I (26f) work in a private firm , it’s relatively small and most of us are good friends my indian coworker (27m) is super sweet and yesterday he brought a box of sweets which his girlfriend made for a festival.
He offered me some during lunch , I took one piece ans it was amazing but too sweet so I politely declined when he insisted for more , he said ‘if you want more let me know’
All fine.
When I was packing up to leave, I went into my bag for my keys and noticed a small tiffin container inside. Turns out he had put extra sweets in there for me.
Problem is… that means he opened my bag. And my bag has personal stuff in it like pads, undergarments, etc. It felt like a total invasion of privacy.
I got really upset and sort of embarassed because it just didn’t felt right i went to him and kind of confronted him and he just casually brushed it off and said hes just trying to ‘share’ and I kind of snapped and yelled at him Now a couple coworkers think I embarrassed him over nothing and should’ve let it go.
I know he meant well but at the moment it felt really wrong and invasion of privacy…AITA?
TL;DR: Coworker brought sweets his girlfriend made , later found he’d opened my bag and put some in there anyway. I snapped and yelled at him
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (26f) work in a private firm , it’s relatively small and most of us are good friends my indian coworker (27m) is super sweet and yesterday he brought a box of sweets which his girlfriend made for a festival.
He offered me some during lunch , I took one piece ans it was amazing but too sweet so I politely declined when he insisted for more , he said ‘if you want more let me know’
All fine.
When I was packing up to leave, I went into my bag for my keys and noticed a small tiffin container inside. Turns out he had put extra sweets in there for me.
Problem is… that means he opened my bag. And my bag has personal stuff in it like pads, undergarments, etc. It felt like a total invasion of privacy.
I got really upset and sort of embarassed because it just didn’t felt right i went to him and kind of confronted him and he just casually brushed it off and said hes just trying to ‘share’ and I kind of snapped and yelled at him Now a couple coworkers think I embarrassed him over nothing and should’ve let it go.
I know he meant well but at the moment it felt really wrong and invasion of privacy…AITA?
TL;DR: Coworker brought sweets his girlfriend made , later found he’d opened my bag and put some in there anyway. I snapped and yelled at him
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Yelling at my coworker when he meant good by giving me sweets
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. He intended to be generous, but yes that’s your privacy.
NTA, but I would suggest not yelling at coworkers and instead elevating this to your manager or HR. Its not okay to go through a personal things.
NTA. He had no business going into your bag. Meaning well is a bullshit excuse.
NTA. You are not ah for being upset someone went through/opened you things.
ESH
You are right, he should not have done what he did. He’s an asshole for violating your privacy and brushing you off. In fact, he is by far the bigger asshole here.
However, confronting him in a public setting and then losing it makes you an AH as well.
In the work place, the first time someone does something off base
or
The moment you lose your cool, you lose any high ground you may have had. That means that EVERYONE will no longer take you seriously, as evident in your co-workers’ attitudes. (btw, they are AH too, for not agreeing that your privacy was violated.) In fact, you’ve opened yourself up to an HR complaint.
NTA for being upset that your coworker got into your bag without your permission. You had every reason to expect your bag to be a private place. That said, yelling at him was not the best reaction on your part. You just needed to firmly let him know, in a controlled voice, that you did not appreciate his getting into your bag without your permission and let him know that that must never happen again.
ESH.
Yes, as well meaning as his intentions were, he invaded your privacy and had no right to do that, however…sounds like you yelled at him in front of everyone.
Yelling in a professional setting is never called for. You should have taken him aside privately and talked to him about it. Instead, you railroaded him in public. Very badly done.
For this reason…you both suck.
ESH-he shouldn’t have opened your bag. But you definitely didn’t have to yell. A firmer tone would have gotten your point across.
NTA, im a indian myself and its culture here to give extra. but he could have rather kept it on your table or chair
NTA.
Your bag is personal property. He should not be touching it at all.
