I’ve (44F) been with my boyfriend (36M) for almost a year now. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage, so we don’t often get alone time to have sex. When we do, he does literally nothing. I wish I was exaggerating – he lays on the bed and waits for me to do all the work, I’m responsible for my orgasm and his, and he didn’t even roll over to give me room on the bed after. We used to try for intimacy more, but I don’t even try to have my kids go somewhere else for the night anymore because it’s so unsatisftlying. He’s never touched any part of me except for some half hearted boob grabs a couple of sessions ago.
The most confusing part of this is, he’s very caring and attentive in every other way. He cooks, cleans, shows up when he says he will, and considers things that would make me happy. He just never touches me and there’s no physicality beyond small kisses when we say hello and goodbye.
I’m definitely not feeling desired and I’m worried it’s because he’s bi and not really attracted to me. We make great friends, but I never feel as though he is interested in my body or making me feel good. I do not feel desired.
I’ve talked with him about it and he just says he’s super vulnerable during sex. Okay… So that means you show no interest in my body?
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. I’m in a tough spot. I love him for him, and feel like he loves me, but I don’t feel any sexual desire from him for me. And it’s making me not desire him. I know most relationships end up this way, is normal and okay for one to be like this always? My kids dad and I had lots of sex, but there were so many other problems. Can I have a relatively problem free relationship without the carnal side?
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Yes, it’s called friendship or asexual partnership. But if you want/need sexual intimacy that feels more equal, and if it feels this bad to be treated that way (as it would for most of us), then you unfortunately do have a problem.
It’s good that you’ve tried to talk about it. And it’s even understandable that he may be feeling vulnerable during sex and kind of freezing up. But what is not OK is that he knows this troubles you and feels bad for you and yet is doing nothing at all to address it. That’s isolating you and forcing you to carry the burden.
Is couples therapy an option? If he were a complete asshole I’d say end it. And sexual incompatibility can really kill off a relationship. But you sound invested and so hopefully if you can communicate more about what this is doing to you, and he can talk about the tough things, you can make something different happen over time.
You mentioned he’s bi. Usually being bi makes no big difference than being straight in a relationship. But due to his lack of motivation, did you ask him if he would rather have sex with guys?
Very unlikely, but: Sure he’s not with you to get access to your kids?
I’ve read about a lot of cases in criminal psychology books where pedos pretended being in relationships with mothers to get access to the children and the women described this type of behavior.
Not sure why you feel “most relationships end like this.” It is truly not a foregone conclusion. Generally couples at first are happier and more sexually active. Overtime life happens and folks don’t prioritize emotional safety, which can lead to a decline in sexual desire. But not all relationships are like this.
It sounds like you love each other but may not be in love with each other. Which is totally fine, but you need to be okay with that being the long term relationship you’re signing up for. Personally, it’s not what I want because this would signal a lack of compatibility with a partner, so I would part ways and stay friends.
You know when you’re wanted (physically) and you don’t feel that from your partner. You aren’t imagining things and this doesn’t get better with time, it will get worse.
I got pregnant by someone who wasn’t all that attracted to me, but faked that he was. We got married and my life was a psychological hell. He told me he loved me, but within six months of being married he stopped all intimacy. He refused to do provide any loving touch, no making out, no back rubs, no snuggling…and most of all no sex. It destroyed my self esteem and like you’re starting to do, I questions everything about myself. We had sex three times (!) In our six years being married.
The bottom line? He was never attracted to me and I almost killed myself trying to make my self into someone he wanted. Even if he’s great in all other areas, this is an important one so please don’t settle for less than mutual attraction.
There is a good chance it doesn’t have much to do with you.
Maybe he is anxious, has insecurities, has desires he is not able to speak about because he is ashamed, has a low sex drive to begin with – there is a lot of possibilities why he is either holding back or not having incentive in the first place. For many men, sex isn’t easy, whatever porn wants us to believe (not even bad sex).
But you say you have to do „all the work“ in bed – did you really discuss that with him? What did he say?
Have you considered consulting or books to figure out what sex can mean for you two together?
It’s not your job to do so, but he seems not up to the task of doing it himself, so if nobody does, you will only grow more and more frustrated because you are seemingly missing something that is important for you in your love relationship – and it’s something you likely can’t get elsewhere, either?
This really doesn’t seem sustainable long term. It seems like you’d be having way more satisfying sex all by yourself with him not even being in the room with you. And while relationships may result in sex slowing down, not to this sort of extent. I would be wondering if he’s asexual, or not into women at all.
I’d expect over time that you’ll be less and less satisfied with this arrangement. It would be far easier to cut things off now than wait until you simply can’t take it anymore.
Lavender marriage? While intimacy is different from sex, he could get his testosterone levels tested.