My wife (31F) and I (28M) are married for one year, and our relationship is amazing, we get along great and enjoy our marriage. I also have a sister (37F) who is single, and my mom (61F) is divorced 2 times.
At the beginning everything was great, they were getting along pretty well, but the problems started around the time I proposed to my wife. My family was quite against the idea of me buying an expensive diamond ring for her (around 2 monthly salaries at the previous job in which I earned 60% of what I earn today + was saving for that) but I didn’t care because I wanted to show my commitment to my wife with something beautiful and I don’t have a problem to splurge on her if I have the means.
Then the wedding came. Her family offered to pay for the honeymoon and some additional costs from the wedding, such as live music, while I was supposed to cover everything else. I asked my family if they could pay for the wedding, which they did under the condition for me to pay them back the amount we agreed on, which I did fully in the next few months.
The real problem started around November, when my sister, out of nowhere, made a rude comment to me that if we get a baby now, we will end up in a lot of debts and homeless, and that we will be forced to return to my home country because we will not have enough money for anything (I am working full time and getting quite a good money, while my wife is unemployed for the last 1.5 years because she was completing her Master’s degree). She then joined forces with my mom and they started to attack me together how it is absolutely crazy idea to have a baby now, even though I told them explicitly multiple times that we are not planning to have a baby at that moment. It didn’t help when I said that my MIL has our backs no matter what, to which they started to berate me that I am not a real man if I would allow my MIL to give us money.
I first ignored it but after Christmas and very weird atmosphere that was going on, especially from my sister, I started to overthink about this, I fell into a bit of depression and had an overall hard time because of how shocking those comments were and how our marriage was treated as a joke. My wife of course noticed something is going on, and after a few months I decided to tell her what happened, which completely broke her heart. She wanted to talk to them immediately, but I assured her that I would talk with them, which I did multiple times about it and they promised me it will never happen again and that this interaction came out of genuine care about us and they only want the best for us, but I told them that we are adults and that no one asked them for their opinions about our situation.
One other incident happened that my wife doesn’t even know about – when we decided to not come for Easter this year, my mom attacked me that I am an embarrassment to the family and that I don’t know the value of family. She even said that it is very clear that no one is asking me anything in the marriage and that my opinion doesn’t matter. She very clearly forgot about all the times when my wife was coming to us for Christmas and Easter in all the earlier years, and choosing to celebrate it with us instead of celebrating it with her family.
My wife is full of pride, integrity, and morals, which I love about her, and she pays a lot of attention to some small details, treats everyone with respect, kindness and puts in a lot of efforts into her relationships with others, especially if it is my family and wants to get back the same treatment that she gives to others (which is why she gets disappointed in people often). For example when she brings the gift when we visit my family, she expects to also get the gift when my family comes to visit us, which didn’t happen the last time my sister visited us (she took us out to the restaurants however). My wife got mad and said it is very disrespectful to come to visit someone empty handed and we had quite a big dispute over it, with her mentioning that her family always brings us gifts and also takes us to the restaurants and cafes, so that the same treatment from my family would be the only fair thing. I personally do not think it is coming from the materialistic attitude, but from the fact that she puts much effort into bringing something nice to someone, and they don’t even put a minimum effort doing the same thing.
Fast forward to June, we had a huge argument about my family again, and she decided to write a message to my sister, stating that she knows about the comments, that she really hurt her deep and that she should first think about her own private life instead of ours, and that she embarrassed herself. No response came from my sister.
2 weeks later we decided to call my mom because I insisted on it and thought it would be helpful, but I was very wrong. She was downplaying the whole situation, saying that it was just a small comment that came from the genuine care and why are we discussing this 8 months later. When my wife said that those words hurt me very deeply, my mom laughed sarcastically and started saying that we have a problem if no one can say anything to us. My mom demanded us to send her that message, claiming that she never saw it, starting to explain how my sister was like a second mom to me my whole life (basically saying that my relationship with her is more important than the one I have with my wife) and when my wife said that my sister should apologize to her, my mom said that she thinks my wife should actually be the one who needs to apologize. My wife got extremely mad, said to her that this is unbelievable and that she will never allow them to be near us or our kids.
I tried to talk to my mom the day later, saying that we are hurt very deep and that our marriage is suffering because of some ruthless comment, and that they should accept the fact that I chose my wife and I am forever going to be on her side. My mom just said that she cannot talk right now and later sent me the message that we are not welcome home this summer. I decided to block both of them as I had to fix my marriage first, which was seriously damaged because of this incident. In the next 2 weeks, my psychologist called me to tell me they went to speak with her, trying to convince her that my wife is manipulating, controlling me, cutting me off from everyone and that she is materialistic, they told my uncle to forbid us staying at his house for the summer vacation, removed me from the Spotify family account and demanded that I return the laptop they gifted me for the wedding, and after I sent it and it didn’t arrive because of some post issues, they threatened to take legal actions (the laptop is registered on their company).
