Lack of sex is killing my 10 years old marriage. She’s 45, I’m 42. We’re parents since 2019. She seems to live fine without sex, I just can’t do it. Communication should be the key to solve the problem, but I just don’t know what else to tell her anymore, it simply doesn’t work. I just don’t know what to do next.
How can I save the marriage?
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Lack of sex is killing my 10 years old marriage. She’s 45, I’m 42. We’re parents since 2019. She seems to live fine without sex, I just can’t do it. Communication should be the key to solve the problem, but I just don’t know what else to tell her anymore, it simply doesn’t work. I just don’t know what to do next.
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After a decade together its less about sex itself and more about whether you’re both still choosing the same kind of marriage.
Tell her exactly what you just said here “ I just can’t do it anymore”. If she fails to listen and work with you then you know what comes next. Your meant to be a team, marriage is about loving and supporting each other. Tell her being intimate is important to you and it isn’t something you can live without.
Let’s try to get to the root of the problem. Questions for you, OP. 1. When you try to initiate sex, what do you do/say, and when/where? (Like is it at bedtime in bed, is it morning during shower, etc.) And 2. How do the conversations with her go?
Become a porn addict like other married men in sexless marriages and then wait for your wife and Reddit to be furious with you that you use porn, and that you should instead be content with zero sexual gratification in your life.
Edit: “Addict” a throwaway comment here as one poster clung to that. The point being men who make the effort, try to fix it, get met with no feedback and then if they use porn occasionally to avoid breaking up their family instead to seek sex elsewhere, they are vilified. Obviously unhealthy to be addicted.
I would try and ask her if she wants to see a sex therapist with you and see why she doesn’t want to. Since she’s 45, she might be going through perimenopause, so that will decrease her sex drive and could be a possible reason. Like you said, all you can do is communicate that you want to be more intimate, and maybe for her that isnt penetration so you’ll have to try and compromise something in between. If not, maybe you aren’t compatible with each other anymore. How is your overall relationship like? Does she still love you?
Commonly in relationships, men have sex to relax and women have to feel relaxed to want sex. So how stressed is your wife?
Have a look at these cards and see if there are stressful tasks you can take off her plate to free up some emotional space for intimacy.
Or marriage counselling?
Read “Come as you are”. Tell your wife she is not allowed to read it. This should ensure she does. Then ask her what she wants different in the marriage – probably won’t be anything to do with sex. And make sure you really understand her answer. Then do any of it you can. Ask for positive things you can do.
If that doesn’t work you’re going to have to explain that you signed up for monogamy not celibacy and so you either need counselling, an arrangement by which you can have sex with other people, or separation. All three of those options can work well.
Good luck, friend.
You can’t “save” a marriage….alone smh. A good marriage takes 2 “yes” for it to work and 1 “no” for it to be over which is the case here.
10 years and you’re already at this point of you should divorce. Do you guys have date nights without the kids? Overnight getaways? ? Are you romantic? Celebrate wedding anniversaries? Etc.
It’s not you vs her, it’s you and her vs the problem. Tell her you need to talk to her about something that’s bothering you and you’d like her help with it. It may be you need counseling, it may be you need to up your game in getting her in the mood. Guys usually get in the mood instantly, that’s just our physiology, women usually need stress reduced and feel wanted. Google the “Bad Girls Bible,” it’s about how to help get a woman in the mood with more than just romance and erotic stimulation. Just remember to stay calm and if either of you get upset it’s ok to say you need to walk away for a bit and want to continue the conversation once you’ve calmed down.
Communication is key and when you dont feel heard its a matter of reshaping communication to the point where you start to listen to each other again. I highly recommend couples therapy. listen to each other to receive, not to respond.
Lack of sex isn’t the problem. It’s something lurking underneath that needs to be surfaced. She has to be the one to tell you and you need to make space for her to feel safe to tell you by not getting upset with her. For example, in my marriage, we went through 8 years of low sex. The cause? Turns out the solution was simple: she needed physical touch and for me to put my phone down around her and pay attention to her. Once I started giving her those things, sex came.
Your situation may not have such a simple solution, but you need to create an environment where she can freely open up to you.
Try new things. If she got used to not having it, it’s normal her drive became zero. You guys have to force it in a way, to break the magic circle, at least this is what I’ve heard the therapist said.
Voice of experience here:
I have had two, long term (10+ years each) dead bedroom relationships in my life. Between 1998 and 2023 I had sex probably 10 times.
