I’ll be 28 soon and I feel like my youth was wasted. A lot of my school years were filled with bullying and rejection from my peers. I have high functioning ASD and I was never able to connect that well with others. The bullying that I experienced turned me into a loner, and I decided to just do homeschooling for high school. I missed out on a lot of things as a teenager. I never got to experience having a big friend group, going to a house party or bonfire, never got to experiment with alcohol or have sex, never went to prom, stuff like that.
Now that I’m older, I feel like the window to have all the wild, reckless fun that I missed out on is gone. I have a great career, a house, a significant other, and an overall decent life now but sometimes I think back to the fact that I was pretty much a “loser” in my youth and it pains me. And before you say “all that stuff is overrated anyway, you didn’t miss anything”, that’s easy to say when you have experienced those things. I would’ve liked to experienced those things myself and make my own judgments.
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I’ll be 28 soon and I feel like my youth was wasted. A lot of my school years were filled with bullying and rejection from my peers. I have high functioning ASD and I was never able to connect that well with others. The bullying that I experienced turned me into a loner, and I decided to just do homeschooling for high school. I missed out on a lot of things as a teenager. I never got to experience having a big friend group, going to a house party or bonfire, never got to experiment with alcohol or have sex, never went to prom, stuff like that.
Now that I’m older, I feel like the window to have all the wild, reckless fun that I missed out on is gone. I have a great career, a house, a significant other, and an overall decent life now but sometimes I think back to the fact that I was pretty much a “loser” in my youth and it pains me. And before you say “all that stuff is overrated anyway, you didn’t miss anything”, that’s easy to say when you have experienced those things. I would’ve liked to experienced those things myself and make my own judgments.
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I’m not a loser anymore, and that’s all that matters.
The only time it’s too late is when you’re dead pal. You’re still a young lad. Accept the past is done with, get your chin up, and get amongst it. Good luck.
It is overrated and there’s a strong chance you wouldn’t have been successful in your adult life nearly as much if it weren’t for the shitty years in the past.
I won’t say I’m in the same boat, but I’m in a not dissimilar boat but the thing is is that you can’t get that time back and all you’re doing is wasting your time now by worrying about it.
Losing builds character. I would know because I lost A LOT in my youth.
Edit: and now as well to be honest.
I watch cop videos. I know I could be better, but at least im not a meth head
The same way I got over the fact that I’m not short anymore, don’t wear diapers anymore, don’t shit myself anymore etc.
You just grow the fuck up.
So I personally don’t think those things are worth all that much as I didn’t get to experience them myself, but what little of them that I did experience, I didn’t enjoy much either. But I don’t think that needs to be the main line of thinking to deal with the regret.
Truthfully, there are simply things you didn’t experience in those particular times that you won’t get to and that’s true for everyone. One thing to consider is it’s always possible to have regrets about all these decisions. People who partied or made some experimental choices a lot in their youth might be looking at you and wishing they’d made different choices and were in your shoes. I’ve found it helps me to know that someone out there envies my life, and that my life is enviable and there are people who do regret or wish they didn’t make the choices I’m thinking about myself.
The only other thing that helps with regrets is knowing why you made the choices you did and being gracious to your past self. There’s a reason you didn’t make those choices, whether it was environmental or you weren’t able to at the time and that’s okay. As long as you’ve grown since then and you’re happy with where you are today.
The good thing is that you might miss a few of the health problems your peers will get from those times once they are my age.
The past does not exist. Those who called me a loser back then turned out to be real losers today. Miserable careers, miserable lifestyle, miserable at everything. Some of them became millionaires, and yet they tell me they wished they lived a life like the one I have lived so far.
I was the typical geek/nerd in my teens in the 80’s… dealt with the idiotic jocks, and simply just didn’t give a fuck about school or my hometown.
Left for college at 18… never went back. Had a blast in college, and my 20’s and 30’s were amazing. Actually 40’s and 50’s were great too.
Your past does not define the rest of your life…. you can always push the reset button.
Whatever, you can do what you want now.
I did way more crazy stuff in my late 20’s than in high school.
Join a band, start doing stand up comedy, join a sex dungeon, get on an adult sports team, take some dance classes. High school is just the tutorial level. Enjoy the open world now.
Go do it then? Just remember that the consequences are now much harsher than they were years ago, and with smartphones and technology there are cameras everywhere. There are much more felonies today, and cops cant be a lenient as they once used to be about things becauseog bodycams and better gps tacking on cars, as well as less autonomy with their job. So theres a good chance you’ll be learning expensive lessons quickly
If you can’t look back and think your younger self was an idiot, you haven’t learned anything.
If you want another cliche, as Aerosmith said, you have to lose to know how to win. Or if you want Frankie, I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried, I’ve had my fill, my share of losing.