Should you have lost it on him? probably not a good look at your work place. Honestly I probably would have gone straight to HR or a manager/supervisor, which might leave a permanent mark on his work record.
NTA! He could of left them on your desk
ESH. Shouldn’t have gone in your bag. You, a grown adult, didn’t have to yell.
ESH. He invaded your privacy. You yelled at him.
ESH
Your initial reaction is valid. The way you both handled it was less than stellar.
YTA: your reaction was completely over the top. The first step is to simply ask him not to go into your bag again.
You can’t scream at a coworker for something like this.
NTA – I hope you were clear about the issue though, unlike the title. “Don’t put sweets in my bag” makes it sound like the sweets are relevant. “Don’t fucking touch my stuff” is nice and clear.
NTA.
The dude went into your purse without permission, doesn’t matter if he was just putting something in it, you do not go into other people’s things period!
I was going to say you should never yell at a co-worker. However he crossed the line from co-worker into personal space. You didn’t just yell at him. You addressed the situation and told him it was unacceptable for him to violate your personal space.
Where he proceeded to brush it off. Then and only then did you yell at him. By that time it was justified because apparently speaking to him normally didn’t get the point across.
A woman’s purse is her personal private space. In legal terms it’s called trespass to chattels. It’s also a criminal violation of privacy in some places it’s also another criminal charge called unauthorized use of a moveable. It doesn’t matter the reason. It’s never acceptable to trespass into someone’s chattels. Which means movable object.
He could have apologized and said it won’t happen again. Which was the proper response to violating someone’s private chattel.
ESH
Confronting him was a little aggressive. You could have just said “I noticed you put some sweets in my bag. I appreciate the thought, but my bag is private, and I would prefer that people not go into it.”
Then when he brushed you off, you could have said “Please don’t go into my bag again.” and let it there.
Instead you escalated yelled, and became more of a problem than he was. You should apologize, because that’s not appropriate behavior at work.
You overreacted.
NTA. He literally invaded your personal space without permission. Intentions don’t erase boundaries. Yelling isn’t ideal but your reaction is understandable your bag is private, especially with intimate items inside. Setting firm boundaries here is not overreacting.
YTA for a public confrontation. He also crossed a line, but was it at all possible for him to have dropped the tin in without looking inside? Or was it obvious he moved thins around to place it?
NTA. This needs to go to HR. Coworker opened your bag. It doesn’t matter that he put something in, he went into your stuff. He needs a warning from management that the belongings of his coworkers are off limits.
to be honest? YTA. He probably dropped the box in your bag and didnt sieve through it. You could have nicely said “hey i know you were trying to be nice but please dont do it again, its an invasion of privacy.”
Man, yelling at him for putting sweets in your bag? Thats an asshole move.
Now if it had happened more than once and this guy was being overly nice in an uncomfortable way, sure. But for such a minor thing.
It may also be cultural so please consider that.
NTA why didn’t he just leave them at your work space?
ESH Why are you confronting someone instead of turning them into HR?
ESH going through a woman’s purse even to put something in it is inappropriate behavior for a professional workplace. So is yelling at people.
YTA
He shouldn’t have gotten in your bag, he should’ve just left them on a desk. But there’s no reason to assume it was done with malicious intent.
Absolutely understandable to be upset at the invasion of privacy. But yelling is inappropriate in a situation where you yourself say most of your coworkers are treated as friends. Yelling at work is inappropriate. Sometimes it’s worthwhile to take a few breaths, so you can be firm, and respectable. It’s hard to respect someone who yells.
YTA
Idk why it’s relevant that your coworker is Indian lol
NTA. As a man, I would never go into anyone’s bag unless I had permission, and even then I’d only feel comfortable doing so with family or a partner if they asked me to get their keys or something. He could have left it beside your bag but really shouldn’t have pushed the issue since you already said you didn’t want any more.
NTA, the coworker invaded OP’s personal space/property no matter how well his intentions wear and deserved to be yelled at.