When my last relationship ended in 2022 (she ended it) I sought therapy. I was at a complete dead-end. I just wanted to get the instruction manual that everybody else seemed to have gotten.
After 2.5 years of weekly therapy from a very well known sexologist and psychosexual therapist, I’ve learned a few things.
95% of women lose all spontaneous desire after 3 years in a stable relationship. They only experience responsive desire after that. If you haven’t figured out what she responds to by that time, you almost never will.
Less than 10% of couples find a way back to a mutually satisfying sexual relationship after this. If you decide to try to fix it, the odds are stacked hugely against you.
The thing that I did wrong, was stay committed. It may be different for you, but as we dived into my past relationships (in therapy) to understand them, I started to see that all the markers had been there from the beginning. In my partners and in me.
It’s very likely that both of you chose each other for familiarity and comfort. But comfort isn’t sexy, it’s not attractive, it doesn’t matter how attractive your bodies are, or your personalities, if your relationship is comfortable and familiar and stable, it’s stale – you will have no sex.
I’m not a therapist, and these things may not apply to you. But I do encourage you to seek individual therapy regardless of what happens. Rejection doesn’t just hurt – it damages. It’s possible to be damaged beyond repair.
Is it lack of sex or is it lack of intimacy? The first you will get shamed for but the second tends to go hand in hand with sex and I think is more palatable – in terms that women can understand.
In the sense, the stereotype is that men just want sex and a lot of it – hence women almost have this built in defense mechanism for it.
Time to have that conversation, I waited way too long, and stayed way too long, turned to porn, and that didn’t work I just started cheating. Marriage is perfect today.
There are all sorts of possibilities such as her emotional needs not being met , non sexual intimacy, perimenopausal issues etc. Whatever the problem(s) are, they require her and you to overcome. That’s where I would start (that’s what I did). Either she wants to solve the issue or she doesnt. If she doesnt, then that will end in divorce.
Eh, you’re leaving out context.
I’m also a parent to a six yr old (no this isn’t my husband, my husband is older), and we’ve also been married 10 years.
What is your communication to her? That you want to have sex? How long has it been? How many children? Does she work? Do you? How is the home workload split? Does she cook the meals? Do most of the cleaning? Laundry? Grocery shopping? Take care of the kid(s)? Etc.? Are you guys making time to date still? Do you still buy her flowers.. just because?
All relationships go through ebbs and flows in the bedroom, it’s natural because of everything life throws at us. However:
You can’t spout communication without looking at the situation from a realistic view.
She’s 45. I’m 45. We’re fkn tired. We’re either in perimenopause or starting to hit perimenopause (Google it. It’s hell.)
A 6 yr old (or younger if you have more kids) need a lot, they’re hitting first grade, learning to read – so now they’re really developing as people – plus managing a household and job(s) is all a team effort too. You need to really check yourself and see if you’re meeting her wherever you can to help take some of the load off.
My husband still gets laid. Why? Because I come home from work on random days and dinner is already cooked. Or the floors are swept and mopped. Or laundry is going, the dishwasher is ran, etc. Or I’ll get in my car for work and there’s a bouquet of flowers in my steering wheel.
We make the time to date, even if it’s running away from the kids (we’ve got some older ones) to go have a drink then go grocery shopping together. Or plan a quick weekend away if we can talk Nana into staying with the offspring.
Because of all of this, if I notice a lull in our sex life, I just pounce – already know he’s in lol
My partner has been in that situation with his Ex… we’ve been friends before our relationship and he confided in me back then. At first I had the usual assumptions… she’s under too much stress, he needs to take on more of the mental load, take care of her in other ways, maybe he’s just not good in bed or lazy or selfish and all that.
Since I have first hand experience now – nope, none of the above. She’s not a b*tch either, she just really doesn’t enjoy sex much. So – if you know for sure that you covered all the usual bases and it still doesn’t work – maybe talk through separating. It always sounds so harsh to end a relationship “just” over sex. But it’s never “just” that. It’s the pleasure part, sure. But it’s also the feeling of somehow being not wanted, not fully accepted, not desired that can absolutely eat you up
Yeah, do the dishes, wash the clothes, vacuum the house, clean the toilets, buy her stuff she loves, give her flowers and dark chocolate, and don’t raise your voice at her for six months— you still won’t get laid.
If she doesn’t care there’s not much you can do.