We were all losers, my guy. Even Sinatra sometimes. Live in the now, not in the past.
By being extra nice to anyone who’s feeling like a loser now, if I can manage it.
We know what it feels like to be left out, made fun of, bullied, you name it – and we can use that knowledge to make people around us happier.
For what it’s worth, I will and have cut off anyone who reminds me of how I felt during those years. You can kind of see them coming as they usually haven’t changed much from high school.
Mate you are 28 you are a young man in a good job with a partner to share life with. None of the things you mentioned are worth fretting over, you can make friends and trust me a big friend group is never as good as a small solid friend group. Try to look forward and all the things you have and can achieve because I guarantee you a good percentage of those bully will not have and never will get what you have
It’s not healthy to live in and ruminate on the past. Whether you were “successful” or a “loser.” Just focus on you now. That’s all that matters
I just try not to think about it, tho sadly the thoughts creep into my mind uncontrollably and at random but I try my very best to focus on what’s infront of me. I’m sorry, I wish I had the answer you seek.
There is a saying in my native language that translates to:
The “would have” and “should have” do not exist.
This means that you shouldn’t focus on your past. The past is gone. You have to focus in the future. Can you still do some of the things you mentioned? If yes, do them. Plan a trip with your girl and a couple of friends one year from now to go to the beach and do your bonfire.
The parties? You can still do them. Heck, I’m 40 and I still party like hell.
The crazy sex? Don’t… Respect your partner. I missed out on that because I had a gf from 18 to 26. Would I change some things? I can’t allow myself to think about it because I get focused on that.
“Maybe I should have done X so Y would have happ…”
The “should haves” and “would haves” do not exist!
Older I get, the more I realized we were all “losers’. I talked to guys I went to high school with, I thought they were cool and had it all together, but I learned they were just as insecure as me. You were not the only one who was feeling that way.
It sounds like you’ve been through a lot of trauma, I do recommend seeing a therapist who can help you reconcile the past and help you move forward. I know a lot of guys will shit on therapy, but look this is not a solo journey, outside help will only make you stronger.
28 is VERY young, you got a lot of living to do.
I know you said not to say if, but it truly is overrated. Good career + house far surpasses any of that stuff, believe me. Just try to do fun stuff now to catch up on what you missed out on lol but maybe without being as dumb as a teenager
28 youre still young, I’m 41 and living the best years of my life.
My twenties werent as good as my thirties and my first couple years in my fourties are already better than my thirties.
Get in shape, dont drink and smoke your health away and it will be better in the future.
>I feel like the window to have all the wild, reckless fun that I missed out on is gone
Nope…
That’s your answer.
Live your life now and not in the past….duh!
I don’t think about it
Bro, as a person who had most of what you mentioned and more in high school in terms of the “cool” experiences, it’s not that deep bro that’s all kid shit, once you realize that in this world there are adults (and plenty of them at that) who still haven’t finished developing mentally, or are just in general terrible people, you’ll realize the way others make you out to be even in masses, doesn’t really weigh at all. This is why knowing yourself and what you stand for early on is so powerful because no matter who says what about you or thinks this about you YOU know what you bring to the table and how much of a stand up person you are, for example regardless or not if I wasn’t one of the popular kids who got all types of action (fights, intimacy, get togethers etc.) and been there done that I still know I’m a individual who stands for what’s RIGHT and that in my mind goes beyond acceptance of him or her, your ancestors and bloodline watching over you will know how much of a blessing you are just being in others presence being a shoulder to lean on / defending the weak. Outside of everything just stated, take some time to look at your past and mentally right your wrong if you have any, figure out who you are and what you stand for. Most importantly take care of yourself and your temple, and everything else will fall in line. Also it’s never over lol, there’s always fun to be had there clubs / bars and loads of other things you can get into! Not that long ago I heard running clubs are great for meeting other people and apparently a lot of people have met spouses that way, and although a running club isn’t necessarily the wild stuff you were gearing towards, you have to make connections someway somehow first to get into those types of venues in the first place especially if you don’t want to go in a stranger / solo which is no problem at all as long as you can meet people and make connections quick! All in All there’s more than enough opportunity out there to have fun and enjoy yourself bro, chase the sun ! ☀️
Worst thing you can do is let your past ruin your present and future. What’s done is done, you can’t get it back. Focus instead on what you can change, and make the rest of your life better than you think the first third (or so) went. Easier said than done, I know.
I think we all go through stages in life where we miss out. Ive gone through a stage in my 30s of being a ‘loser’ and now I’m heading into my 40s I have realised age is just a number (cliche I know, but it’s true) you never stop living it up so to speak.
Sounds like you won to me.
