I am the son of the MIL in question, and I’m trying to gain as much insight and ideas as possible to help navigate my situation.
-Were you ever able to resolve the issues with your MIL in a way that allowed for a relationship, even if it was just being civil for your husband?
-Were you willing to concede some of your disdain for your MIL/FIL to allow your husband to still have a relationship with his parents?
-Is there a situation that you would be comfortable with allowing your husband and children to have a relationship with your MIL/FIL, while not having one yourself?
-Can your husband validate your feelings, while still continuing a relationship with his MIL/FIL/family?
I know that this subreddit is primarily to vent about your MIL, and I expect to recieve some backlash, but I really want to know if anyone has had a positive outcome after a rocky start with their MIL. Thank you to those willing to help!
Edit: i realized that I put that I am the husband, but I am the SON of said MIL. Sorry for any confusion!
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I’m reading between the lines here – it sounds like your wife has some conflict with one of your children and/or their spouse?
I have no idea what your actual child or their spouse thinks, but have you tried (a) examining your own behavior and (b) apologizing? I mean, those are always great starts to mending relationships.
What have you personally done to support the child involved here? Is your wife normally a cause of conflict?
FWIW, the difficult family members in my marriage are my family, not my in-laws. Part of my inability to deal with my own parents’ behavior is because they treated my spouse really poorly. Once we had children, it got a LOT worse and so I finally ended up cutting contact.
OP, I wrote a really long comment, replying to your post.
Instead of sharing that, I’m going to say the following thing and I want you to know that there is a caveat.
The caveat is that we are internet strangers. I do not know anything more about you than what you shared in your post and I’m making a lot of assumptions in my following comment. You can listen to what I say or not. Again, we are internet strangers and I will not be offended if you disagree with what I say.
If your son and daughter-in-law have asked you and your wife to take a step back from the relationship that they and their nuclear family have with you or her, please respect it.
My in-laws consistently shared a level of disrespect for my husband and I. They struggled with respecting him and I as adults, as parents, as homeowners, and as peers. That disrespect set the stage for our current relationship.
And yes, as a parent, it is absolutely my responsibility to ensure that my children are safe- emotionally, mentally, and physically. Whatever I have to do to ensure their safety and mine, is what my husband and I are going to do.
You are going to need to tell us the issue between your wife and your mother. Please explain it from your wife’s point of view. Only then can you learn anything helpful about whether it is possible to reach some sort of detente.
I don’t know your situation, but it sounds like you are aware your mother has been out of line (at best) to your wife. And the first two questions you’ve asked were essentially if your wife would ever get over it for your sake. I would suggest maybe switching your perspective from “how can this be minimized for my comfort” to “what’s a healthy relationship and is that possible from my mother”?