How do I deal with my SOs friend continually crashing at our place?
So my SO and I have been living together for about 5 years. I work in a highly competitive industry, I have very little free time and work crazy hours but I make pretty okay money.
We have a 3 bedroom apartment in LA that I pay 2/3rds of because I use a bedroom as my office. We are still very young (25). It’s expensive but worth it for the area and space we have.
My SO and I went to the same college and so most of her friends are also my friends.
We have one friend that lives in New York now but obviously has a lot of friends in LA still likes to visit. Lately for all of her past trips she’s been staying with us because we have a guest bedroom.
She was here for 2 weeks a month ago and then just let us know that she’ll be staying with us for a week this month. Her last trip out here was around 2 weeks in the spring.
The leftist part of me feels like an asshole since I am in a better situation and so can technically provide But it’s getting a little frustrating that she has no humility or self-awareness about the situation and my partner doesn’t feel super comfortable setting this boundary so I don’t know how to navigate it.
Am I an asshole for wanting her to ask other people or at least compensate us in some way. She drives my SOs car while she’s here and uses our stuff obviously.
I’m pretty sure she’s telling job opportunities that she can work local in LA by planning on staying with us and it just doesn’t super feel fair. I feel like it might be different if her attitude towards it was different but her attitude is very much “look at us all having fun aren’t you so happy I’m here”
Don’t get me wrong she is a dear friend and I love her but I just wish there was a way to broach her attitude towards this and maybe make things feel a bit more fair… Or am I completely overreacting?
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How do I deal with my SOs friend continually crashing at our place?
So my SO and I have been living together for about 5 years. I work in a highly competitive industry, I have very little free time and work crazy hours but I make pretty okay money.
We have a 3 bedroom apartment in LA that I pay 2/3rds of because I use a bedroom as my office. We are still very young (25). It’s expensive but worth it for the area and space we have.
My SO and I went to the same college and so most of her friends are also my friends.
We have one friend that lives in New York now but obviously has a lot of friends in LA still likes to visit. Lately for all of her past trips she’s been staying with us because we have a guest bedroom.
She was here for 2 weeks a month ago and then just let us know that she’ll be staying with us for a week this month. Her last trip out here was around 2 weeks in the spring.
The leftist part of me feels like an asshole since I am in a better situation and so can technically provide But it’s getting a little frustrating that she has no humility or self-awareness about the situation and my partner doesn’t feel super comfortable setting this boundary so I don’t know how to navigate it.
Am I an asshole for wanting her to ask other people or at least compensate us in some way. She drives my SOs car while she’s here and uses our stuff obviously.
I’m pretty sure she’s telling job opportunities that she can work local in LA by planning on staying with us and it just doesn’t super feel fair. I feel like it might be different if her attitude towards it was different but her attitude is very much “look at us all having fun aren’t you so happy I’m here”
Don’t get me wrong she is a dear friend and I love her but I just wish there was a way to broach her attitude towards this and maybe make things feel a bit more fair… Or am I completely overreacting?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel I will be putting someone out and making their life worse just because I’m selfish and want boundaries about my space
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA…”I’m sorry, but I need the guestroom for work.”
Let her know that you’re not able to host her this time and you need (x) amount of notice next time to confirm scheduling. You don’t need to offer alternatives or provide her with why you’re not able to host her, if she pushes back.
NTA.
NTA
I get where you are coming from. Its not so much the impact that someone has, its the emotional impact their attitude or lack of appreciation has. It is just human nature to find it annoying. Guests should be something to enjoy, infrequently and without expectation of anything from them. Those that come frequently should make gestures or show that they value you letting them be there.
My experience with this has been, people are either respectful and appreciative or they aren’t. Challenging the latter, even if done nicely, just leads to resentment and attitude. It’ll somehow be your fault for calling her out. You don’t appreciate her as a friend, or value her company or understand some tough aspect of her life.
From my perspective, you either make your peace with it and keep the friendship or challenge it and potentially lose it.
NTA. Let your friend know your expectations ASAP. I suggest something like, “Bob and I enjoyed your last visit. Unfortunately, we won’t be able to have you stay with us this month. Next time you want to crash at our place please give us at least a month notice so we can deconflict our schedules. We are looking forward to catching up over supper/coffee/a hike on your next trip.”
NTA. She’s assuming it’s alright because there has been zero pushback from past stays.
All you need to do is when she calls up to inform you she’s coming, you say, “Sorry that doesn’t work for us but let us know where you’ll be staying – would love to catch up while you’re here.”
