First time posting, please don’t share. Sorry for the long post.
My in-laws moved in with us last year while they were building their multi million home in another state I mention this because they sold their million dollar home in our current state impulsively and could have totally waited or found a place on their own, they didn’t need our help…but because years ago we lived with them for a year to save for our current home, they thought we could just “return the favor.” (First mistake was agreeing to this, I had anxiety leading up to their move in). They moved in and brought their three dogs, their college aged son would also be visiting and staying with us during breaks. The arrangement was meant to be temporary but each time we curiously asked about their plans to move out of state they never had a clear plan due to needing to move their business out of state. Instead, it created a constant sense of stress and loss of privacy in our own home, especially while I became pregnant with our first child a few months into them moving in. From early on, it became clear that MIL often took boundaries as personal attacks, rather than understanding them as necessary for our well-being. My FIL has always enabled her behavior, rarely speaking up to encourage a more balanced perspective or standing up for what would be best for the family as a whole.
During their time living here, my husband and I began feeling the lack of separation between our household and theirs. Their constant demands for his time and control were more clear too especially because husband works for their company. Despite my efforts to remain respectful, my anxiety grew about bringing a baby to a full house and being around their pets who had taken over. Not to mention the constant unnecessary comments and unsolicited advice about parenthood. I voiced to my husband that we needed our own space this summer before the baby arrived, something we both agreed on for the sake of our marriage, mental health, and ability to settle into parenthood without unnecessary stress.
Once the decision was communicated by my husband, the situation quickly escalated. FIL was understanding but MIL reacted with hurt and resentment, framing our need for privacy as rejection. She impulsively made them move out the next day!
MIL made comments to both of us about how they’ve done so much for us and given us so much by listing all the expensive Christmas gifts they’ve given us over the years (that we didn’t even ask for). I always thought my in-laws had such a transactional relationship with their kids and almost controlling them with their money. Now that we were setting boundary about needing space for our growing family and it was inconvenient for them, she did not like that. FIL backed her entirely instead of helping de-escalate or bridge the gap. The dynamic left no room for honest discussion or reconciliation, instead it created an “us versus them” mentality.
After they moved out, MIL chose to go no contact. They have not reached out to ask about their first grandchild, to visit, or to make any effort to repair the relationship. This is especially painful because they are the only family we have nearby. My husband has been fully supportive through this process, choosing to prioritize me and our baby’s needs over his parents’ unhealthy patterns, even though it has cost him a relationship with them.
During this time she was acting out of spite – I mentioned earlier that husband works for their company, she made sure to cut his access to the company accounts, even made him return to work after one week off for paternity leave,
threatening to not pay him for any extra days he took off.
I had reached out to talk it out after my therapist encouraged me to share my thoughts about this process and it did not go well, MIL kept saying we kicked them out and that this was the ‘’most disgusting thing her children have ever done, and how we are so ungrateful and don’t self reflect.’’
I even apologized for how everything turned out and told her it was not our intention to hurt them, we just felt that we needed our space back for our new little family and it was going to be difficult with their dogs. The whole thing felt like no matter what I said to keep the relationship it wasn’t enough, she was even taking hits that it was all about me and my family (who are out of state and I barely see) and that their feelings didn’t matter. I just wanted her to understand that the way she has been acting was also hurtful during our postpartum, and all we needed during this time from family was support not added stress.
It’s also worth mentioning that they are no contact with the oldest two adult children (since before husband and I started dating so I’ve never met them or know the whole story) It sounds like a pattern of dysfunction that we’re now on the receiving end of.
It’s clear that, for now, they have no desire to make things right or be a part of our child’s life. Their unwillingness to acknowledge their role in the situation or to work toward reconciliation has left us feeling not only hurt but also deeply disappointed in the absence of the kind of family connection we hoped to have for our newborn.
We have left the door open for a relationship but It’s becoming clear that MIL’s strong personality holds on to resentment. We will no longer speak to her unless she reaches out. I’m just so shocked at her behavior during this sensitive time and hurt for our newborn to not have that relationship with grandparents. I don’t regret asking for our space back because I don’t think I could have handled them all during postpartum. Did I maybe dodge this one by MIL going no contact first?
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Geez. I think it would be wise, if at all possible, for your husband to start looking for another job. This is really an unsustainable situation with him working for them. He’s to be commended for setting and enforcing boundaries, but it sounds like it’s time to comlete the disentanglement with them and leave nothing left that she can control him/you with.
Yeah, it’s probably for the best that you remain NC. The fact that the two older children are also NC with their parents is also telling. It indicates that the problem is your ILs, not with you.
You definitely dodged.
Close the door.
