I (22M) was with my ex (22F) for almost 2 years. She was my first sexual partner. We broke up about 11 months ago.
Right after, I went on a streak of one-night stands and short flings (probably 6–7 women, ranging 20F–25F). I thought it would help me move on, but honestly it just left me emptier.
For the last 2–3 months I cut off dating and focused on “healing.” Recently, I met an amazing woman (23F). We’ve been seeing each other for 2 months and everything outside the bedroom is great.
But when it turns sexual, something in me shuts down. In the middle of sex I lose my erection, feel this wave of disgust, and sometimes even see her as suddenly unattractive. A part of my brain keeps comparing her to my ex, who I was intensely attracted to.
I’ve brought this up with my therapist but it hasn’t helped. It feels less like “performance anxiety” and more like my body is rejecting intimacy altogether.
Has anyone else been through this? Is this trauma, biology, or something I can actually fix?
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Here’s an original copy of /u/No_Variation5444’s post (if available):
I (22M) was with my ex (22F) for almost 2 years. She was my first sexual partner. We broke up about 11 months ago.
Right after, I went on a streak of one-night stands and short flings (probably 6–7 women, ranging 20F–25F). I thought it would help me move on, but honestly it just left me emptier.
For the last 2–3 months I cut off dating and focused on “healing.” Recently, I met an amazing woman (23F). We’ve been seeing each other for 2 months and everything outside the bedroom is great.
But when it turns sexual, something in me shuts down. In the middle of sex I lose my erection, feel this wave of disgust, and sometimes even see her as suddenly unattractive. A part of my brain keeps comparing her to my ex, who I was intensely attracted to.
I’ve brought this up with my therapist but it hasn’t helped. It feels less like “performance anxiety” and more like my body is rejecting intimacy altogether.
Has anyone else been through this? Is this trauma, biology, or something I can actually fix?
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Your gay now
You might just be demisexual and need more of an emotional /personal connection. Your body is a meat sack of cae engine notification lights. It’s just lighting up that casual sex isn’t for you right now. But youre still aroused at times so your brain thinks sex will solve it and its not matching up with what your emotional brain and body want.
Your therapist sounds like a twit who isn’t properly exploring your inner motivations and body communication. Maybe switch them out and try someone else.
Please don’t take this the wrong way, 38M here but I went through something similar at 22-24 ish. You are “young” comparatively, so this is something I learned about what was happening with me after a lot of reflection and therapy. You might not think you are, but you may be more depressed than you feel or admit to yourself or others.
Looking back at my teens and 20s, especially after my first serious breakup at 22 and then falling for someone else and that ending fast and badly, my mental health was not okay. I can assuredly say now that I was depressed then.
And Mr. Penis does not like depression. Be careful if your doctor tries to put you on SSRIs or something. Best thing I did back then was bike a lot. Lots of cardio and physical exercise and sun (if you are already not doing that).
Here is the most important part: make sure you are taking care of yourself in terms of sleep and eating well and drinking lots of water WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND TO SEE YOU DO IT.
I’m not a sex therapist but I’d imagine you feel a degree of guilt or loyalty to your ex and you need to move on.
Bros about to go down the rabbit hole on his corn websites, just saying s
As someone said it could be depression. I had a similar experience two years ago because I had trauma that I didn’t address since I was abused when I was around 11. It just started showing up later and I went to therapy while being in a relationship. It was a struggle but I’m glad I knew something was off and did something about it. Your guts always tell you what’s wrong and you might have seen your first sign.
Maybe you’re weird and actually would prefer to care about a woman, before you become intimate with her…
Body, mind and time.
Body: Do you watch porn? If so, cut it off completely until your mojo comes back. Work out, lift weights, eat right. Get decent sleep.
True, your issue might be majority psychological stemming from your ex, but sex is also inextricably physical to the point where sometimes the body will override your mental hangups out of pure need. If you optimize your physical, nutrition, blood flow, lust object correction, etc.., you might get a positive result and you won’t have to deal with this symptom while getting over your ex.
Mind: dont fret if you haven’t moved on after 11 months. Perfectly normal. Sometimes it can take years. However you have to be complete no contact for the quickest results. No stalking IG or social media. No messaging. No dwelling on old photos. Moving on in practice will help you move in in mind.
Time: like I said dont be suprised at how long it can take. Things might feel permanent, but most of it is actually temporary, and time will prove this. Dont let current circumstances define you in your head.
