Essentially, my boyfriend was showing me something on Amazon the other day and I saw a “keep shopping for” with an engagement ring.
It was kind of a surprise, but at the same time he’s made it clear that marriage is on his mind. I would absolutely say yes… but I feel superficial because my concern is the ring itself.
It’s priced at $20, and not at all the style I would ever choose for myself. I know money isn’t everything, but the thought of something so cheap makes me really upset. I don’t expect anything crazy, but I feel like a ring is a representation of the value of our relationship – I only want to be married once, so I intend to use the ring the rest of my life. A ring that price is less than we usually spend on dinner, and I would imagine would tarnish very quickly.
Even something that is $100-200 would be fine with me honestly. Or at least just in a style I like. Is this really vain of me?
For context, he already got me a promise ring when he asked me out – I had actually seen the exact one on Amazon previously and know it was $17. It’s not really the style I like and it didn’t fit, but the sentiment itself was so sweet I never complained. I really do wish he had resized it though – I have to wear it on my pinky finger because it’s too small. One of the small gemstones also fell out in the first few months. He was clear that he would replace this ring one day with an engagement ring, so I don’t feel the need to say anything at this point.
He swiped quickly on the Amazon page so I don’t think he knows I even saw it. My question is do I say something? Can I subtly mention what I like in a ring? For all I know he could have just been checking the options out there, and I’m jumping to conclusions. But I really would just hate to be disappointed when the time comes.
Also for context: he is definitely a frugal person, but in general is never cheap when it comes to me. We have planned trips together, he takes me out to eat at nice places, he’s always getting me little gifts, and plans nice surprises. He is an amazing boyfriend, this is just the only issue.
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I would bring it up. In my opinion that’s very thoughtless. You should bring up concerns about the longevity of the ring, because that will not last if you wear it everyday.
Is this the guy you posted about in the past? You have been together for 9 months, seems too soon to be discussing engagement.
You need to mention it in a gentle way. This guy is completely clueless. Wow.
Unless you think he’s about to propose like immediately, I’d wait a little while and then maybe orchestrate a trip to the mall or something. As you’re walking past a jewelry store, maybe ask if he’d like to know what kind of ring you’d like “eventually” so he knows the style “when the time comes.” Now, jewelry stores are gonna be expensive, obviously, but I’d say to him something like “hey, this is just to get an idea of styles I like. I’d be totally fine with something like a good quality mosainnite that comes with some kind of warranty. You know, like if a stone falls out or something, since I’ll be wearing this the rest of my life.”
I think communication is key, but make it clear that the quality and style matters much more to you than the price, but that you’re not interested in having to fix or replace the ring every couple of years.
Tell him your skin reacts now to anything that isn’t silver or gold or platinum, and it’s too bad but you won’t be able to wear the promise ring anymore because it turned your skin green and could be dangerous.
at least that will get him into the $50 range of silver! The real problem is, why is your boyfriend such a cheapskate?
Wait, real talk, have you guys TALKED about marriage?
Like what finances would look like, religion, values like what money gets spent on, what a wedding would look like, etc? Conversations about marriage should happen LONG before an engagement. You should be talking about if you want to marry each other before a proposal.
In those conversations TELL him what matters to you in a ring. Yellow vs. white gold, halo vs. solitaire, heart shaped or cushion cut, colored stones vs. not, blood diamonds or moissanite/lab grown. TELL HIM. Part of being married is being able to communicate things that are important to you ♥
The idea that an engagement ring is supposed to be a surprise, or even that the guy has to pay for it all on his own is kind of a relic of days yore. Healthy couples that are truly ready to get married go ring shopping together. So just tell him that when the time comes to decide whether or not to bother with an engagement ring, because that’s not mandatory either, you’d like to be in on the decision making.
I would say you saw a post online about a girl whose bf bought her a $20 ring and you were surprised bc you thought it was standard to spend at least $1k on a ring
maybe he’s just looking at placeholder rings so that he has a ring to propose with, then after he proposes the plan is to go ring shipping?
I feel like if you don’t know if your boyfriend would buy you a $20 ring at Amazon to get engaged then it is probably way too soon to get engaged. Ideally you should have talked about values around stuff like that prior to getting to the engagement point. That being said, I would bring it up with him. Just say, hey, it flashed by that you were looking at rings on Amazon, a ring like that won’t last long and our relationship will be forever so how about we look at rings made for longevity together. And then if he says it doesn’t matter how much it costs, tell him that it matters to you how long the ring will last and a $20 ring will definitely tarnish within a few months and be unwearable.