Being 28 and focusing on high school still is how you perpetuate being a loser. None of us are the same as then, so there’s no point in focusing on it. Be who you want to be.
I tell my gf all the time that I was a fuckin loser in high school, cuz I didn’t do shit back in the day either. I never went to any shows, I was never invited to any parties. I didn’t do sports or any extra curricular bullshit. I just existed and I partially blame my parents for it.
All you can do now, honestly, is to live your life as best you can with your partner. For God’s sake, you own a house, which is far more than I can say for a lot of people and even some kids you may have known in high school too.
30 is the new 20, man. Go fuck shit up, its never too late to make friends and have parties. Your hangovers will be worse, but it’s never too late to make new memories of bad choices!
Everything you experienced made you who you are. Who you are is what got you the life you have now. Those experiences may have fundemtally changed that.
No regrets !
Plus. Now that you have adult money. You can have these wild experiences but you have a best friend and partner in crime to do it with.
So far, it sounds like you’ve been making up time well. That’s good. We all have regrets and wishes of the past, but it sounds like those feelings are a bit stronger than they should be. So, rhetorical question, what are you looking forward to? If the past is pulling on you a bit hard, that’s likely because the pull of the future isn’t as strong as it should be to balance those feelings. I’ll note a part of that is the clarity of hindsight. The pull of the future requires not only envisioning specific and desirable outcomes, but a sense of agency that those things are within reach. The pull of the past requires only hindsight.
The happy thing is, unlike the past, the future can be changed. Broaden your goals, and start working towards additional stuff. The feeling of missing out will never go away, and that’s fine! That gives us insight to what we desire! The goal now is to map those desires to achievable outcomes for the future.
To put that another way, the spectre of the past needs closure before it can move on to the next life. Read its diaries or whatever, then give it a reasonable facsimile of what it wanted.
I was not popular as a teenager, but the people who gave me shit in K12 usually killed themselves about a decade later, and/or are working for around minimum wage in their 30s, and likely have a drug abuse problem. I don’t care that much anymore because their lives are way more miserable and I don’t feel like comparing about why my life to why close to homeless meth heads is good use of time .
>I never got to experience having a big friend group, going to a house party or bonfire, never got to experiment with alcohol or have sex, never went to prom, stuff like that.
I never did any of that in highschool either and didn’t consider myself a loser. I was a comic book nerd when that was NOT in vogue. I had a very small group of friends. Which our idea of an exciting saturday night was going to the gas station for snacks and playing board games or video games.
In highschool I never went to a dance, never drank or did drugs, didn’t get laid. But I had fun, I actually MISS the simplicity of those days where I didn’t rush into “adult things”. I don’t miss getting wasted and waking up regretting fucking the chick laying next to me and hoping to hell she isn’t pregnant as I sneak out. Even though throughout my mid 20s-mid 30’s. Hitting the bars on the weekend looking to get laid, was basically all I was interested in.
>I think back to the fact that I was pretty much a “loser” in my youth and it pains me.
I honestly don’t get why. If I go back to my home town I know exactly what bars all the people that peaked in highschool and can’t let it go. Of course I don’t subscribe to the idea popular people in highschool all fail in life or something, that obviously isn’t true.
However, there will always be those people where highschool turned out to be the pinnacle of their life experience. There are two bars I know of, if I walked in you could play a drinking game to hearing the phrase “remember back in highschool”.
Do you think the divorced alcoholic former highschool football player living in the house his parents used to own, showing up every day to the same bar hes gone to every weekend since he’s 21, wouldn’t rather he have a better present. “I nailed every cheerleader in highschool!” and now you have to pay for sex because you are a fat, bald drunk shit, have a crappy job and no woman worth a salt wants you.
Having a bright future will ALWAYS be better than having a bright past.
I will put it this way, I can’t see how partying, drinking and fucking in HS would have had a positive impact on my future. All I see there is opportunity for my future to be derailed especially as a less mature kid.
You are lamenting not doing things as a kid, that could have fucked up everything for you.
That idyllic childhood is experienced by a minority not the majority. Usually people fixate on missing college life. Frat parties, keggers, tailgates, crazy casual sex. Most college kids dont get to experience that.
High school prom. I dont know what to say to that. I never went. But I went to weddings and dance parties and clubs and stuff later in lofe. I dont feel like I missed out on much except maybe the youthful innocence of it all.
I look at my social development as getting on a train track that I was left out on. I finally got on the rails and did the things everyone else is doing. Im less than impressed tbh. Much rather do my own thing off the tracks most days. But its good to have the option.