ESH. What he was wrong on a technicality personal belongings are off limits, he had no malicious intent though. You on the other hand are an adult use your words don’t yell like a child in a work environment. A simple threat to HR would suffice “I’m told you politely don’t go through my stuff again, next time I’ll be speaking to HR, let’s not have a next time mmkay byeee” sassy would be better than yelling
ESH:
Him because he opened your bag. You because you snapped and yelled. There was no need for that. You could have been an adult about it and pulled him aside and set a boundary.
Both of you need to do better.
ESH
Boundaries are important, but so is intention. If you knew he meant well and this was a coworker you had a previous cordial/friendly work relationship with then you could’ve had the grace to allow him the opportunity to learn from his behavior and apologize. You ruined any possibility of that when you went in with an emotional response first which can deeply ruin your future rapport with your coworkers.
And if it affected you enough to yell, then as an adult in the workplace you should’ve gone straight to HR. No aggressive confrontations in your shared work environment.
YTA. You don’t know if he just dropped the container in your bag, he probably did not rifle through your belongings. He did it from a place of kindness and you yelled at him instead of saying: next time, please do not touch my bag. Don’t be surprised if he avoids you from now on.
Esh.
He shouldn’t have gone into your bag, you’re right, but you shouldn’t have yelled.
When you next see him, apologize for yelling, but say firmly “please don’t put anything directly into my bag next time; I feel as though that is an invasion of my privacy. Either hand stuff to me, or leave it next to/under/on top of my bag.” or something along those lines.
NTA. Everyone knows you don’t go into a woman’s handbag. Anyone’s for that matter.
I’m not sure what is going on in these comments.. but you are NTA. Men need to listen the first time a woman tells them something.
NTA. But you could have calmly told him” Hey buddy, you should know that a womans purse is considered a very private thing and all women get uncomfortable with someone going through their purse. Please never do that again, on my or any womans purse.”
Yelling just makes you seem unreasonable even though its reasonable to expect privacy. You could have calmly educated him, possibly changing his world view a little.
NTA – you don’t go into your colleagues’ bags unless you have express condition, the exception would be in a medical emergency looking for their asthma inhaler, epi-pen etc.
YTA congratulations, now everyone at the office knows you have the emotional intelligence of a child.
ESH. Conduct yourself better in the office, and in general
He shouldn’t have opened your bag.
YTA, no one should ever be yelling at another in a workplace unless there is literally an emergency like directing people during a fire or yelling for someone to call 911.
NTA. Him “meaning well” does not give him permission to open up your bag! Your co-workers that think you should let it go…good. He can root around their personal belongings.
ESH. No coworker should not be opening your bag and dropping things into it, but unless he’s overstepped before going straight to confronting and yelling at him instead of having a normal conversation like an adult is an extreme overreaction. I know the “Gen Z has zero social skills and don’t know how to behave appropriately” is something of a meme, but you’re one of those people who confirms that myth.
Pro tip from someone older? Confronting people never leads to positive outcomes. No one likes being attacked, especially if they meant well. A simple “hey man, I know you meant well with [insert action here] but I really would appreciate it if you did/didn’t do X, Y, or Z” goes waaaay further. Will make your life so much less stressful and drama filled.
YTA for yelling at him in front of other people. You could have taken him aside and just let him know how you felt. I’m sure you made him feel humiliated and ambarassed,
NTA 100%
You already told him “no”.
He had absolutely no business leaving things in your bag.
Yelling was a mild correction for something so creepy and intrusive.
NTA
NTA
My husband won’t go in my bag. He will ring me the bag,but he refuses to go in it. If a spouse won’t go in a bag, a coworker definitely should not go in a bag. If he is embarrassed he did it to himself.
NTA
YTA He dropped candy in your bag and you’re looking to go to HR. Chill…
NTA, not his shit, not his place. He very easily could’ve left it by the bag.
