I ( 37M ) am married to my wife ( 34F) since 2019, been a couple since 2015. Her parents like me since i’m the first good guy she’s encountered ( i work, is did studies as a nurse, don’t drink or do drugs ). We have a son ( 4M). When he was 1.5 she cheated with a guy from work for about six months. I found out since she was very distant towards me but also towards our son.
Gave her a second chance, we did couples therapy.
During that first year there where lots of conflicts and she often became fysically agressive towards me. Up untill one point i just left. Eventually came back.
Since then the conflicts subsided. We get a long, she’s more involved at home ( prior i literally did everything around the house, including taking care of our son, she would be glued to her phone) and more Involved with our son.
However she keeps making small, somewhat passive-agressive remarks to things i do. Can be very general of very specific. How i dress ( i always have suits for my job ), how i cook ( even when i’m making something she asked ) etc.
I’m getting tired of it, more distant and i notice my feelings towards her are just dropping. I’m not sure if i want to continue this. What’s holding me back is my son. We would do 50/50 custody but with her history and men, i’m afraid that it would have a negative impact to his Future.
Just some FYI: English is not my first language, i live in Europe, currently there are no real conflicts.
So WIBTA if i still divorce her ( probably 50/50 custody as her father is a laywer and knows enough People to make my life hard )?
Update:
didn’t expect to have so many reactions this fast. I’ll try to make a general part to answer most of them. So both her parents are aware of the entire situation up to today, however they do not intervene. Yes there is proof of the cheating ( texts, messages, photo she sent and camera footage from her job – she lost it due intercourse during work hours at work. She was sued and lost her job ). She has no longer contact with AP over two years as he dumped her and is now with another woman. Standard practice for custody in my country is: father 1 weekend every two weeks and the rest the mother. Also cheating is no longer a ‘crime’ in my country when being married since the 80’s so if you take it to court you’ll always lose as a father even if it’s a ‘bad’ mother. She isn’t a bad mother but she does keep our son at a distance, gets angry easily and is frustrated in general. She wanted a change in life ( studying and starting her own business, i paid for it all and now she has her own business ).
Update 2: thanks for all the comments and support. I’ll be talking to FIL and MIL again and explain why this marriage should and will probably end.
Comments
Nta remember you don’t own her an relationship just because she stopped cheating on you. Also divorces wont look any different than what you have right now because you are already doing all of the labor yourself anyway.
You gave it a real shot, things aren’t working for you emotionally, and staying just because of guilt or fear isn’t healthy. Prioritize your well-being and plan custody thoughtfully for your son
You must get as much evidence as you can. Do it by the book, even with going as far as to hire PI. You just need to make sure that the evidence is admissible (or like you said, her father can make things hard). There is a chance that if you have enough evidence, they will rather settle everything quietly than risk a scandal.
Updateme
NTA. You kid deserves to grow up in a household where his parents love and respect one another. It sounds like low grade misery now. Just cut the cord and move on. NTA.
NTA
You are free to leave a relationship at any time for any reason.
And yes until she proves she is a negligent or harmful parent she should get 50% custody.
And as always I’d love to see her side of this relationship.
NTA you tried its not working. Its time to move on.
She’s trying to push you away in order to make you the bad guy. She wants to leave as well.
Just do it. You’ll have some peace. Well, at least a little bit, but the only time you’ll have to deal with her would be because of your child.
No you wouldn’t be. You’ve gave her multiple chances and she still treats you terribly. I wouldn’t of even taken her back after the cheating, never mind her being physically aggressive towards you. What i would advise is gathering any evidence you may have from the affair, the abuse etc. Get your ducks in a row now to protect both yourself and your son.
NTA you gave her a second chance, she failed again. Don’t make a third mistake.
NTA
you said English is not your language – how are the laws in your country when it comes to share custody?
Is she objectively a good mother?
Do you have proof she cheated? Texts, emails, etc
She is pushing you away because she wants to be with someone else. Maybe she is still in love with her former AP. Maybe he still is an AP. She tries to make you the bad guy. Maybe to justify her cheating or desire to cheat again, or maybe she is building a fake narrative where you are an abusive asshole which will help her get full custody
Regardless , please leave. She doesn’t love you anymore.
NTA for leaving, but YTA to yourself for giving a cheating abuser a second chance. She’s subhuman scum, and should neither be respected nor shown love.
