.
You say in the title you made your family friend leave your uncle’s bedside but the post says something completely different. Why are you documenting your Aunt’s things for your sisters who apparently didn’t come to see your aunt and uncle either? Without more info I’m leaning ESH.
I feel like there’s a ton of context missing here, but with what we have I’d go with ESH.
If somebody told me to pack up because we’re leaving, only to then make me wait twenty minutes, I’d be pretty annoyed too. I don’t understand why you’d tell her you were leaving only to then start taking pictures, unless you genuinely thought that would only take a few minutes at most. And even then, I’d probably have waited until I was done with that before telling her to get up. It’s also unclear to me what she was doing during those twenty minutes. Was she just standing around? Did you at any point apologize for making her wait or tell her it would take longer than you anticipated and she should go back to sitting with your relatives?
I’m also completely lost on how the conversation in the car escalated like that. I do feel like she’s way overreacting, especially considering you’re paying for her to be there, but how did the conversation switch from her (valid) annoyance at making her wait to yelling and all the other stuff? I also think telling her to go home early is an overreaction on your part too. Grief does weird things to people but you could have both handled this better.
She’s likely upset that you said y’all should get your things then she had awkwardly hold her purse or whatever for 20 minutes while you snapped photos of things in the house. She’d probably already said her goodbyes and you made her uncomfortable making her wait longer when you should have snapped the photos before telling her to get her things so she could have held off on saying goodbyes until after you were done. YTA for me.
NTA. It is annoying to make someone wait 20 mins when they are ready to go…BUT she should have expressed annoyance and left it there. Escalating like that was bratty and unnecessary. The fact is, while she was close with your uncle, this is NOT her family and she has no right to come in and create stress like that. Her being there was a privilege, not a right, and she should have acted accordingly.
I would go ESH.
My personal take here, but if I were in her shoes, having to wait is one thing, but having to wait while you are taking pictures of what you or your sister would like to take from a recently deceased aunt, while her husband is dying in another room ? That sounds like a massively inappropriate thing to do to me, with a serious lack of respect for the couple and greedy behavior. I don’t know of your customs. It might be cultural, but that’s how it would be seen here. I would be uncomfortable immediately and probably angry at you.
But, she didn’t give you these reasons to be upset and seemed to attack you out of nowhere instead. Maybe she wasn’t honest for the reason she was upset, maybe she was. If she wasn’t honest she should have been. It escalated to the point you want to cut her off completely so I guess a no return point was reached in this conversation. Yelling remains wrong. At the end of the day, you didn’t force her to get back earlier, she accepted your offer. Not that she really had a choice since it’s your money though.
It would have been great if you were able to suck it up for 2 days and keep the uncle visits as a priority, since you are both important to him. But sometimes it’s just not practical.
YTA
YTA
You think she’s hungry or wants to use the pool. You say it’s time to leave, but decide to make an inventory of your uncle’s belongings that you have no right to. She finds what you’re doing is ghoulish and opportunistic. That’s why she’s upset with you
YTA for taking pictures like a vulture of things you might like to have or your sister might like to have after your uncles death. If your alcoholic cousin is the child of this uncle and aunt everything in that house belongs to her and any siblings she has
YTA
What the… yeah, that she is upset that you have her wait around while making a inventory of the property of a dying uncle is natural.