I’ve been with my partner for 7 years and up until recently we’ve had an amazing sex life. Honestly, sex has always been one of the strongest parts of our relationship, we even joke that unlike most couples, it’s the most important part for us. He’s always been great at making sure I’m taken care of before he finishes, and he was the first person to ever make me orgasm. Until now, he’s been able to get me there every single time.
But here’s the problem: while he was out of town, I bought one of those rose sucking vibrators… and holy shit, the orgasms are next level. They’re so much more intense than anything I’ve experienced with him, and now I honestly find myself preferring that over sex with him. My sex drive for him has dropped to almost nothing, and when we do have sex I crave the vibrator. I struggle to finish without it, and a lot of times I’ll end up using it right after we’re done. That’s started to make him feel like he’s not enough for me anymore, like he can’t satisfy me, which hurts him and adds guilt on top of my frustration.
What do I do?
Comments
Include him with the vibrator.
Less solo time, but more including it in sex with him. It doesn’t need to be one or the other. Sex toys in your sex life is healthy and ensures you are both getting the most out of it
You either hand him the vibe, or you stop using it (for a while, and with less frequency).
When you are having regular orgasms like that a lot of it is habitual. It’s very easy and very quick to accidentally train your body to only have one kind of orgasm in one position or with one kind of stimulation. If you have the ability to reach orgasm in multiple different ways, you may need to put forth a bit of effort to maintain that capacity. If I stick to one vibe for a week that’s it, nothing else works until I put it aside for a while. I think it is somewhat a corollary to men’s ‘death grip syndrome’, and while it’s great to know what really works for you, in my opinion, it’s better to maintain your body’s capacity for variation.
For me at least, I have to consciously do that. Don’t reach for the same toy every day. It’ll make everything else less fun, if I reach orgasm in the morning with a toy, I’m far less likely to orgasm that evening with my partner.
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While it’s a completely valid situation the one you are in, I’d say his is sentiments are valid as well.
Put yourself in his shoes, imagine if after having sex with you he goes on to masturbating with a fleshlight.
I would try to show interest in them using the toy, so it’s still him making you come. I always loved the analogy “if I need to get my wife to the airport I’m not gonna feel less of a man for using the car…”
Clit sucking vibrator can cause this “addiction”. I ALWAYS recommend anyone to take breaks from using them and if possible only use them in special occasions. Consider this if you want to keep your sex life with your boyfriend healthy.
Female version of the iron grip. You made made yourself impotent. You know how people tell men who can’t perform they need to stop pleasuring themselves? Same thing.
Take a tolerance break from the rose and orgasms overall for about 7-10 days. Then jump his bones, preferably with some Seal in the background and with a nice smelling candle going across the room.
I mean the clear answer here is throw away the vibrator.
It is what caused the physiological problem of insensitivity to regular stimuli that led to the psychological problem of lack of desire.
So obviously the first step is eliminating the cause of the physical problem that led to the psychological one.
Serious question – does he go down on you? Because that’s way more comparable to the suction vibe than penetration or manual stimulation.
Wow I’m really surprised by these answers! We’re depriving ourselves of good orgasms because our men are sad??? How about your partner does a little introspection about why he feels threatened by something that makes you feel good — rather than forcing you to stop using something that makes you satisfied, maybe you could have a conversation where you reassure him that your love and satisfaction of him isn’t reliant upon his ability to make you come, but rather the entire experience itself. Like if he uses the toy on you, he’s still involved in the process of making you come? And then you’re both satisfied?
Maybe take a break for a while. I personally really enjoy the Hitachi. But for a little while I got too reliant on it and needed it (this was after my partner was gone for a few months). He didn’t mind using it and he even likes it used on him, but I took a break from it since he was around more haha. Now I’m back to not needing it during sex to orgasm. I find sex overall more enjoyable when it can build without a toy.
You are creating a level of stimulation that can’t be achieved through sex, and it’s hurting your sex life.
You should stop and switch to masturbating with something more similar to sex with your boyfriend.
Jesus Christ some of these comments. If you’re worried about losing some “natural” way to orgasm or that you’re noticing that it’s more difficult to orgasm because of the vibrator then you may want to take a break from the vibrator. Especially if you were able to orgasm without it before.
He should also learn to be more comfortable with you wanting to have toys in the bedroom to help out and these should be conversations are ongoing and will evolve over the course of your relationship. It may be insecurity or he may feel less close because he likes to make you orgasm.
Either way it’s not all or nothing and it’s not one or the other.
There’s this thing called compromise that seems to have been lost in all facets of life but I assure you it still exists.
Cock rings? Vibrating ones? I’m a dude, but they work wonders.
You can get one that sits at the base of the shaft that way when he is inside the vibration is directly on your clit. Different settings for different sensitivities.
I recommend you on top, that way you are in control. Usually, I just sit there inside and she grinds herself off on me. No pumping, just her grinding.
Not trying to be mean, but just from your post it looks like you’ve already figured out whats causing the problem, but can’t actually do what you need to do.
Throw away the vibrator if you want to keep a healthy sex life.
Don’t integrate it into your sex life, get rid of it.
If you stop using it for ~2-3 weeks you’ll return to normal. Thats all you have to do. Just stop using the vibrator.
If you can’t do that, you will destroy this part of your relationship.
This is not a him problem. He has nothing to do with this problem at all. This is purely your problem. The only one who can solve it is you.
Throw away the vibrator.
Stop using it. Things were fine the way before now you ruined sex with your fancy AI vibrator.