You don’t owe her your unhappiness for the sake of staying together. Just ask for a divorce.
If you stay with a partner who regularly berates you, and you’re doing it for the sake of your child, keep in mind that your child will see all of this and it will be what they consider normal.
You should be able to have it in the custody agreements about having overnight people staying while you have custody of the child (i.e. you don’t have anyone stay over when you have the son, and vice versa). That will hopefully curtail any of the issues with her poor choice in partners.
NTA
You tried. She didn’t really. You and your son deserve better
Updateme
Nta here. But yta to yourself and your child. Once someone cheats leaves. A divorced is better for the child then a toxic home. And you never fully get pass a cheating spouse. And kids can feel it.
As a child of divorce I can tell you, he will be fine. The best thing my parents ever did for my mental health was to get divorced. Some of my older siblings who were exposed to the toxic environment for longer did not fare as well. Do what you gotta do to be happy but just make sure it is what you want. Feelings come and go. I’m not always thrilled with some of the things my husband says and does but overall I love him and he is my person. Make sure that your annoyance is not just a fleeting one and you really do not want to make this work
YTA for taking her back.
NTA. It will be better for your son in the long run. You’ve said yourself she becomes abusive towards you, do you want your son to see that?
No .. divorce her. You still have so much life left to be happy which you clearly can’t be with her.
NTA. You tried OP. You aren’t obligated to stay in a relationship with her. The relationships you have in your life will be a model and example for your son. As a child, it was very obvious my parents did not like one another but they, “stayed together for the kids”. They didn’t want to divorce and disrupt our life but didn’t even seem to realize the environment they created was worse. Do you want your son to grow up and see how she treats you and think that is just normal in a relationship?
Nta you gave it a shot she didn’t
Be sure to get a lawyer who will not be intimidated by her father.
A marriage has to have involvement from both people. You can’t make it work by yourself. Sounds like she’s not fully invested with restoring trust, and being a good partner. Just divorce, you and your kid will be happier.
Did studies as a nurse “fysically aggressive”
Nta cheaters should be for the streets
NTAH, sounds like you’ve been fair & willing up to this point, perhaps it’s time. I understand that life for your son will change yet you can only control your role in his life, not hers. Good luck ✌🏼
Talk to her father. If he cares about his grandson he would support you having full custody.
Does her father like you? I’d go to him and ask for guidance.
NTA, you don’t want your son to grow up thinking that being treated this way by his life partner is acceptable
Updateme!
You say her parents like you because you’re the first good guy. Have you thought about speaking to them. Regarding all you have mentioned here. Saying you’re at your wits end and don’t know what to do especially when thinking about your son.
Just wondering if her Dad Would be on your side. If you explain your worries of other men becoming involved with your son / his grandson.
Just a thought
Please keep yourself safe
Don’t think staying in abusive marriage is “best” for your child. My brother and I ponder all the time WHY our father stayed with our adulterous, narcissistic mom. We are pretty sure he “wanted to keep the family together” I love my dad, and I wish he had divorced and found someone who loved him. He is a good person, and could have had a long and loving second marriage. He didnt, and maybe that was to save us from divorce , that is so sad. I also wish I would have at least had a step mother. as it is , I really have no mother at all she was/is so horrible.
Leave her
NTA, you deserve to be happy and it’s not necessarily better for your son that you stay with your wife. You don’t want him growing up think your marriage is an example of a healthy relationship.
NTA but, you should have left her when you caught her cheating.
Have you considered trying couples counseling again. It certainly would be worth a try if you’re going to stay for your son‘s sake. Unfortunately, children often feel attention in the home and what he will see over the next 14 years isn’t what you really want him to believe a good marriage is. If you can’t work things out, then goes your separate ways and try to be good coparent focusing on the welfare of your child.
Have you thought about sitting down with her parents and explaining the situation with them. Tell them absolutely everything and ask for suggestions. This will also help with the FIL especially when he is made aware of everything his daughter is doing. I would not stay because of your Son. You will show him better if you’re in a Stable loving relationship, where each side contributes and compliments each other. Not one partner tearing the other down. NTA. You really tried.
Updateme
You should be able to ask for full custody. Talk to a lawyer about her behavior and lack of involvement with your son.
