This is going to be a vent, I’m sorry, TW SA: I am so tired of it and my last boyfriend was the worst of them all; he was abusive in all kinds of ways but he coerced, sometimes forced me, into oral sex many times, and particularly into doing things that I said from the beginning I will never be open to doing (anal-stuff). I have given him multiple blowjobs while crying. Every man I have dated has done this to me in some way… whether it’s ignoring my “no”‘s and “stop”‘s, guilt tripping, silent treatment, or flat out making me feel like I am the worst person alive for refusing. I have performed sexual acts for self preservation more times than I can count. For a solid 2 years I thought I was a lesbian because sex with men just becomes so unenjoyable after a month or two of being with them because they all end up pulling this bullshit on me. And I am sick of people telling me I need to “go for the right guy.” Every man I have dated is wildly different and some of these men are wolves in sheeps’ clothing. Even a guy friend I have, that I trusted so far, said “well I heard that the women wanted him to do it,” when someone brought up Louis C.K.’s predatory behavior and now I just can’t look at him the same. It’s like I realized, you will never understand my perspective, because your immediate instinct is to blame the women when this happens, and that makes us different.
I want to date. I want to find my person one day. I want love. I want mutual respect. I want to be with someone who is proud of me and I am proud of them. I am really worried, especially after my last relationship with a man, that I am just traumatized now and I am going to become the red flag in relationships– I’m going to be defensive, mean, quick to assume… whenever I am attracted to a man now I just stop talking to him and don’t entertain anything. I am a conventionally attractive woman, and because of my looks I don’t have a difficult time drawing in men I am attracted to… but now I just choose to shut it down because I know they are interested for my looks at the end of the day, and I just tell myself that he is only nice to me because he hasn’t had a turn yet. It has ruined my self esteem too… I question if I am even smart, funny, a talented artist at all or if I just get the attention I get because I am a potential fuck. When I was in college, a female professor even accused a male professor of mine of having sexual relations with me after he offered me a research opportunity that I worked my ass off for. I am angry all the time and I’m wondering if I just need to wait until I am aging and no longer desirable for men to just treat me like a person. I didn’t want to be this way. I’m not going to therapy anymore because it is too expensive. I just didn’t think it was a lot for me to ask that someone gives a shit about how I feel but it’s feeling like it’s a big ask and I am so jaded and done with dating… but simultaneously I crave love deeply. It is difficult to navigate.
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Therapy therapy therapy
Stop dating NOW and do some energetic therapy EMDR and/or EFT. If you weren’t traumatised prior to the rapes, then you are now. There’s a lot you have to unpack before you can date and have healthy relationships.
>I am really worried, especially after my last relationship with a man, that I am just traumatized now and I am going to become the red flag in relationships– I’m going to be defensive, mean, quick to assume… whenever I am attracted to a man now I just stop talking to him and don’t entertain anything.
It is odd that your main worry is about being a “red flag” instead of prioritizing your own well being. I am not attacking you, i am just trying to make you think of why your main priority is to be seen as behaving desirable and agreeable to man, rather than thinking you have every right to set boundries.
You have every right to put yourself first and if someone doesnt like it, he isnt right for you. If they take this the wrong way, they arent right for you.
Man of our generation have a porn brain, woman crying, being slapt, chocked and assaulted is something they grew up watching since they were 13. I honestly cannot find a single guy that doesnt want to chocke me and multiple friends even tell me that what they like about anal, is exactly the fact that woman put themselves in pain for them. Like it turns them on that they can have that kind of control and someone would be willing to “endure” something for them, especially if it causes them pain.
>I have given him multiple blowjobs while crying. Every man I have dated has done this to me in some way… whether it’s ignoring my “no”‘s and “stop”‘s, guilt tripping, silent treatment, or flat out making me feel like I am the worst person alive for refusing.
This is sexual coercion. If you say no, it is a no and you leave. Never put your own well being underneath someone elses selfish desires to use you. This is the problem with this type of manipulation, because you act out of wanting genuine attachement and affection and the other person on wanting their own selfish desires fullfilled, disregarding you complety as a person. You have to be aware of this and other possible people-pleasing tendencies. You have to learn to be fine being alone, you have to fine being disliked for not wanting something. You have to learn that you dont exist to put yourself on fire to warm other people.
You are a person that deserve basic respect, but for that you have to give it to yourself first. You have to allow yourself to put yourself as a priority and your own well being and not give even half of a shit if someone likes it or not. You are the one that has to live with this and what is done to you. Dont allow others to use you as an object, you are a human being, you deserve to be treated right and until you learn to love yourself first, you shouldnt go looking for other people to give you something you are missing, because this will only increse the chances of attracting people that will abuse your need for acceptance.
Your picker is busted.
Get your ass in lots of therapy to repair and calibrate it.
Nothing can make a good man SA you. Just like nothing can make a rapist treat you with respect.
Your well-being needs to be your only priority for awhile. You, need to worry about healing you, not about some man. Take a break from dating and get therapy.
Oh I am so sorry! I am going to echo everyone on this list- stop dating now and start healing! It won’t be easy is my guess but you are worth it. No one needs to put up with any of this- this is not normal in even one night stands, let alone a ‘relationship’ where you have a partner who should listen every time you say no. Sending you all the healing, and hoping you take the time to prioritize yourself starting now!
I’m so sorry for the horror you experienced at the hands of these horrible men. I wish I could erase your pain, I wish I could give you justice. It’s not right what happened.
Some therapists do offer a sliding payscale. It is something to look into. Whatever the case, I think it is best to take a break from dating, concentrate on your own needs and goals. Prioritize healing and building up your self-worth. One day, you will be ready to date again and find your true love if that is what you want, but I think you need more time to focus on healing and self growth.
I find journaling to be very helpful. There are also guided healing journals and workbooks, specifically for those with trauma, that are pretty cheap but could hold a lot of benefit to you. I wish you the best ❤️