Same with guys that watch porn. Stop it.
I used to have the same insecurities your bf is talking about when I was younger. I realized my insecurities were about what I couldn’t do by myself. You have to put your pride aside and come to the mindset of “this is for her pleasure”. Then my gf brought a vibrator in and the double sensation of it and me was over the top for both of us.
Do I enjoy knowing I’ll never be able to, by myself, make her orgasm like she does when we use a vibrator together? Not really.
Is it realistic to think I am and have to be the only source of pleasure for her? Fuck no.
Do I enjoy knowing the intensity of the orgasm with the vibrator? Fuck yeah!
I agree with the general consensus that the vibrator should maybe be used less often. But I will say that I think the orgasms being better from a vibrator makes sense, however those are always going to be on a different level from sex with a partner. I don’t know if this is good advice but managing expectations might be a good idea, striving to have good orgasms from sex with your partner but not expecting them to be on the same level as the vibe.
It’s nice that you’re able to talk with your partner about how to make things work though, that seems like a good sign for your relationship. Maybe including different toys during sex or trying more foreplay would help make it more exciting while you’re working on intimacy?
Throw away the vibrator.
Your relationship is more important than you “having better orgasms” . If he never could make you cum, I wouldve sided with the vibrator however.
Please provide a link to link to the vibrator immediately (for a friend)
This is a fucking ad
Welcome to the gooner club. We meet every Wednesday.
Women’s version of death grip. Lay off for a while.
Have you tried asking your partner to use the vibrator on you first for a bit before you two have actual sex? I see a lot of comments saying cut back on the vibrator usage and I’m confused by that
This is the woman equivalent of death grip lol
Throw it away and don’t look back.
A man who uses a woman’s orgasms–specifically, how she gets them–about him is a very insecure man indeed. A man threatened by a vibrator is even worse. If he’s not great in bed, there are two choices–he learns to get better at getting you off, or you bring the rose into your sex play together. He should be concerned with making you feel great, not making you responsible for his insecurity. If he can’t, or won’t do this–dump him. It will only get worse, and his resentment for you not coddling his ego will start to show up in other areas of the relationship.
So I took a vibe break the past two weeks after overdoing it with the vibrator and basically numbing my clit accidentally. lol my body got used to the sensation and I needed to increase the intensity more and more. Took a break, back to “normal.”
Over-vibing for me messes with my ability to orgasm any other way. It’s not a BAD thing just something I’m aware of now lol
commenters telling you to throw the vibe away is so weird lol idk maybe just use it in moderation?
Get a vibe that is comfortable for you and your partner to use during sex i know the rose one is too bulky. Gets it done every time. I enjoy sex more now when my partner uses it during. He needs to be comfortable that a machine made to get you off is doing its job imo.
Have him use it on you!
It’s wild that he wants you to have less satisfying orgasms so he can feel better about himself.
It’s also wild that you only seem to view sex as an orgasm and not as intimacy you share with a human you love.
Both of you need to take a serious look at yourselves and what you need and value in your relationship
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My partner bought her Rose about a month ago because we were apart while she was traveling. Her experience mirrors yours. Insane orgasms that are almost overwhelming. She decided after 2 weeks to hand it to me to hide from her. She said she felt disconnected from her natural orgasms. Things has been going much better after she put away the Rose toy
Use it during sex 🤷🏻♀️ I need my vibrator if I’m going to cum and my boyfriend enjoys it too. It doesn’t have to be an either or situation.
Literally just use it and other sex toys? Sounds like ur into toys! Yay!!!
“I recently got into cocaine, and how a nice hot cup of coffee just doesn’t do it for me”
Use toys in tandem with your partner.
Now that is more mind-blowing than by itself or with just him.
It’s the ultimate level up to orgasm town.
Once you’ve figured out those logistics, you can add many more to your repertoire and keep things spicy.
I’m grateful my ex at least never saw toys as competition, they were his teammates and we both took home the gold.
Now, IF, I’m looking for some male attention I bring up the use of toys in tandem and if they’re not willing I stop entertaining those ones and move on.
I refuse to lower my orgasm standards for a pump and dump chump.
Many have said to put it down for a bit and recalibrate, so I will add my humble perspective as a man: let him use the vibe, teach him how to get you off with it, and you’ll both have way more fun. For men it can be easy to feel emasculated by an item if you think too hard about it, but toys like that are my soux chef: I can cook the whole meal myself, but the extra help sure is nice. Make sure he knows part of what you like is him taking care of you and he’ll be so excited to use it.
So Guy here. So not sure about training your body like others have mentioned. But I (a guy am very self conscious) usually I try to incorporate all sorts of things into my partners and I sex life. Toys and yes vibrators. My reasoning is I want to please the woman I am with, with maximum pleasure no matter (within reason) the way.
Although getting the courage to mention that I like using toys and what not is usually still a hurdle for me. Because I feel like some women I meet might find it weird.
Why limit yourself to just the vibe or him if you can use both simultaneously?
Nice try, big Clit Sucking Vibrator
So…. you came…. and …. he’s upset because he didnt do as good of a job as the robot designed to make you come….. or am I missing something
i do a joke about this exact scenario
To me, it’s the same as when men watch porn and desensitise themselves visually and physically. Almost all of them do it. They expect us to be chill and accept it. I wouldn’t feel bad in this situation personally.
Stanzi potenza made a joke that those vibs were the reason for the male loneliness epidemic. I think it was a sponsored video.