NTA. Failed marriage. Not serving either of you or your son to stay in. Being a child of divorce isn’t any harder than being the child of a miserable marriage. You’d be doing him a favor by cutting the cord now and helping him adjust sooner rather than later.
NTA giving it a chance does not equal staying. You gave her a chance, it’s not working, that’s it. Hope you can find a woman that actually respects you and I’m sorry you had to go through this. There’s no excuse for cheating or getting physically abusive
Kids come first. ESH.
Hire a divorce attorney that has only men as clients..
We have them here in the US.
Make sure he’s an unscrupulous shark.
One that will tell your wife’s attorney , “if you want to protect your client, dont fight us. We will bury you.”
She cheated and you forgave. And you found out from the looks of it. She didn’t come clean. So she feels (consciously or subconsciously) that she can push you because you won’t do anything. That’s the tragic thing about it. You try to be the better person but they lose respect for you (intentionally or not) as a result.
She sounds horrible, she had a 6 months affair and she still sounds absolutely awful to you.
Just leave her.
Oh. By the way. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Her distant attitude toward you is a clear indicator thay she is stepping out.
Obviously, she doesn’t love you. I don’t believe she even likes you.
You had me at “physically aggressive “. She’s abusive. Try to document instances. It might help with custody.
I would try and work things out for his sake
She doesn’t respect you man. Once you forgave her, it was over for you. She knows she can treat you any way she wants and you’re not going anywhere. You’re being taken for granted. She probably used that time when you were gone to cheat more. If you’re the first decent guy she’s had, that should have told you something. She’s not a good wife. She most likely feels like you’re boring and she settled. She wants the excitement of toxic relationships. Please don’t have any more kids with this woman. She’s selfish and immature. If she can’t even put her kid first, you’ll never get anywhere.
You know she’s cheating again but she is better at hiding it now. She learned the game the last time she got caught. The custody fight is going to be bad. But you shouldn’t have to live your life with a woman who will lie, manipulate, and cheat all the time. Cheaters always cheat again.
A parent provides the model for what the child sees as appropriate or allowable treatment and behavior. How would you advise your son if it were he in the situation? Love yourself as much as you love your son.
NTA. by staying like this you’ll show your child that it’s okay how you treat your wife and how she treats you. the child will take the situation at hand as ‘normal’, it will affect their future to a great deal.
sometimes it’s better to go different ways and maintain a casual relationship as co-parents on good/friendly terms than to stay in a loveless marriage with passive-agressive snide remarks and physical and verbal assaults.
Run away
You did your best to try making your marriage work but I think you know it’s time to do something else. Your wife ever since she got pregnant she has probably been feeling that this isn’t the life she wants. She has responsibilities she doesn’t want with you and your child . She tried cheating but it didn’t work out. Probably because her cheating partner didn’t want to commit – he just wanted sex ! She fell back to you as the only option she had . But she resents that fact, so she responds to you with petty aggression and passive-aggressive actions because she knows things won’t be better for her if you go . But you can’t keep yourself in a damaged relationship like this one. It will only get worse.
You gave a cheating woman a second chance? You can’t do that, she’ll never respect you again. If she respected you in the first place she wouldn’t have cheated, tbh.
NTA – you tried your best but before you do that have you tried couples counselling to address her infidelity and her recent comments on everything you do? If not I’d give it a shot, she might not even realize that her comments are hurting you. Does her father know that his daughter cheated on you and mistreated both you and his grandchild during her affair? Regardless of if you divorce or try counselling you should document the comments she’s making and check to see if she is having that same attitude around your child. If she is she might have started another affair because she was negligent with you and your child the first time she cheated. If you do find evidence do not confront or inform her that you intent to divorce. Speak with a divorce lawyer and let that person know you’re concerned that your spouse’s father is a lawyer who will throw his weight around to try to sway the divorce in her favour and/or try to punish you for divorcing her daughter.
if you are staying for your son, dont. They sense problems in the home. Maybe not yet but soon. Why put yourself thru this. Should have divorced her the first time. She is more than likely still cheating on you.
update me
NTAH. However, you should get it out of your head. One of you should have full custody. Having to co-parent participate in 50/50 isn’t making your life “harder.” It’s honoring the rights of your child. Unless your soon to be ex a drug addict, physically abusive or for some reason harmful to your sons overall well-being. Then, his safety comes before those rights. If it can be established to a court.