If she’s truly clueless and blows past this polite boundary, you’ll need to let her know up front she’s overstepping her welcome and that while you’re happy to have her occasionally, it’s becoming too frequent for your schedules to support. Though you love seeing her, you can’t be the only place she stays.
If she values the friendship, she’ll apologize and find a couple of other places to add in to her stay rotation.
If you value the friendship, make sure she knows you do welcome her but you can’t be her only go-to, that you’d love to have her come another time.
NTA.
But can you give some info on whether you or your partner have told her in the past that she is welcome to stay with you whenever she needs?
I ask because if so, the conversation you need to have would be to redefine those terms moving forward and not simply “oh you can’t come this time because I need the room for work”
It’s Your place ! You have guest only when it works for you. Friend is overstaying their welcome. Try to stay at their nyc place for two weeks !
NTA. I’d talk it over with your SO first, then have a polite, yet frank conversation with this friend and point out that she’s making a profit off of your hospitality, and if she’s going to make use of your home and a vehicle, it would be appropriate for her to provide you with a reasonable amount of compensation.
That doesn’t have to be money. It could be paying for groceries or meals, cleaning the apartment, cooking, or whatever seems reasonable as a contribution because she’s not visiting; she’s living with you part time.
NTA. “fish and visitors stink after three days.” I’d be on the verge of N A H, except for where she informed you she’d be staying with you, instead of asking. If you want to stay friends, you’re going to have to be careful yet firm about saying no. If that makes her quit being your friend, well, you weren’t as much of a friend as you thought.
You’re 25 and need strangers on Reddit to tell you how to have a conversation with your partner about this?
NTA. The friend is taking advantage of you both. She’s choosing to come stay with you guys way too much. You and your SO have to get on the same page about when it is or isn’t okay to have in house visitors. Just say that you won’t be able to accommodate her stay this time. Don’t explain and don’t justify the reasons why.
Tell your SO that you don’t mind a weekend or so but right now you’re being treated as a hotel and it’s too much. She was here too for two weeks a month ago and now she wants another two weeks? And she borrows your car and then doesn’t take us out to dinner or show us any appreciation or compensation? You have to tell her this doesn’t work for us. You could always tell her we’re having a family or one of us is sick or something
NTA. You could try replying “sorry we have another house guest during that time. Sorry!”
Do it enough and she may open other avenues and be less likely to ask you.
Or you could just talk to her about it.
NTA Grow a spine and tell them no.
Real friends don’t announce they’re coming for two weeks without an invitation.
NTA
>then just let us know that she’ll be staying with us
Wait, did she ask you, or tell you?
You are NTA but you need to talk with your partner to figure this out.
NTA to set a boundary! Two weeks last month and a week this month is just too much. Next time she says she’s coming just say “unfortunately that’s not going to work for us”. You are not a hotel or obligated to give up your car. Don’t feel bad. You can love your friend but not want them in your home constantly.
NTA
You’re not their extended AirBnB. If they intend to stay there for extended time, then you and your SO need to discuss remt/utilities.
Not to mention, your landlord would likely have words about an extra tenant who’s not on the rental agreement.
Honestly, the big issue here is the SO. It’s their friend and responsibility to address. Having a constant intrusion into your home isn’t peaceful for your own sanity
More info: are you and SO on the same page? If not, start there. NTA for wanting reasonable limits on overnight guests but if you and SO are not on the same page, the guest might be the symptom but the problem.
NTA but it’s your office she’s taking so I’m guessing SO is less put out. I’d say you really need it for work sorry
NTA But you both need to stiffen your spines.
Since she told you she’s staying this month, rather than asking, it won’t be easy but tell her ASAP that you prefer not to host her this time but you know she’ll be fine since she has other friends in LA who will be happy to host her.
Then, if she asks again (in the future), make sure you explain that you don’t feel comfortable hosting her so often, and that you prefer she manage otherwise.
NTA. You’re an adult. Find your spine attached to your brain with your word center and act accordingly.
NTA. I would simply say, “sorry that isn’t going to work for us”. Due to some life changes we don’t have the guest space we used to have”
What’s the issue here? That she’s overstaying her welcome or that’s she’s not thankful enough for your hospitality? You don’t say that she’s being rude or a bad guest so not exactly sure what the issue is besides you feeling used for a week a couple times a year. If you went to NYC would you not be able to stay with her for a few days too? Maybe I am missing something obvious but I don’t see a major flag here unless her being there affects your work space and she lives in your office while she’s in town.
NTA but I would let her stay this next time but have a conversation with her while she’s with you about future stays. I think in person you can resolve any ill feelings that might arise.