Ages ago I married my college sweetheart. We had great sex -especially during those lazy Sunday afternoons. Then after 5 years she didn’t seem to enjoy our intimate times together in bed. Cold as a rock. She just laid there waiting for me to climax. My instincts told me something was wrong so I asked her, “Nothing” she said. Then there was less warmth in our relationship… I couldn’t figure it out-it was driving me crazy. About 10 months later I discovered she ( a teacher) was having an affair with her principal. Ahhhh!! No wonder our sex had changed.
How old is the youngest kid? Is she in perimenopause? If so has she had her labs checked? Is she satisfied when you do have sex? Do you both work? Was the sex life good before you had kids? Do you guys have a chance to get away and have date nights? So many questions that could help identify a root cause. I’m sorry your relationship is going through this!
Have her hormones checked.
> She’s 45
Perimenopause.
If she’s willing and able–and, because of health history and genetics, not all women are able–hormone replacement therapy can restore her estrogen and testosterone levels and revive her libido.
if she doesn’t want to solve the problem you can’t do anything
She’s 45, and has started perimenopause. She doesn’t desire sex, because her hormone levels have dropped. She should talk to her doctor or gyno about starting HRT.
Find stuff to do out of the house by yourself. Be less available. She will either start to miss your absence and make an effort or she won’t but you will have found a new life. You have a kid start taking the kid out to parks riding a hike and stuff. Make your life about your kid.
Men need to stop suffering in sexless marriages, call an attorney and bail out
Perimenopause is bitch.
I’ve scrolled through a few of these comments, and there is obviously a wide divide here. And I’m obviously not a man.
I did didn’t see anyone talk about your wife’s age, or if you acknowledged it. If I missed it then my bad.
Perimenopause is a fucking bitch. Rivaled by postpartum – but it is the queen bitch.
One year ago, I gave birth to our daughter, and in the first month and a half afterwards, it was like we were newlyweds again doing everything but (obviously for safety.) Then my hormones TANKED.
I still loved my husband, and objectively still wanted to be with him, but I was 100% okay with no sex. I still enjoyed it when he initiated – but – I didn’t initiate, for months. It wasn’t on my radar, at all.
Recently? All the servers are back online.
Your wife, experienced postpartum, and the up down of that, and is now in her mid 40s, and depending on her physiology might already be knee-deep in menopause or perimenopause
This is not me making excuses for someone who is not communicating, because I was self-aware of how I felt, and I was able to communicate that with my partner.
But it is something I want to bring a little bit of attention to considering some of the hate in these comments.
She might literally feel asexual right now. Not that she doesn’t wanna have sex with you, she might just not want to be sexual at all because her body is not going to respond like it used to.
Again, this is not an excuse and it is not a cop out of getting help – whether that is hormone therapy or some other form of intervention to help her and you.
The majority of the clients that I had were women in their 40s and 50s and on the other side of perimenopause, they all said they felt like themselves again. Some of them got some hormone therapy. Some of them rode it out.
Before you take to Reddit again, is there an opportunity to talk to your wife about some of the needs that you have?
Some of these prompts feel accusatory, and some of them are just straight up choosing violence. I would hope you could approach it from a “I love you and find you as alluring as the day I met you. But I feel like you are struggling to see that side of yourself. Is there anything we can do as a couple to help you?”
I’m not saying there aren’t women who withhold sex as a punishment, and I’m not saying that there aren’t legitimate dead bedrooms, that are willful.
I just sincerely hope that you explore a different potential cause before you listen to some of the answers here. Because had my husband come at me with “you never initiate and I’m tired of putting in 80-90% of the work.” When I was up every 90 minutes to 2 hours to breast-feed our daughter and dealing with hormones that made me feel absolutely alien in my own mind, it would have made me feel even more isolated.
From a menopause or perimenopause perspective, my mother is 10 years older than my father and hers started in her mid 40s three years after she gave birth to our youngest sibling – the majority of her symptoms didn’t really kick off until she was 50. While my dad was popping blue pills at 40 so he could still feel 20, my mom was confiding in me that she felt less than and like she could not keep up.
They don’t make lil blue pills for women, or didn’t then. Else she would’ve. It was hard, extremely hard for them, and as the oldest child i probably know more than a 30 year old should about their parent’s sex life. But whatever. 😅
They committed through it, she did get some hormone help (post 55) and they found routines that work for them.
All this to say in the longest reply I probably have ever done on Reddit – please for the love of your relationship and your wife remember who you were married to. She may not feel like that person right now, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love or want you.
im in a similar boat. 34M/35F. Two kids, 6 and 8. Together for 10 years. Soon after the first kid, our intimacy went down 90% on her side. I tried everything, nothing works. Sex now feels empty when it happens and its not fulfilling at all. Im out of ideas
Can you become ethically nonmonogamous?