Sounds like your first big breakup. Youre dealing with feelings they dont teach you in school or movies or even via parents, partly because everyone reacts different. Ego damage, inner crisis, etc…breakups can be absolute mind fucks. But its real growth that will come on the other side of it. Finding future partners temporarily unattractive, all this weird shit you dont understand. Let your mind process it all. You’ll understand it better one day.
There might not be a silver bullet you can work out in therapy (not to say there’s not plenty you can learn and take for future relationships). You might just have to ride the wave here. Experience the awkwardness of performance anxiety. Its nothing. It happens. It goes. You learn tricks. You stop worrying. Sexual phases and state changes are real for sexually active people, and they are affected by romantic experiences. Youll get through it all and youll be wiser.
Sounds like your brain is still stuck on your ex sometimes emotional residue can make new intimacy feel off. Therapy helps, but patience with yourself is key.
Dude is still in love with her ex unconsciously
casual sex and multiple sex partners lead to this, but no one ever listens to advice.
You don’t need one night stands. Find a therapist. You sound depressed, misdirected, and need a non-biased arbitrator to discuss these issues.
Wish I had done the same in my 20s and perhaps I’ve not screwed up my 30s.
If your therapist can’t help you, then we certainly can’t based on just a few paragraphs.
Maybe try a different therapist ?
“used to love it” at 22 so like…. when you were a child?
If you can sometimes be suddenly disgusted with sex during sex it’s entirely possible it’s got to do with buried trauma or complications in your childhood. If you grew up to have certain values or beliefs surrounding sex it can really interfere with your sex life as an adult, or when something traumatic has happened of course. The break up or your experiences after the break up could have made things bubble up subconsciously and they are affecting your ability to enjoy it.
I hope you will bring your feelings and history up with your therapist, it might feel embarrassing but if you postpone it you might face these problems for all that time, possibly creating even deeper problems. The earlier you start with things like these, the earlier you will have some form of control or understanding. It may be scary, but it will overtime heal you and make you stronger.
Honesty you might be a Demisexual… and miss your Ex… or you have depression that can be caused due to you guys breaking up… but id either say you are more the Demisexual type or your gay…
Maybe seek counsel? It’s not necessarily sex you feel disgusted about, it might be the circumstances that come along at this moment
You should explore other sexual options. Your dick is telling you something.
Are you maybe still grieving your ex? Casual sex is one thing, but when you start to have feelings for someone new, it can bring up a lot of complicated feelings – especially during or after sex when you are more emotionally vulnerable (i.e. when feelings are involved and it’s not just physical). It can feel a lot like cheating even when it’s not. Or a grief wave (which axes sexual desire). Or just not being ready – and sex is kind of weird/gross when you aren’t in the right headspace to be into it. Or it can just feel weird even though you feel like it’s a good choice (forward progress can feel weird and scary even though it’s the right thing to do).
Lots of people struggle after a significant breakup. Maybe give yourself some permission to be in the struggle for a bit and trust that it will work itself out. First relationships tend to be intense and the breakups are even more so.
Dude, trust me, don’t force yourself to “push through” or perform just because you feel like you should. That may only reinforce the negative association — the idea that “sex = disgust” — and make it worse. It needs time, good luck.
If you’re comparing her to your ex that means you haven’t moved on from your ex yet. I had a similar thing happen, took me years to understand and move on.
Seems you’re going through some mental-emotional trauma from that breakup that’s still ‘fresh’ in your mind.
Eleven months may not be enough time to process all that. Aside from possibly seeking therapy, the thing you should be doing is stop ruminating about a love-lost, and be focused on is your new partners’ positive attributes and how lucky you are she came into your life.
Women are like plants (flowers); water them and they’ll flourish.
I’ve had this issue. It can be caused by a number of things.
A couple that come to mind is mental health and using antidepressants and low testosterone.
I was on antidepressants for a while and lost my libido to the point where I actually felt repulsed by sex. On top of that, low T. Once I was off the antidepressants and on TRT, my libido came back.
Of course, if you have depression and are on antidepressants, talk to your psychiatrist. They might have a few solutions, like changing medication or modifying your treatment plan. If you want to check your testosterone, you can talk to your primary and get a referral, if needed, to urology or endocrinology.
If the issue isn’t medical, a therapist can help you determine if there’s any subconscious barriers that need to be broken down.