Celebrate that the trash took itself out.
time for husband to find a new job not controlled by inlaws
I’m trying to understand the problem. Horrible living conditions get rectified. Difficult people stop interrupting your life you are able to live your own life. Fabulous!
DH needs to find himself different employment ASAP or she will continue to hold that over his head to cause you hurt and distress just because she can.
You do not need her to understand why you made your choice; understanding is not prerequisite of compliance.
She has given you a great gift of silence and distance and you should bask in it.
Don’t poke the beehive, just live the life you want. 💪
Stop right there!
Prioritising his wife and baby’s needs did not cost your husband his parents. His parents ended the relationship due to their inability to manage their emotions when they didn’t get their own way. You tried to do something for yourself and prevent conflict but no, it was not to their liking, so they decided to blow shit up. Their behaviour was disgusting. You should’ve said that to the MIL when she said how tour treated her so disgustingly.
I understand the grief you have about the loss of familial relationships for your baby. I’ve been there! But they couldn’t even patch things up for the sake of the baby. If they were genuinely hurt, why couldn’t they reach out? Because it’s not genuine hurt. They’re having a tantrum. It’s not a strong personality. It’s selfish and self absorbed, stubborn, prideful, childish, and vindictive. Honestly, I’m appalled!
Try on focus on nurturing all the wonderful relationships your baby will have! Trust, this child will have many 🙂
I do think you dodged a bullet here.
Yep I’d count this as a win. If MIL only sees two options available, getting EXACTLY her way without so much as a blink in response or she goes no contact, this was inevitable, especially if she’s done this twice before. Mines not that extreme but we’re VLC with her after years of bad behaviour and yet she’s repeating chapter and verse the exact same behaviour with BIL and his family and getting the same VLC results so clearly she learned absolutely nothing. Their type, it’s their way or no way and it’s not sustainable long term to have a relationship with someone like that because inevitably, you will have to tell them no, you will not be able to bend over any further, and they’ll react. So, if it’s inevitable, may as well have been now!
Look it this way, the trash took it’s self out
[removed]
Yes. You dodged a huge missile.
I’d move, husband needs a job in the state where your family is and just pack up and move.
Don’t tell them.
There’s a reason none of their kids talk to them.
You definitely dodged a bullet.
Your MIL doesn’t want a relationship, she wants control. She fully intended on staying in that house and raising that baby by herself. I encourage your husband to seek employment elsewhere because his Mom will fire him at the worst moment for you guys. Bonus points if you move closer to your family.
In the meantime you and hubby should read the book Adult Children of Emotional Immature Parents.
I don’t think you did anything wrong. I’m not sure why you’re completely surprised? I mean when you talk to somebody in there, don’t have any relationship with their oldest two children. That’s a pretty good sign that the problem isn’t the children, for both of them to have no contact.
I suggest your husband finds another job and you cut these people out of your life completely .
Maybe your husband should look up the older siblings and see if he can reconnect with them ?
I agree with other comments that the estrangement is solely on their heads and that DH should probably seek different employment, sooner rather than later, but would also like to suggest that you take this opportunity to move closer to your side of the family for their love and support.
Also, whatever happened to the McMansion they were supposedly having built? Was that a fantasy, a ploy to move into your home?
the fact that all their other children are no-contact is pretty telling… Clearly they do not recognize the common denominator here, which is THEIR behavior. I’d say your dodging a bullet by getting out of that situation before they had formed a bond with your child.
Your husband needs to find a new job.
It’s pretty amusing that according to her you take no time to self reflect, but she’s currently no contact with three out of four of her children and she’s still the victim.
How is your husband still working for them? I’m very surprised they didn’t fire him.
I think you should be happy with NC and be very careful with re-establishing a relationship with them. You know she does not accept boundaries.
Please, please, please tell your husband to find a new job! I wouldn’t be surprised if he comes home any day now saying they fired him
Did you MAYBE dodge this one?! You CERTAINLY dodged it. It is enraging that she is gaslighting you by acting like your simple boundary is unreasonable, but at the end of the day, having this woman go NC is the ideal scenario. I agree with others that your husband needs to find other work.
Hopefully, this won’t happen, but if y’all decide to get together for the holidays, insist on no gift exchange. Just say you want to spend time together. Don’t ever let her weaponize “gifts” again. I have a person in my life who uses gifts as a means of control and it is such a mind fuck.
Also just want to point out that being NC with even one of your children is fairly unusual. To be NC with three? Who is the common denominator here?
Your husband needs to find a new job, but other than that, this is a win.
Now to learn how to move past these toxic people and your husband find a new job, and you will be set. They have a pattern of behavior and it won’t change unless they make the necessary changes.
So now you know why the oldest two children are no longer in contact and you’ve never met them. Perhaps your husband should consider introducing his wife and child to his siblings, as well as looking for new employment.