My husband and I, both in our late 20’s have been living together for over 7 years and married for 2. Two years ago my husband started the process to get my mil a visa to come to the USA. We live states away from our family and he has one brother that lives in our city. I dont feel too great about his brother , just to give a short back story, his brother was caught cheating on his wife ( they have a daughter together under 7) and his wife blamed me and said I told her which I had no idea this was even going on. My husband and his brother got into it because his brother really believed I had everything to do with it. So they lost contact for a few years, and recently got back in touch even though we live in the same city. Fast forward everything with my mil and her visa is coming to an end as she just received her visa yesterday. The whole point of this is originally my husband told me his mom was moving in with his brother to help with their baby, but then he just told me that she is moving in with us because his brothers wife’s 18 year she lost custody of is now moved back in with them and she took the extra room my mil was going to stay in. I found this out a month ago, my husband called while he was at work at said we need to get the extra room ready because his mom was moving in with us. Not sure if I overreacted but I started bawling and said I would call him back later and he was confused. I guess it took me by surprise because in the past he told me he never had a good relationship with her and she sent him when he was little to live with her parents( his grandparents) because they could not get along. So I felt overwhelmed and feel like my privacy is going to be taken away. ( we live in a 2 bedroom 1 bath, with 4 pets, 2 of which are not friendly, not to mention she is also allergic to cats) now my husband won’t stop saying he can’t wait for her to be here, she will be cooking for us all the time and the house will be clean because she is great at that( is what he is saying but mind you I take pride in cleaning and taking care of my house while he works and I’m unemployed at the moment) When i finally called him back and communicated that I felt a certain way because he didn’t ask me if this was even okay he just dumped it on me, he got very upset and said I have no choice to be okay with this because where will she go. Now I feel torn because if I wanted to live with parents I would go back with mine that I can’t just see easily states away. I tried letting him know we won’t have privacy, he is the only one that works at the moment so we will obviously be financially supporting her. I am scared it will strain our marriage. There’s a language barrier so I don’t communicate with her as she doesn’t with me either. My husband doesn’t communicate with her every day on the phone because of how she is . I just don’t get why he’s being so positive and okay with everything knowing of their past. I can’t find it in me to at all because of what happened with the brother and just him not asking me if it’s even okay or how I even feel about it and just making that decision on his own even though we are married. I’m torn and I don’t know what to do or how to even feel. I don’t feel validated in how I feel and I try to understand where he’s coming from with his mom but I don’t know how to. I can’t even bring up how I feel without him getting upset and saying we have no choice. I just need reassurance that everything will be okay but I’m not getting that. Any advice?
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I can only imagine how overwhelming this must be for you, especially given the history of his relationship with his mom, the challenges with his brother, and overall you not having a relationship with this woman.
From your husband’s perspective, it’s crushing to imagine being sent away to live with grandparents as a small child. Children learn to do anything they can to stay connected to their parents, and often that pattern continues into adulthood, even at the cost of their marriages/relationship. The positive remarks about his mom moving in sound almost like a protective mechanism spoken outloud, trying to convince himself (and perhaps you?) that it will be okay.
From a marriage perspective, he is doing something incredibly damaging: he made a decision about your marital home/safe space without consulting you. This is a decision that needed to be made together and by doing this, he has prioritized his mother’s needs and his own need to be a “good son” over your marriage.
If this is snowballing forward, you will want to discuss expectations ahead of time. Who is paying for food? Who is making meals? Who cleans? When does she go out so you can have your own privacy? Are there limits in your space that she is not allowed to go into? What will you both do if she does something disrepectful to yu? (He should be the one to communicate it). What is the end date for her to move out?
But if you can slow this down, it sounds like you both need to have a values conversation and what is really important to you. Having him generate the answers to these (so he doesn’t get more defensive to you telling him): What are the pros to your marriage to having her stay there? What is the short term gain and long term cost?
This is very tough. Why is she coming (no husband, job? Coming for retirement? Are her son’s the retirement plan?)? There needs to be a conversation about what this will actually be like. First question/concern – how long is she with you, is this permanent? Can you get a bigger place? (Do you have friends nearby when you need to escape for a bit?). Why is there no choice? Can you find low cost apartments in your area for her?
Second concern – do not get pregnant until you know how this will go. Will she be allowed to be in charge of your space? Will she interfere in your relationship? Will DH stand up to her on your behalf if she is unpleasant in any way?
Your DH sounds happy to have his mommy taking care of him again. If there are truly no other options, I would see how this goes (2-4 weeks) before you restart talks with DH. Either he stands up for you, your relationship and your home, or you rethink if you want to be married to him. Marriage should be a partnership with decisions, and you didn’t get a say (or you are coerced with the “what else will she do? – then why is she coming?).
NOR if MIL moves in you will never get rid of her. I doubt things are going to go the way your husband thinks. This should be a Two Yes decision. Speak up now.
Lawyer. Now. Start divorce proceedings. He told you straight up that his mother, with whom he barely has a relationship, is more important than you.