I was one of those people who thought I’d be married to the same person forever and that didn’t happen. But i digress. Even if it’s not massively expensive it should be better than a bubble gum ring. If you can’t afford a remotely decent ring you should be getting married as life is very expensive
Start showing him rings that you like in the price range you’re thinking about. Don’t drop hints. Flat out say I like this ring. The style, if it’s yellow or white gold, silver, platinum.
An engagement ring is an investment, not something you replace repeatedly because it’s lack of quality. If he’s serious, he’ll invest in something that can be kept for a lifetime and receive cleaning/resizing etc without tarnishing. A $20 ring you’re gonna replace every few months isn’t valuable or sentimental when it feels like it has a rotating lifespan, especially if not the one worn for the wedding itself. This needs a conversation.
It’s not impossible that it’s a cheap placeholder ring to propose with, with the intention of going shopping with you for one afterwards. How likely that is depends a lot on the guy, of course.
There’s nothing like adoring your engagement ring. I adore mine. Your feelings about it are on the mark. It’s a symbol that you’ll always wear. It should be something that you love that will last.
I’m very upfront, so I’d tackle it head on and have a conversation with him.
I wouldn’t say anything.
You saw something you shouldn’t have so there’s so many ways this can go.
You don’t even know it’s for you. Even if it is for you it may not be an engagement ring. Just wait and see how it goes. If he proposes to you with a $20 ring then you can have a conversation about it.
My BF bought a friends girl’s ring because the friend didn’t want his girl to see it in their Amazon account so it COULD be something else. Good luck OP!
perhaps you should pay for it, so you get to choose the budget? equality right?
Girl, he swiped away from it directly in front of you. Unless he’s an idiot, he knows there’s a chance you saw it and just haven’t said anything. So this is your shot! He straight up gave you an opening.
This is the man that’s supposed to be with you for life, right? Aren’t you going to need to be able to talk to him about anything and everything, over the next 50 years? This is the guy that theoretically might see you shit on a table during childbirth, or or help you with a diaper afterwards.
There is no reason to start that life by being shy and not speaking up right now, about something considerably more trivial than medical emergencies, death and grief, job loss, natural disasters or any of the other 9000 hard things that are going to happen to the two of you in the future.
So pickup your backbone and straight up tell him – “hey, I saw that page, and you’re just looking on Amazon for ideas to take to a jeweler or look for on Etsy, right? I would like to be involved and quality is important to me with something I will wear every day for the next few decades, so maybe we can look together?” And then you’re off to the races.
If you’re afraid to have this conversation with him, then maybe you need to ask yourself if the two of you are actually ready to be married, hmm?
I told husband to be that a ring was very personal to me and when he is ready to propose I want to be involved in choosing a ring, as I will be wearing it the rest of my life (and beyond.)
I sincerely believe if you can’t discuss your expectations about the engagement ring then you aren’t ready to be engaged.
Consider your comfort in talking to him about this a good gauge for whether or not you’re ready to have all the uncomfortable conversations that come with sharing a life with someone
I mean, if you plan to marry this person a conversation about rings shouldn’t be too hard. It’s going on your hand, you should absolutely love it. If a man’s ego is so fragile that they can’t hear that feedback is it really someone worth marrying? Have you guys not talked about marriage?
And the piece about the ring being a reflection of the relationship is some marketing bullshit that we all fell for.
Never buy engagement rings from Amazon. 🤦♀️ You need to be very clear about what you expect in a ring. To me, buying you a $20 ring is like you’re an afterthought. My ex bought me a very cheap ring. He made good money so it wasn’t that. He then turned around and bought himself an expensive computer when there was absolutely nothing wrong with the one he was using. It made me rethink everything. And no, that was not the only reason I broke up with him. He turned out to be a narcissist.
If you dont want a typical engagement ring e.g. a diamond solitaire, you can do what I did with my husband and that is send ‘ideas’ for a bit of birthday or Christmas jewellery so he gets to know your style.
I would bring it up in conversation sooner rather than later. Too many stories of guys buying rings without having any clue of what the significant other would like style/ color and both people end up being upset.
For what it’s worth, maybe it’s just for inspiration? If he clearly didn’t want you to see, and you’ve voiced investing in certain things when it comes to your relationship…. I’d personally give him the benefit of the doubt. In that same breath though, especially as he’s talked about marriage recently, it absolutely IS a discussion you can and should be having: about what you want, what you hope for, the importance of something quality that you both love… regarding your marriage, life goals, how you envision a proposal, marriage, your wedding, honeymoon, kids/parenting, the sharing of household management and chores, finances, etc, etc, etc. All. Of. It.
