My boyfriend and I, both in our twenties, coach a high school volleyball team together. This is our first year. He is the varsity head coach and I volunteered to be his assistant coach when some things fell through with the person originally supposed to do it. This week we have our first home game, which happens to fall on my birthday. That’s fine, I’m used to it being a September baby, I’ve always had lots of school and sporting events fall on my birthday. I will be attending the game and I’m fine with that. However…the day before our first game is my sisters birthday. My sister is also in her 20s, older than me, and doesn’t have a lot of friends. We moved states a few years ago and while she seems comfortable, she has not met anyone or made any attempt at developing social group. We are very close, but I’ve been very busy the last few years branching out and developing a new life for myself in the new state we live in. I feel like I haven’t been the most present for her on holidays or her birthday. So, that all being said, I would really like to spend her birthday with her this year. Nothing crazy, just hang out and eat snacks and watch our favorite movies. Last night I asked my boyfriend if he would be okay running practice alone so I could spend the evening with her after work, and apologized for the inconvenience. He initially seemed put off by it, but seemed okay. He texted me this AM saying he wasn’t upset, but feels like it’s not a good standard to uphold as part of the coaching staff. He brought up that we were both frustrated that the JV coach will be missing a game for his daughter’s birthday, and a varsity player missed two practices in a row for her sisters bday and then her grandfathers bday. The player-whatever-but I didn’t like the comparison to the JV coach. I’m not missing a game, and I’m also not the head coach. I wouldn’t miss a game for something like this regardless, and I wouldn’t miss a practice at all if I was the HEAD coach. He said I made a commitment to this and that it’s the standard we need to uphold. I understand it’s a standard we want the players to follow, but is it that big of a deal? For context, I’m a volunteer but I was told I will be paid out of fundraising money, I don’t know how much though. The rest of the coaches are a stipend paid position.
So, am I the asshole if I decide to miss the practice before a game to spend my sister’s birthday with her?
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My boyfriend and I, both in our twenties, coach a high school volleyball team together. This is our first year. He is the varsity head coach and I volunteered to be his assistant coach when some things fell through with the person originally supposed to do it. This week we have our first home game, which happens to fall on my birthday. That’s fine, I’m used to it being a September baby, I’ve always had lots of school and sporting events fall on my birthday. I will be attending the game and I’m fine with that. However…the day before our first game is my sisters birthday. My sister is also in her 20s, older than me, and doesn’t have a lot of friends. We moved states a few years ago and while she seems comfortable, she has not met anyone or made any attempt at developing social group. We are very close, but I’ve been very busy the last few years branching out and developing a new life for myself in the new state we live in. I feel like I haven’t been the most present for her on holidays or her birthday. So, that all being said, I would really like to spend her birthday with her this year. Nothing crazy, just hang out and eat snacks and watch our favorite movies. Last night I asked my boyfriend if he would be okay running practice alone so I could spend the evening with her after work, and apologized for the inconvenience. He initially seemed put off by it, but seemed okay. He texted me this AM saying he wasn’t upset, but feels like it’s not a good standard to uphold as part of the coaching staff. He brought up that we were both frustrated that the JV coach will be missing a game for his daughter’s birthday, and a varsity player missed two practices in a row for her sisters bday and then her grandfathers bday. The player-whatever-but I didn’t like the comparison to the JV coach. I’m not missing a game, and I’m also not the head coach. I wouldn’t miss a game for something like this regardless, and I wouldn’t miss a practice at all if I was the HEAD coach. He said I made a commitment to this and that it’s the standard we need to uphold. I understand it’s a standard we want the players to follow, but is it that big of a deal? For context, I’m a volunteer but I was told I will be paid out of fundraising money, I don’t know how much though. The rest of the coaches are a stipend paid position.
So, am I the asshole if I decide to miss the practice before a game to spend my sister’s birthday with her?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole because I did accept this position and maybe I should stick to it even if it means missing things. The action I am taking will be missing the practice before a game to spend my sisters bday with her. That might make me an asshole because I would miss the practice before a game
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You are a volunteer assistant not the head coach and you are not skipping the actual game just one practice to spend meaningful time with your sister. You communicated in advance and apologized which is all you can reasonably do. Supporting family does not make you a bad teammate especially when it is a rare occasion and does not affect your core responsibilities. Your boyfriend’s standard argument feels more about control than fairness.
The only thing to do is make sure practice is covered and maybe help plan the session so players are not negatively impacted. Beyond that you are prioritizing something important without harming anyone which is completely reasonable.
NTA
I do get where he’s coming from. It is important to model responsibility for younger folk over whom we have influence, but the idea that you as a volunteer can literally never do anything after work during volleyball season is absurd.
You’re sacrificing a lot of time to help your boyfriend and these girls. You didn’t agree to revolve your entire life around this activity.
I hope you go spend time with your sister.
ETA: I’m actually glad the JV coach is skipping a game for his daughter‘s birthday. Kids remember when their parents don’t prioritize them. The team will be OK with the assistant coach for a single game.
NTA. You’re not skipping a game, just one practice, and you gave notice. Family matters too, and one evening with your sister isn’t going to hurt the team.
YTA – this is sports. You’re expected to turn up. Players, coaches, support staff all need to be there for training and games even on their own birthday. These sports have specific rules for time off and a birthday does not count.
Certainly, the birthday of an adult sibling is totally irrelevant to your commitment.
If you can’t be serious, just step back from participation with this tram. Be a fan.
YTA. Its the short notice thats the greater issue. Its not like your sister’s birthday snuck up on ya. Anyone would be put off if the night before someone who was supposed to do a thing canceled about an event you were aware for over a decade.
Its akin if you canceled saying “oh, this Saturday is a weekend and I like to not do stuff on my weekends” ??? When you agreed to do it, did ya consider at all the time commitments? When y’all decided on schedule there was no thought to “Oh Sept 4 (or whatever) is my sis bday that might be a conflict”
Short notice just makes it seem like you just don’t really give a fuck which is fine, your a volunteer, but yea you’d be put off by that and hes right as a coach thats not a good example to set.
NTA – you’re not the head coach, this is high school volleyball practice, not some major national team or event or something. Unless I’ve missed something I don’t see how it’s that big a deal. Maybe the notice was a bit short but honestly, you’re volunteering for an unspecified amount of money that it sounds like isn’t even guaranteed. It’s not like you’re dipping on an actual job?
Maybe high school sports are just that much more of a big deal than where I’m from but genuinely sounds a bit mad to treat it like it’s some sort of unmissable event.