You can do all those things now except prom. Or just watch movies about them. If you have kids you van live vicariously through them
i used to feel this a lot; i was really sick when i was a teenager and missed out on basically all of the “rite of passage” type stuff.
then two years ago, one of my best friends in college passed away, and it has since been sobering to realize that while i’m mourning all the time i lost, i am at the very least alive to mourn it. everything that has ever happened to me *hasn’t* and *can’t* happen to my buddy. my job today is to live, wholly, and fully, and in the best way i ever can. i’ll never claw back the years i’ve lost, but my eyes are wide and my legs have not yet folded, and while those two truths hold, it’s my uniquely privileged luxury to write my present and future.
We apparently have very different definitions of “loser”.
Your experience sounds absolutely normal. Real life isn’t a TV show or movie. Loads of people never really “let loose” in their youth. That doesn’t make them losers. That’s not to say letting loose makes someone a loser either. People are just different. I didn’t really do much along those lines when I was younger, and… I don’t care. It’s not really who I am.
I’d think on what specifically about those experiences you feel you actually missed out on. Your life may be different now, but you can still make friends and have fun with them. You’re only 28… you can still do all the same things, apart from extramarital sex and prom obviously. Just be responsible, respect the boundaries of your relationship, and don’t go all quarter-life crisis about it.
You didnt miss shit.. trust me. What you have know is 10 thousand times better
Also a lot of those “fun” bad decisions in the teen years has harmed that person’s life trajectory and potential.. Many people are recovering and rebuilding their lives because they had too much fun in their high school and college years. They were naive and stupid so impressionable they didn’t think years ahead or know themselves that well. Today in your later 20s you know who you are and are probably way ahead in the stuff that matters in life.
It’s called acceptance. I can try and convince you that it isn’t that bad or mitigate it but I imagine you won’t truly believe that. So accept that you were a loser and come to terms with it. It’s ok if you were a loser in the past. Yeah it sucks but life goes on. I was abused as a kid and the way to get over that was acceptance. It’s a bad thing that happened in the past and while not great I have moved on. Granted acceptance usually requires you to go through some or all the stages of grief that eventually ends with acceptance and a feeling of peace about the situation. It’s actually feels extremely good/peaceful in my experience once you reach true acceptance. There are probably some books or people that explain the process better than me but bottom line is that if you want to feel better about a shit situation you can’t change then acceptance is the best solution. The great thing is you can use the same method for lots of negative things in your life outside of your control. Once you get good at it then being happy becomes way easier.
I did not experience those things, but I chalk it up to it being the hand I was dealt in life at the time.
You will always have low-key regret (I do), especially when you hear about those experience from others around you. Like you, I did pretty well for myself, and that is what I enjoyed in my adult life. You can’t change the past, but you have full control over the present.
By realizing that children aren’t “losers”. Reframe what makes someone a loser in your mind and you’ll feel better.
As someone who did all that shit, I won’t tell you it’s nothing, it was fantastic. It was a great time. But do you want to know what happens to most people in that lifestyle? They become adult losers or die while they are still in it. And most of them view themselves as losers while they are in it. I’m not talking about people who would occasionally party, I’m talking the people who really lived it.
They are living that life because they are running away from something. Most of them it’s an awful childhood. Most of them never realize it so they can never fix it, some of them make it out and get better. Luckily I fall into the second category, I made it out and realized I needed to fix myself instead of running before I ended up dead or in prison.
Go out and have fun now when you can, don’t let it take away from other parts of your life. You are never too old to go out and have a good time, but moderation is key.
At 28, you still have more years ahead of you than behind you. Why let a small minority of your life dictate the remainder?
I never cared about missing out. I instead built other experiences. By 28, I graduated college, had a great career, had been married for 3 years, and had my first kid. I’m now 43, survived cancer, I’m one of the most respected people in my company, I have two great kids and a wonderful wife, and have no debt. How many of those assholes from my past can compete with what I’ve done with my life? Some, maybe, but I’ll bet it’s a minority.
Also, you shouldn’t compare yourself to me or anyone else. The grass is always greener, so they say, and, therefore, it’s not fair to yourself to compare your life to others. My point is to say your past need not define you. If you feel like you missed out, then go make up for it. Be the person you want to be. It’s never too late to start.
Therapy
I mean your only real option is to get over it and move on with your life.
Don’t keep being one.
As you get older, you’ll forget many things including your feelings during those times and you’ll lose mamy memories so just tell yourself everything was all good up until now cause you won’t remember specific stuff anyways
Quit feeling sorry for yourself and as drill sergeant backbone would say: grow some balls, pog
I make my loser abilitys my biggest strenght and part of my personality.
Playing yoyo while walking the streets or at work? Np want to see Looping style? Responsiv? Unresponsiv? Offstring? Counterweight? I got you!!!
Ouh yeah I made Apps that I sell.
I play videogames and okay still a loser in it but a funny one.