It’s not about knocking him down with negativity, but figuring out the now and a potential life together. Coming to the table to compromise on EVERYTHING, validating and respecting each other in every decision, and just being true partners in life are all major things you guys can do to help with longevity and happiness down the road. Everyone wants to feel secure, loved, heard, respected… and this seemingly small stuff can eventually become a tipping point. There is no shortage of people on here asking if it’s sane that they want to divorce their longtime spouse over leaving the toilet seat up, eating the Halloween candy they stashed away, or not hanging up a bath towel. I’ve been with my spouse a quarter century (which is nuts to type), but it’s always small stuff that causes our marriage the biggest hiccups because it’s building on some underlying resentment over other small consistent things that were ignored by either not communicating or not validating.
Anyway.. that’s my marriage lesson for today. Thanks for listening to my TedTalk. 😂 But really, communicate but also be supportive. From what you’ve said, he just isn’t as concerned about the ring itself but more so what it represents. And that’s the important stuff, but also just as important as a ring is to you. It sounds like a relationship with good bones and absolutely worth the effort on both sides to finite communication, and potentially alleviate a lot of stress overall.
It took us 10 years to actually marry. And once we decided for sure, we were both all in. We went to a jeweler at the mall, he put down his card, and I custom-ordered exactly what I wanted that was within our agreed budget. Ironically, we conceived that same night on a mini weekend trip to celebrate. 2 for 1 special, I guess, but coming to the table on everything and finding a compromise…. it’s our way of telling each other we’re still in this.
I’m sorry dear but your fiance spending $20 for your wedding ring is an absolute total joke. That’s an insult not only to you but the institution itself. If he’s going to be that frugal in his life think twice before you want to spend your life with a man that wants to spend $20 on your wedding ring oh my gosh don’t go there with this one!
It’s possible he was just looking at that ring to look at different styles, and it planning to bring photos of rings he likes to a jeweler.
But honestly, I’d ask about it. Or in some way let him know you’d like a ring that will last a lifetime, without tarnishing or chipping. You could start the conversation by saying something like “my coworker got engaged last weekend! Her ring is so pretty. I really like x, y, z about it. I think if I picked out an engagement ring I’d want it to have… etc etc.”
They have great options for lab made diamonds and moissanite that are much more affordable, and there are other types of stones as well. I got my ring via Etsy years ago and it was 1,700. It’s a substantial ring, solid gold, genuine stones with paperwork, had it all confirmed at a jeweler. I know that may be out of the budget for some folks but there are many on Etsy below $500! I got my husband’s solid gold wedding band on there for $220. I got my mom a solid gold moissonite ring on there years ago for $300. Read the reviews, read the fine print, make sure it has proper documentation if it’s diamonds.
Bring it up. Say “I want to make sure we’re on the same page about a few things. We’ve talked about getting engaged and married; if you feel like that time is approaching, I need to let you know that it’s important to me that the ring you propose with be the ring I wear for the life of the relationship. I want you to really consider what you think I would like, and what will last. This promise ring was a lovely gesture, but it’s not my style and it’s low quality. I want something that suits me, and that won’t fall apart. If cost is a barrier, we can wait and save. I would rather have something nice than something now.”
Money isn’t everything but lunch out these days costs more than that. A $20 ring will fall apart and probably turn your finger green. It’s a ring meant to be worn every day so has to be higher quality than a fashion ring and made of metal that won’t tarnish
If it is that important (and a ring that you will wear, which symbolizes your engagement to each other IS that important), then you should say something.
Personally, I would recommend ignoring the prices when you talk to him about it, because that is just a landmine and a no-win discussion. But point out rings that are of the style you like, and give him a maximum value for how much you would be comfortable with him spending (as long as that maximum is not $10,000).
I think you say he is considering an engagement ring costing $20.
That’s not an engagement ring. Really it’s not.
If you are at the stage of getting engaged I’d doom scroll some jewellery store’s engagement ring pages and point some out that you like.
I think there should be zero issue with a woman having a ring style preference and having a ring changed if its not her style. I also think its completely fair to expect it to be somewhat expensive. Not thousands and thousands of dollars, but it should be meaningful and cost is part of that. He’s lucky to have a partner who’s happy with a $200 ring tbh. Personally, I would start dropping some heavy hints e.g., “ooo look at this ring, don’t you think its pretty?” If he’s not completely clueless he’ll take the hint.
Is it just from when he bought the ring you already have?
A proposal should not be a total surprise. You need to talk about what you both want in life a lot before you should consider marriage. Where will you live? Do you want kids? Will you both work? How will you divide chores? Will you combine your money? What happens when your parents need more help or care when they are older? Tons of things you need to know about each other before you make this decision.
Don’t overreact yet. It sounds like it’s just something he looked at, and so it’s showing up as a suggested item? It doesn’t mean he’s buying it. It means he clicked and glanced at it. Maybe out of curiosity, maybe just to see how bad the reviews were. Don’t borrow trouble.