It’s a pretty popular relationship style these days, and continues growing in popularity every year.
So much bad advice in this thread. Repeat after me, attraction cannot be negotiated
Lack of intimacy just puts distance between you, I wish I had fought harder to save my marriage because we were such good friends and now I’m on the outside looking in. I miss my family. Tell her how important the connection you have is. Tell her you miss her. Seek counselling, fight for it. Ask what she needs. Take over chores and give her time off. Put in the work. Hang onto your family. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Grass isn’t greener.
Tell yourself, what you ain’t changing you’re choosing. And if you choose this life, put on a smile and live with it.
Fuck the marriage. Save YOURSELF. And For the LOVE OF GOD, stay single and solitude.
Get some tail from time to time to take the edge off. Resist the urge to live with it. Ever. I Have a girlfriend for the last four years since divorce.
Trust me she wants to cohabitate with me, but I’ve been pretty successful making sure I lived in my house and she live in hers.
I’ve been married 18 years previously I know when you cohabitate that’s where the bullshit starts. Meanwhile, we have not lived together. The sex life and respect is super strong.
Water shouldn’t be with oil.
Have you (gently) brought up the idea that she may be peri-menopausal? It can absolutely wreck a lot of aspects because of the hormone balance. I’d she’s open to the idea, maybe a consult with a doc who specializes in it? I’ve heard tale of women feeling 20 years younger after getting levels checked and balanced.
my perspective from an older pov…..sometimes people get married for the wrong reasons or rush into it thinking “that’s the one”. then comparability issues creep in. some things can’t be saved.
women seem to check out on good guys more often than men do. it’s in their nature to seek out sex from other men, where as men will stay in an average sex relationship without much complaining. there’s also the excitement aspect, women seem to be more addicted to the new partner thing, especially if they’ve had sex with a fair amount of guys.
IMO the lack of sex is never the real issue it’s a symptom of the real issue which is that the relationship has changed into something else and it’s not just gonna change back to what it used to be
communication is one thing and putting in a genuine effort to make her feel sexy and desired is another. and I dont mean desired by being like “I want to have sex”
try to actually turn her on. maybe try r/ask women not men. youre seeking answers about a woman.
I don’t really understand these scenarios. Did you talk to your wife about it? If so, did she just say somethnig like “Too bad, so sad”? That’s not an appropriate attitude in a marriage, which you probably know since you’ve been married longer than me.
You can’t just ignore the other person’s needs. So why haven’t you come to a compromise? She won’t do it? If so, she’s 100% in the wrong; that’s not something you can do in a marriage. In some countries, it’s grounds for divorce. She should obviously be willing to do it to a reasonable extent if it’s something you require
ÍI’ve been where you are. My question to you is which is more important. Saving the marriage or your satisfaction with your sex life?
There’s a bunch of generic advice here about communication and the magical combination of chores you have to complete to put her in the mood. I’ll assume you’re past all this obvious stuff, the reality is she has a lower labido and it’s probably not going to change. If anything, it’ll probably get worse as you both age.
So, if the marriage is important, learn to accept it and try and put the energy elsewhere. You will be constantly sexually frustrated (I tried this approach for years).
If your sex life is more important, then leave, because no amount of talking will “fix” a lower labido person because there isn’t anything wrong with them, they’re just not as sexual as you. Your needs aren’t being met, and they never will be with her.
5 Love languages
I used to be the wife that didn’t want sex. Here’s a few things that helped bring passion back into our marriage.
These are assuming that birth control or health issues aren’t lowering her drive. (Others mentioned perimenopause, this could be a huge issue). But in case that isn’t the issue, here’s what helped us, though I know this won’t work/resonate with everyone.
If, every time you make out with your wife, would it lead to sex if you let it? Let her know you want to kiss her just because you want to kiss her. If she’s not in the mood, it may lead to her guard being up and her not wanting to even kiss you or show much physical intimacy because she doesn’t want to get your hopes up. Changing this will help her be more receptive in general.
The concept of polarity in marriage. We had a good marriage and were best friends, but had little passion. It was really things outside the bedroom that made all the difference. Here’s some indicators that polarity may be helpful: do you feel like your wife is critical, controlling, or nags? Would your wife (whether you agree or not) say that she wishes you’d step up more or listen better? If these things resonate with you, let me know and I can share more about polarity.
