I turn 40 soon and my husband’s been dropping hints okay not so subtle ones about wanting another baby. We already have two kids and we love them more than anything but I really thought we were past the newborn stage. part of me wonders what it would be like to do it all over again now that we kind of know what were doing. The other part of me is
exhausted just thinking about night feeds changing diapers and resetting our whole rhythm.
My body doesn’t bounce back the way it used to and the thought of going through another pregnancy at this age
feels heavier than it did in my 30s. I’ve been looking into some of my health stuff more seriously lately just to get a clearer picture before making any big decisions. Im not sure if were really ready to go down this road again but were talking about it curious if anyone else had a baby around 40 or considered it was it worth it and what helped you decide?
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You may want to ask your doctor and I would not stop birth control. (You can get Opill over the counter at any pharmacy in the US.) Personally I’m in my 40s and I can’t imagine having another baby because it would set me back health-wise. Most of the people I know who had a baby past 40 it was not planned.
A lot of people are choosing to have babies later. But from this post it’s kind of unclear if you want that or would just be placating your husband? It’s for sure doable, but would you resent it?
I have a good friend who’s 42 and is desperately trying. She has 2 kids already from a shitty ex, and now she is (finally, yay her!) In a new marriage to a really great partner. She always wanted a big family, but has already had several losses in trying again. Now she’s spending all this money on supplements and trying her ass off, but its worth it to her because its something she knows deeply that she wants.
I think my point is, if its something you really want, its of course worth trying (and sooner rather than later), but if not… Its just a lot to put your body through if you’re not 100% wanting it.
This is something that should only happen if you’re the one who’s enthusiastic about it. I mean, him too of course, but he’s the one spearheading this and that’s not where the impetus should be coming from, and it says a lot. He can’t know what your body goes through, in pregnancy, birth, and the long (hopefully but not guaranteed) full recovery. And as you say, it’s new territory for you too, being older now, but you know for sure it’s going to be harder to some degree.
In other words, don’t do this if it’s because he really wants it. Only do it if you feel your family is incomplete and think you’d always regret it if you didn’t take the hit physically in order to do this.
I’m 39 and I have thought about fostering, but in the end I have enough on my plate with one middle schooler and one high schooler. It’s a lot. You don’t say what age your kids are, but think about also the logistics of having older kids. Once they are doing extracurricular activities, it can get pretty crazy. I have a kid in marching band and it’s totally normal to have a football game on a weeknight that goes until 10pm. Throwing a newborn in that mix sounds like a lot to me. Then again I’m a single mom without a coparent so you have to just think about your own situation.
I’m 41 and having major baby fever for a third but it doesn’t seem like a smart move at my age!
Keep in mind that the older the parents, the more likely the child will have congenital birth defects. Also think about if you want to be damn near 70 years old and having a teenager.
Do you have any friends with babies you could spend time with? Maybe immersing you back into that stage or having conversations with them about how they’re managing would add clarity?
Consider your lifestyle now and what parts would be impacted by “starting over.” Babies take a lot of mental energy. It’s worth considering if you’re ok with taking that on or not.
Personally pregnancy was so hard on my body I can’t fathom choosing to go through it again. I enjoyed my babies but also glad to be past that point.
If you aren’t sterilized, do it ASAP.
Voice of experience here: having a baby at 40 is a LOT different than having one at 35. You wouldn’t think so, til the fatigue sets in. And you’ll be having a lot more doctor appointments and testing. Is it doable? Hell yeah, it’s doable. But it’s no joke. But if you’re going to do it, get on that dinner than later, you’re hitting the steep part of the bell curve, if you know what I mean. So if your husband understands that you’re going to need a lot more care, and he’s ready to step up and pick up the slack without complaining…
My husband started hinting about a dog, and I made it very clear that all nighttime and bad weather potty breaks would be his job, and he suddenly realized how much he likes cats. 😁
Nope nope nope for me. I have two kids and am
Mid 30s. I work in part time childcare and as a doula and while I’m constantly reminded about how tender and precious pregnancy and newborn days are, I am also constantly reminded how hard they are. I also don’t want to be in my late 50s or early 60s with a high school/college student. I’d much rather be doing that in my late 40s or mid 50s.
My friend had one at 43 and said it was the easiest pregnancy she’s experienced. I know someone else who had one at 44 and the baby has a lot of developmental delays and needs and she feels overwhelmed by that. But obviously this is all so highly individual.
Maybe this is one of those situations where you could be happy on either path. Each path will mean you give something up and yet both would probably be great. Your family is complete whether you have 2 or 3 kids. I’m sure you know all this.
But first it sounds like you really need to figure out if you truly want a third child. No doubt you would love them and do everything you could for them and generally feel good about it. But do you want that? It’s ok not to want it, and it’s ok to realize that you really do want it after some soul-searching.
That’s going to put a dent in your old-age savings.
I am 42, and I dont have kids. I am an aunt with all my heart. But having kids at my age? They will be barely starting college when I’ll retire…
I have several friends who had babies in their 40s. I am in my mid-fifties, and I am having a blast. My kids are grown. I exercise, travel, and have tons of sex. I can pay more attention to my career and health.
My friends? I am utterly exhausted. No time for any. They are dealing with menopause and pre-tee tantrums
I had my second at 39. It was worth it because my husband and I always wanted two kids, and he was an easier baby than my first child. He slept better at an earlier age and hit his milestones faster. However, I developed post partum pre eclampsia that has likely turned into permanent hypertension, and I have to sleep with braces on my hands, which are consistently numb and/or in pain every morning if I don’t, probably due to lifting and holding my baby. There was also no guarantee that my second child would be an easy baby. You kind of roll the dice every time and have to accept the results no matter what. So, if your kid has challenges, that will not only impact you and your husband’s lives, but also that of your existing children. With my husband and I… if something cropped up later, like some sort of developmental thing that wasn’t immediately obvious on the prenatal scans, we figured that we aren’t outnumbered with two kids. We could trade off who can go and support kid #1 while the other stays home with kid #2. If we had three kids and the last one was challenging, that would be harder to handle. I also catch myself thinking about time lines. By the time my second graduates college, I’ll be 61, and if he marries at 30, I’ll be nearly 70. If he has a kid at 40 like me, then I’ll be nearly 80. Granted, the women in my family live until their mid-90s, so I likely have a longer ramp, but still. Your kid is going to lose you sooner. It’s just a lot to think about, and honestly if it’s not two enthusiastic yeses, it’s a no.
I watched my aunt & uncle have 2 kids in their 40s. They were tired all the time, and to me it looked like they had trouble keeping up with the toddler & young child energy. I think it caused some distance/resentment on the kids side towards them.
I had my kids at 38 and 41. Now I’m 44 and I keep thinking about having a third but I probably won’t