MIL is never moving out and you need to understand that. Your husband does not care if you don’t like it. MIL is his mother and he will never have her leave, putting her first before you.
You are young. You need to decide if you want to live your life with your MIL always living with you. From reading your post, I sure wouldn’t do it, but this is your decision not mine.
Once MIL moves in, you will find that your life has been completely disrupted and MIL will start to take over because your husband will let her. Reddit is full of posts from OP like you, describing your exact situation. None worked out very well from the wife. Read them for yourself.
Wish you the best. You need to fully realize what is about to happen to you.
He’s positive and ok with it because he’s gone all day at work. He’s positive and ok with it because his mother dumped him with relatives to raise and he’s finally getting his mommy back. He didn’t ask you if this is ok because he doesn’t care if you’re OK with his decision. This is happening with or without your consent.
So, you have two choices. You can live with MIL in your husband’s home (cuz your husband made it clear it isn’t your home, it’s his) and grow resentful, or you can go for an extended visit to that family you mentioned.
Frankly, I’d choose to go stay with relatives, get a job and start saving as much money as possible. Right now, you are limiting your choices by being fully dependent financially on your husband and your husband damn sure knows it.
Your MIL is not the problem.
This will be hell for you and you don’t have to stay.
I know this adds extra complications but at this point he needs to hear that if she moves in, you will move out.
He can’t reassure you that everything will be okay because it absolutely will not. I’m so sorry, OP. You need to tell him to choose between you (the family he’s created) and her. And if he won’t, and it sounds like he’s refusing to, you need to pack up and go home.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear but this is the reality your husband has created. He dumped this on you, expecting to steamroll you with no chance of you having a say. When you actually said no, I’m having my say, this is how I feel, he told you there’s no choice. There IS a choice. The brother committed to having her, the brother can figure it out. You never committed to housing her, as a couple. YOU certainly never did, as an individual who lives in the home.
You don’t need to give this a chance. Your instincts are good. Go visit your parents or a good friend. Or go stay in a hotel if you need to. But get out of that space and let your husband know you’ll be back when he decides if he wants the vagina he comes into or the vagina he came out of. (Crude but I got it from this forum and it sums things up nicely, IMO.)
He just showed you who he is and who he is going to prioritize, and it isn’t you. This sunshine & rainbows picture he is painting is his fantasy. He also knows very well that he doesn’t get along with her, so if this do-over doesn’t work, it will be your fault for being the buffer/ scapegoat he needs. If you feel like talking it over with him to get a feel for his expectations, do it. Don’t show too much displeasure because you want to know the truth. He has already painted the situation in a positive light to get you to go along with it, which deep down he knows is all lies.
If there is no real plan for her to get her own place, get out. Get all your important items and go stay with your family. Rent an SUV if you have to, and leave him a note while he is at work. Tell him that you are giving him space to reacquaint himself with his Mom. That way he can’t blame anyone but himself when it all goes haywire.
Odds are it’ll destroy your marriage, and he’ll let it unless you push back. Not overreacting at all.
He knows he won’t have to deal with her because he will be at work. The brunt of it will fall to you.
Get a job any job so you are out of your house and putting money away for the inevitable divorce
Move back with your parents, get a job, and start over. This is a nightmare.
Time to get your ducks lined up
Ahem: YOU ARE AN ADULT. You need to talk to your spouse. You do not have to allow another adult to come live in your home when you do not want to.
None of us can put your foot down for you.
He’s being positive because he knows that he will not have to deal with her all day every day, because he will be working. He’s positive because he knows that the brunt of her mistreatment and invasion of privacy will be absorbed by you.
He is in no way treating you like a partner. He has no right to make this kind of decision on his own. If you don’t do something now, then it sets a terrible precedent and both he and his mother will walk all over you, especially since you are financially dependent on him. Move back with your parents and work on finding employment. Please
She’s going to insist you get rid of your cats.
I would divorce a husband who thinks it’s okay to FORCE this on me.
It’s your home too but your husband makes all of the decisions?
I’d be clear ( if you won’t divorce him) that he is responsible for her. Not you.
What country is she moving from? How do they treat women there?
Are you sure this wasn’t the plan all along? You seem to be a second class citizen to your husband.
You’re definitely not overreacting.
If you’re not leaving him, you’re under reacting.
Get another cat.
I think your marriage is already strained if Husband thought it was perfectly ok to announce a major decision that directly affects your marriage and home life — huge red flag telling you that Mummy is his priority and he expects you to suck it up. Is this ok for the rest of your life?
You should go live with your parents. If a husband just makes a decision like that without getting an okay from you, this shows that he has no respect for you and your marriage. There need to be consequences for him doing this or nothing will ever get better.
Yeah that’s not ok it’s both of your home not his. He should’ve asked if it was ok first. She will 100% strain your marriage and take up space in a small apartment. Does he have a timeline? Idk if it were me I’d probably tell him his mom needs to stay where she is or I’m leaving and he can live with mom. Then go stay with your parents.