Reframing view on sex. Views like “sex is a man’s need that women need to satisfy” and “all men struggle with lust all the time” were super harmful, made me distrust my husband, and made me feel used, and not interested in sex.
Number two was the biggest one for us, but all three of these were big pieces that helped me want to have sex with my husband again.
Been married 21 years. Kids for 15 years now. My wife has made it clear that she’s only really turned on outside the house without the kids around. So, vacations and date nights.
It’s reddit so I’m sure it’s somehow the man’s fault.
Several years back I came across this comment in a post similar to yours. It struck a cord with me, so I saved it to the notes on my phone. There may (or may not) be something in here to help:
> Based on the friends who now rarely have sex with their husbands and have repeatedly explained why, here’s my advice:
>
>1. figure out where her energy is going. This refers to mental energy along with physical exertion. Is it just that her work is demanding? Or does she not get any time to unwind after work because she’s constantly handling home responsibilities (housework, childcare, meal prep, errands such as grocery shopping)? Is she the “manager” of such responsibilities, so her mind is constantly having to make lists just to keep the household organized? If so…make sure you’re stepping up and doing her your part so she isn’t bearing the burden alone and burning out.
>2. do you have children? If so, do you take time to yourself to relax/see friends/do a hobby? Does she? If she doesn’t, she may just feel like “mom” and not like a woman anymore. (Also, if you do have young kids, she may just be “touched out” – especially if she’s breastfeeding and no longer feels like her body is hers. Kids touch you so often and it’s always a demand until you get to the point where one more touch makes you want to scream.)
>3. does she “nag” you? Is she repeatedly asking you to do some household task or errand that you’ve been ignoring. This absolutely kills attraction. Nagging you makes her feel like your mom, and she doesn’t want to fuck a child. I have personally left a relationship because I know longer saw him sexually because he was so irresponsible that I kept being forced to mother him and I hated it.
>4. do you touch her NON-sexually? Do you hug her from behind, drop a kiss on her head, cuddle her during a movie? If not, start dammit. Those little touches keep the love alive, they cause a burst of happiness. If the only time you show physical affection is when you want sex, your every touch will feel like a demand. That breeds resentment and kills desire, and will lead to the lack of any physical intimacy at all that people on the deadbedrooms sub post about.
>5. have you each set aside time to spend together? It could be snuggling up to watch a show, but there’s also playing a game together, going for a walk, going on dates. Even if you live together, you should never stop dating each other. When you combine regular affectionate touches with spending quality time together, it’s basically foreplay before the clothes come off. And it makes sense – you can’t ignore your SO during the day as if you’re roommates and honestly expect her to still crave you at night.
>6. mix things up. Have you two fallen into a bit of a rut? Do you always brush your teeth, go to bed, then have the same sex in the same way? Can you each predict how the other person will reach for you? That’s comfortable…and boring. Assuming you know her boundaries and stay within them (and don’t have kids to traumatize), initiate in different ways and encourage her to do the same. Pull her into your lap while watching a movie, kiss her neck in whatever way she likes, then proceed to tease the hell out of her. Back her against a wall in the hallway and do the same. Let her know it would be hot as hell for her to surprise you instead. BUT ALWAYS KEEP THESE TWO RULES IN MIND: (a) do not try this when she’s busy trying to accomplish a task, it isn’t sexy to be interrupted when working on something you’re focused on and want to finish, and (b) initiate in a way that is sexy to her, not just a demand; if you walk up to her and randomly hump her ass as if that will suddenly make her wet, you’re an idiot and you deserve the lonely boner you’ll earn – treat her like a person you any want to give pleasure to, not a damn piece for meat.
>
>As you can see, it really isn’t that complicated. I know for a fact that one of the women I’m thinking out has explained exactly this so her SO. He still leaves all the childcare/housework to her though and thinks randomly grabbing her ass when she’s busy is sufficient foreplay to get her in the mood so…there’s a reason they haven’t had sex in ages.
>
>ETA: in case I actually have to say this, 7) is sex equally pleasurable for her? Does she orgasm? Do you offer a hand if you finish first, or offer to use a toy if needed to help her finish? If she struggles to orgasm, have you talked about what she enjoys best instead? If she isn’t getting much out of sex, it becomes more of a burden than anything else. No one wants sex that will just leave them pent up and frustrated – they’d rather just go to bed and relax, or have solo time on their own. Sex needs to be for both of your pleasure.