No need to live in the present. Sounds like you live a great life right now, and hopefully also in the future!
I cope with it by consuming large amounts of marijuana lol. Not the best solution but it works for me for now.
That being said I try to remind myself things aren’t so bad. I may not have a cool career to most people but I enjoy it and bills are paid. I have absolutely zero debt with some money saved, unlike most of my peers. It’s easy to get sucked into comparing yourself to others but what’s the points.
I think you have it pretty put together for your age. Look at it this way, you struggled for all those years so that you could have it good now.
I feel like I’m making up for lost time.
I used to be a loser, I still am but I used to too.
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This is victim mentality through
Comparison to others when you’ve never experienced their life except through what they show you and tell you.
I’d give yourself credit for your wins if you’re going to be tallying votes and defining life by your losses.
Accept it and move on. There is nothing you can do about the past…just don’t repeat it.
Sounds like you’re on the right tract now.
Keep up the good work.
You ain’t old yet bro. My 30s were lit. Go have fun
Not sure I was a loser but it certainly felt like that sometimes. But I for sure am not a loser now. Meanwhile, some of the popular kids apparently peaked in school, long before they even became adults. That’s way worse than being a loser as a kid.
No one is a loser late bloomer maybe but no one is a loser. As for me I guess I was considered a loser coming from a dirt poor family but now I’m comfortably middle class and to me that’s a win.
Does it even matter? You seem to have made a great life for yourself, so why sit there and pity “what could have been”?
I didn’t do most of those things either, and I don’t really care that I didn’t. I’ve still got my wife and child, still have my own hobbies and interests, still have my own friends. Make some memories now, who cares about things that could’ve happened 10-15 years ago.
Bro, I grew up like you did, and I don’t have a good job, a house, or a wife. Count your blessings.
Nothings changed I’m still a loser and a loner so nothing to cope with. Just make peace with who you used to be as it wasn’t you that caused that it was others, and be who you are now.
What’s done is done, you can’t change your past so don’t waste time on it. You’re alive aren’t you? You have a career, a home, a partner! World is your fucking oyster and you’re on Reddit feeling sorry for yourself. Hold a house party (you have a house don’t you…), go camping with friends, build a fire and get drunk, take your girlfriend to a nice hotel and bang her on the balcony. Only person stopping you is you (and maybe your wife depending on her desire for hotel balcony sex haha).
By looking forward and not back
Just accept the past and embrace the future
The only thing you can change about the past is how you view it and how it affects you today
And you can still have fun if that’s what you want to do. It’s not like you hit 30 and that’s it, no parties or wild times, in bed and lights out by 9pm
I’m happily married with a great career and just turned 44. Friday night I’m going out to get lit and see an international dj till close at 3am
Some of my best friends I made in my 30s
I had a combined bday party with one for my 37th, I was up till daylight and it was very loose. That was also the first night my now wife and I spent together
I also got my fittest and strongest and leanest in my 40s
Age is just a number, don’t let it hold you back
I don’t care. High school was 23 years ago.
I think a lot of people are being very dismissive of your feelings, which is unfortunate. Nostalgia and missing out can both be painful. One thing to remember is that the people who did have a fun experience of youth probably don’t give much value to that now anyway. It’s definitely better to be successful now than in the past.
There is honestly no way to cope that doesn’t involve some kind of focused thinking. It’s okay to accept the truth of the situation but still see the positive side of it. You have the benefit of hindsight and an ability to appreciate the opportunitied before you because of what already passed by. You’re only 28. At 42, I’d kill to have had such wisdom.
There’s a bitter taste in my mouth because i peaked then. Groups of friends, with some i did lan parties with others i did clubbing, with others we did camping or went trips or whatever. And it was with friends from school so at break we were 20 something friends hanging out. Magical days.
But they ended. I don’t hang out with them anymore. I slowly become a loner. Some left for other countries, someone suicide last year, others disappeared. With others we don’t hang out with others we grew too different.
Time destroys everything. Yes i lived those days. But now, i moved on. I am not as happy and carefree.
“It doesn’t matter, it’s in the past”.
by being more disappointed that I’m still a loser when old
One thing you’ll realize is nothing matters from our school days. Absolutely nothing. Instead think about how far you’ve come.
Be grateful it’s over and you get the rest of the life to be better, I’d choose that all day over the opposite
The best time to plant a tree was 30 years ago. The next best time is to do it today. Life is the same. So what if everything leading till now wasn’t as good as it could have been? Be better going forward. That’s how you absolve yourself of the pain of the past. Make the rest of it count
First, let me say that 27 (or 28) is not old. You’ve still got plenty of time to be young. If there’s something you want to do, then do it. I just turned 25, and I feel old, just like I did at 24, 23, 22, 21, and 20. Would you tell me that my youth is over and done with? If not, then what difference does ~700 days make?
