I don’t mind that she didn’t text me, I’ve been LC since February but I’ve texted her for her birthday and holidays.
What is too late to wish someone happy birthday? She has texted me every yr for the past 11 years but not this year, it’s 3 days past now, she also just learned that we’re pregnant and told DH to enjoy HIS pregnancy lol. I just want to know if she doesn’t text me by X date can I relinquish myself from texting her happy bday and holidays.
When we told her about the pregnancy she said to us “so happy for you guys, can’t wait to celebrate together” she hasn’t said anything directly to me about the pregnancy or checking in on me. Which I was worried she was going to do but glad she hasn’t tbh because I don’t know how I would handle a 180° change, mostly because DH has been like “if she opens her arms, you should at least try” no she’s had 2 years (since married, I don’t count dating) to try, I’m good on that.
Spark note for color (I’ve gone over these before but to minimize the need to review past posts):
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she told me I was going to be a bad mom (before I was pregnant) because I wouldn’t let her babysit after saying multiple times grandmas don’t have to follow rules. (Examples: No certain foods, no hugging/kissing if the kid says no, and no bribing the kids for hugs and kisses etc) she said she doesn’t have to follow these rules.
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told me on our wedding day it was rude that MY MOTHER helped me get dressed into my wedding dress and it should’ve been both of them.
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told me I didn’t pay attention to her on my wedding day
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she told me to cancel the lease on our car because of a 3rd party charging situation and I told her the dealership doesn’t care about that and called me rude because she looked up our lease and knows what we’re “allowed” to do
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I was sick the day her nieces were suppose to visit us and we said my husband would see them outside and not inside the apartment. And she told me I can wait in the bedroom for 5 mins so she can show the nieces the apartment. I told her I’m not a prop and this is my home so no I will not be doing that. And she said “it’s pure compromise” and I said “that’s not your compromise to offer as this is not your home”
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she has argued with me at every visit (minus public lunches) I have seen her at since she moved 45 min away from us as she use to be 7-8 hrs away. It’s been 2 years since she moved.
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Other posts from /u/Weary_Literature8962:
Telling MIL about pregnancy, or not., 3 weeks ago
The manipulation is CRAZY, 2 months ago
MIL inviting herself over more lately, 3 months ago
Passive “notes” to me from JNMIL, 4 months ago
Another Visit from Hell <3, 5 months ago
Another MIL visit prep session, 9 months ago
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For a MIL honestly I would only expect day of bday wish or at most the next day with an apologetic belated bday. (Saying this as someone whose MIL commented “HBD!” on a bday post my husband made on IG this year and has never personally given me birthday wishes)
But don’t go tit for tat with her. Relinquish yourself now. You clearly have enough good reason to not be making pleasantries with her anyway. She didn’t wish you a HBD and has had 3 days to do it. That speaks volumes. IMO there’s no difference at this point compared to next week.
Happy belated, btw.
Why is a Happy Birthday text from her important to you? You are LC for a reason. Be glad you are absolved from responsibility to text her and she is not contacting you. Your husband can wish her a happy birthday, it’s his Mom. Remove yourself from needing a connection/approval with someone incapable of it. If she wanted to change and properly apologize she has had plenty of time. I would never walk back into that lion’s den. If they can reel you back in, it will only be worse because they will punish you and they know how to guilt you.
Your DH is wrong and I would have stopped texting her at all by bullet point 4. She wants to label me rude for living my life? Ok.
Drop the rope.
Your birthday comes once a year and she hasn’t missed it for eleven past, so I’d say you’re in the clear to drop more rope.
First Thought: I think you can stop the birthday/holiday texts now (and you could have stopped them before now). I think it is more authentic to who you are and the place she holds in your life to not continue with the performative texting.
Second Thought: As women, I think it is important to normalize not reaching out to people in our lives we don’t like. (I know it goes much deeper than that in OP’s case – OP’s MIL is objectively terrible). But seriously, I think it should be standard operating procedure that is acceptable to not pursue relationships with people who make our lives worse, who annoy the crap out of us, who act as if they are entitled to our time/our person/our private information/our PTO, etc.
Do the men in our lives pursue relationships with people they don’t like? Do the men in our lives send happy birthday and happy holiday text messages to people they don’t like? Nope.
Why do we do it?
…We do it because society tells us we have to, that we must carry the emotional load for the household – even when it comes to our in laws – which should always have been our spouse’s responsibility.
So, I’ve decided that I’m staging a revolution. Who’s with me? No more pursuing relationships, putting in all the effort without reciprocation, and sacrificing ourselves to please people we don’t like!
…hopefully I’ve printed enough pamphlets.
Matching her energy is 100% recommended. Or lack of energy.
You are LC. Maybe MIL is matching that energy with you.
Ha, mine didn’t either. It’s now given me permission to pretty much fully go NC and she definitely doesn’t get access to my little one anymore. It’s bitter old hag’s fault!
Take the win, you have to talk to her less. My MIL pretty much never gave me birthday wishes (she “forgot” & my b-day is 2 weeks after her son/DH – no, that did not jog her memory). I felt it was nice not to hear from her.
What is your DH’s take on all this? Her comments, judgements & pushiness are pretty overbearing.
Do not wait for a date. What she’s doing is intentional.