He should not have opened your bag without your permission. That being said, I think you overreacted and are a little bit the asshole.
NTA. I had my bag open and asked my guy friend to grab my water bottle and he handed me the whole purse and said “no guys shouldn’t go through a woman’s purse”
His behavior was completely inappropriate. Unfortunately, people who behave inappropriately are always going to make excuses for their behavior. NTA.
Nta very weird of him. I would ask to see security footage
NTA
The yelling was rude, hut he also had dismissed your concerns and violated your privacy
Let HR know to handle it
YTA for reacting unprofessionally. However, I agree that he overstepped by going in your bag, or even “dropping” the tin in. Even if he had set it on your desk, it’s overbearing. You said you didn’t want anymore.
ESH. He was totally wrong to do that, and he ought to be more aware of contemporary norms around personal property, especially in the west. I will say in a lot of cultures refusing a gift initially is seen as polite, and even continually refusing is considered a normal thing to do, to only accept it later. I think that might be what he thought you were doing, and also I will say that it was probably killing him that you didn’t take it because from his perspective he was being rude if he didn’t insist. Him going through your bag is weird of course and your reaction is totally understandable. I genuniely think this is one of those cultural things that could have been mutually understood through dialogue. Just pull him aside and say that he majorly overstepped, especially since he could have just put it outside your bag or in the general vicinity. Public humiliation and confrontation rarely works, and fwiw you never yell at a co-worker.
>I know he meant well
If that was true you did not need to yell, embarrass him and embarrass yourself. You are in a professional environment and need to behave such that you don’t let your personal feelings affect the other other co-workers. Now you’ve made everyone awkward.
He’s was inappropriate but you blew it up. Keep your purse in a drawer at work.
ESH
ESH but I would say you are more in the wrong. Especially if it was bad enough that coworkers noticed and mentioned that you embarrassed him.
He shouldn’t have gone in your bag but at least he had good intent. There was no excuse to snap/yell. Honestly I’d apologize to him while CALMLY letting him know that it is not OK to go into people’s bags without permission, even for a “good cause”.
NTA but neither is he?
Yes you are more than appropriately outraged that someone you know as a work friend would go into your purse. I was personally asked by a female boss to fetch something from her purse when a situation required it & she couldn’t do it personally. I felt 1000 shades uncomfortable knowing a woman’s purse is not to be rummaged; I still feel uncomfortable when I need to grab keys from my wife’s purse & she’s sleeping to surprise her with morning coffee.
However, we might have an issue of cultural understanding of propriety. He may seriously just been trying to be generous and our sensitivity around purses may not be reflected in his culture. This is not to dismiss the sense of violation but to perhaps provide an alternate view/understanding as to why he was dismissive of the entire thing.
ESH. There was no need to “confront” him. It’s as simple as saying “I appreciate the gesture but please don’t open my personal belongings in the future. That’s meant to be private. If you want to give me something, you can leave it on my desk.”
NTA get a TSA lock for your bag or just any lock since not only him but your coworkers think it’s OK to just go through your bags
INFO: is your bag (assuming purse) just open at the top or is it zippered closed? Could he have just dropped it in without having to actually open it?
no one is an asshole – all you had to do was define your boundary to him after it happened – overreactions happen, you’re not bad for it, but it was just that – overreaction when you could’ve just told him not to do it again because it was invasive to you.
ESH but soft YTA. Yeah he shouldn’t have opened your bag but it was a big overreaction to yell at him, you could’ve just had a conversation.
OP is menstruating that’s why her hormones are whack…
That’s very intrusive for him to do. No is no he overstepped the boundary that he shouldn’t have been in the first place. it’s amazing how people have something to say when they’re not the ones going through it. I’m pretty sure if it was them they would be just upset as you are, and I strongly believe people need to mind their own business when it comes to something they have no right say anything
ESH.and you know it
NTA. It’s perfectly acceptable to yell at someone for going through your things.