I didn’t have self-worth when we first started dating, nor for many years that followed.
Now I’m reflecting from a more healed place. And only recently, after a decade+ in and finally getting around to inner-work and self-love etc do I realize – hey wait a minute, I WAS worth something, I was worth more than what I got from him. I knew and felt it then, but didn’t respect myself enough to do anything about it and set boundaries or communicate needs. I deserved to be wanted as a wife, to be asked to marry him. He never did. For the record he has a good soul, he’s not a shitty person.
A main hurtful thing that I can place in a nutshell is he never asking me to marry him doesn’t sit well with me anymore. We both had ruptures and wounds we never communicated and thus never repaired throughout our relationship, I guess that blew it? We are trying to work on things now, it’s been tough and honestly, not that healing. I acknowledge and listen to his side of things and try to repair.
We both grew up in dysfunctional houses with our mothers being the cause.
I feel like if I was in a healthy relationship, that wouldn’t have happened. Or if I was in a healthy relationship, we would have talked about why that won’t happen. Our families have never even met and we all live in the same region, by the way. I just feel like regardless of any specifics, after 12 years, and 1. No marriage, 2. Reflecting on how I felt like I deserved ‘being wanted in that way’, 3. At this point neither one of us feel secure enough about our relationship to want to marry without serious work in our relationship, it’s like the damage has been done – all speak to bad news.
I feel too old to move on, but also…really not feeling good about this. We are best friends and generally want the same things. I don’t have a friend network to help with perspective and input.
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If you’ve never indicated to him that you want marriage then you can’t expect him to read your mind. But it’s not mid century anymore and no woman needs to wait for a man to propose to her. If you want to marry this guy ask him to marry you.
You’re 39. That might (might) be too old for biological kids if that’s something you want, but it’s definitely not too old to find a life partner or carve out something more fulfilling on your own. It wouldn’t be too old for that if you were 89. But sticking around is just going to get you more dissatisfaction and increasing resentment over all the wasted time while your sense of security in the relationship continues to erode, so you might as well start building that network of other people and figuring out what’s next for you before you turn completely bitter towards him.
Are you in a good relationship , is there something worth saving?
It sounds like it expired at this point.
If it so – move on. 39 is pretty young age, trust me.
39 isn’t too old for anything. More women are getting married and having babies in their 40s than any other prior time in American history. But life is too short and you’re too grown to be in an unhealthy, unhappy relationship with anyone.
Oof. In the US you’d be eligible to draw on his SS in the future once you’ve been married 10 years. To go more than a decade without the financial and legal benefits of marriage is mind boggling to me.
Google sunk cost fallacy, just because you e spent a long time making a mistake doesn’t mean you have to keep making it! It’s not your late to move on and find a husband.
At this point, it’s up to you to determine the trajectory of your life. You have agency! If you want to get married, though, you have to find a man who wants to get married as well. Right now your boyfriend is keeping you from finding your husband!
Good news is that 39 is still young and you can be the one to change the trajectory of your own life.
Looks like you have two options: Stay with him and remain unfulfilled and unhappy or let him know that’s what you need or else we need to go out separate ways.
If he decides to give you what u need that would be wonderful, sometimes they need a lil push..
If he decides to let it go, he’s giving you an “out” and you were essentially “damned if you did and damned if you didn’t” but at least you are free to let someone in who can give you what you need.
As a woman who started over again at 41, I don’t regret it at all. I wish I would have gotten out sooner. Life is just way too short.
>At this point neither one of us feel secure enough about our relationship to want to marry without serious work in our relationship
Everything else aside, if you’re not ready after 12 years of being together, that would certainly be cause for concern. Sure, there are some couples that never end up marrying and are happy as a clam. However, it’s pretty clear from your post that marriage is something you absolutely want.
When it really comes down to it, I don’t think you’re happy. I am unsure if any amount of work will really fix it if neither of you are ready after 12 years. It could be you just are better off as friends! He doesn’t have to be a bad person for breaking up to be okay.
My current BF and his ex-GF dated for 12 years and broke up right around your age… She wanted marriage and kids, he wouldn’t move forward with her and he finally broke it off. She ended up meeting someone about 4 years later, dated him for a year or two and then they married and she had her first baby at 44 with eggs she froze in her 30s. There’s still plenty of time to create a different life for yourself… and if you resent him that much for not marrying you, you may never get over that in this relationship.