Use your established position in life to your advantage. If you have a house and money, then you have the perfect venue for a house party. When we were younger, we had no money and little autonomy. Now that we have those things, we should use them in ways that matter to us and allow us to do the things we want to do.
Second, in my experience, all of the ‘cool’ stuff in high school usually amounted to way too many kids trying to split a case of beer. Few people knew how to actually hang out, me included. This was true for house parties, prom, football games, all of the above. Hormones, shitty alcohol (and probably weed and/or a vape), and social awkwardness. It was usually just standing around pretending not to be a nervous teenager. Is there some value in that? Sure, but I think a good chunk of the people who found the most value in it made it their purpose and subsequently peaked in high school. I say all of this as someone who only had a few touches with this sort of thing and who might otherwise say he “missed out” on some of these things.
Third, I want you to know that I relate to you. I had a pretty rough home life (especially in elementary school) that I feel like seriously hindered my social development. By the time I got to high school, I was fairly bad at making friends and talking to people. Since then, it has been like playing catch-up. Honestly, I still feel like I am playing catch-up in some areas, and that’s okay. My rough childhood is part of what made me who I am today, including the good. If things hadn’t have gone the way they did, I might not have what I have today.
I would say that there’s probably something specific you’re chasing. For me, it’s a storied life. I like the knowledge that comes with experience and the satisfaction of living a full life. What do you think causes this discomfort for you?
I overcompensated in my career and almost destroyed my marriage I spent so much time away. Finally found a good medium.
Time to host a party at your house. With alcohol, and bonfire out back, invite your small amount of friends but tell them to bring their friends. Tell them to dress kindof formal and play music and have lights.
Problem solved. Do it.
It’s only too late when you’re on your deathbed.
I was considered one due to low social value. Come to find out work ethic, skillset, and networking paid dividends while being a socialite paid nothing.
by being a loser in my adulthood too
Turn your attention to the present. Nothing you can do to fix the past
I look at my bank account and realize I’m a winner.
By accepting your history as part of yourself and think that it doesn’t define you.
You are not defined by your past.
Don’t worry about it, we all have things we are not proud of but we change, we are no longer that person.
You are not who you were at that time, today you are a winner and a doer and that’s all that matters.
I was bullied up to most of highschool. I had a few fights and they stopped. I worked up the courage to ask my crush out to prom. She said yes then answered the door in her PJs, never intended to go. The only drug I did was smoke a cig in college after I snuck out at 3am to hang out with a friend that really needed some support, after being sexually abused by her uncle. Having a big friend group honestly sucks. There’s always inter-friend drama and a ton of people who you put in 80-99% of the effort into maintaining the friendship with. It’s exhausting. From my experience it’s so much better to have 1-3 close friends.
I look back at my teenage years and thank God they’re over. Whenever those hypotheticals come around “Would you go back to 16 if you could?” I’m always in the Hell No category. Some people peek in high school. For me that and college were the worst times of my life. It sounds like they were also not great for you. Time to seize the day and do what you want to with the present. And stop letting the past be a weight on your mind.
I’m 34. I understand exactly what you mean as I have thoughts like this periodically too.
In high school, I was the kid who was well known but didn’t really make an effort to build friendships and preferred playing video games. I wasn’t a stereotypical gamer as I also was really into lifting but I had no dating experience or partying experience until I entered my early 20s.
Just try not to compare yourself to people. I’ve always had this issue thanks to some poor parenting decisions (in my opinion) and it never helps. Especially now as an adult in the age range where people are getting married, having kids, buying homes, etc. I’m doing a lot better than I was 10 years ago and that’s all I try to remind myself of.
Be kind to yourself. You seem to have good things going for you!
I cope by realizing I’m very much still a loser lmao
Look at where you are now and be proud of how much you’ve grown and continue to grow. It’s better than peaking in high school and being a loser later in life.
OP it sounds like you’re doing way better in life than a lot of young people (certainly more than me). Since you have a significant other (and presumably a number of friends too), why not think of some fun things you wish you could experience and ask them to do that with you?
I’m still a loser, so no change at all.
Try martial arts. Alot of cealed aggression and trauma gets out of your system once you get your ass whooped, and do the same to someone else.
I copletely changed the way i viewed myslef from high school, started going out more, being generally more confident.
By not thinking about it and knowing that I’m not a loser
Do fun stuff now with adult money. Dress cool and have fun.
The best revenge is a life well lived
That part of your life is gone. You can’t bring it back. So what’s the point of dwelling on what could’ve been?
Instead, the present and the future is your opportunity to live your life the way you want to. Don’t let your past hold you back from living in the here and now
I was the loser in my youth. I’m a loser now also, but I was then too.