I understand my mistake very well, oversharing days are long gone and I will make sure that it never happens again, and I will never allow anyone to try to step between me and my wife. If someone tries to make me pick between them and her, it will be the easiest decision of my life and they will not like the answer. I see clearly now that I was being controlled my whole life and doing things they thought are right for me, but as soon as I started to put some boundaries and living the life in a different way that they wanted me to do it, their toxic traits came out big time. I had a lot of discussion (and unfortunately, arguments) with my wife about this situation and we are in the NC for the last 2 months with them. We went back to my home country, saw everyone from the family except for them and overall had an amazing time, and to top it off, we found out my wife is pregnant! The happiest day of our life! I believe it might be connected with the fact that we were out of all the drama and could focus purely on us. We decided it will be a secret for everyone and we will reveal it only after the 2nd trimester passes.
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It sounds like you’ve come a long way. I think you could benefit from reading “When He’s Married to Mom” by Dr. Ken Adams. It’s a great book about how mother’s in a man’s childhood puts strain on their marriage. It’s a good read to understand family enmeshment and I believe the comment about your sister also being like a mother to you and their refusal to accept you as an autonomous person could be a sign of enmeshment.
ngl ur mom n sis sound jealous af that u actually built smth healthy with ur wife. ppl hate seeing u break free from the script they wrote for u.
bro this is textbook control tactics. the second u stop being their puppet they label ur wife manipulative. classic projection.
I’m so happy for your new life and the baby! It’s all gonna be good guys💕
Talking about value of family, your family now is your wife and the family you start with her. About babies, does your sister have any? Maybe if she doesn’t, you find the reason right there why she doesn’t want you to have any.
If you do decide to end MC, look up info dieting and grey rocking.
Not gonna lie ur wife handled that with way more grace than most ppl would she sounds like a real one
I remember OP’s wife’s post about the gifts. It was hard for people to understand the expectation because the culture where this was so strongly expected wasn’t explained/disclosed so reactions were pretty confused/negative. I think that was on the relationship advice subreddit. Interesting additional context here. It sounds like a situation where being too close or having too much honesty between family + unmet expectations of how family works is causing tensions. I’ve actually found that establishing a more quiet/distant stance has helped immensely in my culture where a similar normalizing of over sharing/nosiness/interference exists. Even my parents have started doing it with their own problem relatives. It’s just more peaceful when nothing of actual importance is ever discussed.
I wouldn’t tell your family about that baby at all. They don’t appreciate, love or respect you. I’m so sorry but they don’t.
Your mother and sister are, unfortunately, those women who end up single forever unwillingly and are now bitter. You have a healthy and happy relationship and they truly hate to see it. They don’t respect your wife because they know she’s way above them. You and your wife are in a better spot now, her body even proved that! 🙂 congrats on the pregnancy and healthy wishes !
The way you told this story, your sister and mother are some nasty controlling people. I think you’re in the right by going NC.
Live your life, enjoy this beautiful moment with your wife and if you even smell drama comming from your sister and mother, just cut them off again.
Don’t give them the power over your life.
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congratulations! you’re breaking the cycle!
i hope some of your family members will be too smart to believe your mother and sister. if people ask, try to speak about continuous patterns of disrespect and insults, not list specific incidents. there’s a tendency to want to ‘prove’ we’re not crazy, but just the texts and insults are enough to do that. definitely skip the one about gifts – while you and your wife are reading the situation correctly, it’s easier to misunderstand compared to other stories.
You did the right thing by going NC! Your family sounds like they want to control your life and sometimes, the best thing you can do is to cut contact.
Congrats on expanding your family 🖤
You’ve posted this before and people told you where you went wrong then. Congratulations on the baby and I hope that you will learn to keep your business to yourself in regards to your marriage. You’ve done a good job of pushing your mom and sister out of your marriage. Keep it that way. When they hear about the baby, they’ll come so be prepared
Congratulations you are a worthy man and husband and you should be proud of yourself as should your wife! Men should take a page out your guide book! Congratulations on your pregnancy that is awesome news. Now prepare yourselves because as soon as your mom and sister find out they will come full force so don’t let them in period, you and wife have come a long way repairing your relationship don’t let them toxicity ruin all your hard work.