You’ve received very good advice here. I’ll stress that you need to find employment. There is a layer of financial abuse here by your husband, in addition to all of the other problems highlighted in the comments below. Get your own purse and keep control of those strings. You cannot be financially dependent on an inconsiderate, mother enmeshed man.
I would move out and go back with my parents. I’m being serious. It’s a major problem that he decided this without asking you and then when you said you don’t want this he gave you a hard time and is moving forward with it anyway. It shows he doesn’t see the house as yours and you as an equal. You need to leave
He made a decision to have her move in without discussing it with you. He will continue to make major decisions without your input.
Is that how you want to live the remainder of your life?
So u and her will be home together ALL DAY LONG, sounds fun. And now brother and his family will be stopping by more to see mom. Ur life is gonna be so uncomfortable. Does she have to come over? Is she trying to get out of her country, or is this just to visit? I would be livid they just make huge choices without my input. I would go back home, get a job even if part time to begin, it’s so nice to never need to depend on anyone, u will never feel stuck in a shit situation where someone doesn’t value u.
Everything will not be okay, I’m sorry to say. You don’t want her in your home. She is allergic to (at least) half of your pets. You already live in a small space. He is anticipating her “taking over” the responsibilities that you currently fulfill and take pride in — keeping a tidy home and cooking. You have not been a factor in this equation whatsoever, and that’s very important to keep in mind, because you and he are supposed to be a team, and while you’ll disagree at points, this decision should never, ever be an executive one: both parties are on board with a permanent resident, or said resident doesn’t move in.
What do you know of your husband’s culture? What is the general family hierarchy (because believe you me, there ain’t no way in hell she’s going to adapt to the culture of where she’s moving to, she will expect that her culture and religion reign in your home)? It sounds like she’s from a place where Mommy is a queen, to be doted on and supported by her sons, and that daughters/DIL are going to be utterly insignificant in the grand scheme of things. It’ll make your head spin how quickly he’ll fall back into that pattern and expect you to do so as well.
I honestly feel that you’re underreacting to this entire situation. From my POV, you have two options:
What your husband is doing to you is borderline abusive, especially from a financial standpoint. He’s acting as if your unemployment gives him more say in this matter, and that’s just not true.
I mean…. he TOLD you his mother was moving in. There was no discussion, no preamble, just “honey, I’ve made this decision that will majorly impact both our lives.” That isn’t okay, no matter what culture you’re from. There need to be ground rules before she arrives, there needs to be an exit plan. Because this isn’t a forever situation. It can’t be. If he’s in his late 20s, that mean mom is in her what, 50s? 60s tops? So still capable of working and being a productive member of the household. Or are you just expected to be her retirement plan?
No, OP, none of this is okay.
Why can’t she stay where she is? This is not ok. Your husband isn’t acting Ike a partner. He is acting like a dictator.
He’s being positive about it because he doesn’t want you to say no.
Get out n
he got very upset and said I have no choice to be okay with this
this is abusive. he cannot force anything upon you. you absolutely have a choice. has he been like this before? does he dismiss you, demean you, control you in other ways? does he act like you have no agency, no free will, no right to decide your own fate? does he insult you? make passive aggressive digs about your unemployment, your cooking, your cleaning ability (like it seems he already has done)? has he been physically abusive? has he tried to separate you from your friends and family?
Frankly, the one statement I highlighted would be enough for me to start an escape plan and divorce. If that is not enough for you, I understand, but are the answers to any of my other questions a yes? if so, please seek help. Domestic violence centers and women’s health centers and pro bono attorneys don’t just help the victims of physical abuse. Living with your parents (especially while you are unemployed) may actually be your best option.
Go live your parents.
You don’t just invite someone to live in your home without the person you live with agreeing. You wouldn’t do that to a roommate and you especially should not do that to your wife.
Let your husband know you won’t even consider have a conversation about moving back to your home until his mom is out. It does not sound like your husband has any respect for you.
Your feelings are self-validated, simply by having them. Your husband may feel he has no choice, but you certainly still have that power. Tell him unequivocally “NO”. Point out how his life will be changed if you have no privacy. Does MIL know she will be expected to do all the cooking and cleaning? Because you certainly will not be her maidservant.
Husband is trying to steamroll both of you.
Go back and live with your parents. Get a job there. Tell him you’ll come back when his mother doesn’t live there anymore and when he agrees to marriage counseling. Myself, I’d be out before she even gets there. I’d be packing right now.
he is telling you that you have no choice in how your life will be, then telling you you can’t have feelings about having no choice. ‘but where will she go’ does not finish this argument – tell him you will not accept this. he can spend this time finding housing for her or you will leave. you are a free woman, not a prisoner. you control your own life.
He’s being ok and positive about it because he has hope that she will be the Mother He’s always wanted. I did that for decades.
How long is she gonna stay with you guys? Where is her husband? Also this sounds like a cross cultural marriage?
If she moves in, you move out. Simple as that. Let the chips fall where they may.
I would not allow this. You have a serious husband problem and you need to consider all your options such as consulting a divorce attorney