It’s gone. Do the next cool thing that shows up, but really those things mostly sucked. You are romanticizing them because you never had them. But bonfires and house parties were mostly drinking and wondering where the hell your friends had gone to and who are these strangers you’re surrounded with. Bonfires also had insect.
You didn’t get them but honestly except for a few rare moments they mostly weren’t what you think they were.
Do something cool now, and in the future and you’ll be well ahead of most people. The real loser years is after 30. Some people get stuck there and kinda run over by life. You are apparently doing really well. Lean into it.
Brother, you had enough bullying. Don’t add to it by bullying yourself. If a teenager told you they were going through this awkward stage of life would you call him a loser? I’d bet money you wouldn’t. And yeah you missed out on some culturally significant experiences. But you made it. It’s like if you went from dead broke to billionaire overnight but you were sour about not experiencing being a millionaire. People aren’t eligible for being a loser in their youth. A loser is someone who has no growth. It’s a person who went through all those pleasurable experiences of youth but never moved on from it. You were playing the long game and won dude.
And by the way. You can still do most of it he fun stuff but now without the hang ups and insecurity of being a teenager. When you take your significant other on a date you don’t worry if you have enough money in your wallet. You don’t worry about bringing her home by 10:30. You don’t have to worry about tomorrow’s test. Youth is overly idealized. Adulthood is so much better.
“wild reckless fun” isn’t what it’s cracked up to be.
Stay in your own lane, king. Do the things that bring you joy and don’t even consider bullshit like where you are in life for your age based on society’s standards.
Comparison is the thief of joy, that shits real. The path you’re on created you, and you are sufficient
Listen close. Everyone is different. I share in ASD(high-masking) and have CPTSD, and ADHD-non-attentive. For a long time I wanted to be what I was not, cried over all the missed opportunities, etc.
Turns out I was just comparing myself to my personally contrived perception of what life might have been for others and doing it with some form of envy and coveting. I realized that, in the grand scheme of things, it was a fools game to think about it because time is linear and fleeting and wisdom and prudence scream to leave it be. We also have to look at the fact that many of them that ‘had all the fun’ back then probably didn’t ‘have all the fun’ we think they did. Oftentimes, when we compare others against ourselves, we are actually perceiving a consolidation of all sorts of people into one identity and all of the group we call ‘them’. We fall for thinking that “they” all had all of those experiences at all times and it simply isn’t true. Individualized, this person or that person might have had some fun and are probably crying about missed this or missed that in their own way just as you are but you are seeing it all as one person and then comparing yourself to that construct and it bothers you.
The world is so big that we can’t fit all there is to do in one lifetime. The only thing we really have for sure is the RIGHT NOW. How will we spend that? Where will we focus our thoughts and energies? The past is memories as we interpret them and the future is mere speculation. Neither exist in real time. Neither are NOW. So, what to do NOW? Adopt the truth that one cannot go back to the past and make a brand new start, but one can start now and make a brand new ending. The choice is yours.
I was 22 when I figured it out. All the same shit in your post. Glad you’re happier now, brother 🍻
Deal in the present. Be better today.
I feel ya, I felt like I missed out on teenage love, I didn’t have a relationship until I was 23. I want to know what its like to have a gf in high school and then sneaking over to her house after school or in the middle of the night for a good time
None of that stuff makes you a loser. I think it’s that outlook which is destructive. You were a person who was learning and becoming yourself. That wasn’t a waste. A loser is a person who goes out of their way to hurt other people, who blames other people for their problems, and who refuses to better themselves and their situation. Is that you? Having a defeatist attitude could make you a loser. The attitude you’re showing in this post now, in the present, feels more of a loser attitude than your past experiences are describing.
I miss my dad who passed away a few years ago. Whenever I miss him in an experience I flip it. I think about how I’m a dad now. My kid can share the experience. I can be curious with them and find that fulfilling.
Maybe start thinking about having kids and helping them through school. Guide them through frustration so they don’t take it out on their peers. Have awesome birthday parties (for kids and adults). Tutor them through difficult subjects with chatgpt.
When you have shame shivers you can remind yourself that you learned from your mistakes. You’re a better person now. You don’t have to remind yourself anymore.
Stop looking out that window, because in 10 years you’ll be posting about missing out on your current life because you were worried about the period before. Do some fun stuff now or enjoy what you have, and please stop calling yourself a loser, it’s hard to read. Life makes sense backwards they say .
Yes…. In my youth….
