I(36f) refuse to forgive my ex(39m) after what he said to me in front of our children.
Things had been rocky in our relationship for years and it finally came to a head when he said some things that should not have been said in front of our kids.
My ex wasn’t always a jerk, but after a family member of his passed, he changed. We would constantly argue and I started to feel like I had to constantly walk on eggshells. He was drinking heavily and wouldn’t hold down a job.
I had to take care of everything myself. The kids, the household, cooking, working full-time, the whole 9 yards. He stayed at home getting drunk, playing video games, etc. He would constantly accuse me of cheating when I was working and get mad when I didn’t want to be intimate due to exhaustion and hurting (due to health issues). It got to the point that I would go to work, come home take care of the kids, and then go to my room. I was tired of being treated poorly. In addition to accusing me of cheating he started calling me names. I would just ignore him. He would then threaten things to try and control me and manipulate my feelings more. The final straw was when he told me that I should end it like my brother did (he unalived himself) and that our kids should not have been born (said all of this in front of them).
I kicked him out that day.I refuse to talk to him. He keeps sending me messages trying to get me to talk to him. He’ll apologize in these messages and then go back to calling me names when I don’t respond. He then will try and twist everything all over again, saying I never loved him, that everything I said about wanting our relationship to work was all a lie… etc. I left him 2.5 years ago we were together for 7 years. AITAH?
AITAH for not wanting anything to do with my ex and refusing to forgive?
r/AITAH
Comments
Nta.
Alot of people don’t understand that forgiveness must not only be desired but earned. And it’s never a guarantee, in fact it’s normal NOT to forgive.
Be free OP.
Absolutely NTA. What he said to you in front of your kids was beyond cruel. You were already carrying the weight of the household while he spiraled, and then he tried to guilt and manipulate you after the fact? Refusing to forgive him isn’t just fair, its self preservation.
You don’t owe him forgiveness, especially after the emotional abuse and the things he said in front of your kids. Keeping your distance is the safest and healthiest choice
No. You are not. You owe him less than nothing. Be beautifully happy
NTA. He needs to realize his mistakes and move on. He’s not going to change and you know that. If he’s worth it try counseling. Otherwise you did the right thing.
NTA
Forgiveness is not something someone deserves or earns. It has to be freely given. No one ever has to forgive someone no matter how many times they apologize.
The less contact you can have with him the better.
NTA. What he said and did was abusive and toxic, especially in front of your kids. Protecting yourself and your children by refusing contact and forgiveness is completely reasonable. You don’t owe him anything after the way he treated you.
If he keeps twisting things he’s not actually sorry. NTA. Good fucking riddance. Keep him away from your kids if you can, at least until he takes full accountability and mans the fuck up.
The way he treated you then and now is unforgivable. Get one of those parenting apps and then refuse to communicate with him in any other way.
NTA. But protect yourself in every way possible.
Updateme!
Sometimes loving someone means giving them the space to fall as far as they need to so they can see they need help.
Nta.
Get divorce and take care of yourself and your kids.
My abusive ex tried to apologize in 2023. It was vague and pathetic. My cousin who apparently thought that was good enough said “aw at least he tried to apologize”
If he had understood only a fraction of what he did, he would no better than to try and seek absolution from his victim who is obviously not going to react well to hearing from him. His only choice is to live with shame when he thinks of me and hopefully he thinks often.
Nta
Are you the AH for kicking out an abusive partner who is still sending you abusive messages?
Ummm on. Obviously NTA
Please get rid of him. Your children will understand.
NTA. That’s horrible and extremely cruel.
> He’ll apologize in these messages and then go back to calling me names when I don’t respond.
That’s how you know he’s highly manipulative, abusive as hell, and truly has no remorse. It’s a sign he wants to maintain power and control without having to be responsible for treating you horribly.
> He then will try and twist everything all over again, saying I never loved him, that everything I said about wanting our relationship to work was all a lie.
He’s abusive as hell so it makes sense that he would need to twist things around so he can tell himself he’s the victim and blame you. Like the last point, this is also about wanting power and control without having to take any responsibility.
There is zero reason to forgive someone who is this abusive, manipulative, and remorseless. This is someone who wants to harm you.
Use a court directed parenting app then block his number.
Keep him away, do what you can to not have to deal with him. Quit wasting your time on a dying marriage. You (and your son) deserve so much more than you currently have. Go forward with your life without having to deal with him on a daily basis. NTA
Use a parenting app only. If you were married and I think even not write it all out for the judge.
You got him out . Good. Keep it that way. Let me self destruct somewhere else. NTA
NTA…After 2.5 years, he is still calling you names? If you have not divorced him by now, do so.
NTA in any way. You don’t have to put up with his abuse. Good on you for booting him.
Block him everywhere except on a parenting app (assuming you still discuss your kids with each other), so all communication is in one place ready for your lawyer.
Enjoy your freedom!
He is attempting to regain control of you. Stand your ground. If you let him back in, the same will happen. Classic narcissistic tactic.
NTA
Next time he says, “you never loved me”, say, “You’re right. I loved the man you used to be. He’s dead now. I will never love you.”
NTA. Contact the very best divorce lawyer you can afford and direct every message to them. Do not have any in person or voice conversations that can be avoided. Do everything you can by text so there’s a written record.
NTA. I’ve lost a lot of people I was close to and never treated anyone like this.
NTA. Your husband wanted you as an emotional punching bag, and was used to lazing around & having you support him. It was well overdue to kick him out, and what he said to you and the kids was beyond cruel. Good for you for kicking his worthless rear out. This was the best decision for you and the kids. What a terrible position to be in.
NTA In order to be forgiven you must first be sorry for your actions. Your Ex is not sorry for what he did, he is sorry for the consequences.
Plus some things are unforgivable such as suggesting you unalive yourself or saying those awful things in front of your children.
Get a restraining order against the drunken prick! NTA
Have you divorced him yet if not do and get a app where he can only talk about the kids and it’s recorded
Forgive him for your own peace of mind. You don’t want to harbor that hatred.
That doesn’t mean you forget or have him in your life, although you have kids together. It doesn’t even mean you have to tell him he’s forgiven.
NTA
He is a train wreck and no longer your problem. Focus on you and the kids.