Saying someone is a “loser” is pretty subjective. Being a loner doesn’t make you one and having a group of people you hang out with doesn’t always mean those relationships are fulfilling or that you make lasting connections from them. All the stuff you say you missed out on, you can’t even really say you would have enjoyed all of it. Some might sound great but they don’t suit everyone. I didn’t do any of those things either; didn’t have the opportunity and didn’t think I’d like it. As an adult I could do plenty of it but still don’t for same lack of interest. Your life at least sounds stable now and you are still young relatively speaking so there are plenty of “wild” things you could still do and you have the perspective of age and experience now that you could do them responsibly. Keep in mind a lot of people who are wild when they are young also do stuff that wreck their life’s, so really you could say you dodged a bullet by missing out.
People often define a loser by being broke .. once you’re financially stable, you’ll no longer be one
I don’t know. I was a loser growing up and still a loser today.
How to cope?
Errr sounds like you didnt waste your youth at all, you got a good career a house a SO – well spent youth if you ask me. You can still party if you want btw
Never too late to have fun.
I wasn’t allowed to go to prom, walk at graduation or play sports my senior year because I was graduating at the end of the first semester instead of when the rest of the seniors graduated. Senior year I need half of an English credit to graduate, so I came to school for a single class every day. The rest of my day was spent doing “independent study”, welding, and, weirdly enough, (I had a driver’s license and had since I was 16) drivers Ed.
For me it’s actually tough till this day I have moments that I struggle with, I had a very bad youth I was short and fat and we were poor, I hung out with the popular boys group but It was only really because my childhood friends from elementary school were part of that group, and I think because of that thing were worse, I didn’t belong so I stood out, my friend would always get in fights because people would pick on me throw food at me ,I got pants alot , made fun of for everything from my hair toy shoes ,at one point in 7th grade the “cool” girls had a home made year book/scrap book where they had pictures of most of the 7th grade class , I lived in a small city so it wasn’t a huge school and they did their own “most likely section” and for me it was a picture of me with the words PORKY PIG and most likely to be a loser forever… I never recovered from that , and the name Porky stuck with me all of junior high and part of high school .. high school I only really had 1 friend, and I spent it trying to fit in and find a group that accepted me but never did I was a poser, I went thru a hip hop phase, skateboard phase, rock phase basically any group that exists in HS I tried to fit in and I never did.
Summer going into Junior year I blossomed, I grew up to being 6’0 from 5’6 my acne cleared up, I got a summer job so I had money to buy nice school clothes and shoes but by that time I was still just Porky but I wasn’t picked on anymore but I still tried way to hard to be cool , girls actually showed me some attention but I had zero idea how to talk to any of them and thats basic how my next 2 years went, I didn’t go to partiers nor was I invited except for the last week of school when I went to 2, I had people I knew and talked to but no one I would actually call friends, my senior year my only real friend had graduated the year before and he left to the military.
And even as a adult I didn’t find my stride and break free of that until tli was 24ish?? I made friends and had a close friend group slowly I learned to talk to woman and my career flourished and now life is great , but the trauma of those first 24 years still hurt me.. most days are great I would say 354 days a year are great but those 10 random days I still think of and it’s usually when I run into someone from the past and they are friendly or pretend like we were friends back then..
Failing makes you a better person in the long run. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. You have so much more life to live, channel those feelings of regret and shame into motivating yourself to make the most of life. Plenty of people peak in high school and fall off afterwards. Life is full of set backs and every one has thier own journey
Go to Vegas.
Be happy you are not a loser anymore, a lot like you never end up finding a way of rising up in life like you did. You have a decent life now, many never will.
Young people are pretty much universally stupid. I didn’t even think of school as something for my own good until I was like 17. It was just something I endured because I had to, and did so with the minimum effort required.
I know better now, but I don’t blame myself for being an idiot at that age, because that’s just how I was at the time. No use blaming yourself for something you did back when you were practically a completely different person.
I wasn’t a loser. I was just average. Kinda weird. A bit flirty. But I had a lot of friends.
Its pretty overrated
I did all of it and in retrospect its not a big deal.
You can still do all of it and while it was fun, some good memories but nothing life changing.
I just live with it, i want it raw
Mate I’m 24 and thought the same. I grew up a very socially awkward youth and got harassed and degraded by peers for 2 years in school for being a nice awkward kid, which really hurt my confidence. I would later see Snapchat stories of all the popular kids having amazing house parties and struggled to fit in new groups. Even when I thought my confidence grew, COVID hit and it hit another new low for me just before uni. But now, after lifting the mask I built into myself of anger from past rejections and the hollow feeling I’ve had of missing out from being a shut-in for a while, I realise that I’ve actually done and accomplished so much more than I realised. My past rejections encouraged me to pursue new interests, work on myself, get out the comfort zone and go crazier later on. I got some regrets but I recently realised was secretly way too harsh on myself to see how far I grew since being 13.